NEW YORK, NY – Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is preparing to run for Senate in 2010, and President in 2012.

Giuliani announced yesterday that he plans on running for New York Senator in 2010.  He also said that if this was successful he would then run for the White House two years later “to get America back on track!”  He made these announcements standing on top of a box on a street corner in lower Manhattan.

Former Mayor and Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani stood on a box draped in a flag for hours yesterday.  Onlookers were highly confused at the sight as they passed by going about their business.  Many started leaving spare change in a cup by his feet.

Giuliani continued to shout Republican talking points at anyone who would listen for seven straight hours.  After that, he just started shouting “9/11!  9/11!” over and over again.  At more than one point he was almost collected by police as a homeless person to be shipped to New Jersey, a policy he put into practice.

In the evening, once he had been washed off and redressed by assistants, he made an official press conference.  He insisted on still draping himself in the American flag, despite strong opinions by his staff.  Entering the stage he could be seen tugging on one end of it while his personal assistant tried to take it from him, saying “Mine.  MINE!” until eventually she let go.  Giuliani took to the stage and tried not to chew on the corner of his flag while laying out his plans to eventually become the most powerful man in the world.

Key to funding these two massive political races was his plan to copyright the phrase “9/11.”

“We will show America that we have not forgotten.  That we will never forget.  And by the grace of God we will continue to let one tragedy define us for the rest of our lives!”  The crowd went into an awkward silence and Mr. Giuliani left the stage.  He was last seen campaigning in the early hours of the morning at the bus station.

BUFFALO, NY – A statue weighing over 1,000 pounds was stolen from outside the Buffalo Bills stadium!

The Buffalo Bills suffered a sad 6-3 loss against the Cleveland Browns this past Sunday. But it wasn’t the only thing they lost.

Some time that night, a tree statue of former running back Thurman Thomas was stolen from in front of the stadium!

While theft of team statues and mascots isn’t that uncommon, the statue was well over 1,000 pounds. It had been carved from a tree as part of the Carvings for a Cause initiative, which used trees that had been struck down during the October Surprise snowstorm of 2006.

Said Carvings for a Cause founder Therese Forton-Barnes, “I’ve never had anybody steal a carving. They weigh anywhere from 1,000 to 2,000 pounds.”

Police have no suspects as of yet. Due to the heft of the statue, it would have taken at least a small group of people as well as some kind of flatbed truck.

NEW YORK, NY – Oliver Stone premiered his new film about Hugo Chavez this weekend, with Chavez as his date. On his program, Glenn Beck exposed the Leftist Hollywood Conspiracy at work.

Beck took the time to decipher the clues of the Hollywood conspiracy to turn America into a socialist regime.  Glenn analyzed photos of Oliver Stone with Chavez on his arm.  The two arrived in an armored gondola that Beck noticed flied its flags on the left hand side.  Citing numerous seemingly innocuous details Beck wrote them down on a board, showing that if you took the third letter from each word it spelled out “Leftist Despooh,” which we can safely assume is the same as a Leftist Despot.

He went on to go over the reception of the crowd.  “What I don’t understand” Beck said “is that if these people love freedom, why did they put up with this.  If all these Italians, and foreigners, and Hollywood Elite, really loved freedom, I mean LOVED freedom, why did they allow a Dictator to show up?”  According to Beck the movie received a standing ovation from the entire crowd.  “Now I’m not saying that the people who saw this movie are planning a Communist Revolution, but until they prove otherwise we have to assume they are.”

He played an audio clip of applause after the film and slowed it down digitally until it clearly said “Down with Capitalism!”  Beck went on assure viewers he had personally removed all speakers in and within one square mile of his studio in case of any Leftist subliminal messages being broadcast.  “We will now have a logo at the bottom of our screen that says we are 110% free of Socialist subliminal messages.  Don’t trust any program, that doesn’t carry that logo.”

Beck concluded his program saying through tears “It couldn’t be more clear America.  Hollywood has joined with Hugo Chavez and together they wish to bring down everything we love about America.  For the sake of your Children, for the sake of America, don’t watch any programming that doesn’t have the 110% Socialist Message Free logo.  Because if Hollywood has their way, we’ll all be living under this: a Leftist Despooh.  Goodnight America.”

NEW YORK, NY – Actor and Baldwin brother Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy this week.  Weekly World News has tracked down where his money actually went.

Stephen Baldwin is known for his role in the 1996 movie The Usual Suspects and appearing on the latest season of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.”  He is also a noted Republican and a minister.  Court documents illustrate how Mr. Baldwin lost his money.

In 1996 he spent 5 million dollars to have the set of Bio-Dome shipped and reconstructed to his home in Nyack, NY.

While researching his role in The Usual Suspects he lost $500,000 to the mob.  His tax reports show he tried to write this off as a work expense.

Later that same year he made a bet with brother Alec Baldwin over who would end up with the more illustrious career.  In 1998 he paid out the bet to the tune of 1.4 million dollars.

In 2000 he spent his entire paycheck from starring in Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas on alcohol trying to forget he was in Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas.

In 2001 Stephen Baldwin became a born-again Christian and minister.  Shortly thereafter he lost $300,000 on the failed business “Be Married by a Baldwin.”

Stephen Baldwin spent $3 million to have 10,000 gallons of water from the river Jordan, where Christ was baptized, shipped to his home to be used in a man-made waterfall.

Baldwin founded Breakthrough Ministries in 2006 which was designed to utilize extreme sports as a ministry via arena tours.  Baldwin paid for all the dirt bikes, ramps, and lessons out of pocket.  Since Breakthrough Ministries went under, the equipment is sitting in Baldwin’s back yard next to his Bio-Dome which he now calls “New Eden.”

In 2008 Balwin got “HM” for Hannah Montanna tattooed on his shoulder in exchange for a cameo on the show, hoping the whole escapade might help his career.  He later spent half a million dollars on a failed homeopathic tattoo removal.

Stephen Baldwin is awaiting the courts to verify his bankruptcy.  His agent still refuses to return his calls, and Mr. Baldwin is running out of ‘Celebrity’ reality shows to appear on.

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff was sentenced yesterday for committing the biggest ponzi scheme in history.  The courts are insuring he serves as much time as possible.

In a New York court yesterday, a federal judge sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison.  Madoff plead guilty to stealing over $68 billion from his clients, leaving many of them financially destitute.  After initially making a run for it, Madoff was finally brought to justice by friend of the Weekly World News, Bat Boy.  Bat Boy was a key witness in Madoff’s resisting arrest charge, and was in the court room for sentencing.  US District judge Denny Chin said that Madoffs actions were “extraordinarily evil” and that he “will be made an example of” to future white collar criminals.

According to court papers, Bernard Madoff will be kept alive by whatever means necessary to serve his entire 150 year sentence.  When medical science begins to fail and death appears imminent, his body will be cryogenically frozen, to be thawed at a time when he can be treated and made to serve the remainder of his sentence.  Only after his sentence is completed in full will Madoff be allowed to die.

Thanks to a special arrangement between the Federal courts and legal representatives of Hell, Madoff’s suffering will not be limited to this life.  In a deal brokered shortly before sentencing, the court has ensured that upon his death Madoff’s soul will receive special treatment in his own private section of Hades.  Madoff will be sent through washing and drying machines, to remind him of all the money he laundered in life.  Night after night for millennia, he will be washed in scalding water, wrung out and dried with Satan’s undergarments.   During the days he will work as the assistant fry cook at a fast food restaurant, serving angry representatives of those he stole from in life.

Some have argued if this sentencing is extreme, and if the Federal court has any business making deals with the Devil.  In answer to this, Judge Chin said, “He deserves it.”

NEW YORK, NY – A Brooklyn man has been arrested for dressing up as his dead mother to scam the government!

Thomas Prusik-Parkin spent six years impersonating his mother in an elaborate ruse to collect social security checks, rent subsidies and even file a lawsuit against himself. His mother, Irene Prusik, died in 2003, but Thomas gave the funeral home an incorrect Social Security number and birthdate so she would not be registered as deceased.

Thomas then began collecting her $700 a month checks from Social Security. Soon after, “Irene” filed bankruptcy, so Thomas could take in another $39,000 in city subsidies for rent on their apartment.

However, this is only the tip of the iceberg in his fraudulent behavior. Thomas went so far as to sue himself so as to keep his home! In 1996, Irene deeded their Brooklyn home to Thomas. Thomas took out a mortgage to pay for a start-up company that eventually failed. He stopped making mortgage payments, and the house was bought in 2003 by Samir Chopra.

In order to get the house back, Thomas posed as Irene and sued himself, alleging that Thomas forged the 1996 deed transfer. The house was given back to “Irene”, who took out an almost million-dollar mortgage, of which $300,000 in cash went to Thomas.

It was Samir Chopra, the true owner of the house, who tipped the cops off to Thomas’ scheme. Police soon discovered that Thomas had actually been dressing up as his mother and been chaperoned around town by a “nephew”, Mhilton Rimolo, in order to cash checks in Irene’s name and deal with property issues. Mhilton, a friend of Thomas’, has been arrested as well.

Not realizing the police were onto him, Thomas met with investigators over the property dispute, showing up as Irene “wearing a red cardigan, lipstick, manicured nails and breathing through an oxygen tank,” prosecutors said. Since his arrest, he has pleaded not guilty to grand larceny, criminal impersonation and other charges. Both men are being held on $1 million bail.

STONY BROOK, NY – A skeleton cast of the possibly new species nicknamed “The Hobbit” has gone on display for the first time.

The skeleton of Homo floresiensis was discovered in 2003 in Indonesia. Scientists continue to argue whether the remains are that of a human dwarf or an entirely new hominin species. The discovery of partial remains of eight other individuals as well as small stone tools have left researchers puzzled.

The Homo floresiensis would have only stood about three feet tall, weighed around 70 pounds, walked upright and may have hunted and used fire.

The cast was on display at Stony Brook University during a one-day symposium that debated the nature of the proposed new species. One anthropologist, Dean Falk, explained how she had compared the size and shape of the brain to various other kinds, including chimpanzees, the early species Homo erectus, and humans with a disorder called microcephaly, a common hypotheses for those who believe the Homo floresiensis are merely deformed humans.

Falk stated, “In our view we dispensed at that point with the microcephaly hypothesis. It’s not just that their brains are small; they’re differently shaped. It’s its own species.”

Homo floresiensis is thought to have survived until as recently as 12,000 years ago. If it is ultimately considered an entirely new species, it will considered the longest-lasting non-modern human, surviving long past the Neanderthals by at least 12,000 years!

ALBANY, NY – New York Governor David Paterson is introducing legislation today which would promote same-sex marriages in the state. Political insiders believe he is being pressured to do so by the Gay Mafia, based out of New York’s Fashion District.

The Gay Mafia, or the Velvet Hand, has been a force in New York politics since the 1970’s.  Originally founded in the back rooms of Studio 54, they are now the “Pink Power Brokers” who run New York’s Fashion and Theater districts.  Current alleged fairy godfather Harvey Fierstein was unavailable for comment.

The Governor said in a statement yesterday, flanked by two new and impeccably dressed bodyguards, that “the timing was always right for this.  And a-all that was required was, the-the will.”  His hands began to shake and before he could say more his bodyguards, one of whom appeared to be a season 1 contestant on “Make Me a SuperModel”, escorted him from the platform and into a waiting limo with the license plate “Qu33n B.”

The FBI is currently investigating New York’s Gay Mafia.  The Velvet Hand has been tied to fake purse trafficking, drug running, and every Broadway musical for the past fifteen years.  They are believed to have a stranglehold on the body waxing industry, and own several gay steel mills upstate as fronts.  Their army of chorus dancer enforcers has ensured their underground power for decades.

The Velvet Hand is also believed to be tied to a series of murders; at each one. a single rose tied with a pink chiffon ribbon was left as a calling card.

Governor Paterson will officially propose the legislation later this afternoon.

NEW YORK, NY – Ashrita Furman, a New York City resident, has become the first person to simultaneously hold 100 titles in the Guinness Book of World Records!

Furman earned the 100th simultaneous record by holding a poetry reading in New York’s City Hall Park, where a group of people read “Precious” by Sri Chinmoy in 111 languages.

“It was fun learning about many of these languages — quite a few I never even heard of,” said Furman, who chose Zulu as his language for reading the poem. Furman recruited more than 100 New York friends to recite the poem in their language, beating Hong Kong’s International Social Service who five months ago presented a text in 79 languages.

Furman, 54, has earned over 230 Guinness records in total, but many have since been broken. Furman made his first entry into the Book 30 years ago, by doing 27 000 jumping jacks within 5 hours.

“As a kid I was always fascinated by the Guinness Book of World Records. But I was very unathletic and I never thought I could,” Furman said.

He said taking up meditation helped him find the inner strength to perform feats including eating 38 M&Ms with chopsticks in one minute earlier this year.

“I believe we all have an inner strength that we very rarely use,” Furman said. “I just love the challenge of trying to be the best in the world in something.”

Some records Furman has broken include:

1. Somersaulting 12 miles 390 yards continuously
2. Pogo stick-jumping up 1899 steps of CN Tower, Canada, in 57 min 51secs
3. Most underwater rope jumps in one hour: 900 jumps
4. Largest weight of milk crates balanced on chin: 93lbs 7oz
5. Most grapes caught in the mouth in one minute: 77
6. Fastest lemon peeling and eating: 10.97secs
7. Most eggs crushed with own head in 30secs: 53
8. Most whole garlic cloves eaten in one minute: 13
9. Mile hula hooping: 11min 29sec
10. Balancing tallest pole on chin: 54.6ft