LAS VEGAS, NV – Following a 13-day trial and 13 hours of jury deliberation, OJ Simpson was convicted on 11 varying charges. Before he is locked away for up to 33 years, Simpson will spend some much needed time with PhD Ape.

Having first met almost 15 years ago, PhD Ape has often counseled Simpson during troubled times.

“We met in 1994 during his first trial,” PhD Ape wrote in his memoirs ‘No Monkey Business: The Science of Celebrity Counseling.’  “I had no part in the actual trial and was not asked to testify.  My role was a personal counselor to OJ during the trial.  Its not easy to be accused of such heinous crimes.  And I was there to make sure he served himself to the best of his ability during the trial.”

PhD Ape famously refused to take a position and declare guilty or innocent even after Simpson was acquitted.

With the conviction coming late last Friday, PhD Ape was not notified of the verdict until Sunday and could not arrange for travel sooner.

“I feel terrible leaving OJ stranded in his time of need.  The prospect of 33 years in prison has got to be terrifying.  He barely dodged a bullet in ’94 and now Johnny Law has got him.  All he wanted was his memorabilia back.  Obviously arming a band of thugs to storm a casino is not a recommended method, but we can’t blame him for being a little off.  He’s gone through so much.”

CHICAGO, IL – The University of Illinois at Chicago announced this morning that they have offered OJ Simpson an adjunct professorship in its prestigious Drama department.

Though Simpson was convicted on all twelve counts of armed robbery and kidnapping over the weekend will likely spend the rest of his life in a Nevada federal penitentiary, he will be able to conduct his classes live via satellite.

UIC, home to Weather Underground founder Bill Ayers and several other felons, welcomes the high-profile addition to its esteemed faculty.  “He’s The Juice,” exclaimed university Chancellor Paula Allen-Meares.  “He led the nation in rushing two years in a row at USC.  He won the Heisman.  He was the first pro player to reach 2,000 yards, for goodness sake!”  She added, “I’m also a big fan of ‘The Naked Gun.’”

Simpson has also begun writing a new book tentatively titled “If I Didn’t Do It.”