PALM BEACH, FL – Thousand of sharks under alien mind control have been spotted just off the coast of south Florida.

Throughout this week, visitors to south Florida beaches have witnessed incredible shark sightings.

“There were a thousand sharks in a school offshore here,” said one visitor. Another visitor recounted, “They were coming right up. You could get knee-deep in water and they were coming in that close.”

Biologists claim that the increase in shark sightings is all part of an annual winter migration. As northern waters cool the sharks move south in search of warmer waters. They have also assured the public that the presence of the sharks should be of little to no concern for beach goers.

“They [the sharks] are generally not interested in you in the water,” stated Dr. Brian Franks.

However, this seemly sound advice from the doctor has done little to calm the nerves of many beach goers.

In addition to the mass amounts of sharks that have been spotted, it has also been noted that the sharks are swimming in synchronization much like Fu Yandong’s gold fish. Aerial footage has shown that the sharks are being positioned into geometric shapes and symbols similar in fashion to the crop circles that are known to be created by alien beings This strange synchronization was immediately brought to the attention of the UN Panel on Extraterrestrials and a full on investigation has begun.

“This shark activity is of grave concern for the people of planet earth. First the aliens implemented death on our animals and now mind control. This is clearly a sign that the aliens are learning more about how to control and manipulate the various genomes,” explained Cindy Townson who serves on the UN panel, “The aliens ability to control savage beasts, like sharks, is just another weapon that they will employ in their planned attacks.”

The UN Panel on Extraterrestrials has attempted to issued warnings to beach bums abound but their message has been intercepted by government agents who continually deny that an alien invasion is underway.

Some muscle heads have already taken matters into their own hands, going mano a mano with the sharks before they can make their first strike.

“I hate alien scum! I’ll take on every single last one of these alien controlled sharks and if I die tryin’ so be it,” said Philippe Barnes just before he flexed his muscles for the ladies and dove back into the ocean to take on his next opponent.

PALM BEACH, FL – A strange creature has been videotaped just off shore in Florida!

The Lagoon Keepers is a group of volunteers who remove floating debris from the waters of Palm Beach County. While working, they noticed something in the water and grabbed their video camera.

They decided to name it the “Muck Monster”, because every time they got close enough to get a good luck, it would dive into the muck where they couldn’t see.

Lake Worth Lagoon has never had previous reports of unidentified creatures in the water. Perhaps something came in from the ocean and got trapped?

PALM BEACH, FL – Twenty-one thoroughbred horses mysteriously died before a polo match on Sunday. What was the cause?

Officials are currently waiting on test results to find out why twenty-one horses from a Venezuelan team quickly fell ill and died before a match in a Florida polo tournament.

The team Lechuza Caracas were unloading at the International Polo Club Palm Beach in Wellington, Florida, for a US Open match when two horses collapsed. As vets rushed to revive the two, another five became dizzy and soon keeled over.

Intravenous tubes were used to help the horses breathe, but ultimately seven died on the scene. Some were immediate, others lingered for up to 45 minutes. Another seven died on the way to off-site medical care, and the last seven went overnight.

Although nothing is conclusive yet, veterinarians believe some kind of poison caused the heart failure. But how did the horses receive it? “It could be the water, hay, bedding. We just don’t know. When we find out what it is, we will take all the necessary actions,” said John A. Wash, the polo club’s president of club operations.

Dr. James Belden said it remains to be seen “whether it’s something in the environment or something that the horses were exposed to.” He said the routine in the horses’ stable ahead of the match was absolutely normal, leading many to wonder if it was in fact sabotage.

Each horse was valued at $100,000, bringing the loss to over $2,000,000 for the Lechuza Caracas team.

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL – During a short break from counseling Madoff investment victims, PhD Ape ran into a client begging for help – Elliot Spitzer!

PhD Ape has come under fire since announcing his intention to offer free counsel sessions to the duped senior citizens.  Current and former clients flooded his office seeking refunds for past services.

“I decided to get away from all the media attention and the barrage of phone calls and emails,” PhD Ape said through a representative.  “I left my Blackberry and cell phone in Palm Beach and headed for Fort Lauderdale for some R & R.  The last thing I expected was to run into any clients.”

Seeking to escape the media himself, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer is in Florida visiting his bubby for Hanukkah.  Spitzer has been getting a lot of attention this week since he publicly ridiculed his new job.

“It’s been a very difficult year for Elliot,” PhD Ape told reporters.  “Its only natural that he express discontent with being an online blogger for Slate when just a few months ago he was governor of the second most populous state in the Union and one of the few rising stars in the Democratic Party.  Its quite a fall from grace.”

“I don’t plan to spend much time with Elliot in Florida.  I have work to finish in Palm Beach and then its back to New York.  If he feels like he needs counseling sessions, I will be more than happy to see him.  That is, if he can afford me on a blogger’s salary.  After this, I’m done with charity cases.”

PALM BEACH, FL – In a move surprising many of his fans and clients, PhD Ape is traveling to Florida in light of the Madoff investment scam – to meet with the victims!

It is no secret that PhD Ape has been good friends with investment consultant, Bernard Madoff for many years.  Allegations that PhD Ape was involved in the scam in some way are unsubstantiated and not supported by existing facts.

“It’s the spirit of the holiday season to reach out to those in need,” PhD Ape said.  “What happened to these rich old folks is a travesty.  They took their millions of dollars and trusted Madoff to invest it and make them billions.  And now they wake up to see they’re no richer than the folks who clean the pool and shuffle board table.”

“It’s a real Mitzvah what that ape is doing for us,” Palm Beach Country Club member Albert Weissberg told reporters.  “We’re in the middle of quite a pickle down here.  It’s hard to know who to trust, and out of nowhere, this guy comes down to listen to us and just make us feel like someone cares.”

“I don’t know if apes practice Judaism or not, but PhD Ape is a tsadek if I’ve every seen one,” Weissberg said emotionally.  “Oy gut, just look at me.  I’m all vaclemped just thinking about it!”