CAPE CORAL, FL – An alligator was found trapped in a manhole, and mischievous mutant Manigator claims he had nothing to do with it.

Construction workers had stumbled upon the alligator when they removed the manhole cover to check some pipes. Trappers were called, who attempted to lure the gator out with recorded mating calls, but it would not budge.

Officials quickly turned to Cape Coral’s newest resident Manigator for an explanation, who played dumb. It is believed the half-man half-alligator mutant dared his cousin into going into the sewers, but Manigator is adamant about no wrongdoing: “No way, nuh uh, I ain’t (hiccup) never done nothing like that! Billy Joe (hiccup) ended up down there by himself, ain’t got nothing to do with (hiccup) me!”

Although clearly inebriated, Manigator was forced by the Sherriff to help in the removal process. He alone was able to lure the reptile out with homebrewed swamp water moonshine and issues of adult magazine Live Young Gators.

When police warned them not to play near sewers again, Manigator gave him the finger and scurried off into the trees with Billy Joe.

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

Manigator has tossed Paris aside for a new overexposed celebrity.

Although reported to be dating the recently single Paris Hilton, it appears that Manigator has set his reptilian sights on the newest rumored single lady: Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay began seeing British DJ Samantha Ronson this past year. While the press speculated on the nature of their relationship for some time, Lohan has recently been very open about the two being in love.

But recent reports of the Lindsay and Sam seeking couples counseling has led some to believe the relationship is on its way out. And the Manigator has spotted his way in! While unaware of Ellen’s preferences when he courted her, he has only been further tempted by Lindsay’s bisexuality and believes he can turn her to his interspecial ways.

Manigator has been showing up at Sam’s DJing nights wearing his own special swamp-brewed cologne, a mixture of rotting vegetation and moonshine. Thus far his efforts to persuade Lindsay have been moot, as evidenced by her latest Facebook post:

oy vey! rumors…

just to clear this up… because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question.

manigator and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT getting together

i know what was published but i did NOT make out with him (it?) last night.

he got kicked out after like five minutes cause he bit a bouncer!

so over men. and half-men.

take care
xxLL