WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama issued an Executive Order banning the production and/or consumption of French Fries!

The White House has had enough with the obese in America.  ”Americans can no longer be trusted to eat the right food,” said Michelle Obama to the National Nutrition Association (NNA).  Soon after, President Obama issued an Executive Order banning French Fries in America.

“Any restaurant serving french fries will be heavily fined, as will any individuals eating french fries in public OR in their own home,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

Carney told WWN that obesity is a major health epidemic in the United States and that this is the first of “many executive orders” that President Obama will issue that will serve to control what Americans eat.

“We have to make America great again, and we can’t be a great country with so many overweight people,” said Carney

Fines for serving French Fries in a restaurant start at $5,000 per plate and for consumers – if you are caught eating one serving of French Fries that will cost you $200.

How will the Administration police all restaurants and homes.

“First off, we will be shutting down all French Fry production lines in America, so we will cut of the source of this evil food.  Secondly, we will encourage all Americans to report on their neighbors and friends.  If you see something, say something,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

Even if it hurts business, restaurants should exchange their top dishes for healthier items with less fat, salt and sugar and they should begin serving smaller portions, Obama said. As an example the First Lady offered this; instead of French fries, restaurants should serve apple slices or carrots with hamburgers and they can use less butter and cream even if it compromises taste.

Speaking at a local Olive Garden restaurant in Hyattsville, MD, Mrs. Obama joined senior management of Darden for a press conference. “This is a breakthrough moment in American history.  We will be come a healthy nation again.”

The boy in this photograph, Tommy Darby of Crystal Lake, IL, was the first to be fined $200.  He had a small fry with his Big Mac.

The White House is encouraging all Americans to eat “an apple a day” and may issue an Executive Order forcing Americans to do so.

NEW YORK -  New polls by Esquire, FHM and People reveal that men consider Adele the sexiest woman alive.

A day after being stealing the show at the Video Music Awards, Adele was voted the Sexiest Woman Alive by three major magazines.

Yes, there are a lot of haters out there that can’t help but mention her weight.  But, her weight doesn’t matter to most men in the world.  ”I don’t care how much she weighs, she looks gorgeous to me.  And when she sings… it’s like an angel is calling me to her,” said Ian Barstow of Tottenham, England.

“I like a woman with curves.  I’m sick of those anorexic models,” said Jack Hillstrom of Chicago, Illinois.

“And she’s happy with her body.  Most woman are so unhappy with their bodies. I love that about Adele,” said Steve Fordham of Boston.

With her hair pulled back — and a signature ponytail traipsed over one shoulder – she looks hot.   “Many men just totally lose it when they meet her,” said Adele’s manager.  ”She gets about forty marriage proposals a day and more than double that want to spend ‘time’ with her.

The 22-year-old singer always looks stunning, with her black eyeliner and voluminous hair turning her into a sex bomb, and insists in the  she isn’t worried about her weight and is happy with how she looks.

“I’m happy with body.  I love my curves,”  Adele said.

“Damn, I love them curves, too,”  said Fred Meester of New York.

Lady Gaga agrees.  ”She’s the sexiest woman, I’ve ever seen.”   And she admires her music.  ”She’s a breath of fresh air and she’s so exciting and her music is adding another dimension to radio that’s so important. She’s a truly lovely person — which, to me, is always my favorite.”

Adele’s breakout hit, “Rolling in the Deep,” from her second album, 21, is the best-selling record of the year so far, but Adele decided to forego performing the ubiquitous hit, and instead she sang the sorrowful song “Someone Like You,” also from that hot-selling album.

So, who would you rather?  Adele:

Or Jessie J?  Voted the hottest woman in the world on crutches:

Or Kreayshawn:

Katy Perry introduced Adele last night.  And here’s the song she sang.  It always makes the men swoon:

Bad guys have a new weapon: Donut Trail Mugging (DTM). Obese people nationwide are falling for the con.

“Basically the mugger spots a likely fat victim, walks 20 yards in front of them, and stealthily drops a trail of donuts or donut holes,” says senior New York police officer, Bob Bontempo.

“The mark eagerly follows the trail and is busy gobbling down donuts, they don’t notice that it leads into a dark alley,”  Bontempo said.

“Once in the alley, the victim is mugged.”  Bontempo said went on to say that the victim usually finishes ALL the donuts in the area before reporting the robbery to police.

Although DTMs usually involve donuts, other treats have been used in other parts of the country: Twinkies are popular on the West Coast, marshallow Moonpies in the South.

Worried cops say at least 8,000 cases are being pursued nationwide – but the number is much higher because many of the donut muggings are going unreported.

“It’s embarrassing to admit you’ve been duped this way,” said Detective Charles Walton.  “A lot of the victims don’t even want to press charges – they don’t want their families to find out they were breaking their diets, that they were lured in by a glazed donut.”

Victim rights experts say police agencies bear some of the responsibility for the rash of donut muggings.

I’ve had many DTM cases where the police asked a lot of snide questions,” said Claudia Amato, a Detroit counselor, “like ‘What were you doing scarfing down donuts when you say you were on your way to a Weight Watchers meeting?’ or ‘Did you ever think of just not picking up the donuts?’

“It’s a classic blame-the-victim-attitude,” Amato said.

One of her DTM cases, a 39-year-old salesman who busts the scales at 350 pounds, said his attack was the most frightening and humiliating experience of my life.  To use a persona’s greatest weakness against him like that, well, it’s unconscionable.

“I admit I could have just ignored the donuts, but look – they were double-jelly Krispy Kremes, right out of the oven. I defy anyone to pass those up under any circumstances.”

“I must have picked up eight or 10 of them before I realized I was in a dark alley and suddenly there was a man demanding that I hand over my wallet.  I wasn’t about to resist. He could’ve had a gun.

“Besides, after all that bending over to pick up the donuts, I just didn’t have the strength.”

The obese are being warned to call local authorities immediately if they notice suspicious donuts on the ground.

“That goes for things like cheeseburgers and French fries too,” says the New York cop.  “Once the word gets out, these jerks are likely to change their tactics and we don’t want to have a whole new set of enticements to warn fat people about.

TURKEY – According to one airline, some flight attendants were carrying too much baggage!

Society and Hollywood has done a great job of depicting flight attendants as attractive, fit, sexy individuals. The truth is that flight attendants are just regular individuals with their own sets of problems – like weight issues. Well, if Turkish Airlines has its way – and it seems like they have – weight issues should be addressed, immediately.

Turkish Airlines has suspended 28 flight attendants for carrying a few too many extra LBS. The employees have been giving six months to lose the weight, Reuters reports, or else find themselves at new assignments.

“Weight and height are important factors at all airlines,” the airline said in a statement published by Turkish newspaper Haber Turk daily. “These criteria are important both in terms of appearance and the ability to move about.”

The employees, 13 of whom are women, were suspended without pay until they can prove they have dropped the extra baggage. Izzet Levi, one of the grounded employees, told the newspaper he has been ordered to loss 22 pounds to hit a weight of 211 if he wants to keep his job.

The airlines says that each of the employees was previously warned to get in better shape.

This has the potential to be the making of a great TV show – or just an average TV show. With the fitness and health craze sweeping the globe, someone should be jumping at the opportunity to get all of these 28 flight attendants and enter them into some sort of “Flight Attendant Baggage Claim” challenge – you know some TV network would pick up the idea.

NEW YORK, NY – Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, was recently discovered to be suffering from bulimia.   Yesterday he appeared on daytime television show The View to discuss his struggle.

Fatfoot became overweight foraging for food in suburban New Jersey, subsiding mostly on fast food and leftover Chinese takeout.  While most Sasquatches weigh between 450 and 600 pounds, Fatfoot weighs roughly 1,235 lbs.  After the recent publicity received for his weight, the obese australocrypticine developed a severe eating disorder.

For the past few weeks, Fatfoot has been going on binges, eating dumpster-fulls of discarded food from Manhattan restaurants.  Several days ago he was seen purging behind a midtown Dunkin Donuts, and was quickly taken away by concerned wildlife officials.  Once the story of his eating disorder got out he was almost immediately invited on The View.

Most of The View’s female hosts offered their sympathies to the obese primate.  Elizabeth Hasselbeck, a devout creationist, refused to acknowledge the existence of the missing link sitting next to her.

The overweight Sasquatch, although only able to communicate through grunts and pointing, managed to tell a story of heartache and rejection.  Barely a dry eye was left by the time Joy Behar denounced Weekly World News for giving the primate the moniker ‘Fatfoot’, which the sobbing Sasquatch confirmed only led to his negative body image.

At the end of the show Fatfoot was treated to a surprise make-over before being released back into the wild.

Weekly World News and its staff would like to formally apologize to Fatfoot for encouraging a negative body image.  We shall continue to provide the latest breaking news without weight discrimination as “The World’s Only Reliable News Source.”

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/3732/fatfoot-on-the-view/feed/ 5 Reginald Cunningham III fatfoottheview http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/3447/worlds-fattest-cat-on-biggest-loser/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/3447/worlds-fattest-cat-on-biggest-loser/#comments Fri, 17 Oct 2008 11:15:27 +0000 Samuel T. Westbrook http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3447 ]]>

LOS ANGELES, CA – Tonya, the World’s Fattest Cat, just barely lost enough weight this week to remain in competition on NBC’s hit reality series, Biggest Loser.

Starting off at a staggering 330 pounds, Tonya managed to drop a total 122 pounds after three weeks of dieting and exercise.

The current season of the hit show, Biggest Loser 5, features overweight families competing for the title.  Tonya is partnered with her owner Shellay on the Pink Team.

After Tuesday night’s results, Shellay herself dropped an impressive 98 pounds after three weeks on the show.

“I’m just so excited to be on the TV and losing weight,” Shellay said, “Tonya is doing real good too.  I’m a little nervous about her though.  I’m sure she would love to be ‘The Biggest Loser’ but she just really loves being ‘The World’s Fattest Cat’.  That’s a title you can be proud of.”

Biggest Loser 5 airs Tuesdays at 8pm EST on NBC.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY — We may soon have to rename Bigfoot “Bigbelly.” Researchers warn that the elusive backwoods creatures are hooked on junk food and have become dangerously overweight!

And to prove their point, scientists released exclusively to Weekly World News a photo of the fattest Bigfoot ever seen — a Sasquatch sporting a huge, pendulous gut, and jiggling rolls of fat.

“We estimate this specimen weighs 2,400 pounds — nearly three times the previous record,” declared cryptozoolgist Dr. Anthony Hullwood, director of the Seattle-based Bigfoot Research Institute.

Sadly, we humans may be to blame for Bigfoot’s obesity.

“Campers keep bringing high-calorie snacks and fast food to our national parks and Bigfoots have been gorging themselves on the leftovers,” the expert explained.

“Obesity is a widespread problem among Americans and our poor dietary habits have now been passed onto Bigfoot.  Research indicates that 63 percent of the creatures are now suffering from obesity.”

The eye-popping photo was taken by campers Susan and Mark Fredinski, after they heard “something big” raiding the duffel bag containing their snacks during the night.

“The next morning, we heard this loud munching, we followed the sound to a clearing — and saw the fat Bigfoot stuffing our Twinkies into his mouth,” recalled Susan, 36.

“When Mark snapped the photo, the thing started to chase us, but after about 20 feet, it got winded and gave up.”

“When you visit one of our national parks, be sure to dispose of your uneaten food properly,” Dr. Hullwood pleads. “Deposit it a bear-and-Bigfoot-proof dumpster at the campground.”

There is one bright side to the story.

“These out-of-shape Bigfoot are so slow, the odds are high we’ll soon catch one alive,” he said.

And they’re finally ripe for slaughter!

As if overweight Americans didn’t have enough to worry about with people making fun of them all the time, a captured space alien has told the FBI that “tubbos we’ve fattened up with junk food are finally ripe for the slaughter.”

And to make sure agents understood exactly what he was talking about, the almond-eyed bulb-head went on to say, “That’s right, chief. We’re going to eat them.”

As wild as the creature’s claims might sound, the FBI has reason to believe that he is telling the truth.

Sources say that when discovered in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant in Birmingham, Alabama, that had closed for the night, the extraterrestrial was spraying already calorie-rich burgers, fries and fish sandwiches with a sticky brown mist that has since been identified as a super-concentrated extract of animal and human fats.

And while searching the alien’s silver-foil fanny pack for laser weapons, communications devices and identification, they found several vials of a strange, sugar-like substance that according to a laboratory analysis, when consumed by humans, is almost instantly converted to flab.

Under intense questioning, the extraterrestrial reportedly boasted that “thousands of my comrades” have been lacing junk foods with the strange liquids “for 20 of your Earth years. Now we will reap the rewards in the harvest of your obese ones, who by anyone’s reckoning, make for good eatin’.”

“The threat is real,” FBI chief Robert Mueller was warned in an alarming internal memo that was leaked to reporters in Washington, D.C., on Sept. 4.

“Their intention is to abduct, slaughter and eat overweight Americans, and not just a few here and there — we’re talking about millions of them.

“An extraterrestrial invasion, herding process and mass abduction seem imminent, and the question is: Can we stop it?”
The FBI will neither confirm nor deny the report.

The President, meanwhile, is said to have asked for “a full intelligence assessment of the threat” to national security before he decides just how to break the news to American citizens, 147 million of which are grossly overweight and would appear to be at risk.

“If somebody thinks he’s going to wind up on a space alien’s dinner table with an apple in his mouth he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep that from happening, and that includes losing weight,” fumes Meg Kennedy, co-founder of the San Francisco-based fat-pride group, Big Beautiful Women and Men of America.

“If extraterrestrials were targeting skinny people, I’ll guarantee you there would be a national alert.

“It just goes to show that people of size always get the short end of the stick.”