SALT LAKE CITY – Utah has decided to legalize polygamy for all its citizens.

Utah lawmakers have decided to move forward with a bill that would legalize polygamy.

Current Utah Law (Article 3) states that ”polygamous or plural marriages are forever prohibited.”  But according to Article 3, you can hold whatever religious beliefs you want.  Utah will never prosecute you for your religious beliefs. However being a polygamist and acting upon your beliefs is completely out of the question.

That’s been the conundrum for Utah lawmakers… until now.  “We have to change the laws to match the beliefs of our citizens and a man having more than one wife, just makes sense!”, said Utah Speaker of the house, Blake Smith (D).

Over the years, authorities have looked the other way with regard to polygamous behavior and have instead focused on any abuse of children, kidnapping or any other domestic abuse.

Under current Utah Law bigamy is a felony of the third degree.

The news of the new Utah bill coincides with TLC airing its new reality show, Sister Wives, about a man with three wives – and soon a fourth – and his 12 kids.. The man, Kody Brown.  says, “polygamy is just another word for paradise.”

The husband is happy. The wives are happy. The children are polite and helpful.   “It’s perfect, it’s heaven,” said Brown.  “Variety is the spice of life and… I am enjoying my life.”

Advertising salesman Brown lives somewhere in Utah with Meri, his wife of 20 years, Janelle, his wife of 17 years, and Christine, his wife of 16 years. “I like marriage, and I’m a repeat offender,” he says.

He identifies himself as Mormon, though he is not a member of the mainstream faith that has banned “the lifestyle,” he notes.  “The lifestyle.” You’ll hear that expression tossed around a lot in the one-hour premiere.

The wives are the biggest advocates, arguing it guarantees security to their children. If one of them were to die, the other wives would step in to raise the kids. The extended clan lives in a large house that is subdivided into separate but adjoining apartments for each of the wives and their children.

“Look, it’s better for women to share one stable, solid, good man than to be with a no-good man who can’t even support himself.   It’s the way the world is supposed to work.  Women want men with money, power and status and men want variety and beauty.  Polygamy is the natural way for human beings to mate, have a family,” said Monica Creighton, another polygamist in Utah.

Utah lawmakers hope to have the bill ready to be signed by Governor Gary R. Herbert by December.  They expect a large influx of new residents.

I’m madder than a diabetic in a Dairy Queen at that Glenn Beck guy!

I’ve been America’s angriest right wing pundit since Bush was a bean sprout. But now this Glenn Beck guy comes along and gets rich imitating ME!

OK, Glenn Beck doesn’t copy me exactly. He’s a Mormon, first off, and that’s a make believe church like Amway, except Mormons don’t try to sell you dish soap. And he quit drinking years ago, although damned if you’d notice any.

Glenn Beck has this new idea on his TV show. I’m all for tanning the Government’s hide and waving the Stars & Stripes, don’t get me wrong.

But Beck’s notion is pretty hard to follow. Seems you gotta chop up a cobra, throw in some tea bags, and divide it by Seven Dwarves. Then the music goes “woosh!” and stuff spins around and there’s a big “kaboom.” We all hold hands and cry. The End.

Beck quotes Benjamin Franklin a lot these days. Stuff like, “Rattlesnakes’ rattles don’t rattle if you battle with the rattle!” Well, old Ben Franklin used to say a lotta things, like, “Crazy naked party at my place!” (That man spent way too much time in France for my liking…)

First and last time I saw Glenn Beck was at the big goodbye “do” at the White House for “W”. Beck was too busy sucking up all the crab dip to say much, so for all I know the boy’s in his right mind and just a little funny looking.

Glenn, you gotta stop that crying, son! Join a real church, maybe start drinking again. And if you ever need a break from TV, call me and I’ll sit in for you – no charge!

My heart’s as broken as the Liberty Bell about saying goodbye to President Bush.

Last week, I visited the White House for a farewell lunch with the great man. Lots of other big time patriotic pundits were there, too. Rush ate all the good donuts. Barney humped Hannity’s leg. (I think he liked it). Boortz left his cell phone on, so for a second it was like a bunch of gay boys were singing from inside his pants.

Also, somebody farted. (I’m guessing the Mormon…)

We looked out onto the Rose Garden one last time, before the new guy starts using it to grow marijuana for his unicorn.

We asked the President if he had any regrets, besides not getting to nuke anybody?

Bush said he wished he’d drilled for oil up in Alaska.

“That’ll never happen now,” the President mused. “Not after the new guy beat What’s His Name and That Lady With The Glasses.”

The President even let us in on some top secret stuff, like how that nuclear football isn’t really a football – “Boy, was that a fox paw!” — and that his Secret Service nickname was “Smirky McHitler.”

“Lottsa Dems at Treasury…” Bush explained in a nervous whisper.

As we waved goodbye, I thought about our beautiful White House being taken over by draft dodgers and drunks and illegal-alien-lovers and idiots out to destroy our great capitalist system and — well, the excitement must’ve got to me right about then and I started getting a little mixed up…

Anyway, my fellow Americans, we’ve got one last day not to think about the horrible future let lies ahead. Let’s remember happier times gone by, back before they made a guy with a funny name the President, and let Mormons on the radio.