WASHINGTON – The White House has approved the redesign of U.S. currency.  Barack Obama will be on the new dollar bill.

The Obama Administration feels that the American dollar is in bad need of a makeover.  They have partnered with the Dollar ReDe$ign Project to pick a new design for U.S. currency.  Currently, the design that the administration likes best was done by Dowling Duncan (a British duo), which features a unique vertical design.  It also features President Obama on the one dollar bill.

“We love the Dowling Duncan look.  They’ve come up with a creative design and put President Obama where he belongs… on number 1,” said David Axelrod, Senior Adviser to President Obama.

The Dollar Redesign Project was organized by creative strategy consultant Richard Smith.  He is still soliciting ideas for the dollar bill of the future. “Our great ‘rival’, the Euro, looks so spanky in comparison it seems the only clear way to revive this global recession is to rebrand and redesign,” the project notes on its website.

Here’s the web site for  The Dollar Redesign Project.

“Don’t waste your time submitting a design, it’s a done deal,” said Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff.  The President wants “change” in the currency and we’ve unanimously picked Dowling Duncan’s work.  Fed Chairman, Benjamin Bernanke, has signed off on our choice for the redesign.  We intend to have the money in circulation by June, 2011.”

Emanuel went on to say that there are plans to redo U.S. coins as well.  “We don’t need a complete redesign of our coins, but we do want to put President Obama on the penny and move President Lincoln to the nickel. Thomas Jefferson, who was on the nickel, will be… discontinued.”  Republican  Congressman Paul Ryan suggested President Obama be  put on both the “nickel and dime” instead of the penny.

Another American icon might also be replaced.  “Uncle Sam is outdated,” said Axelrod.  “We need to update this icon as well.  It will now be Uncle Barack.”

Republicans are apoplectic about the changes the Administration is proposing.  “They won’t get this passed when we get control of the house,” said Minority Leader John Boehner.  “Typical Republicans, they want to block everything, even a little meaningless design issue,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.  “It doesn’t matter what they think, we’re going to pass this and every American will be carrying Obama dollars in their wallets and purses come June, 2012.”

FYI:  The Obama dollar will reportedly be worth $0.47.

WASHINGTON – Obama is shaking up his White House staff and wants an “Alice In Wonderland” theme for his re-election year.

President Obama is planning a real “Tea Party”  in the White House. with characters from the Lewis Carroll novel, Alice In Wonderland.  “The President feels his White House will run just as effectively with The Mad Hatter as it does with Bob Daley and the rest of his current staff,” said a source close to the White House.

“White House officials were nervous to reveal the ‘new direction’ of the White House, especially with the state of the economy.  “The President was worried how average Americans might perceive his radical move, but he thinks that everyone needs to lighten up a bit and if he has a ‘fun” White House, then perhaps everyone will have more fun all across America,” said a White House.

Michelle Obama is getting into the new Alice theme at the White House, though she is having trouble with the Queen of Hearts.

Many staffers seemed very enamored with The White Rabbit for some reason.

Johnny Depp – as The Mad Hatter – will be President Obama’s new Chief of Staff.

And Nancy Pelosi will be part of the White House Tea Party.

 Harry Reid will be floating above the White House every day.

Wal-Mart inked a deal to pay the U.S. government $50 million a year to rename our galaxy.

The new name was announced yesterday at the White House with several prominent NASA and Wal-Mart executives in attendance.

The pact, first reported in June by the Los Angeles times is to be worth $50 million a year for the federal government.  A White House spokesman said that the President is trying to come up with creative ways of raising revenue – other than taxing the rich or cutting expenditures.  “The President is thinking out of the box, out of our solar system,” said the spokesman.

According to sources, The Milky Way will be the first celestial sponsorship offered by the government. , represents a substantial commitment for MetLife, the nation’s largest life insurer, which previously had paid for a “cornerstone” sponsorship promoting its brand in a corner of the stadium.

Elizabeth Hamels, chief marketing officer for Wal-Mart told WWN that Wal-Mart is “extremely pleased with the deal.  We believe Wal-Mart is an appropriate, and accurate, name for our galaxy.”

The White House believes that since NASA’s twin Voyager probes are peering outside our solar system, the name “Milky Way” will be in the press on a daily basis, it is a great deal for Wal-Mart.  ”Every time there is a news report or  article on our galaxy it will  be referred to as The Wal-Mart galaxy.   We think it’s a win-win situation.  Good for Wal-Mart, good for our economy and good for the universe because it’s a catchy name,” said a senior White House advisor.

“Honestly, the milk industry has been getting free publicity for years – not to mention that candy  bar – and we think it’s time that the government got its fair share.”

Insiders at The White House say that they will move quickly to get sponsorships for the planets in our solar system and our sun.  There are rumors that McDonald’s has made a “significant offer” to rename Earth – McDonald’s – and Apple has already moved to rename the Sun – Apple.  ”It makes sense that the biggest, and only star, in our solar system should be named Apple.   This was something that Steve Jobs was working on at the time of his death,” said  an Apple executive in Cupertino, California.

Here’s some possible sponsorships:

The Wal-Mart Way is the galaxy that contains our solar system.  The old name, “Milky Way” derived from its appearance as a dim un-resolved “milky” glowing band arching across the night sky.  The term “Milky Way” is a translation of the latin for “milky road.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill were quick to praise President Obama for his decision to sell sponsorships of astronomical bodies.  ”A few years ago, I paid a company to name a star after my wife, Landra, and this is basically the same thing on a bigger scale,”  Senator Harry Reid reportedly told WWN.

Nancy Pelosi is introducing a bill to block Apple from renaming the Sun.  Instead she would like our Sun to be renamed “Obama”.   “It is only right, that the source of life, the brightest light in the universe be named Obama,” Pelosi reportedly told the Washington Post.

KRAKOW – Polish politicians appeal to the basic instincts of their constituents to get votes.

There’s a hot new political trend in Poland.  Politicians are making sexy commercials in an attempt to win over voters.

The latest example:

Polish politician Katarzyna Lenart has created a videos in which she strips down to her bra in a bid to draw attention to her party and election campaign.

The video begins with the sexy 23-year-old sitting in a chair wearing a tight black suit. She then uncrosses her legs in a manner reminiscent of the famous Sharon Stone scene in Basic Instinct.

Lenart proceeds to take off her tie and throws it at the camera. Afterwards she spins around on her chair, stands up and pulls off her suit jacket.

Here’s another sexy Polish politician:

Things begin to get really hot and heavy when young politician slowly unbuttons her shirt. She then turns up the temperature by taking it off to reveal a pink bra.

The tease doesn’t end there as the SLD candidate yanks off her bra to show… well… nothing. A censored logo pops up just in time to maintain her modesty.

Lenart said although she was nervous when filming the political advert, she had to draw attention to her party and the election campaign.

‘My intention was to draw the attention of the media. Earlier I presented the youth SLD spot, but apparently went unnoticed,’ she said.

The politician added that there was a hidden message that many viewers were unable to decode.

U.S. Congresswoman, Nancy Pelosi, has seen the video, and many other sexy Polish political ads, and believes U.S. politicians (including herself) will follow the Polish lead.

Here’s Katarzyna Lenart’s video:

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has officially renamed the U.S. Government of the U.S. Federal Family.

President Barack Obama issued and Executive Order today that officially changes the name “U.S. Government” to “U.S. Federal Family.”

“President Obama feels that the term ‘government’ has taken on a bad connotation in the last decade, because of bad policies by previous administrations,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carny.  The government takes care of many of our citizens and we want the country to think of the government in a positive light.  That’s what the U.S. is now a ‘Federal Family’ rather than a ‘government’.  It’s much more positive and will make all Americans feel good about Washington.”

The phrase was repeatedly used this weekend in the “Federal Family’s” response to Hurricane Irene.

Here’ an example from an official FEMA document issued last Friday.

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

“The G-word, “government,”  has been nearly banished from all agencies,” said Nancy Pelosi, the minority leader of the House.  “The Republicans have made the G-word into something that upsets Americans.  Democrats want to make America great again, and the first step is to get rid of that ugly word.”

Professors around the country agree. “’Government’ is such a dirty word right now,” says Florida State University communication professor Davis Houck. “Part of what the federal government does and any elected official does is change the terms of the language game into terms that are favorable to them.”

“Family” can evoke favorable thoughts of motherhood and security, “says Nancy Pelosi.

In “the family” here is crazy Uncle Harry and wacky Aunt Nancy:

And here’s Papa:

The phrase “federal family” has been used before – in the 1930s, under President Franklin Roosevelt.

A Google search shows the phrase appearing 10 times on FEMA’s website during the Bush years. Since Obama took office, “federal family” has turned up 118 times on fema.gov, including 50 Irene-related references.

Among them: statements that the Obama administration “is committed to bringing all of the resources of the federal family to bear” for storm assistance and that “the entire federal family continues to lean forward to support the states in their ongoing response efforts.”

Republicans were quick to respond.  “This is another outrageous attempt by the Obama administration to manipulate language to control Americans,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Boehner doubts that “Federa Family” will give the public a warm and fuzzy view of Washington.

“Will it create jobs?” Boehner asked rhetorically. “Hell no, it won’t!!”

“We really like the new label,” said Senator Harry Reid.  “People will have a hard time believing that your ‘family’ would to anything to harm you.  I think this will be a major step in bringing America back to greatness.

Make sure you pay your taxes to your Federal Family next April 15th – or you will be spanked!!

WASHINGTON, DC – The Super Congress met in secret last night. Word leaked that they will make the stock market rise and heal the earth!

Last night, the Super Congress, whose members have not yet been announced to the public, met and decided that the will not only  find $1.5 trillion in cuts over the next decade (which they were tasked to do), but they will also make the stock rise to 13,000 in the next month.

On Monday, President Barack Obama said that he hoped the committee would be able to find common ground and take a collaborative approach, in light of the decision by Standard & Poor’s to downgrade the United States’ debt and Monday’s subsequent market selloff.

But sources close to these extraordinary superhumans, who have have put on the committee, not only found common ground, they have found a way to get the stock market roaring back.

“The ideas they 12 members of The Super Congress were discussing were even better than the ideas the founding fathers had,” said on Congressional aide who was lucky enough to overhear a few words.

“I was in tears,” said another aide.  “The Super Congress is going to save America and the world.  Our children and grandchildren will have much better lives than we do, thanks to the Super Congress.  God Bless the Super Congress.”

The names of the Super Congress have not been released for fear of public reaction.

But one member of The Super Congress told Frank Lake of WWN, “Have no fear.  The Super Congress will restore America to greatness… by Labor Day!”  The anonymous member of The Super Congress went on to say that fixing the American economy was the easy part, “we will also heal the earth, feed all the starving people in the world and solve the mystery of high heels.”

The Super Congress plans to raise over $50 trillion dollars, without making any cuts and without any new taxes.  “I wish I had a Super Congress brain,” said ex-Senator Evan Bayh.  “These men and women are miracle makers.”  Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, said that it was his prayers over the weekend that “instilled brilliance in The Super Congress.  “The Lord answered my prayers, and the Super Congress will save our country.”

Meanwhile, President Barack Obama had another successful night of fundraising.  “Why not, fundraise?” said Jay Carney.  “The Super Congress will save us all.”

Illustrations by

WASHINGTON -   For the first time in history the U.S. credit rating was downgraded – and the White House celebrated in style!

Standard & Poor’s announced Friday night that it has downgraded the sterling U.S. credit rating for the first time in the nation’s history.  The Obama Administration not only shrugged off the announcement, and held another barbecue party before the President headed to Camp David for more parties this weekend.

“We’re still AA+,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.  “An A+ is an A+, we’re still at the top of the class.  If we were downgraded to a B or B+ we would be concerned, but we’re still A rated!”

Obama’s had it’s second Hip-Hop BBQ in two days.   The President had Earth, Wind and Fire over to the White House along with Jay-Z, Beyonce and Oprah.  They all danced in a conga line around Tim Geithner, the Treasury Secretary, who seem unfazed by the downgrade.

“It’s a tiny downgrade, we’ll be upgraded soon.  It’s no big deal.  Have another mojito,” said Geithner to WWN’s Frank Lake.

S&P decided to lower the AAA rating, held by the United States for 70 years, to AA+ after a bipartisan debt deal signed into law this week failed to assuage concerns about the nation’s growing spending.

Analysts have said a downgrade could increase the cost of borrowingfor the U.S. government and lead to tens of billions of dollars in more interest costs per year. That could translate into higher borrowing for consumers and businesses, too.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were at the White House “dancing barefoot in the Rose Garden.”

“The downgrade does not affect the White House,” said one White House insider, “we all just got 20% pay raises!”

Tom Hanks danced on a piano rug with Susan Sarandon.

WASHINGTON, DC -  Nancy Pelosi went on all the news shows to make a proclamation:  the world will end on August 2nd!

“What we’re trying to do is save the world from the Republican budget. We’re trying to save life on this planet as we know it today.”

Nancy Pelosi is convinced that there will NOT be an agreement on raising the debt ceiling by Tuesday.

“This will call the U.S. to default and the world financial markets will collapse,” Pelosi said.  “That will leave to a total collapse of everything we have ever known.”  Pelosi predicted that the markets collapsing will then cause the riots and revolutions and… then there will be volcanoes, earthquakes, “and the earth’s core will explode.”

Pelosi said the earth will explode into a “gazillion pieces” by midnight on Tuesday.  “If we do not raise the debt ceiling – life will end, the earth and the universe will cease to exist.”

Pelosi is also predicting an extremely painful – but quick – death for every individual on the planet.

“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised, most people will experience horrific pains in their brains and hearts.  These pains will grow in intensity until the brain and heart explode.  The explosion will hurt even more.  We must raise the debt celing.”

Who does Pelosi blame for the end of the world and the death of every citizen of earth?

The Tea Party.

“The Tea Party has ruined the world.  When the history of the universe is written, the Tea Party will be the villains that caused the world as we know it to end.  The Tea Party, collectively, is Satan.

Pelosi ended her press conference by saying, “have a nice day.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study has determined that 83% of the members of Congress are certified morons!

The Kennedy School of Government did a longitudinal study over the last 30 years that looked at the average IQ of members of Congress – the Senate & House of Representatives.

The study found that, despite the many advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and despite the fact that many in Congress are millionaires, the average IQ of U.S. Representatives is 101.   The average IQ of U.S. Senators, is surprisingly, even lower at 98.

“We spent one hour a month with each member of Congress over the last thirty years.  We gave them a number of IQ tests – including math problems, verbal problems and analytic reasoning problems.  The results were consistent year-in-year out.  Members of Congress are morons,” said Professor Thomas Turley of Harvard.

So what is a moron?  A moron is a person whose IQ is less than 100 on a consistent basis.

The lowest IQs were typically the leaders of the two-parties.

In response to the study, Senator Harry Reid said, “Is that bacon?”

John Boehner said, “Hand me a tissue.”

Nancy Pelosi said that she would have to read the study before she could make a comment on it.  But, before reading it, she said that she thought it was “stupid.”  People who do studies at Harvard are stupid.  It’s just stupid to do studies about morons. Who funded this?”

Nancy Pelosi approved the funding of  The Moron Study back in 2009.

83% is a large number of morons, but is it the same percentage in the general population?

“Only 7% of normal citizens are certified morons,” said John Murtaugh, the leader of the Harvard Study.  “Except in Hollywood.  The rate there is close to 49%, but that’s still nowhere near the level we find in Congress.”

So, why do Americans keep electing morons?

“Morons have one common strength: the ability to dupe intelligent people.”

Many are suggesting that potential candidates be given an IQ test BEFORE they are allowed to run for Congress.

But that idea was shot down by Congress.

Morons.

NEW YORK – Rep. Anthony Weiner entered treatment for his online sexting affairs at an online rehabilitation facility.

Weiner, after ignoring pleas to step down from high-ranking democrats such as Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, has signed up with www.SextHelp.com. The site offers comprehensive group therapy sessions for sexting addicts as well as one-on-one Skype meetings with medical professionals.

The organization boasts a clear motto – “No photos! No fantasies!” – all over its site.

Weiner has refused to resign, hoping his constituents will see him through what he has called “his sloppy sexting.”

Voters in New York’s 9th District weren’t surprised to learn that Weiner looked to the web for help with his addiction.

“It’s typical Weiner. He’s going to the source,” said John Crispino of Howard Beach.