NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy rang in the New Year the only way he knows how: with good-natured mischief.

Continuing with tradition, Times Square hosted the annual New Year’s Eve ball drop, in which a time ball is lowered down a pole during the last minute of the year.

This year, the redesign of the ball doubled it’s size, making more than enough room for our favorite little mutant to take a ride!

Security noticed a dark figure clinging to the back of the ball around 11:51PM. They quietly attempted to get him down by using chocolate covered mosquitoes as bait, but Bat Boy was on a mission.

When the clock hit 11:59PM, the ball began it’s slow descent and Bat Boy scrambled onto the top. He raised his arms in triumph and sent high-pitched squeaks ringing across Times Square.

The cameras attempted to film only the lower-half of the ball to keep his victory pose out of the shot.

As the ball stopped and 2012 began, amid the chaos, confusion and confetti erupting through Times Square, Bat Boy was able to slip away, avoiding police apprehension.

The NYPD has not yet released a statement on whether they will issue a warrant for his arrest.

NEW YORK – MTV won’t be able to drop Snooki in Times Square, so she will be dropped on the  Jersey Shore.

In a tragic New Year’s Eve development, there wasn’t room for Snooki in Times Square this New Year’s Eve. MTV’s plan to put “Jersey Shore” star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi inside a ball to drop from the network’s Times Square headquarters has been dropped after an objection by the group that oversees the world-famous celebration.

But Snooki will still drop in as part of “The MTV New Year’s Bash.” Her stunt has been relocated to Seaside Heights, N.J., according to Diane Stabley, borough clerk for the Jersey shore town made famous as the setting for MTV’s hit reality show.

“Like the ball that drops in Times Square, there’s going to be a Snooki ball,” Stabley said Thursday. She said an MTV network crew was in town to pre-tape the spectacle Thursday night.

“We love our Times Square home,” MTV said in a statement confirming the change of venue, “and while we’re disappointed there won’t be a Snooki ball drop there, she cannot be denied!”

Snooki was sent packing earlier in the week by the Times Square Alliance, whose annual gala includes the century-old tradition of dropping its own illuminated ball at the stroke of midnight.

“It was never intended or requested for Snooki to be in the actual New Year’s Eve Ball in Times Square,” said Alice McGillion, the group’s spokeswoman. “The request to have her in a separate ball on a set-back roof came too late and was too impractical to fit in to our outdoor events.”

The Discovery Channel has inked a deal with Snooki for New Year’s Day.   She will be dropped into the Atlantic Ocean in thermal body suit covered in blood.  They will see if they can attract some winter sharks.  It will be part of nest summer’s Shark Week special.

MTV’s 90-minute New Year’s Eve special will be at their Times Square studios, with other “Jersey Shore” stars expected to lead the multitudes in a collective fist pump in hopes of setting a world record.

Be sure to watch the Jersey Girl drop us into 2011!

The program airs Friday at 10:30 p.m. EST.

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..

Dude Dating with J-Train: New Year’s Eve

Q. Train, trying to figure out New Year’s Eve. I’m a single guy looking to have fun but I’m also looking for that “special someone” to smooch (or bang) at midnight. Any ideas? – Ralph Furley, Santa Monica, CA

New Year’s Eve: Amateur Night. The night where every guy in the world drinks too much and tries to make a move on anything that can walk upright. The night where you stand with your new date, in the freezing cold, because old people stay out past 8 and you can’t get a cab. The night where you both sober up in a diner and realize each of you looked a lot better before – when her mascara wasn’t running; when he wasn’t trying to put the ‘loaded’ fries appetizer on top of his chicken parm sub. The night where, despite everything that was just mentioned, you end up sleeping with someone anyway (I mean literally “sleeping with” since your Dong is more numb than your leg after an hour on the pooper thanks to all of that champagne). It’s beautiful, it’s sad, it’s disappointing, and it’s New Year’s.  A game plan for New Year’s depends on your relationship status, here are some suggestions:

Single Guy

If you took a poll, you would find that the second most disappointing holiday for Single Americans under 30 is New Year’s Eve, right after Arbor Day. It lacks the peaceful nostalgia of Christmas, the fantasy fun of Halloween, and the singularly focused drunkenness of St. Patty’s; NYE tries to be all these things and ends up failing on every counts. So forget the hotel parties, the dinners, the fancy packages; too many couples, too many people trying too hard. Set your bar low and do what everyone forgets to on NYE: just have fun. Get three of your friends together, pick the cheapest bar package you can find and get after it. You can be sure to find something sprawled over one of the booths of your local dive bar to try and tongue. Use the night as an open mic for bar pickups, and if you fail, the bar will be so crowded you can find someone else to creep out. If you don’t get the girl, at least you’ll know which pick-up lines not to use in 2011. When you wake up with a smile on your face, your penis in your left hand, pizza in your right, and a funny hat on, you will thank me. Congratulations, you’re more knowledgeable about your pick-up prowess in 2011 then you were in 2010.
Dating A Few Months Guy

Big night for you. Gotta impress. Obviously you need to go to a place that’s a little nicer than that pig farm Single Guy (see above) and his bros are hanging around. This is a great night to show you know how to rock. Splurge for your tickets, somewhere with a little more exclusivity where you can actually get a decent drink in under an hour. Bring a group, and let her know that sex is out of the question for the night, because you plan on not feeling anything from the waist down – except when you hit that dance floor. Again, make NYE about your own fun, and everyone else will follow suit. I know you just started dating, but the more you self-consciously worry about whether she’s having a good time, the less fun you’ll both have. And then, of course, make New Years day a better than average Sunday, with brunch, a couple mimosas, and maybe even some gentle petting. Of your penis.
Long Term Relationship Guy

You’re much fatter than you were a year ago when you guys first got together, so forget about an upscale package where you need to dress up. Those clothes stopped fitting months ago. Get a bunch of couples together for a dinner at an OK restaurant (at least you’re doing what you now do best: eating) – most places will offer a decent prix fixe for $75 – $100. The beauty of this is you can still feel like you’re a part of the NYE celebration – you’re out, you’re drinking – but you’re not herded into a cheesy bar package where you have to shout to have a conversation.

Let the wine flow and see where this leads. Who knows if your friends are the types to get a little weird? You could end up in a risqué game of Pictionary later where somehow, you’re touching a boob that isn’t your girlfriends and she’s touching an ass that isn’t 30 pounds heavier than last year. Everybody wins.
Basically Married Guy (And you know who you are)

Nights like these have no use for you. You’ll just sit in the corner anyway, talking about what it was like to be young and what 401k contributions you make. Stay in and write your vows. Maybe get a jump on your taxes. Maybe catch up on the last few episodes of Bones that you DVR’d. I don’t know. Shut up. No one cares.

Bottom line, its New Year’s; don’t try to make it something it isn’t. Treat it as another night out, just one where you’re willing to spend a little more. HAVE SOME FUN, and if you can find yourself a light-up dance floor – well, friend, 2011 is going to be a great year. I hope it starts with a bang (and I mean sex).

You’re welcome,

Train

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

Scientists discover that the New Years Eve blue moon was caused by an angelic pool party!

Revelers around the world enjoyed a rare blue moon last night while ringing in the new year.  However, scientists researching the rare phenomena discovered that it was caused by an an angelic pool party.  High powered telescopes revealed angels frolicking on a moon that had been covered in water!  Below is an photograph taken from a passing satellite.

Scientists have been thrown for a loop.  Never before has modern science caught glimpses of angels throwing a party.  Suddenly the surface of the moon was  covered with water that the entire angelic host was playing in.  At some point between 4 and 5 am, just as quickly as it had appeared, the angels and the water vanished leaving the moon as dry and lonely as it was before.

Religious scholars are eagerly dissecting images from the event.  Squirt guns, inflatable rafts, and bikinis were seen on angelic messengers of all distinctions.  A redirected weather satellite caught footage of a squirt gun fight between cherubim and seraphim.  Gabriel the Archangel was seen keeping order, and if an angel got too rowdy he would smack them with a pool noodle.  While it has always been a matter of ecumenical debate how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, we now have photographic evidence of how many angels it takes to do a keg stand: 3.

Most scholars now agree that the rare blue moon is a visual side effect caused by the angelic host being given a night off for a lunar pool party.  Last night’s event just happened to be timed while most of the globe was also celebrating to ring in the new year.  Unfortunately all of the world’s guardian angels were also busy at the pool party while most of the globe was drinking last night, which explains the unusually high number of accidents reported around the world.

The End of the World may be coming, and Weekly World News knows what you need to look out for!

A new year is almost upon is, and so is the end of times.  With a fond look back at life as we have known it, we now look forward to predictions of what we might expect when the end of the world comes.

Biblical scholars agree that signs hidden throughout the Bible would put the end of the world at the year 2000.  With the end of the world now years overdue it could come at any moment.  Although scholars also agree that God would likely end the world in time with the resetting of the calender year purely out of good manners.

Should the end of the world come several key signs will let people know that it is about to happen.  Noteworthy on the list of portents are the seas beginning to boil, the moon turning to blood, and the dead rising from their graves.  Climate scientists have documented that ocean temperatures are rising drastically.  Though they are nowhere near a boil, the oceans could feasibly be set on fire with all the pollutants now found in them.  Tonight’s lunar conditions are exceptionally rare for a new years eve, with a very full and blue moon.  Should this suddenly change to red would be atmospherically unpredictable, but an excellent light show to herald in the end of days.  A rising of the dead, if taken out of the literal context, could mean many things.  Zombies are dominating the landscapes of many comic books right now, and it is possible that Biblical prophets were looking into a comic book store without knowing it.  Other interpretations point towards Hugh Hefner, and the “raising” of a man who should be dead.  Zombie enthusiasts are eagerly hoping that the dead literally rise from the ground, and soon.  The Zombie Survival Society is anxious to put its theories into practice and are already preparing for an attempt to survive an zombie plague.

Most notable in the Christian signs of the Apocalypse is the coming of the Anti Christ.  As foretold in the book of Revelations the Anti Christ will come, born of the eternal sea (the world of politics), to bring suffering to the world.  But before he can do that Jesus will show up to defend the Christ family name.  One book of the  Apocrypha, the book of Levi, refers to a one on one fight between the Son of God and the Son of Satan over who will rule in the end of times.  Though ancient the book describes what sounds like a boxing match, where the two deities will assume human form and settle their differences with fisticuffs.

Should the Anti Christ win this pugilistic duel, Jesus will take all of his followers directly to heaven leaving the world and all disbelievers in the hands of the Anti Christ.  The Anti Christ will then create a One World government to carry out his evil, which contemporary scholars and most of Arkansas agrees would look much like Sweden.  The Anti Christ will reign over a world with free health care and legalized prostitution from then on for all time.

Should the world end tonight at midnight, or not, everyone here at the Weekly World News wishes you a very Happy New Year.

NEW YORK, NY – The world will be seeing a blue moon this New Year’s Eve!

A blue moon is the rare occurrence of having two full moons in one calendar month. They tend to occur once every two-and-a-half years.

Come Thursday, this will be the first time a blue moon has occurred on New Year’s Eve since 1990! Scientists are telling New Year’s celebrants to enjoy it, as it won’t happen again until 2028.

Despite the name, the moon does not actually appear blue. The name seems to have come from a few sources. The earliest recorded use dates back to a pamphlet from 1528, which criticizes English clergymen. The phrase reads, “If they say the moon is blue, we must believe that it is true.”

In another instance, the Catholics identified the Lent Moon when calculating the days for Lent and Easter. If the moon came too early, they called it “betrayer moon”, or belewe moon.

Even in the Farmer’s Almanac, moon scheduling is very important. Every season generally has three full moons. If a season had four, the third full moon was called a blue moon.

There has been a handful of instances when the moon actually appeared blue, such as after the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883 filled the sky with ash, but these were never associated with a 13th full moon.

During your New Year’s Eve celebrations, make sure to look up at the full moon. You may see a red full moon from all the fireworks smoke in the sky!

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.