MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Al Franken was approved Tuesday to join the US Senate.  The Democratic Party will now involve him in their secret plans.

The Minnesota Supreme Court ratified Al Franken yesterday as having won the Senatorial election seven months ago.  Incumbent Norm Coleman, having exhausted all legal channels except for the Minnesota Thunderdome, finally conceded the race, saying only, “Next time Franken.  Next time.”  The Democrats welcomed Franken into their upper echelons of power with a decoder ring and other perks.

In a private ceremony involving robes and jasmine scented aromatherapy candles, Franken was sworn in as a Democrat with his right hand placed on the original hand-written Communist Manifesto, and standing atop a Bible.  While waving olive branches, the assembled Democrats watched as Nancy Pelosi branded him with the words “Peace at Any Cost.”

Now Al Franken will have all the perks of the upper echelons of the Democratic Party.  He will have access to the Democrat Library, which includes all the war plans of Jimmy Carter and the actual Kenyan birth certificate of Barack Obama.  He also received a Democrat Decoder Ring, which also gives him a 20% discount at Pottery Barn.

As a Senator, Franken will now be instrumental to the Democratic Party.  His presence grants them a filibuster-proof “Super-Majority.”  Franken’s win in the Minnesota Courts places the Democrats even closer to pushing through strong reforms they’ve been looking forward, to like European-style Socialism, sex education in kindergarten and mandatory gay marriage.

When asked for comment, Franken said, “I’m glad that my presence will help turn America into what it needs to be: Europe.”

ANCHORAGE, AK – Ted Stevens International Airport closed this weekend due to volcanic ash.  Former Senator Ted Stevens believes it’s all part of a liberal conspiracy.

Mount Redoubt in Alaska erupted last week.  No deaths were reported, but Ted Stevens International in Anchorage had to close and several GOP members were seriously inconvenienced.  Former Senator Ted Stevens claims that it is a liberal conspiracy against his airport and other prominent Republicans.

Stevens believes that, like his several felony corruption charges, the volcanoes explosion was arranged by Liberals to smear his good name.   Bobby Jindal, the Governor of Louisiana, was left with egg on his face since only weeks ago he nationally criticized Democrat spending on ‘Volcano Monitoring.’  Governor Jindal was so embarrassed he needed warm glasses of milk and his favorite footie-pajamas every night this week.

Other Republicans inconvenienced by the eruption included Norm Coleman.  Due to the volcano’s eruption, he was forced to spend an extra two days with the girlfriend he had just broken up with during their Alaska cruise.

The Strom Thurman Memorial Leadership Retreat was engaging in trust exercises at the base of Mount Redoubt.  Once the rumbling started the group turned on each other, scrambling to get back to the vans.  No injuries were sustained from the eruption, but several of the members were later admitted to hospitals for bites, twisted ankles, asphalt burn, one minor heart attack from running 25 yards, and one man who suffered frostbite while riding back to town on the hood of the vehicle.

Stevens held a conference this weekend explaining his beliefs.  Due to the airport being closed only 4 people attended, and they were homeless people taking advantage of the complimentary bagels.

He claims that the Liberal Democrats, in conjunction with the Weather Channel, organized for the volcano to explode.  The Democrats in Congress sent a detachment of Imperial Guards to set up explosives, making the volcano erupt.  Then Al Gore, who secretly runs the Weather Channel to help pull off his ‘Climate Change’ hoax, covered it up as a ‘natural phenomena.’  All this so he and other Republicans would lose face.

Fox News has agreed to give Stevens an hour and half special to expose this and other Democratic conspiracies.

Stevens International Airport opened again on Sunday, thanks to the former Senator spending most of the day shoveling away ash himself.

WASHINGTON, DC – After both parties were denied their rightful entry, Obatma and Roland Burris bonded over their rejection.

As previously reported, Obatma was turned away by hotel security from seeing his half-brother, President-Elect Barack Obama. Hotel representatives will not talk about it, but it is assumed that this was due to discrimination of Obatma’s mutant nature.

After hearing about Burris’ well-publicized refusal at the Senate, Obatma decided to lend a sympathetic pointy ear to his fellow rejectee.

Burris and Obatma were seen buying cartons of ice cream and boxes of breakfast cereal at a local grocery store, before heading to Norm Coleman’s Washington apartment to eat their feelings.

Former Senator Coleman, currently in the capital to empty out his Senate office, said, “I know how it feels to be shot down when it’s unwarranted. I mean, especially when it’s completely unfair, something you were legally awarded and then had stolen right out from under you in a totally arbitrary pro-”

Coleman then began to tear up and asked the reporter to leave.

He is expected to join Burris and Obatma at the pity party later this evening, where they will finish off the last of the Haagen-Dazs while crying through Ugly Betty.

ST. PAUL, MN – Minnesotans have turned to schoolyard protocol in a last ditch effort to solve their Senate conundrum.

Following a 2-month recount that has still not determined a winner in the Minnesota Senate race between incumbent Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken, officials have decided on an age-old method to settle the matter – Rock Paper Scissors!

With ballot challenges fluctuating into the thousands, lawsuits being filed by both sides every day, and Minnesota voters unwilling to start the next session of Congress with incomplete representation, election officials have had a very difficult task before them.

Secretary of State Mark Ritchie endorsed the move as weather difficulties prevented the State Canvassing Board from meeting on Monday.

“We now have a concrete, time-tested, voter approved method of ending the debate over this election.  Voters are eager to move on.  They’re eager to start fixing the economy, the environment, foreign relations.  And they’ll do it with whichever Senator wins the battle of Rock Paper Scissors in three throws or less.”

Representatives of the Franken and Coleman campaigns have confirmed that they have agreed on the referee for the match-up.

Former Minnesota Governor and third-party candidate Jesse “The Body” Ventura will act as the referee and oversee that it meets all the rules and regulations of the American Association of Rock Paper Scissors.

“I know some people are worried that I may end up throwing a Rock in the ring at the last minute,” Ventura told reporters.  “But if I wanted that seat, I would have thrown my hat in the ring over the summer.”

“It’ll be a fair match and we’ll have a winner.  No whining, no lawsuits, no appeals.”

Ventura has had to knock some heads after Coleman tried to weasel out of the competition citing carpel tunnel syndrome.

WASHINGTON, DC – Santa Claus has requested a $14 million federal bailout to avoid a crash which could cancel Christmas.

The struggling world economy and increased costs of reindeer feed are cited as reasons why the North Pole is facing its first ever budget crisis.  Santa Claus spoke before Congress this week, requesting a portion of the $700 billion federal bailout fund to make sure Christmas can go ahead as usual.

Some representatives are highly critical of the request.  Jim DeMint (R. S.C) said, “Their business model brings in no income, they just give everything away.  I’m amazed they got this far.”

Mr. Claus spoke before Congress delivering an impassioned plea on behalf of the threatened holiday, asking for a $14 million loan to keep the North Pole afloat through the rest of the season.  He closed by saying “I will pay it back just as quick as I can, cross my heart and hope to diet”, leading the thoroughly charmed Congress in a brief chuckle.

Elf Unions are believed to be the cause of a hold up on a final deal.

Critics say that the United Elvin Workers are responsible for the North Pole’s collapse, demanding lavish wages for its workers.  However, research shows that the average elf gladly works 16 hours a day in exchange for food and shelter.  The last formal complaint made by the union requested five-minute song breaks every hour, extra tinsel allowances and improved handicapped bathroom access.

Congress is expected to hold a special session to iron out details and avoid a holiday crisis.

When asked if he would be using confidential information from his “Naughty List” to sway his opponents, Mr. Claus said “Right now all options are on the table.” Senator Norm Coleman squirmed in his seat.

ST. PAUL, MN – The Lizard People have come forward to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In a much publicized gaffe, a vote was issued for Franken with “Lizard People” in the write-in candidate section.

A representative of the Lizard People, a reptilian humanoid race that lives far below the surface of the earth, has come forward.  At a press conference this morning, he stated that his people wish to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In an electoral battle that has come down to a margin of roughly one dozen, every vote counts.  This vote brings Franken one precious step closer to a razor thin victory.

Attempts by Norm Coleman to have the ballot disqualified for typographical errors were annulled by the state canvassing board.

At the conference Franken said, “This is a good day, not only for human/reptoid relations, but for democracy.”

The Lizard People are issued one collective vote in Minnesota for local and national elections, a practice which dates back to the landmark 1893 case Lizard People vs Minnesota Board of Education. Reptoids were struck from all educational materials in exchange for one vote, mineral rights and several tons of live crickets.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After the presidential election went off without a hitch, many citizens were hoping the Chaos Cloud would vanish. But it isn’t satisfied just yet.

The senate race in Minnesota between Incumbent Senator Norm Coleman and former SNL star Al Franken has become dangerously close. As of Wednesday, there was only a 477 vote difference in the election.

While Coleman is asking Franken to concede, Minnesota law requies a recount for such a small margin. Franken supports the recount and stated, “Let me be clear: Our goal is to ensure that every vote is properly counted.”

It appears the Chaos Cloud has parked himself directly over the recount, to act as a warning against any poll-counting shenanigans. It is widely believed the Cloud does not want any chaos to break out before his final descent to destroy the world in 2014.

We can only hope the Chaos Cloud is not driven to act…