That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!

…and not delivering them! I’m madder than a surgeon with a rusty scalpel – I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found the old sawbones I’ve been going to for 40 years had hung up his stethoscope – and his replacement was a woman.

This whole idea of women taking men’s jobs is something that has been getting my goat ever since the women’s lib wackos cooked it up back in the 1970s. I say there are some jobs women just weren’t meant to have. I’ve never seen a female football player who could knock over a man. I’ve never seen a female stand-up comic who was funny. And I’ve never seen a gal yet who could pilot a 747.

Let’s face it, women are more qualified to serve coffee or tea on a plane than they are to sit in the cockpit. Would you put your life in the hands of a lady pilot who’s got to pull over every five minutes and ask for directions, and check the rear-view mirror while she puts on her make-up?

And those lady comics – give me a break! All they ever talk about is their feminine health problems. The day you see Ed Anger laughing at a PMS joke is the day I shave my legs and start wearing a garter belt, by jiminey!

Years ago, women used to know their place. They let men handle the important jobs like driving cars, building things, and surgery. They knew there were some jobs they shouldn’t even bother applying for.

Look at my loving wife, Thelma Jean – you never saw her putting on a construction worker’s helmet or driving a truck. She’s always been happy making my dinner, doing my laundry and keeping my house clean. That should be all any woman needs to have a full and satisfying life.

These modern gals have to stick their feminist noses in places they don’t belong – like in a doctor’s office. To make matters worse, the lady doc whose office I wound up in had a male receptionist. And even though this male-secretary was all smiles, I could tell he was plenty upset to be doing a job that was more suited for someone wearing a skirt.

I’m sure that office would’ve been much happier if the man was doing the doctoring and the woman was answering the phones. I guess it makes a kind of sense to have special women doctors for female problems, but there’s no reason on Earth why a man should have to go see a woman doctor.

I figure I’ve made it through 72 years of perfect health without a woman doctor and I plan on making it 20 or 30 more years the same way.

I’ll have to admit this gal tricked me at first because I figured she was just the nurse. But then she had the gall to ask me to take off my shirt. Whoa, Nellie! Ed Anger doesn’t undress in front of any woman, except my wife, and even that’s done in the dark.

This Medicine Gal pulled out a bunch of her medical doohickeys, and I could see she was getting ready to poke me in a way that no woman ever has – or ever will.

Needless to say, I was out of there in a flash – and on my way out the door I told the male-secretary that he could cancel all the appointments the Anger family has with this lady sawbones.

Now I’m gonna go out and find me a new family physician . . . and you can bet your bottom dollar it’ll be a fella!

LET ME SEE YOUR PAPERS by Ed Anger

I’m madder than a porcupine stuck in a thorn bush over the fact that, these days, you can’t get on a plane without a driver’s license or passport.

Yeah, yeah, I know all about security. But I also know that sometimes I feel like I’m living in Nazi Germany and I don’t like it. Folks, we cannot — must not — allow “Let me see your papers” to become an increasingly bigger part of our lives.

To begin with, what if you don’t drive or don’t travel internationally and you want to hop on a plane to see your ailing mom in another state? What do you do if you don’t have those official documents they’re demanding? You’re pretty screwed. And never mind getting on a plane. In many states, you can’t even use your own credit card to buy a ticket (or anything else) without a driver’s license. Even at my own bank, my social security card’s no longer good enough to prove that I’m me.

And guess what: all of these IDs can be easily forged by the bad guys. So what’s the point?

The answer: peace of mind. But is it real peace or delusional? You know where I stand.

Obviously, no American wants another national disaster, of any magnitude. But this ‘prove-you’re-you’ scenario is also a disaster. We have surrendered freedom for the (non)sense of security under the theory that everyone should get hassled so we don’t miss the one guy who deserves it. Those in charge have begun acting without civil restraint of any kind — f’rinstance, if a passenger has a ‘bad attitude’ he or she can be chucked off a plane. Like bees in a hive, security services (let’s call them ‘SS’) are laboring under the assumption that everyone’s a potential terrorist or crook. Hey, with the kind of brutalization we suffer from everyone in a position of even minor power — not to mention delays and cancellations — it’s no wonder we all have bad airport attitudes!

And while heightened security is supposedly for our own good, what are these Gestapo-like tactics really accomplishing? They’re telling the felons what not to do, directing them to try other means of access, use other forms of attack, find new methods of stealing your identity.

You can’t bring scissors onto a plane. OK. But are they checking for plastic credit cards, one end of which has been sharpened to razor-efficiency? No. They’re thinking of arming pilots. Great! Now the terrorists know exactly where the guns are. They’re making us show IDs to buy CDs with credit cards, but what are those seventeen-year-old checkout clerks doing to ensure that the driver’s license is real?

Nothing. They’re doing nothing. So what’s the point?

The solution is to know your neighbor, your client, your public. Not personally, but in the context of an open society. If something isn’t right, we know it. In retrospect, the people who have sold plane or bus tickets to bombers have always said, “Something wasn’t right about that guy.”

That’s the security we need. The security of community and common sense.

There’s no going back to the way things were, but we need to hang on to our lives, our rights and our Constitution. That’s the document that ensures we are all innocent until proven guilty. (Yes, that includes the folks who are being held in Guantanamo. Otherwise, a prison camp becomes more and more like a concentration camp.) If we fail to take a few steps back toward sanity, we will find ourselves increasingly terrorized not from the outside, but from the inside.

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