NEW YORK – Economists from around the world gathered at the U.N. to discuss solving the global financial crisis – by fighting aliens!

The world’s top economists gathered with Dr. John Malley, the head of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials, on Monday.   The economists believe that if the world comes together to defend the planet against the ongoing alien invasion – it could help save the world economy.

“We will need every available asset in the world to build weapons to combat the aliens that are already invading our planet,” said Harvard economist, Jacob Barron.  ”By going into production to fight the aliens, we will create millions and millions of jobs around the planet.  We may even approach full employment.”

“This is just like World  War II,” said Jean Blanchard, top economist from France.  ”We put people to work making weapons and that revives the economy.  It’s a Keynesian solution that always works.  AND we get to kill aliens at the same time.”

Dr. Malley has been battling “alien invasion skeptics” for the last two years.  ”There is overwhelming proof that aliens began invading earth in October 2010 and that the invasion will last until December of 2015.  The only reason it has not been made public is because governments and media have conspired to keep it from citizens, in order to keep peace.”  Malley told a room full of reporters from around the world.  ”It’s ironice, now that governments need to make it public to save the world from financial ruin, now they need to make it public.  That’s fine with me.  We need to prepare.”

Dr. Malley has repeatedly said that the aliens are primarily from Planet Zeeba, a planet just outside the Milky Way.  The U.N. Panel has been studying this invasion for the last thirty years.  The panel believes that if human beings behave properly we can coexist with the aliens on our planet.

But, Paul Krugman, a top economist and writer for the New York Times, was a guest on CNN’s “Fareed Zakaria GPS” on Sunday. S peaking with Zakaria and Harvard economist Ken Rogoff, he made the same case h noted that the effort of World War II helped end the Great Depression, and an effort to stop the aliens from Planet Zeeba will save us today.

“If we discovered that, you know, space aliens were planning to attack and we needed a massive buildup to counter the space alien threat and really inflation and budget deficits took secondary place to that, this slump would be over in 18 months,” he said. “And then if we discovered, oops, we made a mistake, there aren’t any aliens, we’d be better–”

“We need Orson Welles, is what you’re saying,” Rogoff cut in.

Here’s Paul Krugman on Fareed Zakari’s GPS talking about a “fake” alien invasion that could help cure the world’s economic problems.

WWN has repeatedly confirmed (and Krugman obviously knows), there IS an alien invasion going on and the world will be forced to come together to defend its citizens against them.

What Krugman doesn’t say is that the aliens are friendly. The are coming here help the earth and its people.  But if citizens of Earth become hostile toward them they will fight back.   THUS, the need for economic stimulus to build weapons to fight them.

And you don’t believe in multi-national government conspiracies?

After years of telling us not to call people “retarded” any more, the Democrats are using the word!

That big fat new health care law talks about hospitals taking care of “the mentally retarded”!

Between that, the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People – can somebody tell me how we’re supposed to talk anymore?

Even Obama doesn’t know. The Teleprompter Kid joked on Jay Leno that his bowling was “like the Special Olympics.”

How come liberals who get mad when people say words like “retarded” are EXACTLY the same folks who made fun of Sarah Palin’s baby? You have to go to college to figure out how to keep this political correctness stuff straight!

That’s why reporters today have to go to college. They have to know when to make fun of Sarah Palin for being Governor of Alaska, and when to make fun of her for quitting the job.

No wonder reporters get things so mixed up, like the New York Times getting the date of the moon landing wrong last week! Those reporters have a lot on their minds, like how their papers are going out of business!

Meanwhile, the same TV news that tells us to watch out for global warming gets the weather report wrong half the time.

Reporters also have to know when to keep quiet when the Communist-in-Chief does the same “stupid” things George Bush did. Sometimes Obama even comes up with new stupid things all by himself, like saying Hirohito signed the surrender papers after World War II when he didn’t.

The Communist-in-Chief isn’t just “making history” – now he’s making it up!

Can you believe it? Good old George W. Bush just raised $100-million for his Presidential library in only 100 days! So much for the crappy economy! Bush’s new book depository in Dallas is gonna be built from solid gold bricks at this rate.

How’d that happen? I thought Bush was the worst President ever, and everybody hated him and was glad to see him leave.

One share of New York Times stock is now cheaper than a copy of their paper, and they might have to sell their big building. Hey, maybe Bush should buy it and put his library in there instead! So much for their eight years of Bush bashing. You’d almost think nobody paid attention to the New York Times anymore…

I dunno: Obama seems to like handing out new houses and free stuff to folks. Maybe he cut Bush a check, too! The Teleprompter Kid’s throwing money at everybody else, so why not? Sounds like the Bush library’s gonna be around longer than GM at this rate.

This news is gonna make that press secretary’s head come to an even pointier point. Keith Olbermann’s gonna burst a blood vessel, and the girls on The View are gonna be in permanent PMS mode!

Oh sure, they’ll joke that $100-million buys a lot of copies of “My Pet Goat”, and say a “George Bush Library” is like a “Michael Jackson Daycare” or an “Oprah Winfrey Fat Farm”, but let them laugh.

All those liberals are just jealous. Bush’s library just made more money in one hundred days than all Hollywood’s anti-Bush, anti-war movies made in eight whole years! Take that, traitors!

CHENGDU – Word has spread of the mythical creature, the “grass mud horse”, which is rumored to live in the Chinese desert. But what is it truly?

The New York Times has just published an article explaining what they believe to be the origins of the “grass mud horse”. Apparently, in protest of severe censorship, Chinese citizens “created” a list of 10 mythical creatures with names that sound similar to Chinese profanities. One of these animals is the grass mud horse, or cao ni ma.

The cao ni ma live in the Gobi Desert, where they have adapted to the harsh conditions. Their arch-nemeses are the “river crabs”, whom they do daily battle with.

Weekly World News protests this ill-informed article! It is well known the grass mud horse do indeed exist. This is clearly a conspiracy led by the Chinese government itself to fool outsiders into believing they do not have a cryptid “problem”. Footage has been shared world-wide of this mythical beast, even accompanied by the voices of children singing worship.

I’m madder than Sigmund Freud with a busted stogie about that crazy woman at the New York Times!

I hear through the computer machine that that stupid paper printed a story about ladies having dirty dreams about the new Communist-in-Chief.

I thought maybe it was a lie. After all, the New York Slimes is always putting out made up stories, when it’s not ignoring real ones – like that one fellow covering up Commie mass murders, and winning that big Pull Your Leg Prize for his troubles.

But this new story looks legit! Seems all these ladies are daydreaming about the Teleprompter Kid. I tell you: their stories made this old veteran of Pork Chop Hill turn a new shade of crimson.

Listen up, all you (real) red, white and blue-blooded American ladies (New York Slimes scribblers don’t count) – you aren’t supposed to have funny thoughts about the President, not even a pretty much fake one like the Communist-in-Chief.

Did our foremothers dream of running their fingers through George Washington’s powdered wig? Or squeezing into the tub with Taft? Did they giggle when they said “Herbert Hoover”?

No, they did not. They were too busy milking cows and scrubbing floors and doing all the things ladies are supposed to do. They certainly weren’t writing silly stories for the New York Slimes and getting each other all worked up! And over what? That scrawny jug- eared whippersnapper with the funny name!

Mrs. America, you’d best quit your daydreaming and get back to your needlepoint. From now on, do your duty: close your eyes and remember the Alamo!

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/opinion/ed-anger/6163/ed-anger-says-quit-dreaming-about-obama/feed/ 1 Ed Anger edanger http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/6118/sarah-palin-and-ashley-judd-fight/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/6118/sarah-palin-and-ashley-judd-fight/#comments Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:19:50 +0000 Hideaki Tailor http://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=6118 ]]>

JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin and Ashley Judd’s squabbling has descended into middle-school madness after only speaking to each other through the press.

Actress Ashley Judd is the face for a new Defenders Action Fund campaign against Governor Palin’s promotion of aerial hunting of wolves. In the ad, Judd states, “Palin even proposed a $150 bounty for the severed foreleg of each killed wolf. And now she is encouraging even more aerial killing. It is time to stop Sarah Palin and stop this senseless savagery.”

Palin has hit back through a released statement: “Shame on the Defenders of Wildlife for twisting the truth in an effort to raise funds from innocent and hard-pressed Americans struggling with these rough economic times.”

The two have now resorted to trading  petty insults and name-calling through third-party reporters.

Thursday 10:05AM, CNN – Judd: “I won’t respond to her directly. You can tell that cow to get back to paying off her slutty-secretary outfits.”

Thursday 1:37PM, Fox News – Palin: “I don’t want to talk her either! Stick to making bad cop movies, sweetie. Or is she too old now…”

Thursday 6:58PM, CBS  – Judd: “Take it back! So help me god, I will come up there and trash that god damn tanning booth!”

Thursday 9:16PM, Washington Post – Palin: “You have no friends and everyone hates you!”

Friday 8:32AM, New York Times – Judd, tearfully: “You’re ugly and poor!”

After reporting on the argument, The Today Show’s Willard Scott exclaimed, “Oh no she di’nt!” The group of hosts then jumped up on their desks and chanted, “Fight! Fight! Fight!” while Al Roker ran around in circles in excitement.

It has been decided that Oprah Winfrey will be brought in as a peer mediator, with talks to be held in the neutral location of QVC’s studio.

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”