LOS ANGELES  -  Harry Potter and Osama Bin Laden have an eerie link.

Osama Bin Laden has been killed and the final Harry Potter movie, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2,” comes out on July 15.

While distributor Warner Bros has never pushed the comparison, the entire Potter saga — both the books and the movies — have an inevitable subtext, colored by the events of 9/11.

While the first volume in J.K. Rowling’s seven-book series was originally published in England in 1997, the first movie, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” was released in November 2001, just months after 9/11.

It set up the ongoing conflict between Harry, the young, orphaned wizard, who gradually discovers his powers, and the malignant force of evil, Lord Voldemort, who is bent on destroying him. First referred to only as “He Who Must Not Be Named,” Voldemort is introduced as something of a formless boogie-man — not unlike the mysterious Osama — but then, over the course of the series, takes on more and more of a physical presence until in the last volume he and Harry go head-to-head in a final, cataclysmic battle.

For a generation of kids who grew up reading Rowling’s books and watching Hollywood’s big-screen adaptations in the shadows of 9/11, there have been inevitable echoes of the real world in Harry’s sometimes reluctant quest to defeat Voldemort.

Back in 2004, a poster on mugglenet.com made some of it explicit, comparing the Death Eaters to Al Queda and noting of that “just as Voldemort was shaped by his mother’s death and his father’s abandonment, Osama was shaped by his personal struggle between Western pleasures and Islamic discipline.”

And just as Harry is known in the books as “the anointed one,” a number of President Obama’s critics like Rush Limbaugh have frequently dismissed the president by disparagingly referring to him as “the anointed one” as well — though on Monday, even Limbaugh had praise for how Obama orchestrated Osama’s demise.

Mild spoiler ahead, so stop reading if you don’t know the outcome of the final book…

Meanwhile, in the wake of bin Laden’s death in a mansion near Islamabad, a meme has already popped up on the web, noting the weird coincidence that Osama and Voldemort both died on the same day, May 1. But true Potter fans have been quick to point out that’s not quite true: When Harry and Voldemort actually finally come face-to-face in the Battle of Hogwarts, in the books’ chronology the date is really May 2, 1998.

Of course, even without an end to bin Laden, the final Potter movie is already on track to be one of the biggest movies of the summer. The franchise has already grossed more than $6.3 billion at the worldwide box office.

But bin Laden’s death is now likely to give the movie an extra emotional resonance for the Potter generation, and that could translate into an even bigger box office bonanza.

NEW YORK  – Minutes after President Obama’s speech, Donald Trump has demanded to see Osama Bin Laden’s Death Certificate!

The mastermind of the worst terrorist attack on American soil is dead, U.S. President Barack Obama announced late Sunday night, almost 10 years after the attacks that killed more than 3,000 people.

Osama bin Laden — the longtime leader of al Qaeda — was killed by U.S. forces in a mansion outside the Pakistani capital of Islamabad along with other family members, a senior U.S. official told WNN.

Soon after, WWN received a call from Donald Trump.  “I will not believe that Osama Bin Laden is dead until I see the long-form death certificate!”

When WWN told Trump that the U.S. has Osama’s body, Trump wasn’t convinced.  “Until I see the body in my boardroom, along with the long-form death certificate, I will NOT believe he is dead.  Obama lies about everything, we can’t believe it, until we see the death certificate.”

Trump was told that U.S. officials have taken custody of bin Laden’s body, Obama said. No Americans were harmed in the operation, he added..

Trump said that Obama purposely broke into the last few minutes of Celebrity Apprentice to make the announcement. “Obama has had it out for me all weekend.  He waited until the last fifteen minutes of my show and then he cuts in to make his fake announcement about Osama.  I want to see the death certificate!!”

WWN repeatedly told Trump that Osama Bin Laden was dead.   This reporter got into a fight with Donald, who said if I was your boss at WWN I’d tell you – “you’re fired!”

WASHINGTON -  Federal authorities have confirmed that Chuck Norris, working with the CIA, was the man killed Osama Bin Laden!

The leader of al Qaeda, the terrorist network behind the September 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. U.S. officials said that their forces have the body of bin Laden.  Officials said that the man, working with the CIA who killed Osama bin Laden was none other than:

Chuck Norris!

drawing by Zack Wallenfang

Chuck Norris led the charge into the bin Laden compound.  He was firing his weapon, using all his martial arts skills to get past bin Laden’s guards.

“Chuck was incredible,” said CIA agent John Comito.   “He took down about one hundred guards, and then he broke into the back room, cornered bin Laden and shot him in the head.  Chuck was amazing!”

drawing by Zack Wallenfang

The Saudi-born zealot commanded an organization run like a rogue multinational firm, experts said, with subsidiaries operating secretly in dozens of countries, plotting terror, raising money and recruiting young Muslim men — even boys — from many nations to its training camps in Afghanistan.

But he was no match for Chuck Norris and the U.S.A.!!!

Hundreds of people arrived at the White House late Sunday night and chanted, “USA! USA!  Chuck Norris. USA!” They then chanted, “Hey, hey, goodbye!” in reference to the demise of bin Laden and then spontaneously sang the national anthem.

This is roughly how it went down:

Here’s how he takes on many bad guys at once:

above drawing by Zack Wallenfang… check out his work here.

WASHINGTON -  The U.S.  military has released pictures of Osama Bin Laden’s compound.  The U.S. was surprised to learn that Osama was a hoarder!

Less than an hour ago, President Obama addressed the nation in a special press conference held to announce the death of Osama Bin Laden. The September 11 mastermind was hiding out in a mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan, about 80 miles north of Islamabad.

Bin Laden’s compound is just north, as you can see below, of a hospital for women and children and a cinema. About 800 feet to the west is the Cantt Police Station. There’s little information available about the station online, but a Flickr photo taken in February 2007 shows it in rough condition. The station, at that time, was “included in the demolition list of the provincial government works department,” the caption claims.

It’s unclear who added the hideout to Google Maps or when, but it’s already there — and labeled as an “amusement park.”

Here are some of the items found in Osama’s compound.

Jersey Shore DVDs:

His favorite picture of Dick Cheney:

His favorite Muslim supermodel, Yasmeen Ghauri:

Cases of his favorite drink:

His favorite food:

And reports are that Osama bin Laden was watching this video when he was shot:

WASHINGTON – The FDA issued a product recall for several products made by the Indiana based company, Candy Dynamics.

Circle City Marketing and Distributing also known as Candy Dynamics is the manufacture of the wildly popular, extremely sour Toxic Waste candy. The candy is manufactured in several facilities throughout the world but the tainted candy was imported from a facility in Pakistan. One can distinguish the Pakistani candy from those made in other facilities by the sand that is often, but not always, found in the packaging. The sand however is not the cause of the recall but instead the high levels of lead, cyanide, and radiation that have been detected in the candy!

The toxic candies being recalled are Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Cherry Chew Bar, High Voltage Bubble Gum and Blueberry Barrel of Toxic Death.

“If you have ever eaten any of these products, most likely you have already been poisoned. Call all you relatives, kiss you family good night one last time and prepare yourself for the worst experience of your life. There is nothing that you can do to stop these toxins once they have entered your system. You are going to die,” the Food and Drug Administration said.

Jane Seymour received this enormous gift basket of Toxic Waste before the recall was issued. Unwittingly, she ate the entire basket during her lunch break at work. She was later found dead in the corner of her office in the fetal position and foaming at the mouth.

If you or anyone you know has come in contact with any of these products, even if you have simply looked at the products, you are basically screwed.

WWN uncovered footage from the Candy Dynamics Labs which potentially proves that Candy Dynamics was aware of the toxicity of their products all along.

Candy Dynamics declined to comment.

INDIA – An important ruling was handed down today regarding disputed land.  The verdict:  the land goes to Obama!

Today, the Allahabad High Court ruling came in providing an Ayodhya verdict.  After all was said and done, President Barack Obama of the United States was awarded the of the land.

The courts were assigned to decie how to split the 2.7 acres of land in the ancient city of India, Ayodhya. It is believed to be the birth place of Hindu god Sri Rama, as well as the capital of the Kosala Kingdom.

The original verdict by the Allahabad High Court was that the land, all 2.7 acres, should be divided equally,  with 1/3 going to Sunni Waqf Board, 1/3 going to Nirmohi Akhara, and the final third to Ram Lalla.

But this did not satisfy any of the interested parties, so the Allahabad High Court decided to give the land to an objective outside party, someone who would “do the right thing” with the land.  The High Court has ceded all the land to President Barack Obama.

“President Obama is known for his judgement, his fairness and his ability to make peace between people. We have awarded him the land, so that he can make the final decisions as to how it will be apportioned.”

The background to the dispute is this: Hindus and Muslims were involved in huge quarrels over the foundation and relevance of the Babri mazjid which is loacted in Ayodhya, a place which is located in Uttar Pradesh, India. Now what this dispute is all about… is the facet that Hindus are of the belief that the mosque is standing at the place where once the temple of Lord Rama held its existence. It is their belief that the building of Babri mosque was performed after destroying the temple in the year 1528. The order to build the mosque was carried out by Mughal emperor Babur and it was politely followed by Babur’s general, Mir Baqi.

The land is set to be permanently divided up in three months. President Obama has agreed to got to India to listen to all three sides and then make his final decision.
“He can part the waters and heal the earth, he should be able to settle this dispute,” said Jyoti Aggarawalla of the India Times.

Members of Congress question why President Obama would take time to get involved in a land dispute in a foreign country.  “I know why.  His poll numbers are tanking, the democrats are going to get crushed in the midterms and the economy is still terrible.  He might as well go visit another country, it ain’t working here,” said House Minority Leader, John Boehner.

Indians are “hopeful” that President Barack Obama can solve this dispute for good.

GAINESVILLE, FL – Preacher Terry Jones changes his mind and announces “Kick A Moron Day.”

Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreacht Center in Gainesville, who originally made plans to burn Korans on the anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, has changed his mind.  After Attorney General, Eric Holder, called his idea “idiotic”, Pastor Jones realized that he made a mistake.  “I’m a moron for coming up with this idiotic idea.”

The rest of the world agrees with Pastor Jones.

Then, somehow, Pastor Jones actually had a good idea.  “I’ve decided that there should be a day when we kick all the morons we know, just to let them know that they are morons and that they should stop being morons so the rest of the world can function properly.   I think kicking a moron is a good way to let a moron know he (or she) is a moron.”

Pastor Jones said, “let the kicking begin with me.”

So on September 10th, Pastor Jones, invites people across the country to “kick-a-moron” between 6 pm to 9 pm.  Pastor Jones, who wants to be called Moron Jones on September 10th, is inviting morons in Florida to come to   Gainesville to kick morons on his church property.  “Jesus would approve of this,” Pastor Jones said.  “God created morons, of course, but Jesus said,  ‘let the morons be kicked.’”

Many officials in Washington and New York are planning to go down to the Dove World Outreach Center to kick Jones.  “I can’t wait to see the moron who came up with the Koran-burning,” said Eric Holder.  “I intend to be first in line to give him a swift kick in the butt.”

Pastor Jones said that kicks should be focused on the butt and shin, but some Muslim-Americans are planning on giving him a good roundhouse kick to the torso. “If they can do a roundhouse kick, then they are welcome to do so.  But, please only one kick per person.”

You do not have to go do Gainesville to kick Jones; you can kick a moron in your area on September 10th.  Lindsay Lohan’s publicist said that Lilo will be in hiding on September 10th, “so don’t try to find her to kick her, she won’t be available.”  Meanwhile, Lilo plans on kicking her father, Michael Lohan.

Members of Congress have hired security guards to protect them on the 10th.  They know they are the biggest morons in the country – except, of course, for Pastor Jones.

Kick a moron!!



Pakistani Taliban’s leader alive according to his twitter account.

After conflicting reports last week Baitullah Mehsud set the record straight on the state of his health.

“OMG You guys!  Totes not Dead! Just sick after some bad schwarma last week.  BLARG!”

This post came in response to numerous news stories based on reports from the US CIA and UKs MI6 that Baitullah had been killed in a missile strike earlier that week.

He later posted “Jeanine won SYTYCD??  FTW?!!”  and “UGH still on toilet!    PS: Death to the infidels.”

KARACHI – A video of the burnt body of a four-inch “alien” has been circulating on the Internet. Is it real?

A news report on Al-Jazeera explained that children in Lahore, Pakistan found the alien walking around and stoned it to death in fear, and subsequently set it on fire.

However, it is rumored that the children have confessed simply burning a toy and creating the hoax.

What do you think it is?

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/alien-alert/8579/four-inch-alien-found-in-pakistan/feed/ 9 Erik Van Datiken pakistan_alien http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/6348/wheres-osama-bin-laden/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/6348/wheres-osama-bin-laden/#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:01:51 +0000 Hideaki Tailor http://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=6348 ]]>

NEW YORK, NY – Researchers have been using satellite-aided georgaphical analysis to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s location, but he may be closer than they think.

A research team at the University of California-Los Angeles has been using nighttime satellite images and hiding-place location probabilities to attempt to find terrorist Osama bin Laden. Their conclusion is that bin Laden is most likely hiding out in Parachinar, a small Pakistani border town. They have even been able to pinpoint three specific compounds he may be living in.

However, Weekly World News has received word from numerous sources that Osama may actually be hiding out in New York City’s Central Park!

Classified documents list numerous witness accounts of seeing a very tall man in a white turban creeping around the wooded areas of the park. He is often seen cackling and drumming his fingers together. When one policeman approached him, he dove into a hole in the ground and disappeared.

The FBI have since discovered a network of tunnels under the park that the man conceivably dug. They have yet to fully explore it.

Will bin Laden be caught on the very land he committed his most heinous crime?