CAMDEN, NJ – Bon Jovi died last Friday and then… he rose again!

Reports of his death have NOT been exaggerated.  Last Friday, 49-year-old rocker Jon Bon Jovi was the died of a massive heart attack.  BJ fans around the world fell into a deep depression, with many women being rushed to the hospital with sympathetic heart failure.

But a miracle happened!  Last night, Bon Jovi rose again – fully as himself.  Bon Jovi was found in New Jersey standing by a Christmas tree.

And what is that sign he is holding.  Well, here’s a close-up:

Yes!  Bon Jovi has confirmed what many religious scholars have been saying for the last ten years – heaven is in New Jersey.

“I died and when I got to heaven, it looked exactly like the Vince Lombardi service stop on the NJ Turnpike.  It was amazing,” Bon Jovi reportedly said.

Bon Jovi went on to say that he woke up his bed and now… he never wants to leave New Jersey.  “New Jersey is the most peaceful, beautiful place on earth.  I can never leave.  I will live and die and rise again here.”

Here he is Living On  Prayer in New Jersey:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_mRvCer9Yc&2=480&l=385]

CAMDEN – The dazzling display of aurora light that happens every year over New Jersey – amazed skywatchers once again!

Every October, skywatchers travel from all over North America, Canada and Sweden and come to New Jersey to catch the most amazing display of aurora light.  And this year was no different.  ”It was real cool,” said Jersey housewife, Teresa Giudice.  ”I love lights and sky and color.  So, yeah it was nice.  Jersey is the best.”

Monday night (Oct. 24), the Jersey sky was painted with with striking green and even rare red hues.

The aurora display, also known as the northern lights, or the Jersey Lights, was touched off by a wave charged particles unleashed by a massive sun storm on Saturday, which took two days to reach Earth, according to the Space Weather Prediction Center operated by the National Weather Service and NOAA.

“These were the most vibrant I’ve ever seen,”  New Jersey skywatcher Sal Fiori of  Bayonne told WWN. “I was also able to see red with my naked eye, which I’ve never seen before either.  It blew my freakin’ mind.”

Governor Chris Christie missed the event because he was judging a cannoli eating contest in Sea Girt.  But he heard that it was beautiful.  ”Yeah, everything is beautiful in Jersey.   And no, I’m not running for President.  But maybe I am.”

Pulitzer Prize winning photographer Susan Begley of Morristown  expected a good aurora light show, but was surprised by the sheer brilliance of Monday night’s light show.

“I’d taken a few pics, went back to the car to change lenses, and when I looked up the sky was on fire,” Begley said. “To the north there was this huge curtain that sent beams overhead to a corona in which I had to turn to the south to photograph. That’s when I noticed the reds and pinks starting to happen. From there the lights were every which direction. It was hands down the best Jersey Lights I’ve ever seen.  I think I saw a double rainbow, too.”

“Hands down the most amazing northern lights display that I have ever witnessed,” said Chuck Bench of Red Bank. “It was like I was looking at heaven.”  Chuck’s wife later told WW that Chuck was asleep on the couch during the Jersey Lights.  ”He’s a slob,” she said.

There’s still time to catch some of this year’s Jersey Lights.   They should be visible for the rest of the month.

PATERSON, NJ  -  Chris Christie and Barack Obama inked a deal to play Abbott & Costello in a remake of a classic film – Abbott & Costello meet Frankenstein.

This weekend President Barack Obama flew to New Jersey to survey the flood damage.    He was met at the airport by New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.  The two men immediately hit it off.

“It was like they were best friends their whole lives,” said a source closet to President Obama.  “They both love Earth, Wind & Fire, they’re both lawyers and they both love junk food.  They were like ‘brothers from a different mother.’”

Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein was also with the two political leaders and he immediately saw the cinematic potential of the two men working together on-screen.  He told them they should play Abbott & Costello in a movie.

The two men immediately took to the idea and they stood up and did the “Who’s On First” skit, which surprisingly both men had memorized.

Chris Christie is the perfect portly size to play Lou Abbott and Barack Obama is slim enough, and tall enough, to be Bud  Costello.    Abbott is described usually as  dumb and happy and Costello is clever and sly.  They are perfect.

“It was amazing to watch them together,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary. Chris Christie does a dead-on impersonation of Lou Abbott and Barack Obama just kills as his straight man.

Weinstein signed both men up for a remake of the classic film, “Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.”  The men agreed to the terms quickly.   “The only part of the deal where there was some conflict was about the role of Frankenstein.  “Christie wanted George Soros to play Frankenstein, and Barack Obama wanted Rush Limbaugh to play Frankenstein.”  In the end they settled on Justin Bieber for the role.  “They want to have full star power for the movie,” Weinstein said.

Weinstein said the film won’t start shooting until both men have more time – which he speculated would be in February 2013.

Christie and Obama are already in meetings about their new roles.

NEW JERSEY – Horny young men with no ambition fear for their survival with news of the extinction of the eastern cougar.

What was once a thriving species of rich older women preying on strapping young men, known as cubbies or cubs, is now no more. Wealthy divorced and perpetually single women ranging in ages from 35 to 55, known as cougars, were once in abundant supply in major U.S. cities along the eastern seaboard. However, results from the 2010 Census have revealed that the eastern cougar is now completely extinct.

New Jersey was once the main breeding ground of the species. However, due to the ongoing financial crisis, many women that were once considered to be cougars have disappeared. With their 401k accounts completely bottomed out and several without work, most were unable to keep up with their Botox and plastic surgery allowing them to maintain their “youthful” appearance. This lack of necessary maintenance and financial liquidity has caused many of them to fall out of the cougar category being downgraded to middle-aged woman.

The last known cougar was last spotted in Short Hills, NJ. But when her net worth fell went into the red, rendering her unable to fund future hunts and surgeries, a cougar she was no more.

The closest kin to cougars that can be found in the east are located in sanctuaries in southern Florida, also known as nursing homes.  However, field researchers say that due to their age, these women are not actually cougars but better classified as jaguars. And although most jaguars are found in sanctuaries, occasionally a jaguar is spotted living in the wild, often assisted by a Haitian caretaker.

As a result of the extinction, a mass exodus of cougar hunters or safarists, young men that seek cougars, has occurred in major eastern cities that were once heavily populated by cougars. Along with New Jersey, New York and Atlanta have seen a drop in the population of young, cougar seeking men. Most of these men have headed for the west coast to seek the last remaining North American cougars. All of these men have avoided south Florida stating that the jaguar population is “just too weird” for them.

“I have my standards you know,” said Chip an accomplished cougar hunter who claims to have captured over 37 cougars in just one months time, “past 50 is just too old for me. It doesn’t matter how much money she has.”

Who knows what will become of the cougar population throughout the rest of the nation. But if things do not come under control fast and soon, ABC’s smash hit Cougar Town may be better suited for the National Geographic Channel before you know it.

SOUTH BEACH, Miami – The Jersey Devil is spotted taking a break from the harsh NJ winter.

Legend has it that after springing from the loins of a 19^th century whore, the Jersey Devil immediately spread its wings and took flight. After soaring through the skies looking for a home, the wretched beast finally settled down in the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey. Until now, the Jersey Devil has been a reclusive creature not venturing out into public with much frequency. The creature’s reclusiveness is largely due to the repeated accusations that it continually kills livestock in the region.

“Them devils er ornery lil rascals, always killin’ ma livestock!” exclaimed Joe Headley, a farmer from southern NJ that raises cattle, reindeer and alpaca.

But now it seems that the Jersey Devil, or JD as he likes to be called, has broken free form the hermit lifestyle. Like many other snow birds, he has taken refuge in the sunshine state for the reminder of the season, avoiding the rest of this year’s harsh New Jersey winter.

JD has recently been spotted vacationing in Miami’s hot spot, South Beach. Several accounts have been reported of a large winged bipedal creature, with a horse-like head and hooves for feet gallivanting about South Beach’s Lincoln Road. Many believe that JD decided to travel to this tropical oasis because most of south Florida’s residents have never even heard of the Jersey Devil, much less know about its sorted past.

“I’ve never heard of the Jersey Devil,” slurred Ashley Bonita, a regular South Beach party girl, as she swayed drunkenly twirling her hair between her fingers, “Where’s Jersey anyway? LOL!”

And although JD has an ominous presence and repugnant foul smell, no one has seemed to mind him loitering about on the strip and the ladies of South Beach just cannot seem to get enough of him. Several party girls have been flocking to have their photos taken with the mythical beast.

“Sure, JD’s a little different, really hairy, kinda smelly and has terribly ugly feet, but have you seen the abs on him? Wow!”

It has been rumored that JD has been having so much fun on his vacation that he may make south Florida his permanent residence.

NEW JERSEY -  Donna Simpson is closing in on her quest to be The World’s Fattest Woman!

Donna Simpson, a hero to fat woman around the globe (including Oprah Winfrey), is closing in on her dream to be the fattest woman in the world.  She ate  50,000 calories on Christmas day -getting her that much closer to her 1,000lb goal.

She’s tipping the scales now at close to 720 lbs. She usually sits in a metal chair but on Christmas she busted out the concrete reinforced chair.  The chair weighted 250 pounds.

She spent two straight hours eating her Christmas dinner.  The single mother-of-two ripped into two 35lb turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 25lbs of potatoes (15 lbs roast, 10lbs mashed), seven loaves of bread, nine pounds of herb stuffing, four pints of gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing and an astonishing 30lbs of vegetables.

And she didn’t even break a sweat.

Donna’s ate50,000 calories in her two-hour Christmas feast — as much as many people eat over the course of three weeks.

After polishing off her enormous main course, she still had plenty of room for dessert and ate a ‘salad’ made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies.

Donna’s two children, Devin, 14, and Jacqueline, three, enjoyed a more modest feast. The 5’2 Donna defended her big fat meal, saying: ‘I eat as much as I want, whenever I want but at this time of year I really go all out.

Donna, who insists she is healthy, told WWN:  “People who feel guilty about eating are hilarious. And stupid.  Thin people are stupid.”  She said she has started a non-profit organization that helps fight anorexia, bulimia and supports women who want to become morbidly obese.  “All our members have the same goal:  we want to be forklifted out of our house.”

Donna hopes to one day be the Guinness World Record holder for fattest woman. She is already on the books as the world’s fattest mother, having given birth to Jacqueline in 2007 when she weighed 576 pounds.

She makes a living from being fat, getting paid to make public appearances and keeping a website where people can pay to watch her eat.  Some even pay for a close up of her chewing.

WHAT SHE ATE
2 portions of 35lb oven roasted turkeys
2 portions of 25lb maple glazed hams
10lbs of roast potatoes
15lbs of mashed potatoes
15lbs of chopped carrots
5lbs of sweetcorn
5lbs of roasted butternut squash
15 parcels of house-baked bread
8 pints of cranberry relish
8 pints of home-made gravy
10 lbs of herbed stuffing
1 tray of mixed green salad including salad dressing.
CALORIE TOTAL: 50,000

Already a Guinness world record holder for being the largest woman to ever give birth, Donna hopes to gain 350 pounds more and officially become the fattest woman in the world.

She got the Guinness World Record as  the world’s fattest mother, when she gave birth in 2007 weighing 505 pounds.

She needed a team of 30 medics to deliver her daughter Jacqueline during a high-risk Caesarean birth.  Afterward, she bought each of the medics 200 hundred Big Macs.

Donna met Jacqueline’s father Philippe on a dating site for plus-size people, even though he weighed only 150 pounds.

He supported her 12,000-calorie a day diet and was a ‘belly man’ who loved her enormous shape.   Philippe is known as a Fat Belly Addict.

When she  was 19 she met her first husband, who worked as a chef at a steak restaurant. “He worked night shifts and would come home at 2 or 3am and bring the leftovers with him,’ she said.

We’d stay up and eat huge piles of steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy with butter. ‘I started gaining weight quickly and my husband liked it. ‘He said I was sexier when I was bigger, and I felt happier too.’

When she was 27, Donna weighed 300 pounds, and became pregnant with her eldest son, Devin. Her marriage ended soon after and she turned to food for comfort.

By the age of 31, she weighed 390 pounds and decided to try and lose weight. She lost 75 pounds in six months and was due to have a gastric band operation.

But just before she was due to go under the knife, her friend died during a similar operation.

‘That was a sign for me,’ she said. ‘I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I like being the way I am.’

Donna, then 400 pounds , came across a website which celebrated morbidly obese women.  When she admitted her real size, Donna was flooded with emails from men.

‘They sent me gifts through the post, like protein shakes to help me put on weight faster,’ she said.

And she’s unrepentant of her weight-gain goal, despite risking her own life in the process.

‘I love eating and people love watching me eat,’ she said.

‘It makes people happy, and I’m not harming anyone.’

HACKENSACK -  The blizzard attracts The Abominable Snowman to New Jersey!
The Yeti, commonly referred to as The Abominable Snowman, is normally thought to inhabit the mountainous regions of Asia. However, but due to Snowpocalypse the Yeti has come to Hackensack, New Jersey.

Many speculate that the species left its native Asia years ago due to humans encroaching on its territory and has since traveled across the Bering Strait seeking refuge in North America. Sightings, until now, have been seen as far east as Redwater, Canada.

“It is a popular misconception that there is only one yeti. The same misconception is applied to bigfoot,” explains renowned cryptozoologist Dr. Simon Higenbottom. “How would we be able to have continued sightings if there was only one?”

Dr. Higenbottom further confirmed that not only do many yetis exist but that their mating season is in the fall and winter as well.

The conditions of today’s blizzard are the ideal environments for the yeti mating rituals as the yeti relies on its sense of smell to find other yeti. The high winds associated with a blizzard aid the yeti in finding a suitable mate.

Bill Hunter, of Hackensack, happened to be at the right place at just the right time to capture this picture of the ever allusive yeti mating ritual.

“It was the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. The sound was terribly disturbing and the smell, it was, it was…sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little from thinking about that putrid smell,” stated Mr. Hunter.

Dr. Higenbottom will be interviewing Mr. Hunter and several others who were lucky enough to witness the mating of the yeti to help further his studies. Higenbottom hopes to have a paper published on the mating rituals of the yeti in the journal Cryptozoology Today in the coming months.

There’s Yeti Love in New Jersey!

[PHOTOS taken by BOY  MACK]

EGG HARBOR – Several women saw a man fall from the sky on the Jersey Shore.   They got a situation.

Police began a search in Egg Harbor Township, N.J. after multiple witnesses claimed that they saw a man free fall from the sky.

Three employees at a veterinarian’s office in Egg Harbor Township, NJ say they saw a man fall from the sky on Tuesday.  He had no parachute.  He just fell from the sky into some nearby trees.

An exhaustive search has turned up nothing. All three employees of the veterinarian’s office were single women in their 40s, so some Egg Harbor police are speculating that maybe the women were fantasizing a bit too much at work.

“We absolutely saw him!  He fell from the sky into the trees,” said Gina Bonacci.  The Egg Harbor police scrambled the Egg Harbor Helicopter, but they found nothing.  No trees seemed to be disturbed.  No branches were broken.  No bodies were impaled on a fence.  But, it was the first time the Egg Harbor Helicopter was used and there are numerous reports that the pilot had “a blast.”

Later in the afternoon, the women saw another man fall from the sky. This time he had “bigger muscles and cute, wavy blond hair.  He looked like Fabio,”  said Teresa Fiori of Egg Harbor.  At the end of the day two other men – both “bad boys” – fell into the trees.

Police immediately contacted the cast of Jersey Shore to see if these falling men were a publicity stunt.  Snooki and The Situation denied any involvement with the falling men, but liked the idea so much that may try it on next season’s show.   The Real Housewives of New Jersey were also contacted, but they were too busy beating Danielle Staub with PVC pipes.  “Look, we don’t have any friggin’ time for dropping men on Egg Harbor, we gotta take care of this bitch first,” said Caroline Manzo as she clubbed Staub with a stromboli.

Here’s the original news report about the first man who dropped from the sky.

The South Jersey community of Egg Harbor has issued a Code Red for its citizens.  It might start raining men again, so they are encouraged to stand in door jambs as much as possible.

“I’m praying a man falls from the sky into my backyard.  I haven’t been able to find anyone on Match.com,” said Emily Spizziri, 26, a longtime resident.  In related news, women from across New Jersey have been planning their weekend getaways to Egg Harbor.

Rumors that money is growing on trees in Egg Harbor is false.  Though it may be true.

Might as well start singing ladies:

ATLANTIC CITY -  On the reunion show of Real Housewives of New Jersey, two feuding housewives pull knives on each other!

The Wild Women of New Jersey are back.  The second season finale of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” aired last Monday, but tonight, Bravo unveils Part 1 of their two-episode reunion, filmed in Atlantic City in early August.  Based on an advanced copy of the reunion that Bravo sent over to WWN, the finale is explosive… and dealdly

At one point in the finale the certified Crazy Lady of Wayne (Danielle Staub) takes on the Godmother of Franklin Lakes (Caroline Manzo).  They get into screaming match and Bravo executive host Andy Cohen tries to step in between them. But Teresa Guidice shoves Cohen out-of-the-way as Manzo pulls out a knife.

Staub was ready for her, and pulled out her own knife.  They slashed at each other for  a few minutes. Then Staub’s  wimpy goon friend, rushes on stage with his blow-dry hair and starts throwing wimpy punches.   He punched Guidice in her left breast implant and there was an minor explosion on the set.  One Bravo cameraman was injured.

Bravo cut the part with the cutting, but we can only image what happened.  Atlantic City Police rushed to the site and several ambulances were seen outside.   WWN learned that Caroline Manzo was taken to United Hospital with lacerations on her ams and legs.

Teresa Giudice repeatedly shouted, “Bitch, I’m gonna pin you down!” at Danielle Staub, during the fight.  Wanna-be “Housewife” Kim Granatell (Kim G.) also made an appearance, kicking Staub numerous times.   Kim G. (who has played both sides of the feud) also kicked Guidice and Manzo.  Many speculate that Kim G. wants to be “the evil one” on the third season of the show.

From her hospital bed, Manzo said, “I defend my family, I defend my honor, I defend myself.”  Manzo promised to “get that bitch no matter what.”  Meanwhile, Staub is back in her house preparing for her tour as a rock goddess (see below).

The husbands of the Real Housewives- as per usual – stood off to the side drinking lite beer.  Bravo has denied that the knife fight took place, but sources in Franklin Lakes tell WWN that the fight started in Atlantic City and then continued back in town.  There’s an official war going on in Bergen County.

The Sopranos are nothing compared to the Real Housewives of NJ.

If you see a NJ Housewife… run for you life!!  Especially if she’s singing like this:

CHERRY HILL, NJ – A small two-passenger plane made an emergency landing – on the New Jersey Turnpike!

A single-engine plane was forced to make an emergency landing after the low oil pressure indicator went off. As the plane was being use to provide traffic reports to Philadelphia’s KYW-AM and KYW-TV, it was flying directly over the New Jersey Turnpike.

With nowhere else flat enough to land on, the plane was forced to use the turnpike as a runway!

Authorities say the two people aboard were not injured, however the plane immediately caused massive delays for the traffic it was originally reporting on!

Check out video of the plane below: