NAGPUR, INDIA – A high school student in central India was crowned the world’s shortest woman by Guinness World Records.

On the day she turned 18, Jyoti Amge, officially became the world’s shortest woman.  She  is just 24.7 inches tall – shorter than the average 2-year-old.

Guinness representatives visiting from London measured her at a ceremony attended by about 30 relatives and friends in the town of Nagpur, in Maharashtra state.

A teary-eyed Amge, dressed in one of her finest saris, called the honor an “extra birthday present” and said she felt grateful for being small, as it had brought her recognition. After receiving a plaque, she and her guests cut a birthday cake.

“I have put Nagpur on the world map. Now everyone will know where it is,” said Amge, who says she dreams of one day becoming a Bollywood film star as well as becoming a point guard in the NBA.

What???

“I want to be an actor and I want to play basketball,” she said.

Apparently, she is a big fan of American basketball.  “I love Kobe Bryant and Chris Paul.  They are my favorites.  I think I can make it in the NBA.  Muggsey Boyles played and he was short, so I think I can too.”

She is barely taller than a basketball, so many friends and relatives tell her to give up her dream, but she won’t have it.  “I think I can do anything I want in this life.  I am going to earn a university degree, I’m going to act in Bollywood and I’m going to play for the L.A. Lakers.”

The previous “shortest woman” was 22-year-old American Bridgette Jordan, who had held the title since September.

This was not Amge’s first Guinness record. Until Friday she was considered the world’s shortest teenager, but in turning 18 qualified for the new title. She has grown less than 0.4 inch in the last two years, Guinness said in a statement, and will grow no more due to a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia.

The title of shortest woman in history continues to be held by Pauline Musters, who lived in the Netherlands from 1876 to 1895 and stood 24 inches tall.

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-T…

J-Train: Would you be Friends with Lebron James?

The Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions and all is right with the world. The sun has shined brighter. Music sounds better. Even the touch of your scary uncle feels softer. Good triumphed over evil – The Miami Heat have been thwarted, praise the Lord. America cheered so hard against Lebron James that it seemed personal. One of my friends even started calling him Daddy and kept yelling at the TV, “Why did you leave Mom?!” So I thought, sure, I get it, the guy is arrogant and thinks he’s bigger than the sport he plays, and better than any fan watching at home (spoiler alert: he is), but would I ever be friends with Lebron? Like everything in life, there are, of course, some Pros and Cons:

- Needy: He needed south beach. He needed Dwyane Wade. He needed Chris Bosh. Sounds like a guy who needs me to help him move. CON 

- Didn’t go to college: I never have to worry about meeting Lebron’s friends who talk about the changing political spectrum and the value of a Roth IRA. Also, anytime Lebron asks me a question like – “what’s political mean?” I get to answer him with – “they teach that in college” as I pat him gently on his head. Then I’ll explain to him that college grads, on average, make one million more dollars in their career than non-grads. PRO

- People think He’s Great: Scottie Pippen (much like everyone else) keeps talking about how awesome a player Lebron is even though he’s never won the big one. Have you ever had a friend who’s good looking but has no personality? Everyone you meet keeps talking about how good looking that friend is and all you can think about is how he introduces himself with a limp dead-fish handshake and a murmur of a hello. Then you start to hate that friend, not because he isn’t a nice guy, but because everyone else can’t get past his great looks to realize his horrible personality. And then your Ex sleeps with him? That’s Lebron. CON

- He has an “interesting” Mom: Lebron’s Mom has been in the headlines quite a bit. She’s been arrested for drug possession (party animal) and it’s rumored she had a romantic encounter with Lebron’s former Teammate, Delonte West (hot). A guy with a Mom like that has to be a great time at a party and I kind of have a thing for older sassy black women. PRO

- He hates Cleveland: The most upsetting thing to Cleveland, I think, is this – he went to Miami. Had he gone to Chicago, or New York, at least they could tell themselves that he’s going to play in a larger market, with passionate fans and great tradition.  But no, he went to Miami, where people barely look up from their cocaine piles long enough to learn what a double team is (it’s a movie starring Dennis Rodman and Van Damme). So essentially, Bron-bron said, that – all basketball considerations aside – he just likes Miami better. That’s a pretty rude awakening, delivered to 800,000 knuckle-dragging Clevelanders on national TV.  Cleveland can pat themselves on the back all they want and claim it’s ‘a working-class city with good people and passionate fans,’ but we all know that means it’s ‘a bankrupt, industrial shell of a city with ugly people that have nothing to do but scream at their TV’s.’ I’m with King James on this one. PRO

- He can’t close: If he can’t score in the 4th quarter how do you think he does at the bar right before closing time? Imagine you and him talking up a couple of ladies and the bartender yells, “last call”. Now your trying to move the group home and he starts talking about Call of Duty, eating pizza, and erectile dysfunction. Lebron probably asks girls why they aren’t buying him drinks. CON

Final Verdict: Lebron has a friend in J-Train! Sleeping with one of my friend’s Mom is one of my tougher bucket-list items.

You’re Welcome,

Train.
Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain

NEW YORK, NY – Everybody loves a good trick shot!

The art of the trick shot – few master it, but many try. Every sport produces its crop of individuals that try and make the most ridiculous trick shots. Some groups, like Dude Perfect, make trick shots their life. Some just do them to pass the time. Whatever the case is, we all love seeing a good trick shot.

We have all, at one point or another, attempted our hand at a trick shot. We can attest to the frustration we experience when it doesn’t go according to plan. We can also attest to the utter jubilation of seeing a trick shot succeed and the realization that your time was well spent. Below is a sample of some of the latest trick shots making headlines.

TURKEY – Team USA has made a last minute addition to their “roster.”

The “Redeem” Team had one mission when they assembled – to bring USA basketball back to the top. They accomplished that goal with ease as the biggest superstars in the NBA came together to win gold for USA in the 2008 Olympics. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and the rest of the “Redeem” Team are not on this year’s team and Team USA will sport a new roster when they head to Turkey – the “B-deem” Team.

There’s no doubt that the team has talent, but it’s lacking the hype of a James or Bryant – with the exception of Kevin Durant. The latest crop of players is full of potential but lacks the experience on the global stage. Critics are finding any and every possible angle to criticize – poor rebounding, lack of experience, B-list superstars, etc. Despite all of this lack of support and criticism, the team likes its chances – more so thanks to the latest addition to the team.

Team USA has hired PhD Ape as a mentor to the team. Weekly World News has learned that PhD will travel with the team to Turkey and will be instrumental in helping this new team cope with any challenges they face overseas.

“Sure, we don’t have LeBron James or Dwyane Wade or any of the other high profile athletes, but that shouldn’t change our goal,” said Jerry Colangelo, USA Basketball chairman. “Team USA is assembled for one purpose – and that’s to win. We still have some of the best young talent in the NBA on this team and they are motivated and dedicated to the cause. They will face challenges and criticism in this quest, and they will need a voice of reason to help them stay the course. That’s why we have hired PhD Ape. He’s wise, unbiased and is the exact influence I want on this team.”

Colangelo has made it his mission to rebuild USA Basketball and help it re-achieve its glory days from the early 90s. A gold medal in the 2008 Olympics was testament to his hard work, but it doesn’t mean he’s stopping there. Hiring PhD Ape is just another sign of how committed he is to the cause.

“It’s an absolute pleasure to be asked to help Team USA in their quest to win the World Championship,” said PhD Ape. “There’s no doubt that this team is young and has never experience this kind of setting. The mind is an incredible tool and it will be my job to make sure this team stays focused and stays its course. It’s shocking to me that this team is considered by some as underdogs, but I have faith in these kids and it should be a great experience.”

Team USA travels to Madrid, Spain on Monday to begin their next step of preparation for the World Championships. They will commence action on August 21 and 22 when they face Lithuania and Spain.

NEW YORK, NY – The Knicks have made another questionable move – considering what they passed up!

The summer of 2010 was supposed to be the New York Knicks’ summer. Knicks fan were dreaming of a star studded roster headlined by LeBron James and a return to prominence. Those dreams were quickly shattered and the Knicks settled for their plan D – Amar’e Stoudemire. Regardless, there is always a bright light at the end of the tunnel and that light is Isiah Thomas (sarcasm).

Thomas has been hired by the Knicks organization as a consultant and the move has been met with more negativity than anything else. The move brought back so many bad memories that it almost drove Knicks’ president Donnie Walsh to quit.

“Donnie finds this entire thing distasteful,” said one NBA source. “He’s had second thoughts about staying but he wants to finish the job.”

Knicks fans were rocked hard by the news on Friday – thanks in large part to his horrendous track record with the organization, both on and off the court. The news was even more upsetting due to the fact that the Knicks passed up on PhD Ape for the role of consultant.

Weekly World News did some serious investigative work and what it uncovered was seriously shocking.

PhD Ape has been a rock of wisdom and guiding force for many individuals throughout his career as therapist and consultant, that it sparked the interest of the Knicks. The two parties commenced communication in regards to creating a situation where PhD Ape could bring some sanity and stability to a shaky organization. The marriage seemed all but complete until Isiah Thomas stepped into the picture.

“Sure I’m upset about how the situation resolved itself, but I can’t say anything negative about it all,” PhD Ape told WWN. “I’ve always been a huge NBA fan and have been rooting for the Knicks for decades now. I’m just thankful that I was considered for the position and perhaps this marriage could work at some point down the road.”

A true symbol of class and poise.

It seemed as though when Thomas heard of the whole situation, he reached out to Knicks’ owner Jim Dolan. Thomas pulled on those strings in Dolan’s heart and was able to sway the owner to give him the opportunity. Thomas has said he has no intentions of climbing the corporate ladder or going after the GM position – at least for now. Regardless, Thomas did some behind the scenes work and pulled the rug right out from under PhD Ape.

NEW YORK, NY – After weeks of speculation as to why she quit/stepped-down/quit her duties as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has resurfaced… in the sporting world. Today in New York, a press conference is scheduled to announce that the former ‘almost’ 2nd most powerful person on the planet has taken the lateral move to become commissioner of the WNBA.

(pause for silent applause and reflection).

Said current NBA czar of the universe, David Stern, ‘We couldn’t be more excited to have Sarah join our family.  She’s smart, hot, finishes most jobs, and has the kind of experience we’re looking for because she played point guard in high school.  Plus you know we are always talking about expansion in the WNBA, well she can see Europe from her new office in New York, and that has to count for something’.

The Governor-quitter was unavailable for comment yesterday, but her free-loading soulmate of a husband did offer some insight as to why Sarah would take the position. ‘First and foremost, it’s a really cool title’, said Todd Palin.  ‘Sarah didn’t like the word ‘vice’ anyway, and commissioner solves that problem.  Plus, can you think of anyone with a more qualified resume than her?’ Actually, this reporter can. But all of them have jobs.

How this effects the former Republican VP’s long-term political future is uncertain. Will this new 7-year appointment become her new 2-year passion?  Or will the experience of running an unpopular league, dealing with dwindling fan bases and an uninteresting product, be the opportune springboard to a much higher office in 2012?  I bet Newt Gingrich won’t be able to match this resume builder.  Let’s see Mitt Romney come off his high horse of health care reform to talk about the new drama in the Mystic front office.

Way to go Sarah. You have once again proved that if they set their mind to it, women can do anything.  Now if only the LPGA could lure Hillary Clinton to take a career step up, we’d start to have some gender equality.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Move over Pro bowl, horrible NHL All-Star goal fest, and no-D NBA all-star crapfest. Step aside soccer exhibition matches, one-on-one celebrity poker tournaments, and pretty much the entire Olympics. Golf has decided it wants in on the all-star game phenomena.

This week, to coincide with the MLB’s midsummer classic, the USGA announced that it too will hold an ‘All-Star’ event, perhaps as early as 2020.

Officials stated their need for the decade long delay, to work out the kinks in the system, but most expert analysts, and Jim Nantz, believe golf will follow the baseball format.  Meaning: Players will be selected by flawed fan voting; the game will be played in the middle of a season to maximize player schedule disruption; there will be some sort of skills event (think putt putt, longest drive, and a ‘fan-interactive’ club toss); and players will be forced to wear stupid uniforms signifying the event.

Said one pro, “I think it’s great.  It will be so unlike the regular tour.  Instead of the best 120 golfers competing each weekend, this will take the best 100-120 golfers, and have them compete over a weekend.  But individually.”

True.  Unlike majors, where major titles, legacies, and reputations are made, a ‘Golf All-Star Event’, will allow the players to play for something they can’t get at regular events, majors, skins games, or charity pro-ams.  This will be an ‘All-Star’ tournament, mostly because it’ll say ‘All-Star’ on the trophy.

Said John Daly, “As long as there’s a Hooters nearby, I’m in”.  Then he continued, “Actually I’ll take a 7-11 if the beer is cold and they smell smokes.’” (can you say lock for fan-vote champion?).

Who knows, if successful, maybe tennis and boxing will follow suit.  This writer doesn’t just believe we ‘should’ have ‘All-Star’ Golf.  We need ‘All-Star’ Golf.  Hey, if the WNBA can have one, why not golf?

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

Twenty-five years ago Carl Lewis owned the ’84 Olympics.  Actually it might have been ’88, but stay with me.

Everyone in America knows these names: FloJo, Jackie Joyner Kersey, Mary Decker, Edwin Moses, and that weird guy from Russia who won like 300 straight pole vaults.  But, somehow track and field has lost its way.

Drugs, other sports, doping, TV, doping and drugs, and the fall of the importance of the Olympics each have played their part.  Now the governing body of Track and Field, the GBoTaF, has decided to take a pro-active role, by hiring a marketing firm to ‘rebrand’ their brand.

As of 2010, track and field will now be called ‘Adult Gym’.

Said one official,”We really feel this will make us more relatable to adults and kids. Every kid loves gym, and what adult wouldn’t love to back to the comic absurdity of gym class, opposed to working at his desk”.

And the argument has merit.  Many of track and fields main events are gym class staples: the triple jump, long jump, sprint, and 800.  This reporter can’t believe they haven’t dones this earlier.

And going forward, who wouldn’t like to see the pegboard, floor hockey, and dodgeball added to track events.  It would make them more interesting, and increase sponsorship potential.

Way to go, adult gym. I look forward to your next meet, where all of you have to wear the same outfit, including the reversible shirt.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Last night, in a stunning announcement, Brett Favre admitted that much his childhood hero, Spock, he is only half-human. The other half, it was discovered, is robotic.  Said Favre, ‘I’ve hid it for a long time, and I think it’s about time I spill my guts – well at least half of them anyway.’

The story broke prior to Brett’s appearance on sportscaster Joe Buck’s new HBO show.  But the rumors have been circulating for years.

Many consider Favre’s durability and arm strength impossible.  The 39 year old still possesses a cannon on his shoulder, and now it turns out, his arm “was in fact modeled after a howitzer”, said an anonymous source that this reporter tracked down in a remote robotic lab in Louisiana, which may in fact have constructed the quarterback.  “Look at his injury record”, the source continued. “He plays the hardest position in sports, and no one comes close to matching his durability.  I can’t believe people never put 2 and 2 together before. He never gets hurt because he can’t get hurt.”

Is it so far fetched? A half-robotic athlete? This reporter has seen the movie X-Men.  If they can do it with Wolverine, who’s to say some crazed scientist wouldn’t do it with a sports figure?  In fact, it helps explain the rationale of his countless retirements. The human side of him knows it’s time to quit, but the robotic half keeps telling him that’s just his emotions talking, and his robotic lifespan will allow another 20 years.

We’ll see come September if Brett will play again in the NFL, but at least now we have a better understanding of how he was built, why he never gets injured, and why his endless comebacks are so methodical.  It’s in his DNA and programming.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).

NEW YORK, NY – Amidst all the hoopla surrounding the new Yankee Stadium:  Is it home run friendly, is it too big, can A-Rod still choke when it matters in more spacious surroundings, etc., one thing has gone under the radar with local fans.  The team’s decision to alter the National Anthem.

In an effort to be more PC, team officials decided over the summer that starting this year, they were going to alter the song to assure no ethnicity, race, team, fan, political entity, and Islamic extremist was offended.

Said one Yankee spokesman, ‘First of all, call me spokesperson, so I don’t offend any females.  We thought that with a new President, and a new stadium, now would be the perfect time to show the world that the Yankees are expanding their brand.  It’s the right thing to do.  We expect it to catch on.”  Then he continued, “Plus in this economy, s***, we need as many people as possible to pay for the seats we totally overpriced.  S***, don’t print that last part.  If you do, I’ll just deny it.  Wait, is that a tape recorder.  F*** me.”—(inaudible commotion).

DBB research has obtained a few of the changes to the Yankee’s new version.
‘bombs bursting in air’, will be changed to ‘tireless peace talks’;
‘our flag was still there’, will be changed to ‘our flag was still there but we’re not occupiers, and we’re not here to colonize your Arab country’;
‘home of the brave’, will be changed to ‘home of the very cool’.

Is this going too far? Will the Yankees regret this decision?  Does anyone even listen to the anthem or are they getting beer and finding their seats? Short answer.  Maybe.

For more Shoeless Joe Jackson, and articles and videos that spin sports and comedy in ways ESPN isn’t allowed to, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (breaking balls every day).