Seeking to further disrupt Town Hall health care meetings Republicans have sent in their secret weapon, Manigator!

Dissent over the Presidents proposed health care reforms has been spearheaded by vitriolic town hall meetings.  Debate on the nature of health care reform has been effectively drowned out by raucous and vitriolic shouting matches between conservative citizens and often effite Democrat speakers.  So successful has this been that Republicans have called in the infamous rabble rouser, Manigator.

Wanted in several states and banned from entering Canada Manigator has been seen at several of the town halls.  Loud, beligerrent, and usually drunk, the presence of the half man half alligator mutant makes it impossible for Democrat speakers to talk about health care.  Any intelligent discussion of the facts is quickly drowned out by his drunken shenanigans.

An inside source tells us that two weeks ago Republican officials went down to the Everglades to find Manigator in his trailor.  Knowing he had been an avid McCain supporter they offered to fly him to various town halls across the country.  In exchange he wanted a carton of smokes for each trip, a case of cheap beer, and an autographed picture of Megan McCain.

Since then he has been seen at town halls across the country.  In Kentucky he was videotaped saying “You ain’t gonna make me socialist!  This is America, an’ we all live ‘n breathe for American way! An’ that’s trucks ‘n stuff not, whatever.  NOBAMA!”  In Pennsylvania when the speaker asked him to please be quiet or leave, he climbed on top of the podium and, with a beer in each hand, led the crowd in chanting “Just Say No!”  At a Michigan event last week he went off on Death Panels saying “Man, jury duty’s bad enough.  But this, no way.  Uncle Sam ain’t tellin’ me what to do!”  The many rednecks in the audience began clapping wildly at his words.  Frustrated, the Democrat Senator who was there to speak threw down his notes and left the room.  The rednecks wheeled their elderly relatives whom they brought as props to the front of the room and began an impromptu wheelchair square dance.  Manigator was soon passed out in the corner with a bottle of Jack in his hands.

With these successes under their belts, Manigator’s handlers wanted to set him loose at the Obama town hall held yesterday.  Unfortunately Secret Service agents recognized the mutant at once and would not let him in to the assembly.  He spent much of the day rallying conservative supporters outside the New Hampshire school, and hitting on any woman who looked his way.   By 5pm he was running away from local police for 8 counts of public urination and stealing a policeman’s hat.

Whether Republicans will continue to use Manigator in this way is unclear.  Democrat organizers are now suggesting that anyone wishing to attend their town halls make sure their shots are up to date.

LONG ISLAND – Yesterday an explosion rocked the Plum Island Animal Disease Center.  The cause of the explosion is unknown, but it was heard as far as North Hampton. Shortly thereafter the eastern shore of Long Island was overrun with giant mutated monsters.

Plum Island is located just off the north-east coast of Long Island, NY.  During the Cold War, the Disease Center was used as a biological warfare research facility.  Some claim many well known diseases, such as Lyme disease, were created in the facility’s infamous Building 257.    Officially the Center now studies foreign animal diseases to protect American livestock. However, it has long been suspected of conducting unorthodox experiments which create monsters.

Shortly after yesterday’s explosion mutated monsters appeared on Long Island’s southern coast, causing chaos among New York’s most affluent.  Having just started their four-day weekend, Long Islanders were thrown into a panic when giant squids and indescribable hybrid creatures started crawling onto shore.

Brunch goers in across the island dropped their mimosas in shock when the creatures struck.  Pottery Barn was thrown into anarchy when it was attacked by a giant monster.  Hysterical men in polo shirts took to the streets to running away from a six armed gopher that invaded the golf course.  Women ran half naked from a tanning salon when giant iguanas were attracted to the heat.    Frightened trust-fund children fled the beach upon the arrival of a giant squid with a swarthy moustache.  Eight Eyed spider-monkeys took over the local Gymboree.  The Montauk lighthouse suffered severe structural damage after being humped by a 30 ft. tall Shar Pei.

Government forces are currently containing the disaster; collecting the creatures and suppressing coverage by the press.  The Plum Island Animal Disease Center is expected to continue its research soon.

Conjoined twins Millie and Christine McCoy were born slaves, but the sisters became such successful entertainers that they bought the plantation where they were born!

Joined at the base of their spine, the twins weighed a total of 17 pounds when they were born in Columbus County, NC in 1851.

As children Millie and Christine were sold several times. At the age of 10, they became the property of J.P. Smith of Wadesboro and he started exhibiting the twins in traveling shows. He and his wife provided the twins with an education and taught them to dance, play music and sing, and even speak five languages.

The McCoy twins, who thought of themselves as one woman with two heads, were kidnapped during a show in New Orleans and spirited off to England. But the kidnapper’s plans became complicated when the United Kingdom banned slavery, and Smith and the girls’ mother soon found them.

After the Civil War their career took off. They went by the stage names “The Two-Headed Nightingale” and “The Eighth Wonder of the World”, and often appeared with the famous Barnum circus.

The McCoy twins performed their song-and-dance act before Queen Victoria and retired rich in 1892. They bought the plantation where they were born and built several houses for their relatives. They also built a church and a school for black children.

“Millie was more quiet and shy,” said Lloyd Inman, the twins’ great-great nephew. “She liked to crochet and do embroidery. She also did all the decorating for the 10-room Victorian house they buily as a retirement home.

“And they were amazingly close,” Inman continued. “If Christine was talking to you, Millie could be talking to someone else and then pick up the conversation Christine was having in mid-sentence.”

Millied died of tuberculosis on October 8, 1912, and doctors said that even then it was impossible to separate the twins.

Christine lay in bed beside her dead twin sister, singing hymns and praying that she would die quickly. Seventeen hours later she was dead.

Their tombstone reads: “A soul with two thoughts. Two hearts that beat as one.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Lil’ Kim may be performing on “Dancing with the Stars” with a human, but insiders revealed that Kim spent weeks practicing with a mutant dancer!

“Dancing with the Stars” is a highly successful reality series, in which celebrities are paired with professional ballroom dancers to compete live on-air. Like most shows, DWTS has made twist choices to keep it fresh every season. Season 4 featured Heather Mills, a one-legged former model, and the current season was to feature singer Jewel and her husband Ty Murray, before she was forced to drop out due to injury.

This season’s injury bad luck did not stop with just the celebrities. Lil’ Kim, a famous female rapper, was originally paired up with Jackson Lee, a swing dancer champion with a special advantage: a tail! Lacey Schwimmer, a fellow dance contestant, explained, “Everyone was in awe of him. That tail was like a counter-balance, he could pull off moves I’ve never seen!”

Schwimmer showed Weekly World News reporters video of Lee balancing on one hand and lifting Kim above his head using only his tail!

Sadly, mere days before the show was to begin, Lee walked in on Steve Wozniak changing and his tail fell off from fright. Lee must spend months recooperating at home, waiting for his new tail to grow in.

The Cryptids & Humanoids Alliance Against Defamation stated, “While we were very pleased with ABC’s selection of a mutant to be on primetime, we are disappointed with the human replacement. It is well known Jim Morgan the three-legged cha-cha champion was available. His glaring omission seems intentional.”

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy was spotted taking part in Proposition 8 protests this past weekend.

All across the country, citizens united in protest of California’s Proposition 8 to strictly define marriage between a man and a woman, as well as other anti-same-sex marriage laws that were passed on November 4.

Bat Boy was seen outside City Hall with “PROP 8″ with an X through it painted across his chest. While Bat Boy was unable to convey his feelings through words, he did send his high-pitched squeaks of dissent echoing across the plaza.

Many mutants turned out for these protests. Mutant rights organizers explained that a number of mutants, such as the Manigator, are born from interspecial relations. Legalizing gay marriage is one step closer to allowing these unconventional unions to be officially recognized.

Manigator was not present at the rallies, as he was too busy getting “tore up” with his sewer alligator cousins.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Obatma appeared on Larry King Live last night to “tell” his life story.

Due to his inability to form human words, Obatma used an easel and markers to describe his difficult childhood in Kenya. Obatma grew up in the total darkness of caves with only wall paintings to keep him entertained. He did not disclose how he ended up there, only that he felt very alone and neglected.

He then went on to explain how he was discovered by a local university professor, who upon seeing him, made the connection with President Elect Barack Obama. His description of the day he was led out of the darkness to meet his new half-brother left many viewers extremely touched. Obatma’s drawings of his acceptance into his new Obama family even had King shedding a tear.

Democratic Party insiders noted that this personal appeal may be in preparation of his rumored appointment to Obama’s presidential cabinet as Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. One source explained, “We’ve got to make him as cute as possible for the American public to accept him and the new Bureau. Humans will not want to feel like Obama is putting creepy mutants before us.”

KANSAS CITY, MO – At a Kansas City rally, Michelle Obama brought Obatma on stage and proudly accepted him into the Obama family!

During  a Vote for Change rally, Michelle spoke about her passion for helping American families thrive. “Policies that support families aren’t political issues. They’re personal. They’re the causes I carry with me every single day.

“My own family must thrive as well. While I was hesitant in the beginning, I’ve decidedly to support my husband’s policies and feelings towards mutant-Americans, and embrace a new member of our family! Come on up, Obatma!”

The crowd jumped to their feet and cheered as Obama’s half-human half-bat half-brother, little Obatma, scurried up the stairs to embrace Michelle.

While incapable of human speech, he did shriek loudly into the mic, causing one of the speakers to blow out.

Political analysts believe Michelle’s show of tolerance and love will bring any undecided mutants and mutant-sympathizers to the Democratic side.

BREAKING NEWS: In a new study, scientists are researching the missing link between fish and land animals.

The New York Times has revealed the Tiktaalik, a fossil fish that lived over 375 million years ago. It’s skeletal structure indicates it may have made brief trips onto land.

It is now believed that the half-human half-fish that washed ashore during Hurricane Ike was its successor the evolutionary chain! Dr. Carr is traveling with the mutant corpse to compare it against the Tiktaalik fossil.

Weekly World News will as always be following these groundbreaking updates.

09/16/2008 – A fish with human legs washed up on a Galveston, Texas beach late Sunday night and experts now say that hundreds or even thousands of similar creatures might be living in the depths of the sea!

That’s the word from Dr. Richard Carr, a marine biologist who performed an autopsy on the fish and said that even though it appears to be a freak of nature, it had a “fully developed female reproductive tract—and almost certainly gave birth to other creatures just like it.”

“When this thing washed up on the beach some people, including police, thought they were being made the victims of a sick practical joke,” the expert said in his report to newsmen in Houston.

“But this fish isn’t a joke,” he continued. “This fish is real. And unless I miss my guess, it was mature enough to have laid thousands of eggs before it washed ashore.

“That means that entire schools and colonies of these things might be existing beneath the sea, totally unknown to all of us.”

The mind-twisting drama reportedly unfolded on the morning of September 15, when a couple of emergency workers spotted the 5-foot 2-inch fish on an isolated beach.

“Somebody had the presence of mind to call the police,” said Carr, who has written several books on marine life and is considered to have one of the finest minds in his field.

“The officers who went out to investigate clearly thought that somebody was playing a practical joke but they protected the carcass and alerted my office just in case. My assistants and I took the fish back to the laboratory and we were stunned by what we found.

“Flesh removed from the creature’s legs proved to be almost identical to the flesh of humans, the exception being the presence of a waxy substance that protected the skin from contact with water.

“The body of the creature looks like a sea trout, and the internal organs were arranged in the fashion of an ordinary fish. The brain was slightly larger and more sophisticated than what you would expect to find in a fish, but we will have to take a much closer look at it before we’ll be willing to say that the creature was smarter than any other fish.

“It was dead when it washed ashore, most likely pulled up from the depths by Hurricane Ike,” he added.

Carr and his team have preserved the remains of the creature while they continue their analysis. They are also seeking grants to finance a search for other half-fish, half-humans, that may be in the area.

“We really don’t know what kind of life-forms exist under the sea,” said the expert. “And I think it’s time we found out.”

MUSCATINE, Iowa — A local hospital recently revealed that Allan Collinson, son of Ted and Dede Collinson, was born with fragmented, refracted eyes.

“At first I thought they were just really, really bright,” said his proud but confused mother. “Like he was angelic or something. But when they handed the swaddled newborn to me and I looked close, I saw they were like diamonds. That’s when I started talking real loud and real fast. I didn’t want to start screaming, ’cause that might scare the baby.”

“We call them ‘multi-faceted ocularities,’” explained Dr. Wayne Dickens, the country’s leading optometrist/pediatrician, who traveled from Accokeek, Maryland to offer his assistance to the family. “Even though little Allan is the first child born with this condition, we’ve been expecting this for some time now. In this age of PCs, video iPods, videogames, cell phones, HD-TVs, those wonderful Blu-ray players, and every other light source today’s generation stares into for hours at a stretch, it was only a matter of time before nature took its course.”

Dr. Dickens foresees a time in the not-so-distant future when all newborn eyes will be genetically predisposed to handle the demands put on them by the modern age. “This is not an aberration. This is evolution!” For their part, mama and papa Collinson are just happy that baby Allan has all his fingers and toes.

“I’m told it will look, to him, like he has about eight hundred digits, but he’ll get used to that,” his mother said. “Right,” agreed Ted. “If he had come out a full-fledged fly-baby, we’d be a little concerned — though we wouldn’t love him any less.”

For now he’s just the couple’s bright-eyed boy. “Though you don’t get into a staring contest with him,” Ted added. “Trust me, you’d lose.”