CHARLESTON, WV – It’s that time of year again, when people across the country are making resolutions for the new year.

The Weekly World News brings you a list of this year’s resolutions from America’s Favorite Mutant, Bat Boy.

1.  Don’t get arrested. Bat Boy has a long history with the law.  In years past bat Boy has stolen a car, led authorities on a multi-state high speed chase, and prompted the dispatching of the National Guard.  Usually he commits these felonies without meaning to.  While currently he is only wanted in 4 states, those states are out of the way and easy to avoid.

2.  Always say ‘Please’.

3.  Stop breaking into the White House. Bat Boy has broken into the White House 7 times since the Obamas took office.  Typically it is because he wants to play catch with the President, or see if Sasha and Malia can come out to play.  One time it was to see Michelle Obama because he had a bad dream.

4.  Don’t drive. Bat Boy is only a child, yet on several occasions he has been found behind the wheel of a car, usually to disastrous results.  This year Bat Boy is making a pledge to not panic and think before he solves a situation by getting into whatever car is closest and driving away.

5.  Watch his diet. Being a half bat mutant, Bat Boy only eats mosquitoes.  Last month he gave himself a bad tummy ache from eating too many chocolate covered mosquitoes at once.  In the coming year he hopes to remember that chocolate covered mosquitoes are just a sometimes food.

6.  Clean out the cave more. No one is actually expecting the little mutant boy to live up to this one, but it’s worth a try.

7.  Stop rereading the Twilight series.  Bat Boy is a huge Twilight fan.  He has read his personal copies of the books more than a dozen times.  He recognizes he needs to stop doing that so much.

8.  Don’t be scared of the Pope. For some reason one of the few things that frightens the mutant child is the Pope.  For some reason the combination of old man, shiny costumes, and big hats scares Bat Boy to no end.  In the coming year he hopes to remember that the Pope is just a nice old man, and not run screaming from pictures of him.

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.