ALABAMA – At a campaign stop in Selma, Newt Gingrich took the stage… then disappeared!

Sources in Alabama say Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, fell into a wormhole, and was heading back to the planet that, some say, he originally came from.

“Newt came him from Planet Boron and it looks like he’s heading back there for a while,” said a campaign adviser to Gingrich.

Some have said before that Newt is living in an alternate reality, but sources close to his campaign say that the public has misinterpreted Gingrich.  “People think he is out of touch with mainstream America, but it’s really not his fault.  He’s from another planet, and has traveled back-and-forth through a wormhole for years.  It has altered his view of the world, but it has not altered his reality.”

Sources in Georgia say that Gingrich was attracted his wife, Callista, because she is also from Planet Boron and that they met while traveling through the wormhole together.

“Callista is a perfect match for Gingrich,” said a friend of Callista’s.  “They understand each other, because they are both from another planet.  They even speak in high-pitched tones that only they can understand.  It’s really cute.”

Gingrich still holds onto hope that he will be President of the United States.  Some alien experts believe that Gingrich didn’t “fall” into the wormhole, but rather was called back to Planet Boron by the elders of the planet, so that they can “smack some sense into him.”

Meanwhile, rumors that Gingrich is pregnant are not true.  Yes, he looks like his carrying an alien baby… but he is not.

ORLANDO, FL – Newt Gingrich declared himself the clear winner of the Florida primary.  

Internal polls by the Gingrich camp show that the former Speaker of the House won the Republican primary in Florida with 43% of the vote.  Romney got 31%, Santorum 14% and Ron Paul received 12%.

The Gingrich camp says that any reports of Romney winning the contest mean that the Romney has committed voter fraud in Florida and used the media to help convince the public that Gingrich did not win.

“Our internal exits polls show that Newt was the clear winner.  Also, many votes were counted by last night and Newt was the clear leader.  The Republican ‘elites’ don’t want Newt to win and they are doing everything – legal and illegal – to ensure that he doesn’t,” said a source close to the Gingrich camp.  ”If Romney is declared the winner, we plan to sue the State of Florida and take it all the way to the Supreme Court.”

“We were dead in June and July,  but we came roaring back,” Gingrich said at a rally  Tuesday morning in Tampa.

The former House speaker, who has pledged to fight on until the GOP convention this summer, faced a tough battle in Florida, but was thrilled that he pulled it off.

“We road a big wave of  enthusiasm to win Florida and we will take it to all the other primaries, then to the convention and then I will defeat Barack Obama and… I will rule the world,” Gingrich reportedly told insiders.

Gingrich reportedly ramped up his negative advertisements last night.  In various ads he called Romney “a crook”, “a thief”, “an embezzler”, “a grave robber”, “a burglar”, “a wife beater”, “a counterfeiter”, and a “bedwetter.”   In one ad Gingrich called Romney “satan incarnate”.

There are seven elections in February, which kicks off with Nevada’s caucuses Saturday. That will be followed by contests next week in Colorado, Minnesota and Maine as well as a non-binding primary in Missouri. A 17-day break will be capped by primaries in Arizona and Michigan on Feb. 28.

The schedule benefits a candidate, like Romney, with deep pockets and a sophisticated ground game able to compete on multiple fronts at once. Gingrich, who failed to even get on the ballot in his home state of Virginia for the March 6 Super Tuesday primary, plans to “destroy” Romney in all those states.

WWN tried to contact the Republican Party in Florida to confirm Gingrich’s claim to victory, but they did not return our calls.   There are insiders in Florida, however, that told WWN that this was another “hanging chad” election.

What is truth in Florida? Hmmm…

McLEAN, VA. – A Virginia woman was arrested for breastfeeding her one-month old son near the home of the G.O.P. Presidential hopeful.

After speculation that Callista Gingrich made the 911 call to report the breastfeeding woman, the former Speaker’s wife explained her reasoning at a news conference. “Yes, I made the call. I spoke up on behalf of my family and Newt’s campaign. We support the McLean Police Department’s aggressive stance on public indecency and the decision to arrest Ms. Valentine. This is a family neighborhood filled with hard-working American people. We stand together as a community. We will not allow people like this to infiltrate. We are trying to rebuild the America we love, and there is no room for obscenity.”

First-time mother Sherry Valentine was charged with indecent exposure and child endangerment for allegedly pulling over to feed her son. Valentine claims she couldn’t calm the baby because she was driving. She stopped the car on what she called “a quiet street” and sat on a seat in a park gazebo, just a few blocks from the Gingrich home.

Ms. Gingrich happened upon the scene as she returned from a campaign event celebrating her husband’s South Carolina primary victory. It is unclear where Valentine and her newborn live, but neighborhood association sources confirm, “they’re not from around here. “

When answering questions from reporters, Gingrich continued, “It’s inappropriate, really. People need to take care of these situations in private. Some secrets should remain behind closed doors.”

DALLAS, TX -  Governor  Rick Perry dropped out of the Presidential race today and threw his support to Newt Gingrich and open marriage.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has  abandoned his presidential bid and has thrown his support behind Newt Gingrich.

Perry is dropping out on the same day, Gingrich’s ex-wife, Marianne, is trashing her former husband and saying he does not have the “moral character” to be President.  In her first television interview since the 1999 divorce, to be broadcast tonight on Nightline, Marianne Gingrich, a self-described conservative Republican, said she is coming forward now so voters can know what she knows about Gingrich.

Rick Perry learned about Marianne’s charges that Newt wanted an open marriage and the Texas governor reportedly said, “I back Newt one hundred percent.  He’s not perfect.  None of us is perfect.  But this open marriage idea, well,  I think that’s a darn good one.  I supported in Texas and I will support Newt when he votes for it when he is President.”  Perry followed up his comment with, “Oops.”

Rick Perry is the third Republican candidate to suspend their presidential campaign in the primary season after Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann and Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman. Businessman Herman Cain dropped out in December last year  Perry is expected endorse former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Rick Perry entered the campaign in August and was almost immediately touted as the frontrunner, surpassing veteran campaigner Mitt Romney. Perry, who has served an unprecedented 11 years in office as Governor of Texas, was seen as a candidate appealing to religious conservatives, doubtful of Romney’s uncertain stance on some key issues.

However by Fall, Perry was making one blunder after another.  During one debate between Republican contenders, he managed to forget the name of one of three federal departments he wanted to get rid of. The only word he could utter was “oops” leading many political pundits to dub the episode the “Oops moment.”

Calista also supports Rick and his support for Newt and open marriage.

Oh, those crazy Republicans… gotta love ‘em.

NEVADA – Prostitutes in Nevada are campaigning for Ron Paul and they are holding fundraising events at the Bunny Ranch.

Prostitutes at Nevada’s famed legal brothel, the “Bunny Ranch,” are endorsing GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul in the hopes that the Libertarian candidate will advance the push for legalized prostitution nationwide. To this end, Bunny Ranch staff have created a “Pimpin’ for Paul” program in which their male customers can donate money to the Paul campaign, in addition to the fee for, well, services rendered.

Here’s Brooke Taylor, one of Paul’s tireless supporters:

The women, along with their manager, explained why legalized prostitution is far healthier than the black market variety. While they are indeed Americans exercising their freedom to support the primary candidate of their choosing, getting the Paul camp to accept said donations is another story entirely.

Newt Gingrich had lobbied heavily to get the support of  the prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch.  He spent three nights with Wendy Martin (pictured below), trying to earn her support.  Ultimately she decided to back Paul, but Gingrich wasn’t unhappy with her.  In fact, reports are that Gingrich has plans to “visit” her again in the near future.

Watch a few of these Paul supporters share their thoughts:

BREAKING – WWN has learned that Newt Gingrich is going to announce a switch to the Democratic Party and is throwing his support behind Barack Obama.

Republican candidate for President, Newt Gingrich, who has been bashing Mitt Romney, capitalism and the Republican party is set to make a major announcement on Monday, right before the South Carolina primary.

WWN has learned that Newt Gingrich is so disillusioned with the Republican Party and the “rich, white guys” that run the party, that  he is switching allegiances and registering as a Democrat.

Will he challenge Barack Obama for the Democratic Nomination for President?  “Newt has been talking to the President a good deal over the last few days.  Newt will not seek the Democratic Nomination, but President Obama has promised that Newt will be appointed to a high-level cabinet position once Obama is re-elected.

“The Republicans are the party for rich, capitalist pigs,” Gingrich reportedly told reporters in South Carolina.  “I am confident that with Mitt Romney as their nominee, they will lose in a landslide to Barack Obama.”

Nancy Pelosi was thrilled that Newt joined the Democratic Party.  “I always knew he was a Democrat at heart, I’m glad he finally admitted it publicly,” Pelosi reportedly said.

Gingrich told WWN that he has “volumes and volumes” of negative research on Mitt Romney and that he is turning it all over Barack Obama’s re-election campaign.

Asked whether he was a socialist, Gingrich thought for a moment and reportedly said, “FDR is the greatest president the United States has ever had.  If you think FDR is a socialist, than I am a socialist.  I think government, big government, is the answer to most, if not all, of America’s problems.  The bigger the government, the more good we can do.”

Gingrich always held many far-left position, including his thoughts on illegal immigration.  Gingrich believes that ALL illegal immigrants in the  United States should get amnesty, and that open borders would help the U.S. economy.  “We have plenty of room in our country.  I say, we cap the country at 50o million.  Once we hit that number, we can close the border, until then, I say let them all in!”

Gingrich all supports gay marriage, abortion, taxes on big oil, higher taxes on the wealthy, Obamacare and he strong believe in climate change.  He is meeting with Al Gore this weekend to come up with a plan that will drastically reduce the carbon footprint of the United States.

How does Gingrich feel about declaring himself a Democrat?

“Like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.”

PORTSMOUTH, NH – Newt Gingrich, Republican candidate for President, told a town hall audience that his wife is a robot.

Callista Gingrich, goes everywhere with her husband.  She is in the foreground of his Presidential campaign, and her beaming blonde visage looms as large as his.

The former speaker’s wife co-signs his campaign organization’s e-mails, produces his movies, appears beside him on Fox News, and even reads his work for audio-book adaptations – but she has maintained such a low profile over a decade in their marriage that she was an enigma even to some of his closest supporters.

Not anymore.  Today Newt Gingrich announced that his wife, Callista, is in his words a “Stepford Wife.”   Newt told reporters in New Hampshire today.  “Soon after I married Callista, I had her brain replaced with a robotic brain.  She does anything I tell her to, which frankly, the way all wives should behave to their husbands.”

Callista has been the most public and the least known of the political partners bracing for the scrutiny of a presidential campaign. In eleven years of marriage, Callista Gingrich has never been the subject of a profile. Gingrich’s aides declined to make her available to any newspapers for an interview, to talk about her or the marriage on the record or on background, or even to suggest friends who might offer a glimpse of the would-be First Lady.

The reason:  Callista is a robot.

Friends say she’s ready for the rigors of Iowa, where she went to college, and a comfortable public performer, if one who has spent much of her time on stage behind a gleaming french horn in the Fairfax City Band.

“The robotic brain I had put in her head, can handle any situation,” said Newt.

“She is much more in the model of a Laura Bush than a Hillary Clinton,” said David Bossie, the president of the conservative group Citizens United and a longtime Gingrich ally. “She just is a strong partner like Laura Bush, was but not out in front like Hillary Clinton was.”

Callista Gingrich is Newt’s third wife.  He was tired of having his wives “talk back” to him and deny him sex.  “Callista will have sex with me whenever I ask her too and she never talks back.  If she starts to talk back, I just say the word “Speaker” and she shuts up. I love her so much.”

Here’s Callista obeying her husband:

When asked where Newt had his wife’s brain replaced with a robotic brain, he said – “That’s something that will come out in when she becomes First Lady.  I will reveal that on every campaign stop ONLY to the men who promise to vote for me in 2012.”

Newt hopes to win in a landslide in November.

Here’s the  “Stepford Wives” trailer from the 1970s.

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Rick Perry continues his gafffetastic campaign.  He told an audience last night:  I hope the Easter Bunny is good to y’all.”

The audience in Portsmouth wasn’t surprised wasn’t surprised that Rick Perry confused Easter with Christmas.  They’ve gotten used to his campaign blunders.  Just the other day, Rick Perry told CNN that the Supreme Court only has 8 judges.  He retracted his statement yesterday  by reportedly saying,” We all make  mistakes, we all have our ‘oops’ moments.  I know there are ten Supre Court justices, but I don’t think I need to memorize all their names.  I can tell you this. George Bush is one of ‘em.”

An aide to Rick Perry’s campaign Rick Perry say that he always confuses Easter with Christmas because “they are so close together.”   Members of the press corps said Perry told them, “look, I made a mistake, but it’s a common error.  Jesus was born on Christmas, we all know that, but then  he rose again three days after and that’s Easter, so they are so close together it’s easy to see how somebody can make the error.   It’s a common thing.”

Here are a few other gaffes Perry reportedly made in New Hampshire:

1)  ”There are four branches of government:  Congress, The White House, The Supreme Court and the IRS.”

2)  ”Texas is our biggest state, except for Canada.  Canada is the biggest because it’s higher up there.”

3)  ”Iran and China are making deals because they’re next door neighbors.  That’s like Texas making deals with Oklahoma.  We don’t have to worry about that threat.”

4)  ”Hillary Clinton is a great American and a great Republican.  I might consider her as my Vice Presidential nominee.”

5)  ”Everyone should be able to carry guns, especially the children. They need protection.”

6)  ”I don’t believe in funding the arts.  NASA has enough money.  They don’t need to our money to pay artists to make dung sculptures.”

7)  ”I am Tim Tebow’s real father.  He’s my miracle.”

Perry ended his speech last night by saying, “Happy Christmas!” and then he sang Hava Nagila:

HOLLYWOOD – John Cusack forms satanic cult to rid the planet of “GOP welfare freaks.”

Actor John Cusack went on a Twitter rampage Sunday evening, attacking former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Fox News.  He tweeted, “I am for a satanic death cult center at Fox News HQ and outside the offices of Ordick, Armey and Newt Gingrich and all the GOP welfare freaks.”

Cusack got his wish when the Council of Satanic Death Cults (CSDC) announced today that they would be forming a Death Cult that will serve under their new leader, John Cusack.   Grand Dragon Cusack said, “I am honored that the CSDC thought I was evil enough to lead this council of 1,000 proud demons and bedwetters.  I accept. I vow to serve with dishonor and disrespect.”

Cusack has long been outspoken about politics. He supported Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election and has contributed to The Huffington Post, but this is the first known time he has stooped to the level of making threats. This pleased Lord Demon Michael Moore of the CSDC said, “We are proud that John has decided to join our circle of celebrity demons, which includes Rosie O’Donnell, Mel Gibson, and Bugs Bunny.  Yes, Bugs is on our side.”

The CSDC

The Council for GOP Welfare Freaks (CGWF) has countered by forming an Angelic Life Cult that will seek to bathe Cusack and his Death Cult Demons in “beautiful, white light,”  according to its new leader, Carrie Prejean.  Prejean has sent several white doves over to Cusack’s house as a means to “show that we are people of peace.”   Cusack immediately bit off the heads of the doves and then tossed them into the Pit of Cusack Fire – a raging eternal flame that he had installed in his basement (the CSDC will meet in the flame every Wednesday).

Fox News has formed its own John Cusack Fox News Cult (JCFNC).  This JCFNC will ridicule Cusack on a daily basis and will give Cusack plenty of air time to destroy his own career.

Republicans continue their criticism of Health Care reform.  Birthers claim they have proof of Democrat Death Panels.

Last week Sarah Palin decried the Obama Health Care plan for having “Death Panels” which she said would euthanize those deemed “unproductive to society” like her child with down syndrome.  Actual proof of such policies has yet to be provided but that has not stopped right wing support of Mrs. Palin’s claims.

Newt Gingrich came forward this weekend to express support of Palin’s criticisms of a “government run health system that pays for itself by killing off the sick and the elderly.”  When asked where in the health plan it says that people would be killed he replied “Um, can I get back to you on that?”

According to Palin those deemed “unproductive” by democrats would be encouraged by government agents to consent to being euthanized “for the good of the State.”  Those who decline would be taken forcibly and “made an example of.”  While Democrats in Washington condemn these notions as preposterous Orly Taites says she has proof!

Orly Taites, mother of the Birther movement, claims to have proof of Democrat Death Panels.  Taits claims to have photographic proof of the elderly being rounded up from nursing homes by government officials.  Critics say that these are simply stock photos from advertisements of nursing homes, to which Taites says she is being unfairly ridiculed and surpressed.

Hundreds of conservatives, including the Birthers, have joined their voices in condemning Health Care reform.  Already in town halls across the midwest angry citizens are throwing their elderly at local representatives in protest.

One Iowa woman began screaming at a town hall meeting “This is not the America that I love!  This health care plan is not what my father served in Korea to protect!”  She then began beating a State Assemblyman with her geriatric father.

Washington Democrats have yet to effectively prove that they are not holding secret Death Panels.  Until the government has adequately proven that they are not planning to systematically kill the sick and the elderly the protests are expected to continue; with elderly people being thrown in protest in small towns across America.