I’m madder than a spitting camel at our new Communist-in-Chief!

First he goes to England, gives the Queen records of his own speeches, and lets his wife hug the old broad! (Like I said last week: at least Michelle didn’t try to give the Queen the fist bump!)

But then it got worse. The Teleprompter Kid met some A-rab king and bowed down to the guy! He didn’t bow to the Queen, did he? OK, the Queen doesn’t have billions of gallons of oil on her land, unless you count the vats of grease they cook their food in. But Sarah Palin has billions of dollars of oil on HER land and Obama would rather eat raw moose meat than bow to Sarah!

The A-rabs should be bowing to US! They use our army because they don’t have their own since the Israelis wrecked their old one. The A-rabs are good at chopping each other’s heads off for stealing a falafel, but they couldn’t win a fight with Jerry Seinfeld?

All A-rabs do all day is put on their weird Snuggie outfits and go shopping for diamonds and Cadillacs. The only smart thing about A-rabs is they don’t let their women drive, and if you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you know that’s a good idea!

That’s who Obama bowed down to? If you can’t be bothered bowing down to the offspring of a bunch of homely, hemophiliac Krauts, why curtsy to the grandson of some illiterate desert bandit wearing a tea towel?

That’s what were getting for the next four years, my fellow Americans!
When the spacemen land in DC, expect Obama to kiss their little green feet!

The Anonymous group has once again hacked into Sarah Palin’s e-mail account and provided Weekly World News with the first look at her upcoming Christmas card!

Click through to get a FULL-SIZED version you can download and send to your friends!

Previously: Palin bags a Bigfoot

LONG ISLAND SOUND, NY – The Lake Erie Monster tried out for the Saturday Night Live auditions to find new female cast members.

Star member Amy Poehler departed from the show after giving birth, leaving the show in dire straits. With only two female cast members left, Saturday Night Live quickly put out the call for interested parties to audition. Little did they know what it would bring up from the murky depths…

The Lake Erie Monster was able to make her way into the try-outs and did the only impression she has: Sarah Palin. Her 60-second audition consisted of her alternating between shouting, “Maverick!” over and over again and winking at the camera.

She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that former cast member Tina Fey had shot the show to ratings heaven with her own Palin impression just a few weeks back. Lorne Michaels was not amused. Comedians Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins were chosen and introduced in last Saturday’s episode.

It is believed that Lemmie (as she refers to be called) was only allowed to audition because of Affirmative Action, which has recently been broadened to include cryptids. After being rejected, she cried hysterically for four seconds and then re-submerged into Long Island Sound, leaving only a trail of mascara behind.

Is this the last we’ll see of the Lake Erie diva? This Weekly World News writer thinks not.

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/3854/snl-rejects-lake-erie-monster/feed/ 1 Garrett Hawley lemmiesnl http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/election-08/3661/todd-palins-election-day-stunt/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/election-08/3661/todd-palins-election-day-stunt/#comments Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:32:41 +0000 Reginald Cunningham III http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3661 ]]>

ANCHORAGE, AK – Todd Palin vows to jump 25 election booths with his snowmobile on Election Day.

Todd Palin believes the stunt will increase awareness and voter turnout in support of his wife’s Vice Presidential bid.  “Last time I did something like this I got a DUI, but this time I’m helping save America!”  Palin said, and then proceeded to yell excitedly with his supporters for seven minutes.

Palin is a four time snowmobile champion and works in Alaska’s oil industry.  He never received a degree, but during his short time at college was a member of the infamous Delta Lambda Mu fraternity, the only fraternity in America to be outlawed in an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Also he has been a vocal member of the Alaska Separatist Movement and a judge in the 2008 Miss Alaska competition, which he says he is “most proud of.”

When asked what role he would play in a McCain Palin administration, he stated that his formidable video game skills would make him a valuable asset as a military advisor.

Mr. Palin wanted to complete his jump across the state line, marking the fifth time he has ever left Alaska, however he has been labeled Persona Non Gratis by Canada due to an incident involving a missing Labatt Blue truck, several cases of maple syrup, and a psychologically traumatized moose.

Palin concluded his press conference, held at an Anchorage sports bar, by exclaiming “My hot wife’s gonna be king of the world!”  He then fell of the table and hit his head on a pinball machine.

PHOENIX, AZ – With his presidential bid seen as lost, John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election.  McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.

Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.

There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate.  When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.

A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair.  McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.

Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.

TACONY, PA – At a recent campaign stop in northeast Philadelphia, Governor Sarah Palin used her spiritual powers to heal a young child. Four-month-old Nathaniel Dockman, the son of Tracy and Joe, had a fever for nearly a week before being taken to a McCain rally for treatment.

The cause of the fever is unknown, though experts suspect either witchcraft or the flu.  Nathaniel’s parents said they did not consult a doctor, as they are Christian Scientists and do not believe in medical treatment.

Tracy told reporters, “It’s just a miracle.  Nathaniel will survive because of this amazing woman.  We considered taking Nathaniel to Michael Cera, but we had no way of finding him.”

While Michael Cera’s powers are born out of his self-deprecating humor, Palin’s healing ability seems to draw strength from her small-town values and ‘you betcha’ mentality.

Joe just smiled and explained, “We don’t know where she gets it from. All we know is that Sarah was the right choice for our child, and will be the right choice for our country.”

Racy photos have emerged of Sarah Palin posing with alien beer during her beauty queen days. A young Palin is clearly seen in an advertisement for Old Clandathuu’s Best lager.

Sarah Palin, beauty queen turned Vice Presidential hopeful, was crowned Miss Wasilla, Alaska in 1984.  Television coverage was broadcast from the event and picked up by aliens on the planet Wazeela.

Wazeelans, noticing for the similarity to their own planet’s name, were entranced by Palin, who won the contest easily after field dressing a moose for the talent portion.

Shortly after her win, Palin was approached by executives from Old Clandathuu’s Best for a brief advertising shoot.

Some are worried that the racy photos, featuring Palin in a swimsuit and tiara with a suggestively foaming beer bottle, could damage her folksy image or her credibility as a leader.  Sean Hannity decried these concerns as “sexist” continuing, “So what if she’s a babe?”

Given her renewed celebrity, one of Wazeela’s premier gentlemen’s magazines has offered Palin the chance to pose for a centerfold, should her election bid go south.

The McCain/Palin campaign has yet to comment officially on the issue. Palin’s relationship with Wazeela has been investigated before.

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.

Accompanied by her spiritual advisor, Pastor Muthee, Palin will canvass her hometown of Wasilla for witches.  Muthee is famous for reducing crime in Kenya by ridding towns of the witches following the teachings of Satan.

Palin and Muthee believe that Wasilla, given the unflattering nickname “The Meth Capitol of Alaska,” is a prime target for a witch hunt.

“There has been a lot of talk lately about patriotism.  Nothing is less patriotic than Satan,” the Governor’s husband Todd told reporters outside of Speedy Donuts after a recent campaign stop in suburban Ohio.

“On Columbus Day, Sarah is going to do her patriotic duty of hunting down the witches that are defiling Wasilla with their vile practices.  What better way to spend America’s birthday than on a good old fashioned, Salem-style witch hunt?”

Responding to a question on if she thought killing witches was her patriotic duty, Governor Palin said, “Doggonit, you betcha!”

Asked if she believed Columbus Day, rather than Independence Day, marked America’s birthday, the Governor replied, “In what way, Charlie?”

WASILLA, AK – Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species.  Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture.  Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.