NEW YORK, NY – Fox News stated yesterday that America is not pure since people marry “other species and ethnics.”  Mutants around the country are now up in arms.

On the Fox and Friends morning show Brian Kilmead made the comment that a French study on Alzheimers in marriage did not apply to Americans because “we keep marrying other species and ethnics.”  He went on “See, the problem is the Swedes have pure genes. Because they marry other Swedes…. Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America we marry everybody.”

Take a look:

America’s mutant population is furious at the comment.  Spokesman from the Mutant Anti-Defamation League Gary Wannamaker said “We feel Mr. Kilmead’s comments that we take away from the purity of American society is ignorant and offensive.  In many ways, mutants add to the richness of American life.”  Mr. Wannamaker described the work he had done with Habitat for Humanity with his half-spider wife and their 47 children.

America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, took to the streets to protest outside the Fox News Headquarters in New York.  Bat Boy, still in town from the July 4th celebrations, was outraged at what he had seen on a television in a store window.  The precocious mutant marched alone in protest outside Fox’s midtown headquarters for hours with a homemade sign.  In time he was joined by Manigator, still wanted in this state for impersonating a doctor, and in town for reasons yet unknown.

When asked what they had to say about the comment Bat Boy screeched especially loudly, pointing angrily at the Fox News headquarters, then bit off a section of his own sign.  Manigator had this to say “Heythereman, ya know, cause, They said mutants is bad, ‘n not pure, an This is AMERICA!  Thank You!?  Land of the braves, who’re they to tell me I gotta wear pants in Times Square when ain’t a bit a…”  That was when he passed out, spilling his 40 of malt liquor.

Fox News’ comments calling for a purification of American society has received some positive feedback.  A fraternal brotherhood based out of the south which wishes to remain anonymous has expressed their support, as have several elderly Germans living in South America.  Glenn Beck is expected to cry about this later today.

WASILLA, AK – Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska last week.  In a startling press conference, she has revealed her new mission: hunting Bigfoot.

Sarah Palin has officially resigned as Governor of Alaska, in a move she swears has nothing to do with an ongoing police investigation.  Residents of the state, in an outpouring of support, took to the streets waving signs saying “We Love You Sarah!” and pictures of bikini models with her face glued on.  Palin gave her last speech as Governor in her favorite bar; out of respect, hot wings were half off for the next hour.

Over the weekend Palin held the much anticipated press conference to announce her new project.  Inviting members of the press into her home yet again, she brought them into her previously unseen trophy room.  After several minutes of down-homey speaking and adorably incorrect grammar, she removed the sheet hanging behind her to reveal the mounted heads of a dozen sasquatches and several other cryptids.  “My new purpose in life” she said “is to bring the joy of hunting these elusive creatures to as many people as possible!”

In the official press packet delivered to media outlets, Palin’s plan was more clearly outlined.  She hopes to advocate the mass hunting of Bigfoot in America.  Starting in Alaska she will work to not only remove limits on hunting the endangered species, but encourage as many people as possible to do so.  “The existence of this so-called ‘Missing Link’ is a slap in the face to God, and the faith of real Americans.”

Palin has a history of hunting Bigfoot, as documented last year by Weekly World News.

Once done in Alaska, she hopes to move on to other states, encouraging the hunting of other animals whose existence calls to question a literal interpretation of the Bible.  Placed upon her wall were the heads of a dozen Sasquatches, several Chupacabra, the horn of a narwhal, and one Jersey Devil.

Heads of the Mutant Anti-Defamation League are up in arms over this move.  They believe that encouraging violence towards these creatures could easily lead to people hunting mutants as well.  Environmental groups are also furious at the ecological impact of intentionally hunting several rare species into extinction.

In response to questions raised by these groups, Palin simply shrugged and smiled, saying, “I just gotta be me!”

LEON, SAMOA – A Fiji Mermaid was denied federal student aid, and debate over mutant and Islander rights has exploded.

Jason Ratu Choudhry is a mermaid of Fiji descent living in American Samoa.  His family swam away from their homeland during the military coup of 2000 with only whatever possessions they could strap to their fins.

Jason had hoped to enroll at college this year, but he is being denied Federal financial student aid.  The government is denying Jason’s request since he is technically not a US citizen.  Mr. and Mrs. Choudhry believe he is being treated unfairly due to being a Fijian and a mermaid.

“Dozens of times we have applied for citizenship!” says Arthur Choudhry.  “But Samoa isn’t a state, so that made things difficult.  Then the form asked for race, and there was no box to write in mermaid!  Then we were told to go through the Bureau of Mutant Affairs, and they don’t have an office within 800 miles of here!”

Arthur Choudhry has worked with the Coast Guard for eight years and his wife Maria works at the local aquarium.  Without financial aid they cannot afford to send Jason or to college.  Currently Jason helps bring money into the home by posing for pictures with tourists who pretend to have caught him with a fishing rod.

Mutant and Islander rights groups are up in arms over the issue believing this is indicative of the unfair treatment given to two underrepresented minorities.  Debate has begun again in the halls of Washington over what rights should be given to island territories and mutants seeking citizenship.  Opponents claim that providing assistance denies the territories cultural identity, and in this economy the last thing the government needs is to hand out more money.

The National Association for the Advancement of Cryptid-People in conjunction with the Mutant Anti-Defamation League is putting together a fund that will allow Jason to go to school in the fall.

Jason hopes to attend NYU or UCal to study Underwater Archeology and French.