CASA GRANDE, AZ – Susanne Eman is on a mission.  She wants to be the fattest woman in the world.

Susanne Eman, a 728-pound mother (and model), is aiming to become the world’s fattest woman ever despite her doctor warning that she is playing “Russian roulette with her life”.

Eman is attempting to eat her way to becoming the fattest person in history. She already tips the scale at 728-pounds on is her way to her goal weight of 1,600 pounds.

Along the way, she passed Donna Simpson, the New Jersey woman who weighs a svelte 700-pounds. Simpson has a more modest goal — she only wants to weigh 1,000 pounds.

The fattest person ever was Jon Brower Minnoch, who at one point weighed 1,400 pounds. He also is the record holder for most weight lost — 920 pounds.

But Eman  isn’t interested in losing any of their weight.

“The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel confident and sexy,” said the 32-year-old Eman.  “The more weight I gain, the more guys want to be with me, the more sex I have.”

“Why not see how fat I can get? I want to break the stigma that being fat is a bad thing,”  Eman says.

If Eman sets the record, it will officially go undocumented. That’s because the Guinness Book of Records, which makes such things official, no longer lists records that could endanger a person’s health, like fattest person.

“It’s not fair,” said Eman.  “I should be in the Guinness Book of Records. I earned it.”

Eman says her other goal is to pose nude for Playboy.  “I’m in talks with Hugh Hefner, but he hasn’t made a decision yet.”

The 728-pound bombshell eats at least 20,000 calories a day.

Here she is posing with two sons, Gabriel, left, 16, and Brendin, right, 12, and their dog Sisco, 6, at their home in Casa Grande, Arizona.

Here she is with her younger sister, Cassie. Susanne thinks Cassie is jealous of her and her sexy fat.  “She’d love to be me,” said Eman.

Susanne is creating a stir among fans of ‘Super Size Big Beautiful Women’ (SSBBWs) – plans to increase her calorie-intake to keep gaining.  “I’d love to find out if it’s humanly possible to reach a ton,’ she said.

Susanne visits the supermarket once a month with her sons and spends up to eight hours filling six shopping carts.

‘It’s like a full day’s work,’ said Susanne, who uses a motorized scooter, but astonishingly believes she can stay healthy.

She added: ‘The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel more confident and sexy. Why shouldn’t I push the limits and see how fat I can get and stay healthy?’

Susanne’s bizarre mission began after she couldn’t stop gaining weight naturally.

‘Two years ago I hit 400 poundss because I was losing my battle against weight gain,’ she said.

“I noticed I actually started attracting more men, and it made me feel good.”

“At my current rate of growth, I should be 1,600 pounds by age 41 or 42.’

‘‘I take my blood pressure once a week, and every day, after I exercise, I take readings of my other vitals. I use a pulse oximeter to measure the concentration of oxygen in my blood stream.

“And I take my blood sugar levels just like a diabetic. If either of the readings go above a certain level, I’ll immediately contact my doctor for advice.

Despite warnings from her doctor that her bizarre experiment could kill her, Susanne insists she wants to break the record.

Dr Patrick Flite said: ‘She’s really playing Russian roulette with her life with this goal. There are well-documented complications that come with morbid obesity.

“I would never encourage anyone to be doing what Susanne is doing.”

Dr Flite said Susanne’s medical checks showed no current problems, adding: ‘She’s capable of making her own decisions. I don’t see any psychiatric problems or anything else wrong.’

But Susanne admitted she’s taken steps to protect her children in the future.

‘The boys do notice my diet and that I eat more each day,’ she said.

‘I tell them that everybody likes different things. If I’m making something fatty and they want something healthy, then I make us different meals.’

The unemployed mother – who cannot work because of her weight – claims she stays active by doing simple exercises and having regular health checks.

‘I want to break the stigma that being fat is a bad thing,’ she said. ‘I remind other fat people that it is OK for them to be that way.

‘The message I want to get across is for people to accept others for who they are.’

‘My next goal is to be 800lbs by the end of the year.

Good luck, Susanne.  WWN – and all our readers – are behind you!  Really, we are…

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

VANCOUVER – Vancouver poet Shannon Stewart shares a first glimpse of her tabloid inspired poems.

While standing in line at the supermarket many shoppers are intrigued by the eye-catching covers of the Weekly World News. In fact, one special shopper was so inspired by the craft and editorial of the tabloid that she began to write her own poetic “tabloid tales”.

With an MFA in Creative Writing, Shannon took her tales to a whole new level and is releasing her latest book Penny Dreadful. “Penny Dreadfuls were popular, cheaply produced 19th century magazines filled with brutal and sensationalist tales. Shannon revisits their grisly spirit through a series of meditations that examine the media’s obsession for luridness, be it tabloids or “respectable” newspapers.”

“Fable-like, ribald, and packing a powerful anti-puritanical punch, Penny Dreadful furnishes us with unsentimental X-rays of the contemporary world and its terrors.” The terrors and breaking headlines from the Weekly World News have truly inspired a remarkable poet. Here is a first glimpse at Shannon’s inspired poems.

Stay tuned for more tabloid tales!

SUPERMARKET LOBSTERS ESCAPE TANK & TERRORIZE SHOPPERS

What place is this?  The sea
around them is dead, served
up on beds of ice.  Fish eyes
goggle under fluorescents,
shelled shrimp a mountain
of pink.

Who  dreams such iniquity?
Smoked, skewered, shucked,
filets of gutted flesh spread
for viewing.  Alone, alive,
the lobsters plot revenge,
surreptitiously pluck
at the blue rubber bands
wrapped around  their claws.

Grip and crush, grip and crush,
a plan of action forms  in the
saline tank.  Swimmerets pummel
shells in anticipation, long stalks
of antenna sniff  beyond the glass
for the perfect moment.

They know the weak spots.
Digits, ankles, the toddler
left unattended in aisle 2.
Bibs and finger bowls filled
with lemon are shunned
for the greater muck
of terror.  Only blood
will do.

CHECK OUT THE ORIGINAL WWN ARTICLE:

http://books.google.com/books?id=2fMDAAAAMBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=weekly+world+news&source=gbs_summary_r&cad=0_2#PPA29,M1

BUY SHANNON’S BOOK, Penny Dreadful:

http://www.vehiculepress.com/cgi-bin/dbman2/db.cgi?%3E%3E%20db=default&uid=default&view_records=View%%3E%3E%202BRecords&ISBN=978-1-55065-245-1

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Lindsay Lohan needs counseling, not a restraining order.

After an eventful and dramatic evening at the Chateau Marmont on Friday, the Ronson family is placing a restraining order on Ms. Lohan.

Lohan, Samantha Ronsons ex-girlfriend, has gone insane! Samantha’s family held an intervention last week to express their deep concern while encouraging Sam to stay clear of the “drug-induced” Lohan.

Insiders from the Beverly Hills Police Department overheard Ronson’s mother and sister, designer Charlotte, talking to a clerk Monday afternoon about how to “send a message” to Lohan to inform her of the nasty news.
The BHPD clerk apparently told the duo that a restraining order would be the “best option.” If Lindsay “violates it, then she gets taken away.”

Charlotte had nothing but wonderful words to say about Lohan. “She does these things to get attention… She was trying to get into my party this weekend. We had had to tell security to keep her out. Then she booked a room at the Chateau Marmont. Her room was right below [us]… She also followed our brother Mark around.”
“Lindsay was doing drugs,” Ann continued. “She got up illegally to our room… She does these acts of public humiliation. It is all for attention,” Charlotte continued.

Is Lindsay really trying that hard to fit in with the Ronson family? We think Lohan needs to spend some quality time with PhD Ape. His insight and inspiration will surely straighten her up and get her back on the right track!
PhD Ape is the answer – NOT a fourth time at rehab.

http://perezhilton.com/2009-04-07-ronson-family-to-file-restraining-order-against-lohan

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sources report that you can expect little waiting time for some of today’s most dramatic rides.The emotional roller coaster is always open for business and can accommodate as many as six billion passengers per trip.  There is no height requirement, and guests are encouraged to bring their families and friends along with them,

The ride has seen an increase in business since the closing of the financial merry-go-round, but is well-equipped to handle the overflow.  Admission is one personal crisis ticket, payable at the door.

It is not recommended that pregnant women or people suffering from a heart condition board the roller coaster, but there is nonetheless a car at the front reserved for them.  Parents with small children are warned that they knew what they were getting into.

Dizziness, nausea, sudden elation, and a sinking sense of despair are natural when riding.  If the symptoms become overwhelming, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and engage in prolonged, expensive, and ineffective therapy.

Please enjoy the enjoyable portions of the roller coaster.  Remember to exit only when the ride has come to a complete stop, and then as quickly as possible, because it will be starting again soon.

BOSTON, MA  -  Bat Boy is outraged over the postponement of the Red Sox home opener.Bat Boy was scheduled to attend his first baseball game at Fenway Park this evening. However, officials have cancelled the game due to heavy rain. Dressed and ready to go in his newly purchased fan gear, Bat Boy was very disappointed when he showed up at the stadium unaware of the game change.

After arriving at Fenway Park, Bat Boy decided to join other outraged fans who had decided to camp out overnight and wait for the highly anticipated home opener. The game against the Tampa Rays was rescheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

Bat Boy and his new friends strolled over to Who’s On First to meet up with other loyal Sox fans.
Italian Sausages and lemonade were the items of choice for Bat Boy while others consumed multiple PBR’s.  I can only imagine – a few PBRs and the night will be flooded with tunes of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”.

Nothing like some Sox spirit for Bat Boy’s first game debut.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR

NEW YORK, NY – The UN Security Council held an emergency meeting after North Korea fired a large rocket.Inside sources confirm the launch was part of a rock concert performed by returning leader Kim Jong Il.

State Departments around the world are furious at what appears to be an overt act of aggression on North Korea’s part.  Intelligence analysts say the multi-stage rocket could be used to deliver ballistic missiles to neighboring countries.  The North Korean Ministry of Truth maintains the rocket was an attempt to put a satellite in orbit.

Hidden sources deep within North Korea confirm the leader of the communist party performed in a rock concert this weekend to celebrate his return from America.  For months Kim Jong Il has been sighted throughout rural America, taking in the sights and performing at open mic nights.  On Sunday after two mediocre opening acts and several delays Kim Jong Il took to the stage in the Glam Rock persona “Buzzy Starcluster.”

This concert marks a change from the mostly country and blues he experimented with throughout the American heartland, and the first time a head of state has performed as an androgynous intergalactic rock star.

Kim Jong Il did an interview earlier this week for North Korea’s only music magazine People’s Republic of Funk, for which he is also the editor.  According to the interview Buzzy Starcluster is quote “a benevolent intergalactic leader” who “comes to the most beautiful and gracious people of each planet with a message of peace and love.”  His new album “Unending rise of the Eternal Sovereign from Beyond the Stars and the Unfortunate Vermin from Mars” will be state issued to all citizens within the month.

Songs from Sunday’s performance included Mount Paektu Daydream, It Ain’t Easy being Glorious Leader, Seoul Love,  21st Century Boy, and a soulful cover of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab sung a cappella by the communist dictator.

The show culminated with the launch of several rockets, including the multi-stage rocket which has caused an international stir.  At the musical climax of the show all the rockets launched from bunkers behind stadium, framing Kim Jong Il perfectly in their vapor trails.

A video of the concert will be broadcast on state television around the clock for the next week.

Unconfirmed reports say that the rocket has been recovered from the ocean, and its payload contained enough glitter and pictures of Kim Jong Il to blanket a countryside.  The pictures were postcard sized of Kim in his Glam Rock costume with the caption “I Love You.”