NEVADA – Prostitutes in Nevada are campaigning for Ron Paul and they are holding fundraising events at the Bunny Ranch.

Prostitutes at Nevada’s famed legal brothel, the “Bunny Ranch,” are endorsing GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul in the hopes that the Libertarian candidate will advance the push for legalized prostitution nationwide. To this end, Bunny Ranch staff have created a “Pimpin’ for Paul” program in which their male customers can donate money to the Paul campaign, in addition to the fee for, well, services rendered.

Here’s Brooke Taylor, one of Paul’s tireless supporters:

The women, along with their manager, explained why legalized prostitution is far healthier than the black market variety. While they are indeed Americans exercising their freedom to support the primary candidate of their choosing, getting the Paul camp to accept said donations is another story entirely.

Newt Gingrich had lobbied heavily to get the support of  the prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch.  He spent three nights with Wendy Martin (pictured below), trying to earn her support.  Ultimately she decided to back Paul, but Gingrich wasn’t unhappy with her.  In fact, reports are that Gingrich has plans to “visit” her again in the near future.

Watch a few of these Paul supporters share their thoughts:

SOUTHERN NEVADA  – Dennis Hof, of Cathouse fame, has opened a new brothel that features sex with aliens.

The reality television star and outspoken sex merchant recently bought a rundown bordello 90 miles northwest of Las Vegas and unveiled plans to renovate and reopen it with a science fiction theme.   There will be girls dressed in “sci-fi” costumes, but if you have enough money, you can have sex with a female (alien.

He is calling it Alien Cathouse and promising “girls from another world.”

Hof purchased the brothel and adjacent gas station, bar and convenience store on U.S. Highway 95 from notorious longtime Nye County brothel owner Maynard “Joe” Richards.

The store is being rebranded as the Area 51 Alien Travel Center and will feature its own line of merchandise emblazoned with little green men and women.

It’s all an attempt to cash in on the property’s location just south of the federal installation formerly known as the Nevada Test Site — though nowhere near the actual Area 51.

Hof, whose Moonlite Bunny Ranch east of Carson City is the setting for a long-running HBO reality show, expanded his adult empire into Southern Nevada last year when he bought Richards’ two brothel properties in the tiny town of Crystal, north of Pahrump.

With his latest acquisition, Hof now holds five brothel licenses, the most ever by a single owner. He hopes to add one or two more in the near future.

Where did Hof get the alien prostitutes?

He’s not saying, but a representative from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrial, Jose Quintero, said that the U.N. has an agreement with Hof to help “bridge relations” with aliens from the Planet Zeeba.  “These aliens are here to help heal our planet, and they want to do anything they can to  help us.  Zeebans are peaceful beings.”

The Alien Cathouse is expected to open for business in a month, and there are only two appointments left for sex with the aliens.

The only glitch… The FBI will be taking names of all U.S. citizens that have sex with aliens.  “The government needs to keep records in case there are any inter-species diseases.”

Will the female aliens use protection?  “They don’t need to,” said Hof.    He wouldn’t elaborate on his answer.

Hof said that the sex at Alien Cathouse will “out of this world” and thinks once the word gets out… he’ll become “the best place in the world for a man to have sex.”

WWN is sending Hideaki Tailor to Alien Cathouse for an in-depth report.

BLACK ROCK CITY – The Obamas are going to Burning Man to celebrate the President’s 50th Birthday and extend their vacation.

Michelle and Barack Obama will leave the kids and fly to Black Rock City, Nevada on August 29th to attend the Burning Man Festival – for the second year in a row.  And why not?  It’s the best way for the President to celebrate his 50th birthday – which is August 3rd.

Burning Man is an annual art event and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance. It is  held on an ancient lakebed in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.  There is a gigantic expansion of temporary structures, with more than 40,000 “burners-in-residence.”  The biggest draw is the hundreds of strange activities going at any given moment.  “It’s just like the White House,”  said President Obama.

The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance, but the fact is there’s a lot of… sex and drugs.  Michelle and Barack both intend on taking ecstasy and doing Special K.  “People are saying that we’re not connected to the people.  Well, this will prove everybody wrong.  Now, can somebody please get me a bong!”

Art is an important part of the Burning Man experience, and Larry Harvey, founder of the Burning Man project, gives the festival a theme each year, as a way to encourage a common bond and to help make sure each individual’s contribution is put together in a meaningful way.

The theme this year is:  Rites of Passge.

“It’s perfect for Barack’s 50th,” said Michelle Obama.

The President has been working on his art for the festival:  a balloon-animal sculpture and a seashell collage that he intends to display while belly dancing.

“You can’t sit on the sidelines here,” said one Burner. “You gotta dive in, participate.”   President Obama and Michelle Obama plan to take off their clothes and Irish step-dance while young members of the White House staff bang on waffle irons nearby.  “We are going to make the best music Burners will ever see.   It will blow their heads.”  Obama said.

President Obama spoke about the meaning of Burning Man, “I think I see a unicorn.  It’s purple. It’s big.  Oh, and look at the those flying doorknobs.  Fly, doorknobs, fly!”

Michelle Obama was busy trying to plant broccoli in the desert.  Several burners tried to tell the First Lady that you can’t plant broccoli in scorching hot sand, but Michelle scolded them, “You can if you have elves helping you.  And I have a lot of elves and gnomes right here with me! Plus I’m using a magic hoe. So go!”

Secret Service agents will be run naked through the desert chasing alpacas during the week-long festival.   Or maybe it will be the other way around.

Harry Reid will also attend Burning Man (again), trying to impress his fellow Nevada citizens – especially those on LSD, because as Reid said, “they are the ones that best understand my speeches.  But President Obama isn’t happy with Reid going to  Burning Man, “He’s drag, man.  Dude doesn’t know how to get down in the desert, doesn’t know how to loosen up.  I gave him some magic mushrooms.  Maybe that’ll help.”  Reid was seen last year at Burning Man – he was standing on top of an port-o-john licking a frog and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

Here’s the kind of event the Obamas plan to attend this year :

BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

LAS VEGAS – Early voting has assured victory for Harry Reid in next week’s midterm elections.

Election workers in Nevada, primarily members of the Service Employees International Union, have been counting the early votes and have announced that Harry Reid has defeated Sharron Angle to keep his seat in the Senate.  They have certified his victory.  It’s official.

This year has seen a large percentage of voters going to the polls early in Nevada.  In 2008, 571,000 Nevadans voted in the election.  This year, SEIU, reports that 300,000 voters in Nevada have voted early and that 58% of those votes have been for Harry Reid.   This makes it virtually impossible for Sharron Angle to overcome Reid’s lead next week.

There have been numerous voter fraud reports in the last week coming out of Nevada.  In particular, a number of early votes said that when they went into the voting machine Harry Reid’s name was already checked and they couldn’t change it.

“Nonsense,” said Sal Gravado of SEIU.  “We’ve checked and re-checked those machines. They are working fine.”

There were also reports that there were over 50,000 votes from illegal immigrants, many of whom don’t even live in Nevada.  “We can’t disenfranchise illegal immigrants. They have the same rights as all Americans, and we want them to vote,” said a representative for Harry Reid.

Nevada election officials are considering cancelling next week’s election.  “We might not need the “late voters” to vote at all.  Senator Reid is a shoo-in, it’s best if he go back to work and get busy fundamentally changing our country,” said Reid aide William Workman.

President Obama flew to Nevada last night for the a victory party for Harry Reid:

“All the pundits were predicting that Harry was going to lose, but I knew he would win, and I made sure it happened,” said President Obama to a massive crowd of SEIU workers.  “Now, we just gotta get the Republicans to sit quietly in the back of the car, put them in a baby seat and shove  bottles of pablum in their mouths.  I’m going to drive this country and I don’t need any more whining from the babies in the back.”

Republicans were furious that Nevada election officials already certified Reid as the winner.   “If they keep this up, I’m going to throw them out of the car,” said Obama.  “And then when they’re out of the car, I’m going to run them over – several times.  This is MY car.”

Harry Reid was happy to be declared the winner.  “It just goes to show you that we know how to get things done in Nevada.   Las Vegas has a long history of getting things done the right way… and they did it again.

Senator Harry Reid – back for another six years.

BLACK ROCK CITY – The Obamas flew away from Martha’s Vineyard today to attend Burning Man.

Michelle and Barack Obama left the kids on Martha’s Vineyard and flew to Black Rock City, Nevada to attend the Burning Man Festival.  And why not?  You can’t swim at Martha’s Vineyard, but you can think you’re swimming at Burning Man.

Burning Man is an annual art event and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance. It is  held on an ancient lakebed in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.  There is a gigantic expansion of temporary structures, with more than 40,000 “burners-in-residence.”  The biggest draw is the hundreds of strange activities going at any given moment.  “It’s just like the White House,”  said President Obama.

The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance, but the fact is there’s a lot of… sex and drugs.  Michelle and Barack both intend on dropping acid and doing Special K.  “People are saying that we’re not connected to the people.  Well, this will prove everybody wrong.  Now, can somebody please get me a bong!”

Art is an important part of the Burning Man experience, and Larry Harvey, founder of the Burning Man project, gives the festival a theme each year, as a way to encourage a common bond and to help make sure each individual’s contribution is put together in a meaningful way.

The theme this year is:  Metropolis, the Life of the Cities.

The President has been working on his art for the festival:  a balloon-animal sculpture and a seashell collage that he intends to display while belly dancing.

“You can’t sit on the sidelines here,” said one Burner. “You gotta dive in, participate.”  That’s when President Obama and Michelle Obama took off their clothes and Irish step-danced to a group of twenty-somethings banging on waffle irons.  “Best music I ever saw.  Best music I ever saw.”  Obama said.

President Obama spoke about the meaning of Burning Man, “I think I see a unicorn.  It’s purple. It’s big.  Oh, and look at the those flying doorknobs.  Fly, doorknobs, fly!”

Michelle Obama was busy trying to plant broccoli in the desert.  Several burners tried to tell the First Lady that you can’t plant broccoli in scorching hot sand, but Michelle scolded them, “You can if you have elves helping you.  And I have a lot of elves and gnomes right here with me! Plus I’m using a magic hoe. So go!”

Secret Service agents were seen running naked through the desert chasing alpacas.  Or maybe it was the other way around.

Harry Reid also attended Burning Man, trying to win over every single voter in Nevada – especially those on LSD, because as Reid said, “they are the ones that best understand my stump speech.  But President Obama isn’t happy with Reid’s participation at Burning Man, “He’s drag, man.  Dude doesn’t know how to get down in the desert, doesn’t know how to loosen up.  I gave him some magic mushrooms.  Maybe that’ll help.”  Reid was last seen on top of an port-o-john licking a frog and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

Harry Reid & Obama at Burning Man

Here’s the event Obama attended last night:

TONOPAH, NEVADA — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided to work for a male brothel in Nevada, part of a new campaign strategy “to serve all Nevada voters.”

Senator Harry Reid is in a tough re-election battle with Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle.  The latest Rasmussen poll shows Angle with a 46% to 43% lead over Reid.  So Reid is pulling out all the stops to win over Nevada voters.

The Shady Lady Ranch is located 31 miles north North of Beatty, and their motto is “a Gem in the High Desert.”   In January of this year, The Shady Lady hired the 25-year-old “Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute.  Markus, a former porn actor said he didn’t “discriminate based on race, color, creed, ethnicity, or skin tone.”  He did leave out gender. The 71-year-old liberal Reid said he would not prevent any registered voter from using his services.  He also said that his experience ramming bills through Congress would help him get in the mood for the job.

In March of this year, Markus quit The Shady Lady because he only had ten paying customers over the two-month period.  Senator Reid is confident he will “crush” Markus’s record.

Senator Reid will be working at the Shady Lady during the August recess.  Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband, said that Senator Reid has already booked thirty-three clients.  Reid, who will be going by the name Phil Buster when at the ranch, has already been trained by his co-workers – Rio, Angel, Veronica and Sadie.

The Reid campaign was thrilled to make this announcement because just yesterday they lost the vote of a dead woman.   It was disappointing because the deceased typically vote heavily for Democrats.  The family of the recently deceased Charlotte McCourt, an 84-year-old Nevada woman who was once a supporter of  Reid, and helped in his election bids, followed her wishes and urged Nevadans not to vote for Reid in the upcoming election.  The obituary read, “Please, in lieu of flowers, vote for another more worthy candidate.”

Reid hopes that he can win over all  sexually active  Nevadans and is confident that his stint at Shady Lady as a gigolo will help propel him to victory.  If he fails to perform up to expectations, he intends to blame it on George W. Bush.  When Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was told of Harry Reid’s plan and asked if she would be stopping by to support him in his efforts, the Speaker ran screaming from the Capitol.   She is currently listed as “missing.”

Here is Price Sheet for Phil Buster (Reid).

40 minutes $200.00
40 minutes with the lights on $500.00
One hour $300.00
One hour with the lights on $650.00
Two hours $500.00
Two hours with the lights on $1,000.00

Couples parties starting at $1,200.00 an hour. One hour minimum.

Over night stay starting at $3,500.00

Viagra not included.

Registered Republicans please note that prices will be doubled.

Sharron Angle has already declined an offer for “free” services.  Here is Reid’s first booked client.  Misty:

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LAS VEGAS, NV – Tanya Angus was a perfectly healthy 20 year old woman, when she noticed that her clothes were beginning to not fit.

At the time she was 5′ 11″ and 115 pounds. But ten years later, she now stands at 6′ 6″ and 480 pounds, and continues to grow. After multiple misdiagnoses, Angus was finally told she is suffering from acromegaly, often associated with gigantism.

Acromegaly is a syndrome in which the pituitary gland produces excessive amounts of human growth hormone. There are a number of causes that can create this problem, but unfortunately for Angus, she has the most common and most difficult to treat.

A brain tumor has wrapped itself around her pituitary gland, causing the overproduction of hormone. Doctors have performed multiple surgeries to remove the tumor but it repeatedly grows back.

In 1999, when Angus began growing out of her shoes and suffering from headaches, she went to a few local doctors to get checked out. Unfortunately, they all dismissed her complaints as minor issues. It was not until Angus moved back to Las Vegas that her sister immediately recognized something was wrong and got her properly diagnosed.

Now, Angus may suffer permanently due to how long she was afflicted before being treated. Doctors have yet to find a treatment that can help her. She decided to come forward and speak to the media so that others may learn from her predicament and get treated early.

Acromegaly affects 2 out of 1,000,000 per year. Some other well known acromegaly sufferers include actor Paul Benedict and self-help expert Tony Robbins.

The most recognizable victim may be pro-wrestler Andre the Giant. One of the WWF’s most famous wrestlers, Andre was billed anywhere from 6′ 10″ to 7′ 4″ tall and 500-565 pounds. He went on to famously play a gentle giant in the film The Princess Bride After refusing to be treated for his condition, he died at the early age of 46 due to cardiac complications.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Returning for a one night performance, magicians Siegfried and Roy took to the stage to dazzle audiences one last time.  For their final illusion, they made longtime rival Cher disappear.

At a special charity event, Siegfried and Roy performed again for the first time since Roy was injured by one of their signature white tigers six years ago.  For their final trick, the duo presented an empty cage, held a curtain over it for a moment, then removed it to reveal a white tiger.  They then replaced the curtain briefly, and removed it to reveal a confused and visibly disturbed Cher in the cage with the tiger.

Witnesses from the front rows could hear the Academy Award winning singer/actress say, “What…  Where am I?  What’s going on?”  Her speech and movements suggested she may have been drugged.

Raising the curtain one final time, the illusionists removed it to reveal an empty cage.  Cher’s whereabouts at this time are still unknown.

A heated rivalry has existed between the singer and the magicians for decades.  Though not officially documented, the rift is believed to have originated when Cher accepted her Academy Award in an outfit she stole from the German magicians.  Since then they have competed with increasingly flamboyant outfits, extravagant spectacle in their shows, and sheer volume of sequins on stage at any given time.  Her recent 200-show deal at Caesar’s Palace was seen as the final straw.

When news got around Las Vegas that the magicians had made Cher vanish, her most devoted fans went into an uproar.  Dozens of drag queens and Cher impersonators rushed to the theater.  Security guards were quickly trampled under stiletto heels in a violent frenzy of wigs and black fishnets.  However, the magicians had already left the building.

No charges have been filed yet for Cher’s apparent kidnapping.

Siegfried and Roy were last seen riding into the sunset on their white tiger, followed closely by a legion of angry drag queens.

LAS VEGAS, NV – The Death Ray app has made its premiere at the popular Consumer Electronics Show amidst drama and fear.

Dr. Michael Heinous previewed the application to many curious industry insiders.  The program, when downloaded, would give any iPhone death ray capabilities, but Heinous is in works to make the technology available on PDAs and car GPS systems.

Attendees were allowed to download trial versions of the program at booth 1274, located between the DDRGame booth and a hot dog cart. Thus far, only two deaths have been reported.

Dr. Heinous arrived at the trade show after using his Hover Technology ™ to transfer the entire Colorado State University campus to San Diego for the winter.  The action, dubbed criminally insane by state authorities, did secure his position as head of the CSU’s Evil Science department.

Steve Jobs has gone on record voicing his opposition to both death rays and open source software, and Apple is currently taking legal action to block the spread of this software.  Dr. Heinous has said if the ban goes through he will retaliate by taking San Francisco hostage.

No word yet on whether Mr. Jobs will use his transgender android body to defend the city.