ATHENS, GA – Kim Jong Il has been sighted at a record store in Athens, Georgia.

North Korea’s formerly deceased communist dictator was seen perusing used records at Wuxtry, the same store where the band R.E.M. was formed

Notably absent from the public eye for months, Kim Jong Il has been recently been spotted in small towns throughout the American heartland. North Korean officials deny these claims, sating “Preposterous! Our Glorious Leader is dead, working tirelessly for the people from the afterlife.”

Here he is relaxing in his Georgia apartment:

Although attempting to blend in, Kim Jong Il attracted unwanted attention when he began happily singing along to Dave Matthews’ “Under the Table and Dreaming” at a listening station.

After nearly two hours of careful consideration he left the store with albums by Tom Waits, Neutral Milk Hotel, and Johnny Cash on vinyl. Before leaving he picked up a flier for a house party at the nearby University of Georgia. Investigation has yet to conclude whether the communist leader attended the kegger.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA -  State media declared last night that Kim Jong-il is dead… killed by the hands of  Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has had quite a year – he killed Osama Bin Laden AND Muammar Gaddafi, he last night he snuck into North Korea and killed Dear Leader Kim Jong II.

Kim Jong Il, North Korea’s mercurial and enigmatic longtime leader, was 69.

In a “special broadcast” Monday from the North Korean capital, state media said Kim died of a heart ailment on a train due to a “great mental and physical strain” on Dec. 17 during a “high intensity field inspection.”

But WWN learned from sources inside North Korea that an autopsy done on Dec. 18  “fully confirmed” that Kim Jong-il died from a single knife wound to the heart.

How do they know it was Chuck Norris who stabbed Kim Jong II?

“Authorities found the knife that killed Kim Jong-il in his room.  On the knife were fingerprints matched to Chuck Norris,” a North Korean source told WWN.

Kim is believed to have suffered a stroke in 2008, but he had appeared relatively vigorous in photos and video from recent trips to China and Russia and in numerous trips around the country carefully documented by state media. The communist country’s “Dear Leader” – reputed to have had a taste for cigars, cognac and gourmet cuisine – was believed to have had diabetes and heart disease.

But, he was always accompanied with the best doctors in North Korea and was taking medication to deal with both his diabetes and heart disease – so there was no reason that he should pass away so suddenly.

President Obama had no comment on Kim Jong death, but sources inside the White House told WWN that Norris was on a Black Ops mission, working with Navy Seals.  “The President wanted to get Kim Jong before the end of 2011.  He wanted to complete the evil dictator trifecta,” the source said.

A White House spokesperson told WWN that President Obama feels that he is the greatest president in the history of the United States in terms of dealing with dictators.  “President Obama wanted to rid the world of evil and now he has done so… with the help of Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris was also not available for comment, and his publicist is denying any involvement by Norris in the murder of Kim Jong II.  But WWN has confirmed with multiple sources – Chuck Norris killed Kim Jong II.

“It is the biggest loss for the party … and it is our people and nation’s biggest sadness,” an anchorwoman clad in black Korean traditional dress said in a voice choked with tears. She said the nation must “change our sadness to strength and overcome our difficulties.”

The news came as North Korea prepared for a hereditary succession. Kim Jong Il inherited power after his father, revered North Korean founder Kim Il Sung, died in 1994.

Chuck Norris reportedly parachuted into North Korea, ran through Dear Leader’s private residence, quickly found and identified the North Korean leader and stabbed him in the heart.

“He was gone before anyone even knew he was there,” said a source close to the Black Ops mission.  “Nobody could have done what Chuck Norris did.  He’s an American hero.”

On the way out of the compound, Norris was confronted by ten North Korean guards.   Norris reportedly used all his martial arts technique – and his AK-47 – to wipe out the guards.  He then ran to the top of the building and grabbed hold of a ladder attache to a rescue helicopter.

“It was a precision operation and Norris executed the plan perfectly,” said a source close to the Navy Seals.

Dear Leader has been able to control an entire nation -  a nation that fears him.  But Chuck Norris is not afraid of anything.  Chuck Norris is a God.    Who will Chuck Norris get next?

Here’s how Norris usually takes on many bad guys at once:

AUAYAN, Philippines – The strongest cyclone in years hit the Philippines on Monday.

A super typhoon hit the Philippines killing at least three people Monday, leaving a wasteland of fallen trees and power poles and sending thousands scampering to safety in near-zero visibility.

A retired general said bracing for the onslaught meant that they had to prepare for war – with North Korea

Super Typhoon Megi, blew across the northern Philippines, and was heading for China and Vietnam.  Leaders of all three countries believe that the North Koreans, who have been experimenting with climate manipulation, are responsible for the typhoon.

Strong currents on Vietnam’s flooded main highway swept away a bus and  of its passengers, including a boy pulled from his mother’s grasp. In China, authorities evacuated 140,000 people from a coastal province ahead of the typhoon.

The North Koreans have denied causing the typhoon, though the new leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Un said in a statement to reporters last week, “I want to cause a major typhoon in China and Vietnam and especially in The Philippines.”

WASHINGTON -  The Obama Administration confirmed tonight that Osama Bin Laden is in the C.I.A.

Fidel Castro, the aging Cuban revolutionary claimed today that Osama bin Laden is in the pay of the CIA and that President George Bush  called upon the al-Qaida leader whenever he needed to increase the fear quotient in America.

The former Cuban president said he knows it because he read it on WikiLeaks.

The Obama Administration swiftly responded. Rahm Emanuel said, “President Obama is having ice cream with his family.  He’ll get back to you on that on next Tuesday.  And yes, he likes vanilla and chocolate.”

But Defense Secretary William Gates spoke with reporters and said, “Oh well, Fidel let the rat out of the bag.  Osama bin Laden did work for the C.I.A. back in the early 1990s.  He was an agent working out of Saudi Arabia.  But we haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t picked up his monthly check in over fifteen years.”

Gates also confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was in the Washington D.C. the night that George Bush told reporters at the Pentagon that he wanted to bring Osama Bin Laden in “dead or alive.”

Gates denied, however, that the thousands of pages of American classified documents made public by WikiLeaks pointed to who the al-Qaida leader as C.I.A. as Fidel Castro claims.  “I don’t think Fidel could read one page, let alone thousands of pages at this point.”

It is possible that Osama Bin Laden – as a C.I.A  Agent will capture himself and collect the $25 million dollar reward.   It’s not clear whether Osama would bring himself in – dead or alive.

In other related news, Fidel Castro also told a Lithuanian reporter that he felt that humans would have to live on Mars by 2030.  “This planet is going to burn up in the next ten years.”   When asked how he thought humans would get to Mars, Castro said, “The Cuban Mothership.”  He added that there would only be room for Cubans, Russians, Venezuelans and North Koreans on the ship. “Sorry, Americans, you’re not invited.”

“Al Gore isn’t invited either,” said Castro.

Here’s a short bio of of the C.I.A. agent:

PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.

Military analysts and State Department officials have determined that North Korean is responsible for tainted eggs found all across American.  Kim Jong-il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,  confirmed this when he said, “We will destroy your eggs and then we will come after your chickens.  Or maybe the chickens will come first. We don’t know.  But either way, we win and you lose.!”

A massive egg recall has had consumers scrambling to check their pantries for eggs that might be contaminated with salmonella. Even though the FDA recalled 228 million eggs produced in Galt, Iowa  (and distributed to wholesalers and food service companies nationwide), it felt that there was something more sinister going on with the eggs.

“We knew there was something funny going on when we noticed that the eggs had little Korean flags printed on them.”  Farmers in Iowa can’t explain how the North Koreans got the eggs into their facilities, but one farmer, Ned Woolfe said, “I told my wife I saw a battalion of Korean army soldiers in the barn, but she didn’t believe me.  She never believes me.”

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made an announcement today, “North Korea has violated our Egg Space.  We condemn these actions and ask that the North Koreans immediately withdraw their eggs.”  Asked how she thought the North Koreans could take their eggs back, Clinton said, “That’s their problem.  All I know is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

The North Koreans aren’t backing down and are now threatening to expand their attack on American ovoids.  “They are not satisfied with simply spoiling our eggs, they are now going after our egg whites as well.  “We’ve found traces of salmonella in cartons of Egg Beaters,” said FDA chief, Fritz Barnkopf.

The White House Staff has gathered in gathered into the Oval Office to war game the North Korean Egg Crisis, but David Axelrod said they hadn’t reached any conclusion. “They only thing we’ve decided conclusively is that it’s really hard to war game when the President is up in Martha’s Vineyard golfing and reading.”  Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President is being briefed hourly about The North Korean Egg Crisis and said the President has taken swift action already.  “He’s ate oatmeal for breakfast.”

The Weekly World News will crack this Korean egg mystery.  All our eggs are in this story basket.

NEW YORK, NY – Justin Bieber mania knows no bounds and is filtering into every corner of the globe!

Justin Bieber has been pranked and the end result was an interesting one. Bieber mania has gripped the globe and the pop star is a hot commodity anywhere he goes. Even North Korea, a highly reclusive country, would enjoy having Bieber mania grip the country – according to one group of pranksters.

An online contest to decide where Bieber should go on tour next was hijacked by a Web prank group that was encouraging voters to send him to North Korea. Bieber’s My World Tour website has Communist North Korea leading the online poll. Bieber placed no limits and that was the green light for the Web-based pranksters to strike.

The users of the website 4chan – an influential Internet subculture – made sure North Korea received over a half million votes, launching it from 24th place to 1st place. If nothing changes before the contest wraps up on July 7, it will make North Korea the winner.

The fact that North Korea is winning is highly ironic given that almost no one in the country is allowed on the Internet and the country’s restrictive media probably doesn’t give Bieber much coverage.

Regardless of the outcome, North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Il and Bieber’s tour manager will already be in agreeance that the pop star won’t be making any trips to the communist country.

LOS ANGELES – Bill Clinton returns to the US with freed North Korean prisoners.  Weekly World News has acquired a transcript of his exchange with Kim Jong Il.

This morning former President Bill Clinton returned on a plane with two American journalists who had been taken prisoner for entering North Korea illegally.  Their release was brokered by Clinton in a private meeting he had with the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

Last week Bill Clinton took it upon himself to fly to North Korea without the blessing of the White House or Washington DC.  Flying into Pyonyang the President met with Kim Jong Il to broker the release of the two American prisoners.

Kim Jong Il was pleased to meet with the former President, and was ready to turn the situation to his advantage.  Clinton was briefed by intelligence about Jong Ils interests and pastimes.  The two first made small talk in one of the royal palaces.  Then Jong Il showed Clinton through his personal library of music memorabilia.  Contained within the collection are first editions of Beatles albums, the coin tossed to put Ritchie Vallens on his fatal flight with Buddy Holly, and a mason jar filled with the soul of Robert Johnson.

Seeing an advantage Clinton offered some rare Elvis memorabilia in exchange for the journalists.  Secret Service agents produced the last sequined jumpsuit ever worn by The King in concert.  Then they produced an identical replica Clinton had made before leaving, which was fit to Kim Jong Ils measurements.  Jong Il was very pleased at this offering.  To further sweeten the deal, and to get Jong Ils promise to renew discussions on nuclear weapons, Clinton even threw in rare photographs of Elvis during his first black belt Karate test.  These are some of the only known photographs to show a fully grown Elvis being thrown around like a rag doll.

Within hours Clinton was on a plane with the two released journalists.  He and the two young ladies were said to enjoy the ride on his private jet, which is the only Former Presidential jet to be equipped with its own dance floor.

Kim Jong Il is said to still be running through his palatial home, wearing his Elvis replica jumpsuit and practicing Karate.

I’m madder than Paula Jones with a leaky implant!

Leave it to Bill Clinton to travel thousands of miles just to meet two young chicks who can’t get away!

I guess being married to Hillary has to be pretty bad if it makes a fella wanna fly to North Korea! Hell, they had to draft me to get me over there, and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty!

Even I’ll admit it: it’s great that Clinton got those two lady reporters out of the clutches of that creepy little weirdo who runs the place. Who knows what crazy stuff that Kim Ding Dong might have had in store for them? I’m pretty sure that ugly mutt can only get girlfriends if he grabs them off the side of the road and keeps them in a dungeon.

I figure Clinton talked Kim Ding Dong into handing the ladies over to him, in exchange for tips on how to score with chicks!

But here’s what I don’t understand: one of those lady reporters works for Al Gore, at his stupid TV channel nobody watches. So why didn’t Gore, Mr. Nobel Peace Prize, go over to rescue his own employee himself?

Back in the good old days, Ross Perot paid out of his own pocket to get an old Special Forces colonel to rescue a couple of his workers from the crazy Iranians. But Al Gore, even though he’s just as rich and powerful, couldn’t drag himself away from his open (environmentally friendly) fridge to do the same thing?

Anyway, it’s a pretty sorry day when old Ed Anger has to congratulate Bill Clinton, but I salute the old horndog for a job well done!

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain wants the US to take a more aggressive stance with North Korea, preferably using a ship that bears his name.

McCain urged the Obama administration on Meet the Press this Sunday to forcibly board a ship sailing from North Korea to Myanmar believed to carry UN contraband missile parts.  He said that the USS John McCain is nearby and ready for the job.

“If the ship needs to be forcibly boarded,” he went on to say, “naval officers can wear masks of my face.  This would have the dual effect of protecting the sailors’ identities and striking fear into the hearts of their enemies.”

He continued saying that the elevated tension between North Korea and the rest of the world was highly unfortunate.  John McCain offered to settle the dispute once and for all by challenging Kim Jong Il to a one-on-one Kumate style duel to the death.  To keep the fight fair and the results clear, he said it would be preferable if the duel was broadcast live on pay-per-view.

No official response has come from Pyonyang regarding McCain’s challenge to a duel.  However inside sources confirm that McCain did receive a signed copy of Kim Jong Il’s album “Lonely Mount Piktu Rambler.”

The Obama administration has insisted that it will remain vigilant of the North Korean ship, but hostile boarding will not be necessary.  John McCain maintains that he, ships bearing his name, and soldiers bearing his likeness, should be used to protect the country.

UPDATE: It has leaked that North Korea may fire a missile at Hawaii in early July. Is this the beginning of their invasion?

Japanese newspapers are reporting that North Korea may launch a Taepodong-2, with a range of up to 4,000 miles, from North Korea’s Dongchang-ni site on the northwestern coast. It would occur between July 4 and July 8.

This would probably be only a scare tactic, as the missile’s capable distance is 500 miles too short to reach the Hawaiian islands. However, South Korea would be easily reachable, and the launch may scare South Koreans into defecting, as laid out in proposed scheme below.

Will North Korea actually begin their crazy plan to take the United States?

June 12, 2009
PYONGYANG – Crafty dictator Kim Jong Il plans to conquer the United States of America in three easy steps without launching a single missile.

An although the scheme may sound absurd, it’s so crazy it just might work!

That is the chilling warning of a Japanese computer-science whiz who downloaded the detailed 42-page plan, complete with maps and timetables, after hacking into the North Korean spy agency – known officially as the Liaison Bureau of the Korean Workers Party – in early May.

The University of Tokyo grad student says he decided to expose the plan in Weekly World News only after his efforts to reveal them were squashed by the White House and mainstream U.S. publications.

“President Obama is trying to keep the focus on peaceful talks, but this seemingly preposterous threat is very real,” says the hacker, who identified himself only by his first name, Hiroshi, in an exclusive WWN interview.

“Kim Jong Il is crazy like a fox. He knows that in a nuclear confrontation with the U.S., he’d be creamed. That’s why he’s distracting us with his empty threats while going low-tech and attacking America by the last means anyone would expected – with boats.”

Here, according to the hacker, is the bizarre North Korean scheme:

PHASE ONE: “OPERATION ALOHA”

While U.S. troops are busy subduing Iraq, North Korea takes advantage of the situation by declaring that unless South Korea agrees to immediate reunification, it will launch a nuclear strike.

Terrified refugees fearing a nuclear holocaust on the Korean peninsula flee in flimsy wooden sailboats known as junks. Thousands of boats, packed to capacity, converge on the Hawaiian islands.

For humanitarian reasons, the U.S. Navy stops try to curtail the wave after the first hundred boatloads of ragged refugees. But the rest are packed with 800,000 well-armed North Korean troops who swarm out of the junks and seize control of Hawaii in a well-timed operation known as K-Day.

Within a matter of hours, America is down to just 49 states and North Korea has its first colony.