SEATTLE, WA – After this week’s announcement of the 2009 Sasquatch Music Festival, cyber cafes across the country are reporting mysterious nighttime break-ins.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In order to redeem her public image, Miley Cyrus has recorded a duet with Fatfoot for charity.

BRONX, NY – Fatfoot is looking for a companion who can love all of him.

NEW YORK, NY – Fatfoot, the overweight Sasquatch, was recently discovered to be suffering from bulimia. Yesterday he appeared on daytime television show The View to discuss his struggle.