NEW YORK, NY – Two South Korean teenagers have won the competition for fastest texters in the world!

The LG Mobile World Cup is an international competition held in New York City every year. Teams from a dozen countries competed yesterday for the top prize of $100,000!

The contest consists of each team copying words and phrases in their native language off of a monitor correctly, with no typos and all the required capitalization and punctuation.

English was used for the countries U.S., Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. Other countries, such as Indonesia, Russia, Mexico and Brazil, used their native tongues.

The 26 finalists were chosen from more than 200,000 entrants in a global text-off that began last May.

The winners of the competition were 17-year-old Bae Yeong Ho and 18-year-old Ha Mok Min, two two teams of Americans taking second and third place. Bae will be saving his $50,000 to study becoming an opera singer, while Ha will put it away for an engineering degree.

NEW YORK, NY – Oliver Stone premiered his new film about Hugo Chavez this weekend, with Chavez as his date. On his program, Glenn Beck exposed the Leftist Hollywood Conspiracy at work.

Beck took the time to decipher the clues of the Hollywood conspiracy to turn America into a socialist regime.  Glenn analyzed photos of Oliver Stone with Chavez on his arm.  The two arrived in an armored gondola that Beck noticed flied its flags on the left hand side.  Citing numerous seemingly innocuous details Beck wrote them down on a board, showing that if you took the third letter from each word it spelled out “Leftist Despooh,” which we can safely assume is the same as a Leftist Despot.

He went on to go over the reception of the crowd.  “What I don’t understand” Beck said “is that if these people love freedom, why did they put up with this.  If all these Italians, and foreigners, and Hollywood Elite, really loved freedom, I mean LOVED freedom, why did they allow a Dictator to show up?”  According to Beck the movie received a standing ovation from the entire crowd.  “Now I’m not saying that the people who saw this movie are planning a Communist Revolution, but until they prove otherwise we have to assume they are.”

He played an audio clip of applause after the film and slowed it down digitally until it clearly said “Down with Capitalism!”  Beck went on assure viewers he had personally removed all speakers in and within one square mile of his studio in case of any Leftist subliminal messages being broadcast.  “We will now have a logo at the bottom of our screen that says we are 110% free of Socialist subliminal messages.  Don’t trust any program, that doesn’t carry that logo.”

Beck concluded his program saying through tears “It couldn’t be more clear America.  Hollywood has joined with Hugo Chavez and together they wish to bring down everything we love about America.  For the sake of your Children, for the sake of America, don’t watch any programming that doesn’t have the 110% Socialist Message Free logo.  Because if Hollywood has their way, we’ll all be living under this: a Leftist Despooh.  Goodnight America.”

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

NEW YORK, NY – Bernard Madoff was sentenced yesterday for committing the biggest ponzi scheme in history.  The courts are insuring he serves as much time as possible.

In a New York court yesterday, a federal judge sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison.  Madoff plead guilty to stealing over $68 billion from his clients, leaving many of them financially destitute.  After initially making a run for it, Madoff was finally brought to justice by friend of the Weekly World News, Bat Boy.  Bat Boy was a key witness in Madoff’s resisting arrest charge, and was in the court room for sentencing.  US District judge Denny Chin said that Madoffs actions were “extraordinarily evil” and that he “will be made an example of” to future white collar criminals.

According to court papers, Bernard Madoff will be kept alive by whatever means necessary to serve his entire 150 year sentence.  When medical science begins to fail and death appears imminent, his body will be cryogenically frozen, to be thawed at a time when he can be treated and made to serve the remainder of his sentence.  Only after his sentence is completed in full will Madoff be allowed to die.

Thanks to a special arrangement between the Federal courts and legal representatives of Hell, Madoff’s suffering will not be limited to this life.  In a deal brokered shortly before sentencing, the court has ensured that upon his death Madoff’s soul will receive special treatment in his own private section of Hades.  Madoff will be sent through washing and drying machines, to remind him of all the money he laundered in life.  Night after night for millennia, he will be washed in scalding water, wrung out and dried with Satan’s undergarments.   During the days he will work as the assistant fry cook at a fast food restaurant, serving angry representatives of those he stole from in life.

Some have argued if this sentencing is extreme, and if the Federal court has any business making deals with the Devil.  In answer to this, Judge Chin said, “He deserves it.”

NEW YORK, NY – A Brooklyn man has been arrested for dressing up as his dead mother to scam the government!

Thomas Prusik-Parkin spent six years impersonating his mother in an elaborate ruse to collect social security checks, rent subsidies and even file a lawsuit against himself. His mother, Irene Prusik, died in 2003, but Thomas gave the funeral home an incorrect Social Security number and birthdate so she would not be registered as deceased.

Thomas then began collecting her $700 a month checks from Social Security. Soon after, “Irene” filed bankruptcy, so Thomas could take in another $39,000 in city subsidies for rent on their apartment.

However, this is only the tip of the iceberg in his fraudulent behavior. Thomas went so far as to sue himself so as to keep his home! In 1996, Irene deeded their Brooklyn home to Thomas. Thomas took out a mortgage to pay for a start-up company that eventually failed. He stopped making mortgage payments, and the house was bought in 2003 by Samir Chopra.

In order to get the house back, Thomas posed as Irene and sued himself, alleging that Thomas forged the 1996 deed transfer. The house was given back to “Irene”, who took out an almost million-dollar mortgage, of which $300,000 in cash went to Thomas.

It was Samir Chopra, the true owner of the house, who tipped the cops off to Thomas’ scheme. Police soon discovered that Thomas had actually been dressing up as his mother and been chaperoned around town by a “nephew”, Mhilton Rimolo, in order to cash checks in Irene’s name and deal with property issues. Mhilton, a friend of Thomas’, has been arrested as well.

Not realizing the police were onto him, Thomas met with investigators over the property dispute, showing up as Irene “wearing a red cardigan, lipstick, manicured nails and breathing through an oxygen tank,” prosecutors said. Since his arrest, he has pleaded not guilty to grand larceny, criminal impersonation and other charges. Both men are being held on $1 million bail.

NEW YORK, NY – Ashrita Furman, a New York City resident, has become the first person to simultaneously hold 100 titles in the Guinness Book of World Records!

Furman earned the 100th simultaneous record by holding a poetry reading in New York’s City Hall Park, where a group of people read “Precious” by Sri Chinmoy in 111 languages.

“It was fun learning about many of these languages — quite a few I never even heard of,” said Furman, who chose Zulu as his language for reading the poem. Furman recruited more than 100 New York friends to recite the poem in their language, beating Hong Kong’s International Social Service who five months ago presented a text in 79 languages.

Furman, 54, has earned over 230 Guinness records in total, but many have since been broken. Furman made his first entry into the Book 30 years ago, by doing 27 000 jumping jacks within 5 hours.

“As a kid I was always fascinated by the Guinness Book of World Records. But I was very unathletic and I never thought I could,” Furman said.

He said taking up meditation helped him find the inner strength to perform feats including eating 38 M&Ms with chopsticks in one minute earlier this year.

“I believe we all have an inner strength that we very rarely use,” Furman said. “I just love the challenge of trying to be the best in the world in something.”

Some records Furman has broken include:

1. Somersaulting 12 miles 390 yards continuously
2. Pogo stick-jumping up 1899 steps of CN Tower, Canada, in 57 min 51secs
3. Most underwater rope jumps in one hour: 900 jumps
4. Largest weight of milk crates balanced on chin: 93lbs 7oz
5. Most grapes caught in the mouth in one minute: 77
6. Fastest lemon peeling and eating: 10.97secs
7. Most eggs crushed with own head in 30secs: 53
8. Most whole garlic cloves eaten in one minute: 13
9. Mile hula hooping: 11min 29sec
10. Balancing tallest pole on chin: 54.6ft

NEW YORK, NY – Wall Street executive Robert Rubin has successfully sued himself for $8 million.

The suit cited Rubin’s managerial incompetence while serving as CEO of Citigroup, a leading banking organization now sharing much of the blame for the financial crisis.

“Mr. Rubin wildly underpriced risk and speculated recklessly,” Mr. Rubin said in a statement.  “Much of our current turmoil stems from this kind of behavior, and it’s time I started sending a message to fat cats like me.”

The language of the settlement legitimizes Mr. Rubin’s grievances with Mr. Rubin, and the seven-figure payoff is a clear signal that those responsible for the crisis will be forced to pay themselves for their misdeeds.

When asked if he felt justice had been served, Mr. Rubin cautioned that more widespread litigation might be called for in a general sense, but affirmed that the settlement was satisfactory to him for the time being.

“This goes a long way towards reestablishing the equilibrium,” he said.  “Mr. Rubin made serious mistakes, and it’s time that Mr. Rubin answered for them, ideally to Mr. Rubin.”

Mr. Rubin added, “That’s what makes this country great.”

NEW YORK, NY – Researchers have been using satellite-aided georgaphical analysis to pinpoint Osama bin Laden’s location, but he may be closer than they think.

A research team at the University of California-Los Angeles has been using nighttime satellite images and hiding-place location probabilities to attempt to find terrorist Osama bin Laden. Their conclusion is that bin Laden is most likely hiding out in Parachinar, a small Pakistani border town. They have even been able to pinpoint three specific compounds he may be living in.

However, Weekly World News has received word from numerous sources that Osama may actually be hiding out in New York City’s Central Park!

Classified documents list numerous witness accounts of seeing a very tall man in a white turban creeping around the wooded areas of the park. He is often seen cackling and drumming his fingers together. When one policeman approached him, he dove into a hole in the ground and disappeared.

The FBI have since discovered a network of tunnels under the park that the man conceivably dug. They have yet to fully explore it.

Will bin Laden be caught on the very land he committed his most heinous crime?

NEW YORK, NY – NBC’s Today Show regretted re-booking right wing pundit, Ann Coulter, after the controversial writer went into overload on live television.

This marks the first time one of the rumored Hate-Monger 3000 androids has outed itself in public.  Coulter, along with Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, has long been suspected of being a robot programmed to spew hate-filled rhetoric into the public discourse.

During the Today Show interview, Coulter was asked why she spends so much time criticizing First-Lady-Elect Michelle Obama’s personal style at a time when America needs real dialogue on the economy and domestic affairs.

Coulter eyes widened and her head made three abrupt jerking motions.  Smoke began billowing from her ears before she began an almost unintelligible rant.

“Liberal bias!  Liars!  Guilty!  Guilty! Guilty!” Coulter yelled.  “Republican victims!  Conspiracies!”

The rant, laden with censorship bleeps, was cut off as Today Show hosts Matt Lauer and Ann Curry quickly took the show to commercial.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like that,” Today Show veteran Willard Scott said in his Smuckers Birthday Wishes segment of the program.  “I’m out here wishing happy birthday to century year old ladies that make more sense than that broad.”

“She may be prettier than a sun-tanned turkey laying face up on the bright side of the pig pen, but that woman just doesn’t make any sense!  And a happy 101st Birthday to Ida Mae Simmons of Grand Rapids, Michigan!”

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy rang in the New Year the only way he knows how: with good-natured mischief.

Continuing with tradition, Times Square hosted the annual New Year’s Eve ball drop, in which a time ball is lowered down a pole during the last minute of the year.

This year, the redesign of the ball doubled it’s size, making more than enough room for our favorite little mutant to take a ride!

Security noticed a dark figure clinging to the back of the ball around 11:51PM. They quietly attempted to get him down by using chocolate covered mosquitoes as bait, but Bat Boy was on a mission.

When the clock hit 11:59PM, the ball began it’s slow descent and Bat Boy scrambled onto the top. He raised his arms in triumph and sent high-pitched squeaks ringing across Times Square.

The cameras attempted to film only the lower-half of the ball to keep his victory pose out of the shot.

As the ball stopped and 2009 began, amid the chaos, confusion and confetti erupting through Times Square, Bat Boy was able to slip away, avoiding police apprehension.

The NYPD has not yet released a statement on whether they will issue a warrant for his arrest.