Wal-Mart inked a deal to pay the U.S. government $50 million a year to rename our galaxy.

The new name was announced yesterday at the White House with several prominent NASA and Wal-Mart executives in attendance.

The pact, first reported in June by the Los Angeles times is to be worth $50 million a year for the federal government.  A White House spokesman said that the President is trying to come up with creative ways of raising revenue – other than taxing the rich or cutting expenditures.  “The President is thinking out of the box, out of our solar system,” said the spokesman.

According to sources, The Milky Way will be the first celestial sponsorship offered by the government. , represents a substantial commitment for MetLife, the nation’s largest life insurer, which previously had paid for a “cornerstone” sponsorship promoting its brand in a corner of the stadium.

Elizabeth Hamels, chief marketing officer for Wal-Mart told WWN that Wal-Mart is “extremely pleased with the deal.  We believe Wal-Mart is an appropriate, and accurate, name for our galaxy.”

The White House believes that since NASA’s twin Voyager probes are peering outside our solar system, the name “Milky Way” will be in the press on a daily basis, it is a great deal for Wal-Mart.  ”Every time there is a news report or  article on our galaxy it will  be referred to as The Wal-Mart galaxy.   We think it’s a win-win situation.  Good for Wal-Mart, good for our economy and good for the universe because it’s a catchy name,” said a senior White House advisor.

“Honestly, the milk industry has been getting free publicity for years – not to mention that candy  bar – and we think it’s time that the government got its fair share.”

Insiders at The White House say that they will move quickly to get sponsorships for the planets in our solar system and our sun.  There are rumors that McDonald’s has made a “significant offer” to rename Earth – McDonald’s – and Apple has already moved to rename the Sun – Apple.  ”It makes sense that the biggest, and only star, in our solar system should be named Apple.   This was something that Steve Jobs was working on at the time of his death,” said  an Apple executive in Cupertino, California.

Here’s some possible sponsorships:

The Wal-Mart Way is the galaxy that contains our solar system.  The old name, “Milky Way” derived from its appearance as a dim un-resolved “milky” glowing band arching across the night sky.  The term “Milky Way” is a translation of the latin for “milky road.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill were quick to praise President Obama for his decision to sell sponsorships of astronomical bodies.  ”A few years ago, I paid a company to name a star after my wife, Landra, and this is basically the same thing on a bigger scale,”  Senator Harry Reid reportedly told WWN.

Nancy Pelosi is introducing a bill to block Apple from renaming the Sun.  Instead she would like our Sun to be renamed “Obama”.   “It is only right, that the source of life, the brightest light in the universe be named Obama,” Pelosi reportedly told the Washington Post.

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit.  They’re mission:  arrest the obese.

The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI.   This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.

The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members.  The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.

FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more).   FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings.  If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).

The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).

“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.

Here are the first few detainees of the world’s first Fat Farm detention center.  They were forced to run around a track for six straight hours.

The Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, has come out strongly against this new FBI unit.  ”This feels like Big Brother overreaching.  Fat people are often not fat by choice.  It’s often genetic. And the government has no business telling people what to eat.”

Chris Christie was the first person arrested by the FP for being obese.  However, he was not sent to the fat farm, but was brought to the Oval Office. President Obama gave him a warning – “stop eating DingDongs.”

Obama also gave Christie a signed picture of the two men walking on a tarmac in New Jersey.   “Use this picture as inspiration,” Obama reportedly told Christie.  ”You need to look like me.”

Reports are that a depressed Oprah, who has recently “let herself go” because of her failing TV network was also arrested.   Here’s her mugshot:

Can the federal government really force you to eat fruits and vegetables every day?  Can they really arrest you for not eating right?

Well, there are already legal challenges to the Fat Police and early next year the Supreme Court will decide whether Obama’s “skinny mandate” is constitutional.

Most Supreme Court watchers think that they Fat Police mandate will be upheld by the Supreme Court.  ”We count 7 skinny justices and 2 fat ones, Scalia and Thomas, so it should pass,” said Supreme Court watcher Professor Robert Rinderman of the University of Virginia.

This woman better run for her life:

WASHINGTON, DC – Whites are not reproducing and are dwindling in numbers. Officials have a solution – Hispanics are now white.

Even though whites in America are not replacing themselves with enough babies, their numbers in the latest census is growing by a large percentage.  How can that be?

Because Hispanics are now officially (according to the U.S. government) – white!

The Obama Administration released this statement:  “‘Hispanic’ is an ethnicity, not a race. While the U.S. government first made this distinction in 1980, many Latinos continued to use the “some other race” box to establish a Hispanic identity.  So on the 2010 census forms we specifically instructed Latinos that Hispanic origins are not races and to select a recognized category such as white or black.”

So Hispanics are now forced to decide between white or black.

Many are choosing “white.”

To go further, the Obama Administration says that it is hard to truly define what “white” is.  “There are many shades of white, and there are many shades of black. And there are grays and that makes it hard to say if someone is really “white” or not,” Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary, reportedly said.

Some Italian-Americans checked the “black” box on the 2010 census. “I’m darker than Obama.  I think that qualifies me as black,” said Big Jimmy Forsatella of Bayonne.

Meanwhile, Asians are also checking “white”  box.   Native Americans are checking the “black” box.  “There is no yellow or green or  purple skin pigment,” Jay Carney reportedly told reporters.  “White is not white.  And black is not black.”

Carney went to say that even declaring yourself as “white” or “black” can be discriminatory.  SO, the Obama Administration said that it will now be up to the individual to declare if they are “white” or “black”.     “Skin color is only one way to tell if you are black or white,” said Vice President Joe Biden.  “You could be white on the outside and black on the  inside.  Or black on the outside and white on the inside.”

Biden then declared that he considers himself “black.”

So, there you go.  Black and white is no longer black and white.  And, officially now, all Hispanics are white!!

Ay caramba!

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has officially renamed the U.S. Government of the U.S. Federal Family.

President Barack Obama issued and Executive Order today that officially changes the name “U.S. Government” to “U.S. Federal Family.”

“President Obama feels that the term ‘government’ has taken on a bad connotation in the last decade, because of bad policies by previous administrations,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carny.  The government takes care of many of our citizens and we want the country to think of the government in a positive light.  That’s what the U.S. is now a ‘Federal Family’ rather than a ‘government’.  It’s much more positive and will make all Americans feel good about Washington.”

The phrase was repeatedly used this weekend in the “Federal Family’s” response to Hurricane Irene.

Here’ an example from an official FEMA document issued last Friday.

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

“The G-word, “government,”  has been nearly banished from all agencies,” said Nancy Pelosi, the minority leader of the House.  “The Republicans have made the G-word into something that upsets Americans.  Democrats want to make America great again, and the first step is to get rid of that ugly word.”

Professors around the country agree. “’Government’ is such a dirty word right now,” says Florida State University communication professor Davis Houck. “Part of what the federal government does and any elected official does is change the terms of the language game into terms that are favorable to them.”

“Family” can evoke favorable thoughts of motherhood and security, “says Nancy Pelosi.

In “the family” here is crazy Uncle Harry and wacky Aunt Nancy:

And here’s Papa:

The phrase “federal family” has been used before – in the 1930s, under President Franklin Roosevelt.

A Google search shows the phrase appearing 10 times on FEMA’s website during the Bush years. Since Obama took office, “federal family” has turned up 118 times on fema.gov, including 50 Irene-related references.

Among them: statements that the Obama administration “is committed to bringing all of the resources of the federal family to bear” for storm assistance and that “the entire federal family continues to lean forward to support the states in their ongoing response efforts.”

Republicans were quick to respond.  “This is another outrageous attempt by the Obama administration to manipulate language to control Americans,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Boehner doubts that “Federa Family” will give the public a warm and fuzzy view of Washington.

“Will it create jobs?” Boehner asked rhetorically. “Hell no, it won’t!!”

“We really like the new label,” said Senator Harry Reid.  “People will have a hard time believing that your ‘family’ would to anything to harm you.  I think this will be a major step in bringing America back to greatness.

Make sure you pay your taxes to your Federal Family next April 15th – or you will be spanked!!

WASHINGTON – The White House is pushing through a bill that will give Affirmative Action benefits to ugly people.

The Obama Administration has felt for a long time that ugly people are facing discrimination in all sectors of the United States – jobs, college, healthcare etc.

The Administration first looked at amending”ugly” to the definition of “disabilities” under the American’ With Disabilities Act (ADA), but they figured it would take too long to enact.

Now, they are just going to declare “ugly people” to be an official minority that should be protected under Affirmative Action laws.

Republicans were quick to point out that “ugly people” might actually be in the “majority” – and felt certainly that to be the case in terms of the RNC (and the DNC).

The White House pointed to a study that showed that an American worker who was among the bottom one-seventh in looks, as assessed by randomly chosen observers, earned 10 to 15 percent less per year than a similar worker whose looks were assessed in the top one-third — a lifetime difference, in a typical case, of about $230,000.

The Administration said that “for purposes of administering the law, “ugly” is defined as the bottom 1-2 percent of  “ugly people” in the United States.

The difficulties in classification are little greater than those faced in deciding who qualifies for protection on grounds of disabilities that limit the activities of daily life, as shown by conflicting decisions in numerous legal cases involving obesity.

The White House responded:  “You know it when you see it.”

There are other objections. “Ugliness” is not a personal trait that many people choose to embrace; those whom we classify as protected might not be willing to admit that they are ugly. But with the chance of obtaining extra pay and promotions amounting to $230,000 in lost lifetime earnings, there’s a large enough incentive to do so. Bringing anti-discrimination lawsuits is also costly, and few potential plaintiffs could afford to do so. But many attorneys would be willing to organize classes of plaintiffs to overcome these costs, just as they now do in racial-discrimination and other lawsuits.

Short people, bald people, cross-eyed people and people with “bad hair” are all applying for Affirmative Action protection as well.

In the meantime, if you think you are ugly – call the government and… get protected!

LONDON – Jonnie Marbles, the man who attacked Rupert Murdoch, revealed he is an American spy.

Jonnie Marbles was beaten by Rupert Murdoch’s wife, Wendi Deng, at the hearing held in front of British MPs.

Marbles was then rolled out of the hearing room and put into a sack after he smashed a marble cheesecake into Rupert Murdoch’s face.  Wendi Deng rushed out of the hearing room and continued to beat Marbles senseless.  Deng also smashed a pumpkin pie into Marbles face.

Marbles was taken to Scotland Yard where he was grilled by detectives for over an hour.  He talked about his deep love for Rupert Murdoch and that he merely wanted to give Murdoch some pie.  “I slipped and lost my balance.  His face was in the wrong place and he got hit with the pie.  I never wanted that to happen.  I love Rupert.  I really love him.”

WWN, however, can confirm that Eric Holder had hired Marbles, a popular British comedian (and expert pie thrower), to infiltrate the hearing and attack Murdoch.  A CIA insider told WWN, “The pie was a distraction.  What Marbles actually did was implant a brain chip into Murdoch’s skull. The chip will be controlled by the White House.”

When Marbles was taken out of the interrogation room and into a holding cell – Wendi Deng came bursting into the room and pummeled him again.  “She was like one of Charlie’s Angels.  She was kicking and punching like a pro.  She’s got a  bright future in the UFC,” said Scotland Yard detective, Ian Frum.

Wendi Deng has challenged Marbles to a cage match next month.

The CIA is unlikely to let Marbles take part in the event, though he will be baking cheesecakes for the agents at next month’s CIA picnic.

SAN ANTONIO -  Rumors are spreading that President Obama ordered fires set in Texas.  He’s had enough of The Lone Star State!

Rumors are spreading across the internet that President Obama ordered the U.S. Military to set fires across Texas.  The Obama Administration has very little support in Texas and he wanted to “teach them a lesson.”

This came on the heals of an interview with a Dallas reporter.  President Obama met with a senior political reporter for WFAA, Brad Watson, sat down with President Barack Obama to discuss things like the economy, immigration and the president’s approval rating.

Watson asked the President some tough questions, and the President got snippy, telling Watson, “next time let me finish my answers.”

President Obama reportedly stormed into The Oval Office, slammed doors and punched walls, then ordered the military to “start burning Texas.”   Military commanders objected, but the President was firm.  “I lost that state by almost 11 percent of the vote.   We need to send them a message, that’s not going to fly in 2012!’

Massive wildfires have already burned an estimated 1.5 million acres of tinder-like brush and grasslands, most of that since the President was asked a tough question by Watson.

Some 220 homes in all have been lost, according to a letter released on Sunday from Perry to President Barack Obama requesting a federal disaster declaration.

“As wildfires continue to rage across our state, Texas is reaching its capacity to respond to these emergencies and is in need of federal assistance,” the governor said in a statement.

President Obama, however, will not be sending Texas any federal aid.  “Until they change their voting ways, I say… burn, baby, burn!!”

Here’s the interview that started the fires:

CAIRO, Egypt – Scientists plan to resurrect King Tutankhamen to lead Egypt out of oppression.

With Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak barely being able to hold onto his thirty year regain of power, new potential presidential candidates are beginning to surface everywhere.

It appears unlikely that President Mubarak’s son Gamal Mubarak will be brought into power as many assumed would be the case; this mainly being due to the recent appointment of Omar Suleiman as Vice President. The Obama administration has been urging Mubarak to step down and allow Vice President Suleiman to oversee a military-backed transitional government until the election scheduled for this September.

The appointment of Mubarak as Vice President and the push from the Obama administration has not deterred other potential candidates from coming forward throughout Egypt. The head of the Arab League, Amr Moussa; founder of the Ghad (Tomorrow) party Ayman Nour; and Hamdin Sabahi of the unlicensed Karama (Dignity) party are among some of the leading contenders, but the most fascinating proposed candidate of all is the mummy of ancient Egyptian ruler King Tutankhamen.

Scientists at the Center for Human Reanimation, Incarnation and Stem-cell Technology, have begun using DNA samples from the mummy in order to reanimate the famous pharaoh. The biggest challenge for the scientists on the team is finding specific biometric identifiers of the ancient ruler.  The center is funded largely in part by the Muslim Brotherhood who has been remarkably quiet throughout the recent uprisings in Egypt. Many speculate that they have been keeping under the radar due to their involvement with the project.

“We have been very fortunate that the young ruler was preserved so well. We are just being very fastidious before claiming to have found the exact DNA sequence needed to reanimate the former leader,” said Srhahhm Lahedh, chief scientist working on the project.

Some religious leaders who have caught wind of the project are extremely concerned about what the scientists are doing, however.

“The dead are dead for a reason. God takes us when he feels that our time on earth is over. It is not the place of man to alter God’s will. Plus, will Tut still not have the same polytheological system of beliefs of his day. This faith could be catastrophic should he come to power.”

Weekly World News was able to acquire this statement form the Muslim Brotherhood with respect to their decision to resurrect the ancient ruler.

“Although King Tutankhamen was young and perhaps somewhat naïve when he ruled in ancient times, he has had over 3,000 years to think about the mistakes that he may have made. He was for ancient Egypt what JFK was for the United States in the 1960s. We are sure that he will be an excellent president.”

With elections still currently set for September of this year the Muslim Brotherhood feels confident that they will have King Tut fully animated and acclimated to 21^st century culture in time for the elections.

LANGLEY, VA -  The CIA has purchased a large fleet of Google Driverless Cars.

WWN has reporters embedded inside the offices of the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, Virginia and can confirm that the CIA has made a large purchase of Google Driverless Cars – equipped with spy satellites and phone-tapping equipment – to be used in the United States.

WWN spoke off the record with high-ranking CIA officials who said that the Google Cars – which they consider the greatest invention of the last hundred years – will bring spying to a new level.  “Of course, we will use them in Europe, Africa, the Middle East and Asia, but we need to them immediately in the United States so that we can gather data about American citizens who are working against the will of President Obama and the Congress of the United States.”

Google recently unveiled its driverless cars after logging over 140,000 miles of testing. The technology is no longer cost prohibitive… and it will have a huge impact on the technology of traveling.

Google first developed the car for personal use because the human element is without a doubt the least predictable and most common cause of accidents. Excessive speed, distracted driving, and just plain old lack of common sense lead to more accidents than vehicular failure. Remove the human element, and replace it with a computer that can process road conditions, speed, other cars, and a million other bits of information… and you have something groundbreaking.

The Google cars use computer A.I., cameras, lasers, and GPS devices to figure out where to go, how fast to go, and where other cars are. So far Google says there has been just one accident from its fleet of  cars… when somebody else rear-ended a Google driverless car.

The C.I.A.  says the Google Cars will drive down American streets – unmanned  – and gather data on the nefarious activity of all citizens.  This data will be cross-referenced with the search data that Google is also collecting – if need be.

Google, however, does NOT have a deal to share information from its users with the CIA.  “They have to put the pieces of the puzzle together on their own.  We have tools that they can use, but we honor the privacy of all our users,” said Google’s CIO, William Bracken.

The CIA would not officially confirm or deny whether they purchased the cars, nor would they confirm or deny if they exist or not.  The CIA would not confirm or deny whether there is a sun in the sky or if there are 24 hours in the day.  The CIA would confirm that Frank Lake’s VISA card # is 45456667679090127.

Soon there will hundreds of unmanned Google Cars patrolling the streets of America.  Keeping us safe!!

WASHINGTON -  The Obama Administration confirmed tonight that Osama Bin Laden is in the C.I.A.

Fidel Castro, the aging Cuban revolutionary claimed today that Osama bin Laden is in the pay of the CIA and that President George Bush  called upon the al-Qaida leader whenever he needed to increase the fear quotient in America.

The former Cuban president said he knows it because he read it on WikiLeaks.

The Obama Administration swiftly responded. Rahm Emanuel said, “President Obama is having ice cream with his family.  He’ll get back to you on that on next Tuesday.  And yes, he likes vanilla and chocolate.”

But Defense Secretary William Gates spoke with reporters and said, “Oh well, Fidel let the rat out of the bag.  Osama bin Laden did work for the C.I.A. back in the early 1990s.  He was an agent working out of Saudi Arabia.  But we haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t picked up his monthly check in over fifteen years.”

Gates also confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was in the Washington D.C. the night that George Bush told reporters at the Pentagon that he wanted to bring Osama Bin Laden in “dead or alive.”

Gates denied, however, that the thousands of pages of American classified documents made public by WikiLeaks pointed to who the al-Qaida leader as C.I.A. as Fidel Castro claims.  “I don’t think Fidel could read one page, let alone thousands of pages at this point.”

It is possible that Osama Bin Laden – as a C.I.A  Agent will capture himself and collect the $25 million dollar reward.   It’s not clear whether Osama would bring himself in – dead or alive.

In other related news, Fidel Castro also told a Lithuanian reporter that he felt that humans would have to live on Mars by 2030.  “This planet is going to burn up in the next ten years.”   When asked how he thought humans would get to Mars, Castro said, “The Cuban Mothership.”  He added that there would only be room for Cubans, Russians, Venezuelans and North Koreans on the ship. “Sorry, Americans, you’re not invited.”

“Al Gore isn’t invited either,” said Castro.

Here’s a short bio of of the C.I.A. agent: