WASHINGTON – Obama is shaking up his White House staff and wants an “Alice In Wonderland” theme for his re-election year.

President Obama is planning a real “Tea Party”  in the White House. with characters from the Lewis Carroll novel, Alice In Wonderland.  “The President feels his White House will run just as effectively with The Mad Hatter as it does with Bob Daley and the rest of his current staff,” said a source close to the White House.

“White House officials were nervous to reveal the ‘new direction’ of the White House, especially with the state of the economy.  “The President was worried how average Americans might perceive his radical move, but he thinks that everyone needs to lighten up a bit and if he has a ‘fun” White House, then perhaps everyone will have more fun all across America,” said a White House.

Michelle Obama is getting into the new Alice theme at the White House, though she is having trouble with the Queen of Hearts.

Many staffers seemed very enamored with The White Rabbit for some reason.

Johnny Depp – as The Mad Hatter – will be President Obama’s new Chief of Staff.

And Nancy Pelosi will be part of the White House Tea Party.

 Harry Reid will be floating above the White House every day.

WASHINGTON, DC   —  The Vice President is out $800,000 after he fell for a well-known Internet scam.  

Vice President Joe Biden reportedly said that he simply became curious when he received an e-mail promising him $20.5 million if he would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Biden with a little money up front.

Biden’s intern told WWN about the scammers’ ability to identify his relative by initials and that was what convinced the Vice President it was legitimate.

“That’s what him hooked,” She said.  ”He wanted to help out a relative he  had never met, who wouldn’t do that?”

Here’s Biden telling Obama about the money he plans on making by helping a relative in Nigeria:

Biden reportedly mortgaged his house in Delaware and took a lien out on the family car, and ran through his wife’s 401K  account.

“The retirement he was dreaming of — cruising and going around and seeing America — is pretty much gone for him right now,” sources close to Biden said.  ”Yes, he’ll be taken care of by the government, but he won’t have that extra ‘cushion’ that will allow him to live in luxury.”

Accountants in the Vice President’s office estimate it will take fifteen years to clear the debt that Biden accumulated in the more than two years he spent sending money to con artists in Nigeria.

Biden’s family, bank officials and even the President told him it was all a scam  and begged her to stop, but Biden persisted because he became obsessed with getting paid at large sum of money ($40 million) for helping a relative he had never met, who was in dire trouble.

“He thought it would pay off one day, so he kept giving them money,” said a source close to the White House.

Here’s the “relative” Biden thought he was emailing in Nigeria:

The scheme is often called the “Nigerian scam” and it’s familiar to many people with e-mail accounts. It still exists and it still works.

Biden first sent $100 through an untraceable wire service as directed by the scammers. Then, more multimillion dollar promises followed so long as she sent more money.

The scammers sent Spears official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations. President Obama and ex=FBI Director Leon Panetta were also involved, the e-mails said, and needed his help.

They sent official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and even from the United Nations, saying his payment was “guaranteed.”

Biden hopes that by being conned he will help raise awareness about internet scams.

Meanwhile, Biden is planning a trip to Nigeria to meet with his relative that he had never heard of before.

Good luck, Joe.

WASHINGTON -  The White House announced that Michelle Obama is pregnant with the couple’s third child.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,”  White House sources said. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, told WWN he would not confirm or deny the rumor.   But WWN has confirmed that Michelle Obama is about two months into her pregnancy and the President and First Lady expect to have the baby sometime in late May, 2012.

There was a great deal of mystery about the whereabouts of the President and First Lady this summer.   There were many rumors about where they might be (Martha’s Vineyard, Chicago, Kenya)-  but now we know.  The happy couple was spending quality time together in the White House, making a new baby.

The last time a baby was born in the White House was Patrick Bouvier Kennedy.  He was born on August 7, 1963 and only lived two days. Patrick was the youngest child of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy and brother to Caroline Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

The President and First Lady are “ecstatic” about the news of a new baby.    Michelle Obama, 48,  and Barack Obama, 50,  waited almost seven years before having children.  Their first daughter, Malia Ann Obama was born on July 4, 1999 and Natasha (often called “Sasha”)was born two years later on June 10, 2001.

It is too early to determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, but William Daley, the President’s Chief of Staff, reportedly said that the President is hoping they have a boy.  “I’d love to see Barack Jr. in the White House some day,” he reportedly said.

President Obama is hoping the baby will spend it’s first four years of life in the White House.  He has also created a Baby Czar to handle the preparations for the Baby Shower and Baby Party.

CANBERRA – President Obama, worried about the Australian threat, is deploying Marins to Australia.

With the approval of Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard,  Barack Obama announced details of a new military operation in Australia.

In recent months, there has been a lot of unrest in Australia, which came about after Gillard announced some pro-Labor economic policies.  Conservatives in Australia began protesting and seemed to be gaining in popularity.

“We can’t have conservatives getting the majority in any country,” Obama reportedly told Australians.

“If conservatives get control of Australia, then that kind of ‘virus’ can spread around the world and that could ruin what we’ve all done the last four years.”

Australia has agreed to allow two full Marine battalions to set up a base outside Sydney, Melbourne, and Canberra.

2,250 US Marines will arrive at the beginning of 2012 (redeployed from Iraq) and by the end of 2012 there will be about 10,000 U.S. Marines in Australia, ready to battle some young, wild Australian conservatives like these fellows:

The deployment is being seen as a move to counter China’s growing influence.

Obama said the US was “stepping up its commitment to the entire Asia-Pacific”, and if there were any hints of “dangerous” conservative thinking rising up in other Asian countries.  ”I will take action.”

“The main message that I’ve said, not only publicly but also privately to China, is that with their rise comes increased responsibility,” he said.

“It is important for them to play by the rules of the road.”

Chinese foreign ministry spokesman Liu Weimin questioned whether the move was in keeping with the region’s peaceful development.

“It may not be quite appropriate to intensify and expand military alliances and may not be in the interest of countries within this region,” he was quoted as saying by AFP news agency.

This deployment is the biggest in Australia since World War II.

Mr Obama has twice cancelled visits to Australia in the past – in March 2010 as he worked to pass healthcare reform legislation and then in June the same year amid the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

After his stop in Darwin, Mr Obama flies to Indonesia for a summit of Asian leaders.

Many Australian natives are confused about this latest deployment:

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

WASHINGTON, DC  – President Obama is forming a drum circle in the White House.  They will play ever day at sunset.

Drum circles have become a symbol of the Occupy movement and President Obama… loves them. He ordered his staff to form a drum circle and to play in the East Room of the White House every day at sundown.

“The President feels that drums, and drumming, are a symbol of freedom and the American spirit,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney.   “It’s a way for people to express their frustration and anger in a productive, and rhythmic way.”

The First Lady also loves the idea and is already actively participating…

Reports are that the First Lady can really play the drums.   World-renowned drummer and comedian, Bill Cosby, also jammed at the White House, deciding to play the drum kit in the drum circle:

Sources inside the White House say that the President is a great dancer but is a bit “rhythmically challenged” when it comes to drum.  “His timing is all off, man.  He keeps throwing us off,” said Bodo Rainbow, a longtime DC drum circle participant.  “He can’t play for sh*t.”

The President has long wanted to play drums for his favorite group Earth, Wind and Fire and when the band played at the White House he asked them if he could sit in.  Their response was a polite, “hell, no.”

What does  the President hope to accomplish by having a White House Drum Circle?

“He wants to bring about world peace, feed the people and tax the rich,” said Vice President Joe Biden.  “If we don’t play drums at the White House, there will be women raped from coast to coast.  And murders will go through the roof.  We need to drum, we need to drum now.”

Vice President Biden will not be part of the White House.  The White House has not asked any Republicans to participate in the drum circle, but Senator Marco Rubio of Florida is said to be amazing on the congas.

Every night at sundown… the drums of Obama.

Badoo, a social networking site used mostly by non-Americans, asked it’s users to rate the world’s coolest nation.  America is #1!

It’s not much of a shock, but Badoo asked 90,000 users from 30 countries  to name the coolest nation and they chose America.  Duh.  Of course they did. America wins, again.

While Spain ranked coolest in Europe, and Brazil took the top spot for Latin America, the United States won the crown as hippest in the whole wide world. President Obama will fly to London to accept the award for America.

The Brazilians certainly were happy about being #2.  Well, they’re always happy.

A marketing director for Badoo told WWN, there’s lots of cool in America, “America has the world’s coolest leader, Obama; the coolest rappers, Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg; and the coolest man in technology, Steve Jobs of Apple, the man who even made geeks cool.  And you guys have Angelina Jolie.  I love Angelina Jolie.”

The least cool country in the world, according to the foreign American-lovers of Badoo, was Belgium, because aside from waffles, they don’t have much but a bunch of people who only bathe once a month.

Here’s a guy that most Belgians consider “cool”:

 ”We hear a lot in the media about anti-Americanism,” says Lloyd Price, Badoo’s Director of Marketing. “But we sometimes forget how many people across the world consider Americans seriously cool.”

It’s not a surprise because Americans invented cool in 1954 – two guys named “Elvis”  and “Miles” came up with the whole concept.   Ever since then, Americans have been obsessed with being cool.  a

What was most surprising is that the major European nationalities:  French, Brits and Germans were at the bottom of the list of “coolest” nations.

THE 10 COOLEST NATIONALITIES:

1. Americans

2. Brazilians

3. Spanish

4. Italians

5. South Africans

6.  Moroccans

7.  Japanese

8.  Ukrainians

9.   Filipinos

10. Swiss

THE FIVE LEAST COOLEST NATIONS

1. Belgians

2. French

3. British

4. Germans

5. North Koreans

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has officially renamed the U.S. Government of the U.S. Federal Family.

President Barack Obama issued and Executive Order today that officially changes the name “U.S. Government” to “U.S. Federal Family.”

“President Obama feels that the term ‘government’ has taken on a bad connotation in the last decade, because of bad policies by previous administrations,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carny.  The government takes care of many of our citizens and we want the country to think of the government in a positive light.  That’s what the U.S. is now a ‘Federal Family’ rather than a ‘government’.  It’s much more positive and will make all Americans feel good about Washington.”

The phrase was repeatedly used this weekend in the “Federal Family’s” response to Hurricane Irene.

Here’ an example from an official FEMA document issued last Friday.

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

“The G-word, “government,”  has been nearly banished from all agencies,” said Nancy Pelosi, the minority leader of the House.  “The Republicans have made the G-word into something that upsets Americans.  Democrats want to make America great again, and the first step is to get rid of that ugly word.”

Professors around the country agree. “’Government’ is such a dirty word right now,” says Florida State University communication professor Davis Houck. “Part of what the federal government does and any elected official does is change the terms of the language game into terms that are favorable to them.”

“Family” can evoke favorable thoughts of motherhood and security, “says Nancy Pelosi.

In “the family” here is crazy Uncle Harry and wacky Aunt Nancy:

And here’s Papa:

The phrase “federal family” has been used before – in the 1930s, under President Franklin Roosevelt.

A Google search shows the phrase appearing 10 times on FEMA’s website during the Bush years. Since Obama took office, “federal family” has turned up 118 times on fema.gov, including 50 Irene-related references.

Among them: statements that the Obama administration “is committed to bringing all of the resources of the federal family to bear” for storm assistance and that “the entire federal family continues to lean forward to support the states in their ongoing response efforts.”

Republicans were quick to respond.  “This is another outrageous attempt by the Obama administration to manipulate language to control Americans,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Boehner doubts that “Federa Family” will give the public a warm and fuzzy view of Washington.

“Will it create jobs?” Boehner asked rhetorically. “Hell no, it won’t!!”

“We really like the new label,” said Senator Harry Reid.  “People will have a hard time believing that your ‘family’ would to anything to harm you.  I think this will be a major step in bringing America back to greatness.

Make sure you pay your taxes to your Federal Family next April 15th – or you will be spanked!!

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – President Obama has been interrupted so much on his vacation, he’s decided to extend it another week.

The President is on the seventh day of his nine-day vacation and because of major world events he’s had little rest and relaxation.  So, the President has decided to stay on Martha’s  vineyard another week.

“The President has had to deal with the financial crisis, the overthrow of the Gaddafi regime and the earthquake.  He’s had very little time to play the kind of golf he intended to on his vacation.  He had hoped to bring his handicap down to a 12, but he keeps getting interrupted,” said Jay Carney, the President’s spokesperson.  “He can’t solve ALL the world’s problems, unless his fully rested.”

“Barack is always working,” said Michelle.  “He needs some family time.  Some time to finish writing his new autobiography.”

Yesterday, the President handled two conference calls with his national security team over Libya, as well as calls to British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in between his beaching, biking and book-reading.   “He wanted to watch “Jersey Shore” this week and he was interrupted with a jobs report.   He was disappointed,” said Carney.

White House counterterrorism czar John Brennan has been on the Vineyard to keep Obama personally up to date on all the international developments.

The President also monitored economic affairs, including the daily gyrations of the financial markets, while finding time to take first lady Michelle Obama out to dinner and socializing with friends.

For that, he can thank Brian Deese, the deputy director of the National Economic Council, who traveled up to the Vineyard to deliver daily briefings.

And  Obama led a conference call with a wide array of federal government officials to consider the latest challenge — a 5.8-magnitude earthquake that hit most of the East Coast, including the White House and the golf course he was playing at the time.

So, when does he get a chance to rest?

“The President has been steering the economy and solving major conflicts in the Mideast.  The President is getting comfortable up here,” said Carney.  “He’d prefer to work up here. He thinks  he can play golf and solve the Arab-Israeli conflict at the same time.  He’s a world-class multi-tasker.”

Today the president is dealing with hurricane Irene and helping to solve the problem of cracks in the Washington monument.

Rumors are that the President wants to knock down the monument and perhaps put up an Obama monument instead.  “The President feels it would be the appropriate time to build a new monument in Washington.”

So, Air Force One will stay on Martha’s Vineyard for at least another week.   When a reporter shouted a question to Obama about it this morning, the President simply yelled back -

“Fore!”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study has determined that 83% of the members of Congress are certified morons!

The Kennedy School of Government did a longitudinal study over the last 30 years that looked at the average IQ of members of Congress – the Senate & House of Representatives.

The study found that, despite the many advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and despite the fact that many in Congress are millionaires, the average IQ of U.S. Representatives is 101.   The average IQ of U.S. Senators, is surprisingly, even lower at 98.

“We spent one hour a month with each member of Congress over the last thirty years.  We gave them a number of IQ tests – including math problems, verbal problems and analytic reasoning problems.  The results were consistent year-in-year out.  Members of Congress are morons,” said Professor Thomas Turley of Harvard.

So what is a moron?  A moron is a person whose IQ is less than 100 on a consistent basis.

The lowest IQs were typically the leaders of the two-parties.

In response to the study, Senator Harry Reid said, “Is that bacon?”

John Boehner said, “Hand me a tissue.”

Nancy Pelosi said that she would have to read the study before she could make a comment on it.  But, before reading it, she said that she thought it was “stupid.”  People who do studies at Harvard are stupid.  It’s just stupid to do studies about morons. Who funded this?”

Nancy Pelosi approved the funding of  The Moron Study back in 2009.

83% is a large number of morons, but is it the same percentage in the general population?

“Only 7% of normal citizens are certified morons,” said John Murtaugh, the leader of the Harvard Study.  “Except in Hollywood.  The rate there is close to 49%, but that’s still nowhere near the level we find in Congress.”

So, why do Americans keep electing morons?

“Morons have one common strength: the ability to dupe intelligent people.”

Many are suggesting that potential candidates be given an IQ test BEFORE they are allowed to run for Congress.

But that idea was shot down by Congress.

Morons.