RAMSEY, NJ – Don Bosco High School, the nation’s perennial #1 h.s. football team, has agreed to join the NCAA’s Big East conference.

This month there were major changes in NCAA Division 1 conference alignments for football.

The Big East recently lost Syracuse and Pittsburgh to the ACC and are scrambling to find teams to add to their conference to make them more competitive and entertaining.  So Big East executives made a radical move, and decided to invite powerhouse Don Bosco Preparatory High School to their conference.  Don Bosco has accepted the invitation.

Don Bosco High School has the nation’s dominant high school football program. They absolutely crush every opponent they play – from all across the country.   They thrashed the consensus #4 team in the country – St. Edward of Lakewood, Ohio and just demolished Bergen Catholic High School for the New Jersey State Championship and the National Title.

Bosco has won 45 games in a row and clearly are the dominant high school program in the country.

So far this year, they have defeated nationally ranked teams from Mission Viejo, CA and Manatee, FL along with their toughest opponent – local rival Bergen Catholic.  But sadly (for BC), Bosco embarrassed them at MetLife Stadium on December 3rd.

The talent level on both Don Bosco’s football and basketball team is of such a high caliber that they can easily compete with most NCAA Division 1 schools.  The Big East wanted to shake things up in the NCAA and inviting Don Bosco to join the conference certainly has caused quite a firestorm.

“It’s an unusual move, but I think it’s something that will make the Big East much more  competitive.  Right now, Bosco can compete with most Division 1 schools in the country and having them in the Big East will  be a huge plus for  us,” said Big East Conference Director, Gary Flink.  “It’s going to be exiting watching the The Ironmen tackle the Big East.”

Don Bosco has 20-25 Division 1 caliber players on their current roster including: Darius Hamilton, Leonte Caroo, Yuri Wright, Elijah Shumate, Frank Nutile,  Mike Yankovich, Jabrill Peppers, Mike D’Alessandro, Michael Strizak, John Wilkins, Frank Failace, and Jared Goldenberg – among others.

ESPN’s top college football analyst, Kirk Hirbstreit, feels that Don Bosco, coached by the legendary Greg Toal, has the playmakers, the skill players and the depth to defeat UConn, University of South Florida, Rutgers and the rest of the Big East every year.

“I think within 3 years of being in the Big East, Bosco will be playing for a BCS championship,” said Kirk Herbstreit.  “Maybe sooner.”

Congress is looking into making changes to NCAA football, perhaps adding a playoff system.   A number of Congressmen were told about Bosco and many feel that adding Don Bosco Preparatory High School to the Big East – will meet with easy Congressional approval.

Go Bosco!

STATE COLLEGE, PA -  Sources say that the NCAA will soon give Penn State the “death penalty” for football – canceling their 2012 season.

The scandal surrounding Pennsylvania State University has many people calling for the school’s illustrious football program to receive the NCAA’s dreaded death penalty.  And it looks like they may get their wish.

The NCAA “death penalty,” was given out once before to Southern Methodist University in the 1980s doesn’t directly kill off a program, but it does choke its ability to thrive, if not survive by withholding scholarships, banning post season appearances and the like.

The former Penn State defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, has been charged with multiple counts of child molestation, following reports that he engaged in homosexual behavior with boys who were as young as 10 years old. That charge led to the downfall of the university’s president and revered head coach, Joe Paterno.

Typically, there is no mechanism within the NCAA governing body to punish Penn State regarding the Sandusky scandal. This is a law enforcement matter only. The NCAA, however,  has reviewed the matter and feel that a number of their own rules were broken.

HOUSTON – YouTube sensation, Jacob Tucker,  5′ 10″, won the NCAA Dunk Contest.

Tucker staged a grassroots campaign centered around his Youtube video to gain entrance into the contest.  But he  wowed the crowd and judges with his 50-inch vertical and dunking creativity.

Tucker doesn’t look like a dunker — the 5-foot-10 guard looks more prepared for a lab than a basketball court — but his explosiveness was evident from the beginning.

The senior basketball player has registered more the 2.6 million views on his You Tube video in his success to get into the slam dunk contest. The competition will be on ESPN 2 9-11 p.m. Thursday March 31st.

Tucker, the smallest player in the competition, was the only player to earn a 50 in the first round with a ridiculous through-the-legs dunk off the bounce.

In the final round, Tucker missed two attempts at a through-the-legs 360 dunk. But his back-up plan was good enough for the victory.

Tucker jumped over a ball-boy, who was holding the ball over his head, and threw down an amazing reverse dunk.

It’s unbelievable, just because a lot of these other guys here are D-I players,” Tucker said after the contest. “They’re used to being on the national stage, and this dunk contest, to their schools, didn’t necessarily mean as much. To be able to represent my school on a national stage is a real honor.

Kansas State guard Jacob Pullen, in attendance for the 3-point contest, said he didn’t believe the small guard was the same player he’d seen in the video that was seen by basketball fans everywhere in early March.

To say the Illinois College basketball program is little-known would be an understatement. The Blueboys  are members of the Midwest Conference, made up of Division III schools from the area its named after. With an enrollment of 864, Illinois College is about the size of a top classification high school in most states.

Yet there was Tucker, doing exactly what he did in his viral video: Dunking like a madman. Score one for the little guys.

Here’s the original video:

I’m madder than John Thompson after Georgetown lost to VCU, about Obama’s March Meekness!

The Teleprompter Kid is in Rio on Spring Break while the world is falling apart!  He’s spending more time watching the NCAA Tournament and dancing the samba then his is trying to help Japan, save the economy or keep us out of another useless war.

He’s the Moron-In-Chief!

He spends most of his day staring into a mirror, singing “Hail to the Chief” to himself.   He thinks “make a decision” means “go golfing.”   My bladder gets weak every time he speaks.

Since when did the United States of America let the head of France take the lead on anything?!!  The French are supposed to drink wine, eat cheese and smell bad.  They are NOT supposed to take the lead in any kind of military operation.

Obama is in so far over his head, he’d need a ladder to get to the bottom of Lake Stupid.  Harvard and Columbia are taking back his diplomas.  Kenyans are disowning him – they’re claiming he was born in Hawaii!

Obama’s ten-year-old daughter, Sasha, had to tell her father who Gaddafi was.  Obama thought he was a point guard for Duke.

Obama needs to resign – immediately!

The White House is a no-leader zone.  Obama needs to do a Nixon, so he can focus on golf, basketball and reading a book on how to grow a pair!

I’d rather have Charlie Sheen in the White House.  He’s got Tiger Blood.   Obama has Pussy Blood!

Hey, America.  Let’s start… “winning” again!

NEW YORK, NY – After weeks of speculation as to why she quit/stepped-down/quit her duties as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has resurfaced… in the sporting world. Today in New York, a press conference is scheduled to announce that the former ‘almost’ 2nd most powerful person on the planet has taken the lateral move to become commissioner of the WNBA.

(pause for silent applause and reflection).

Said current NBA czar of the universe, David Stern, ‘We couldn’t be more excited to have Sarah join our family.  She’s smart, hot, finishes most jobs, and has the kind of experience we’re looking for because she played point guard in high school.  Plus you know we are always talking about expansion in the WNBA, well she can see Europe from her new office in New York, and that has to count for something’.

The Governor-quitter was unavailable for comment yesterday, but her free-loading soulmate of a husband did offer some insight as to why Sarah would take the position. ‘First and foremost, it’s a really cool title’, said Todd Palin.  ‘Sarah didn’t like the word ‘vice’ anyway, and commissioner solves that problem.  Plus, can you think of anyone with a more qualified resume than her?’ Actually, this reporter can. But all of them have jobs.

How this effects the former Republican VP’s long-term political future is uncertain. Will this new 7-year appointment become her new 2-year passion?  Or will the experience of running an unpopular league, dealing with dwindling fan bases and an uninteresting product, be the opportune springboard to a much higher office in 2012?  I bet Newt Gingrich won’t be able to match this resume builder.  Let’s see Mitt Romney come off his high horse of health care reform to talk about the new drama in the Mystic front office.

Way to go Sarah. You have once again proved that if they set their mind to it, women can do anything.  Now if only the LPGA could lure Hillary Clinton to take a career step up, we’d start to have some gender equality.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Move over Pro bowl, horrible NHL All-Star goal fest, and no-D NBA all-star crapfest. Step aside soccer exhibition matches, one-on-one celebrity poker tournaments, and pretty much the entire Olympics. Golf has decided it wants in on the all-star game phenomena.

This week, to coincide with the MLB’s midsummer classic, the USGA announced that it too will hold an ‘All-Star’ event, perhaps as early as 2020.

Officials stated their need for the decade long delay, to work out the kinks in the system, but most expert analysts, and Jim Nantz, believe golf will follow the baseball format.  Meaning: Players will be selected by flawed fan voting; the game will be played in the middle of a season to maximize player schedule disruption; there will be some sort of skills event (think putt putt, longest drive, and a ‘fan-interactive’ club toss); and players will be forced to wear stupid uniforms signifying the event.

Said one pro, “I think it’s great.  It will be so unlike the regular tour.  Instead of the best 120 golfers competing each weekend, this will take the best 100-120 golfers, and have them compete over a weekend.  But individually.”

True.  Unlike majors, where major titles, legacies, and reputations are made, a ‘Golf All-Star Event’, will allow the players to play for something they can’t get at regular events, majors, skins games, or charity pro-ams.  This will be an ‘All-Star’ tournament, mostly because it’ll say ‘All-Star’ on the trophy.

Said John Daly, “As long as there’s a Hooters nearby, I’m in”.  Then he continued, “Actually I’ll take a 7-11 if the beer is cold and they smell smokes.’” (can you say lock for fan-vote champion?).

Who knows, if successful, maybe tennis and boxing will follow suit.  This writer doesn’t just believe we ‘should’ have ‘All-Star’ Golf.  We need ‘All-Star’ Golf.  Hey, if the WNBA can have one, why not golf?

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

Twenty-five years ago Carl Lewis owned the ’84 Olympics.  Actually it might have been ’88, but stay with me.

Everyone in America knows these names: FloJo, Jackie Joyner Kersey, Mary Decker, Edwin Moses, and that weird guy from Russia who won like 300 straight pole vaults.  But, somehow track and field has lost its way.

Drugs, other sports, doping, TV, doping and drugs, and the fall of the importance of the Olympics each have played their part.  Now the governing body of Track and Field, the GBoTaF, has decided to take a pro-active role, by hiring a marketing firm to ‘rebrand’ their brand.

As of 2010, track and field will now be called ‘Adult Gym’.

Said one official,”We really feel this will make us more relatable to adults and kids. Every kid loves gym, and what adult wouldn’t love to back to the comic absurdity of gym class, opposed to working at his desk”.

And the argument has merit.  Many of track and fields main events are gym class staples: the triple jump, long jump, sprint, and 800.  This reporter can’t believe they haven’t dones this earlier.

And going forward, who wouldn’t like to see the pegboard, floor hockey, and dodgeball added to track events.  It would make them more interesting, and increase sponsorship potential.

Way to go, adult gym. I look forward to your next meet, where all of you have to wear the same outfit, including the reversible shirt.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Last night, in a stunning announcement, Brett Favre admitted that much his childhood hero, Spock, he is only half-human. The other half, it was discovered, is robotic.  Said Favre, ‘I’ve hid it for a long time, and I think it’s about time I spill my guts – well at least half of them anyway.’

The story broke prior to Brett’s appearance on sportscaster Joe Buck’s new HBO show.  But the rumors have been circulating for years.

Many consider Favre’s durability and arm strength impossible.  The 39 year old still possesses a cannon on his shoulder, and now it turns out, his arm “was in fact modeled after a howitzer”, said an anonymous source that this reporter tracked down in a remote robotic lab in Louisiana, which may in fact have constructed the quarterback.  “Look at his injury record”, the source continued. “He plays the hardest position in sports, and no one comes close to matching his durability.  I can’t believe people never put 2 and 2 together before. He never gets hurt because he can’t get hurt.”

Is it so far fetched? A half-robotic athlete? This reporter has seen the movie X-Men.  If they can do it with Wolverine, who’s to say some crazed scientist wouldn’t do it with a sports figure?  In fact, it helps explain the rationale of his countless retirements. The human side of him knows it’s time to quit, but the robotic half keeps telling him that’s just his emotions talking, and his robotic lifespan will allow another 20 years.

We’ll see come September if Brett will play again in the NFL, but at least now we have a better understanding of how he was built, why he never gets injured, and why his endless comebacks are so methodical.  It’s in his DNA and programming.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Amidst all the hoopla surrounding the new Yankee Stadium:  Is it home run friendly, is it too big, can A-Rod still choke when it matters in more spacious surroundings, etc., one thing has gone under the radar with local fans.  The team’s decision to alter the National Anthem.

In an effort to be more PC, team officials decided over the summer that starting this year, they were going to alter the song to assure no ethnicity, race, team, fan, political entity, and Islamic extremist was offended.

Said one Yankee spokesman, ‘First of all, call me spokesperson, so I don’t offend any females.  We thought that with a new President, and a new stadium, now would be the perfect time to show the world that the Yankees are expanding their brand.  It’s the right thing to do.  We expect it to catch on.”  Then he continued, “Plus in this economy, s***, we need as many people as possible to pay for the seats we totally overpriced.  S***, don’t print that last part.  If you do, I’ll just deny it.  Wait, is that a tape recorder.  F*** me.”—(inaudible commotion).

DBB research has obtained a few of the changes to the Yankee’s new version.
‘bombs bursting in air’, will be changed to ‘tireless peace talks’;
‘our flag was still there’, will be changed to ‘our flag was still there but we’re not occupiers, and we’re not here to colonize your Arab country’;
‘home of the brave’, will be changed to ‘home of the very cool’.

Is this going too far? Will the Yankees regret this decision?  Does anyone even listen to the anthem or are they getting beer and finding their seats? Short answer.  Maybe.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – News broke this morning that the MLB had come up with a solution to finally put to rest the performance-enhancing scandal: ‘An All-Juicing League’. A counter-baseball league where all players on every team ‘MUST’ juice from their choice of HGH, Roids, Greenies, or the latest illegal synthetic blends made available from Track and Field.

Said one spokesman, who refused to be identified by name, but said if you want to follow him on twitter, his sign-in was BudSelig54, “A lot of fans know most of our players cheated, and yet attendance was still through the roof.  This new ‘juicing’ league just allows us to capitalize on that.  And we don’t have to worry about any askterisked records”.

Purists may not like it, but if you think about it, the proposed plan makes a lot of sense. Just think about the level of talent that could instantly feed such a league.  Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Roger Clemens, and Sammy Sosa.  The new league might even rival the old for interest.

“I’d love to play again”, said the Rocket.  “And this time, I wouldn’t have to worry about what to misremember, or who sees what in the locker room.”

Owners say the new league could generate much-needed revenue, in a time where financial crises are looming.  Said the owner of one New York team, “Sure, we’ve added a pharmacist to our club-house staff, but lucky for us, most of our trainers already had the skill set.”

The J-MLB, Juiced Major League Baseball, will debut in 2010 and the plan to include teams in every major market (and Kansas City) currently home to a big league team.

For more comedyntary, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).