NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy rang in the New Year the only way he knows how: with good-natured mischief.

Continuing with tradition, Times Square hosted the annual New Year’s Eve ball drop, in which a time ball is lowered down a pole during the last minute of the year.

This year, the redesign of the ball doubled it’s size, making more than enough room for our favorite little mutant to take a ride!

Security noticed a dark figure clinging to the back of the ball around 11:51PM. They quietly attempted to get him down by using chocolate covered mosquitoes as bait, but Bat Boy was on a mission.

When the clock hit 11:59PM, the ball began it’s slow descent and Bat Boy scrambled onto the top. He raised his arms in triumph and sent high-pitched squeaks ringing across Times Square.

The cameras attempted to film only the lower-half of the ball to keep his victory pose out of the shot.

As the ball stopped and 2012 began, amid the chaos, confusion and confetti erupting through Times Square, Bat Boy was able to slip away, avoiding police apprehension.

The NYPD has not yet released a statement on whether they will issue a warrant for his arrest.

NEW YORK, NY -  The NYPD has issued a mandatory order:  women wearing skirts will be fined!

Don’t wear short skirts — you could get raped.  Wear a short skirt and you will  be fined.  That’s the new directive from the NYPD and an executive order from Mayor Bloomberg has put it into effective – immediately.

The New York Police Department is giving women in Brooklyn two days to get rid of their short skits.  This follows a slew of unsolved sexual attacks in the past few months.

The NYPD first issued warnings to women:  “wear short skirts and you may be attacked.”  But many women did not heed the warning.

“We have to take the warning to then next level, so we can protect the women of Brooklyn,” said a source close to Mayor Bloomberg.  “Women kept wearing skirts, so now we have to make it the law not to.”

The new law is e being met with outrage, with residents saying police should be focusing on catching the suspects, not criticizing women for what they choose to wear.

One South Park Slope resident told WWN about an encounter she had with an NYPD officer this past week:

Sally, a ParkSlope resident, was walking home three blocks from the gym on Monday when she was stopped. The 25-year-old, who did not want her last name to be used, was wearing shorts and a T-shirt when she claims a police officer stopped her, gave her a $200 fine and told her to “go home and change.”  He also stopped two other women wearing dresses – fining them and ordering them home to “put something less revealing on.”

Officers are routinely stopping women and saying things like:

– “Don’t you think your shorts are a little short?’”

– “You’re showing too much leg.”

– “Ma’am.  I’m sorry, but skirts must be at least knee-length.”

– “Would your mother be happy with what you’re wearing?”

– “You’re showing too much skin.”

The NYPD is being flooded with calls and complaints.  But Mayor Bloomberg refuses to budge and, according to sources in New York, he says he vows to stop rapes by getting women to dress more modestly.

This would clearly be unacceptable:

NORWALK, CT -   Sean Penn has come to the rescue again!  He is helping victims of Hurricane Irene.

Sean Penn, infamous actor turned  journalist/political activist/hurricane rescuer flew into Newark airport yesterday and went to work helping flood victims in Mahwah, New Jersey and in Norwalk, Connecticut.

Penn came to the aide of Hurricane Katrina victims in 2008 – bringing food, water and a camera crew.  He ran into trouble though when the boat he was using sprung a leak.  As the boat began to sink, Penn started crying like a baby (and he wasn’t acting).  He was eventually  rescued by the National Guard.

Penn was anxious to restore his reputation as a Savior for All Hurricane Victims, so he went to heavily flooded areas of Connecticut, ready to help out.  He was seen wearing what appeared to be a white flak jacket.

Penn then got busy stacking up sand bags.  Unfortunately, he was  a day late with the sand bags.  When local authorities tried to get Penn to stop, Penn said, “I’m going to f*&*ing put these f*&*ing sand bag up, now leave me the f*&k alone.”

Penn invited his friend Hugo Chavez to Connecticut to help him with his Hurricane Relief effort, but Chavez is undergoing chemotherapy and couldn’t make it.

Did Penn make a difference?

Local resident, Daniel Towder, of South Norwalk, said that Penn did manage to save a tow kittens from a flooded house on Marshall Avenue.  Unfortunately, when Penn was offloading the kittens he accidentally dropped a forty pound camera on them…and that was that.

Penn promised to stay in Connecticut “until every last victim is out of the Superdome!”

New Orleans citizens said that they were happy to know that Penn was busy in Connecticut.

NEW YORK CITY – An earthquake hit Manhattan this afternoon.  Donald Trump’s hair didn’t move.

An earthquake hit Virginia, but major tremors were felt all the way up in Manhattan.  Screaming New  Yorkers ran out of buildings into the streets= many of them were naked.

“We’re on the 11th Floor and I felt the building sway back and forth.  We grabbed our Bat Boy bobbleheads and headed for Union Square Park,”  tax attorney and ventriloquist,  Chas Collins,  told WWN.  “We sang campfire songs and smoked pot.  But I was still shaking.”

Frightened New Yorkers were seen running across 42nd Street, heading for the Hudson River.  “New Yorkers have been told for years that if there ever was an earthquake,  they should run over to the Hudson River, jump in and swim for Hoboken.  So, a lot of New Yorkers were doing just that.  And Hoboken was ready – with water guns.”

The quake’s epicenter was in Mineral, Virginia, southwest of DC, in the middle of Virginia. The magnitude was 5.9 -upgraded from an initial reading of 5.8.

In DC, Federal authorities were quick to apprehend the earthquake:

Apparently there were tremors felt as far away as Martha’s Vineyard, Detroit and parts of Ohio. That’s a really wide area of impact for a relatively small quake.  Study this map and memorize it.  It will help you when the next earthquake hits.

The stock market dipped when the earthquake hit, but the Dow ended up.  Gold was also up, but real estate fell another 10%.

Donald Trump panicked that his hair might go out of place from the shaking.  But, thank God, Trump’s hair didn’t move.

Here is Trump’s hair before the quake:

And here is Trump’s hair after the quake:

The earthquake also hit Martha’s Vineyard where President Obama was playing golf.  “Yes, The President felt it and he was extremely annoyed -  the quake made him miss his putt!” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Back in New York,  the NYPD checked buildings making sure people were evacuated and they arrested looters and clown.  “Earthquakes always bring out the clowns,” said NYPD Police Officer Neil Gondra.  The damage in New York was minimal.   “We got lucky this time,” said Mayor Bloomberg.  “I take credit for that.”

Tragedy avoided in Manhattan.  We won’t be seeing this:

NEW YORK – As Manhattan prosecutors move to drop sexual assault charges, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was released from house arrest.

Investigators for the prosecution have uncovered serious credibility issues with the hotel housekeeper who accused Strauss-Kahn of rape.

Before the heavily publicized charges were filed, Strauss-Kahn had been seen as a frontrunner for France’s presidential election next year.

As he left the Tribeca townhouse where he had been on house arrest since May, he told reporters he “was going to relax by the sea and maybe take a nap in the sun.”

On his way out of town, Strauss-Kahn stopped at Taija Body Work on W. 8th St. in Greenwich Village, which specializes in “deep tissue massage and general rejuvenation.” He exited about an hour later looking refreshed.

Prosecutors will hold Strauss-Kahn’s passport until the charges are completely dropped, so he cannot leave the country.

As for the accuser, she has reportedly lied to prosecutors throughout their investigation. In addition, there are inconsistencies regarding her asylum status and application as well as her personal relationships. She has ties, including recorded jailhouse phone calls, to a known drug smuggler. Furthering her credibility issues, she received multiple cash deposits into her bank account totaling $100,000 made at banks in five different U.S. cities.

When asked if he had any words for his accuser, a massaged Strauss-Kahn replied, “she folds back a nice sheet.”

NEW YORK, NY – The Hoverbike is here and Mayor Bloomberg of New York has ordered 100,000 for the NYPD!

Mayor Bloomberg is ecstatic.  He has a new way to catch criminals in Manhattan. The Hoverbike.

The Hoverbike takes “catching air” to a whole new level. With a 1170 cc 4-stroke engine delivering 80 kW driving two ducted propellers, the inventor of the Hoverbike, Chris Malloy, says with its high thrust to weight ratio, the Hoverbike reaches an estimated height of more than 15,000 feet and reach an airspeed of 173 mph.

Mayor Bloomberg was impressed and saw the potential for use as Emergency Response Vehicles.  “We are going to hire 1,000 Hoverbike Officers immediately,” Bloomberg said at a press conference.  “This will dramatically change how New York City responds to 911 calls.”

Malloy works in the mechanical design of airborne and ground based hyperspectral sensors at an optical engineering company in Australia.  It took him two and a half years slaving away in his garage to develop the Hoverbike. His efforts were prompted when his helicopter instructor likened a Robinson R22 light utility helicopter to an airborne motorbike.

The Hoverbike seats a single pilot on a Kevlar reinforced carbon fiber with foam core frame in between two horizontal spinning propellers constructed from Tasmanian Oak with a carbon fiber leading edge. Instead of the complicated swash plate setup found in single rotor helicopters, the Hoverbike employs the same basic flying principles as a tandem-rotor Chinook helicopter.

Control of the Hoverbike is done completely via the handlebars. Forward and reverse movement is controlled via the motorbike-like handlebar grips. The right grip increases the thrust, while the left grip controls the angle of the control vanes positioned under the rotors to pitch the nose of the Hoverbike down – for forward movement – or up – for moving backwards. Meanwhile, turning is achieved by turning the handlebars left and right, just like a motorbike but with an extra axis that lets them rotate up and down a little, which alters the angle of the front and rear control vanes.

Riders will wear a parachute.

With dimensions of 9.8 x 4.3 x 1.8 f, the Hoverbike weighs 231 lb and has a maximum takeoff weight of 595 lb.   The bike’s 30 L primary fuel tank should provide a range of 200 miles at a cruising speed of  100 mph, while the addition of secondary fuel tanks that double the fuel capacity will double the range.

The Hoverbike is now in full production and other cities – Dallas, Miami, Washington DC and Memphis have all put in similar orders to New York.  Malloy hopes to produce 50,000 Hoverbikes a month to meet the demand.

Here’s the next generation of Hoverbike Malloy is working on:

We’ll bring you video of the flight tests once Chris has completed them. Until then we’ll have to make do with the short video below on an airflow visualization smoke test.

Airflow demonstration

BROOKLYN –  Faravores, followers of the latest food craze, demand distance for their delicacies.

Like locavores, faravores are people who pay attention to the origin of their food. They are committed to variety and eating food from as many faraway places as possible. They support what they consider “real” farmers.

Bob Gulvey, graphic designer and founder of Brooklyn Faravore, explained the motivation behind this quickly developing food trend.

“Real farmers are men in overalls with fields and pastures and tractors. This is where we want our food to come from. I don’t trust these locavore Brooklyn nuts with their hand-fed, backyard goats and their rooftop lettuces. It’s disgusting. It’s like breaking the ten-second rule on a New York City street and serving it up on a plate for $27.95.”

Gulvey continued, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to eat a chicken you ordered online and had shipped to your little urban coop. And I definitely don’t want some nasty cock-fighting bird you bought off a guy underneath the Major Deegan. Faravore is about quality and selection. I support farmers who let their chickens run and roam. But they should do it in Iowa or Nebraska or somewhere with plenty of open space.”

When asked what brought him to organize, Gulvey did not hesitate.

“Coney Island Caviar, if you can believe it. I was at Met Foods on Fulton Street and they were giving away samples. Normally, I’m a big sample guy but you’ve got to be kidding me. I get the Russian influence of the neighborhood and all. But caviar should not come from Coney Island. Those are infected waters down there. It was like a lightning bolt struck me, I knew I had to do something. I don’t care how long it takes or how many gallons of gas are wasted or how many trees are chopped down, the caviar I eat will come from the Black Sea or even the Caspian. That’s the moment I became a faravore.”

Brooklyn Faravore will be holding their first rally at the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket this Saturday, May 28th from 12-2PM. Supporters are encouraged to wear red. “Send It To Me!” and “Far For Me!” signs will be distributed.

WASHINGTON – NASA announced today that all three of its soon-to-be-retired shuttles will go to Disney facilities.

As part of the agreement, Disney announced that two of the shuttles, Atlantis and Endeavour, will stay in the United States at Disney World and Disneyland respectively.

The third shuttle, Discovery, which insiders speculated was going to the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum, will be headed to Shanghai Disneyland (estimated to open in 2016).

“It’s a national disaster, a tragedy, a travesty. I could go on. For NASA to team up with Disney is unconscionable. They might as well just stick the shuttle on 42nd St. and move the Spiderman production in there,” said an enraged Stephen Holdwich, director of the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum in New York City.

“We’ve been working for this for years, as have many other museums and legitimate institutions all over our country. NASA had requirements, none of which Disney manages to satisfy. These shuttles should have gone to science.  It’s like donating your organs to a lollipop factory,” Holdwich continued.

Twenty-one air and space museums, science centers and educational institutions believed they were in the running to receive at least one of the retired space shuttles.

These institutions have been vying for the honor to exhibit and house a NASA shuttle since 2008. NASA had established certain criteria to qualify for an application. Interested organizations needed to:

-    be in the United States or one of its possessions
-    be able to house the space shuttle in a suitable climate-controlled indoor display or storage space
-    be ready and able to accommodate delivery of the shuttle by modified Boeing 747 jetliner by as early as December 2011
-    and be able to afford the estimated $28.8 million needed to prepare the orbiter for safe display and for transport to the museum

NEW YORK – A group of leprechauns were not permitted to participate in the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

The St. Patrick’s Day Parade has been a New York City tradition since 1762. It is a celebration of all things Irish where those of Irish decent and those who simply like to drink flock to Fifth Ave. to catch a glimpse of drunken men parading the streets of Manhattan in kilts.

However, this year a group of eager Irish were not allowed to participate. Lenny the Leprechaun is one of about 30 odd leprechauns that were told that they could not be a part of the parade festivities.

“We don’t understand why we cannot participate in this years parade,” said Lenny, “We have been a long-standing tradition of Irish culture and heritage for several hundred years. We have the right to be recognized and participate in the parade.”

New York City Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly stated that they leprechauns were not allowed to participate in the parade for their own personal safety; citing that the struggling economy puts the leprechauns in a high risk category due to their extreme wealth. “Everyone is looking to get rich quick in New York City. We were concerned that if the leprechauns were allowed to participate that we would have an enormous amount of kidnappings on our hands,” explained Kelly.

When Lucky the spokesman for Lucky Charms Cereal was asked his opinion about the news, he was quoted as saying, “They’re magically delicious!” No one is exactly sure what he was referencing and most do not listen to him ever since he fell off the wagon.

Lenny and the other leprechauns are filling a class action lawsuit against the City of New York sighting discrimination amongst other charges. Attorney, Bernie Goldstein, who recently represented Bigfoot in a copyright and trademark infringement case, will be representing the leprechauns in this ground breaking case.

NEW YORK, NY – Statue of Liberty to be shut down due to lack of interest.

The talk of a U.S. government shutdown has been all the buzz in the media as of late. Many proposals have been presented to help cut costs within the land of the free and the home of the brave. These proposals include: cutting funding to Planned Parenthood, no longer allowing the Pentagon to sponsor NASCAR (that’s right the Pentagon sponsors NASCAR!), and even shutting down government run landmarks such as the Statue of Liberty. How the government could even consider shutting down one of the most iconic landmarks in the country in an attempt to save a few bucks is paramount to unconscionable.

And it seemed as though the closure of Lady Liberty was no longer on the table as the Senate finally approved a measure that would continue to fund the government beyond the March 4 deadline. However, due to the fact that the option of shutting down the landmark was under consideration, government officials were required to review all of the financial books for every federally operated landmark in the country in order to determine which one would be cut first in the event of a government shutdown. Through analyzing the books, it was discovered that the attendance to the Statue was virtually nonexistent.

“No one is coming to visit,” said a parks ranger at Liberty Island, “Word has finally gotten around that in order to get to the crown you have to climb 345 steps (22 stories) only to be quickly edged out by the next bunch of angry patriots awaiting their 60 seconds in the crown.”

The lack of attendance has been attributed to the fact that New Yorkers just don’t care about her, tourists are afraid that she will be the target of the next major terrorist attack, and a general lack of interest.

“I’m content seeing her from the Staten Island Ferry,” said James Freedman, a tourist visiting from Walla Walla, Washington, “Plus the ferry is free. Everything is so expensive in New York City. The statue was one expense that I could live without on this year’s vacation.”

The Statue has simply seemed to have lost her allure. Americans think that she no longer represents the country. Most feel that an iPad or an iPhone are a better representation of what America stands for at this point. Many immigrants even confess that they do not know why the statue exists and that they would much prefer any Apple products, even an iPod shuffle, over a visit to Lady Liberty.

The U.S. government has yet to release the exact date of closure but sources say that it will be closed for business by the end of this year. So if you have not yet visited this iconic U.S. landmark and are one of the few that even cares, you might want to hurry up, before it is too late.