BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

BOURBON COUNTY – Killer Cows, first discovered in South Texas last year, ambled into Kansas today. Local residents are frightened.

SPRINGFIELD, MO – Some shoppers were not in the holiday spirit, when a man was stabbed with an ice pick over a parking space!

ST. LOUIS, MO – President Obama threw out the first pitch at the 2009 All-Star Game. But a certain little mutant made off with the ball!

COLUMBIA, MO – Obatma and Bat Boy are returning to Chicago to celebrate Senator Obama’s victory!

KANSAS CITY, MO – At a Kansas City rally, Michelle Obama brought Obatma on stage and proudly accepted him into the Obama family!

Obatma has been on a road tour with Bat Boy rallying support for the Democratic candidate. The two are making appearances in key swing states, happily handing out stickers and posing for pictures.

Jehovah’s Witnesses will start toting bullhorns to ensure their message is heard!