What were the top five celebrity stories Weekly World News uncovered this year?

#5. FATFOOT ON THE VIEW

The overweight Sasquatch appeared on The View to discuss its struggles with negative body image.

#4. BEAR GRYLLS’ INJURY FROM YETI FIGHT

Weekly World News discovered the truth behind Bear Grylls’ shoulder injury: a fight with a yeti over a dead seal!

#3. BATNEY SPEARS

America’s favorite mutant helped Britney Spears break free of her handlers and have fun again.

#2. AMY WINEHOUSE REVEALS ALL

Amy Winehouse not only went topless but beehive-less, revealing her true hair and turning witnesses to stone.

#1. SARAH PALIEN?

Governor Palin’s resemblance to the Alien revealed that she is in fact a Palien, originating from the planet Wazeela.

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

Following Sarah Palin’s emergence on the national stage, the blogosphere lit up with reports that Governor Palin does not actually hail from Wasilla, Alaska but from a planet known as Wazeela.

The tiny planet, which is located some 37,000 miles due east from the Sun, is known to be rich with fossil fuels that lie beneath snow-capped peaks.

Internet reports also cited the particularly short 5-month gestation period of Wazeela females as proof that Palin was, in fact, a Palien.