LAS VEGAS — Physicist Stephen Hawking has signed on to be a judge at the 2011 Miss USA Pageant next month.

Hawking appears delighted by the invitation. He told reporters outside of his University of Cambridge office, “This is as close as I’ll get to an afterlife.”

Officials at the Miss USA Organization, were impressed by Hawking’s extensive research in cosmology and offered him a spot on the coveted judging roster.

Veronica Jennings, publicity manager for the Trump Organization, shared the news at a news conference at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas on Monday. “Like Mr. Hawking, we believe there is a science to beauty. We plan to seat him next to Johnny Weir.”

Vegas oddsmakers predict Hawking will go for either Miss Vermont or Miss Massachusetts.

According to Hawking’s web site, beauty is expressed mathematically as a ratio of 1.618.

CAIRO – Miss USA, Rima Fakih, has packed her bags and moved to Egypt.

The above photograph was taken at the site of Giza Pyramids, Egypt, Monday, Oct. 4, 2010.  Rima Fakih, 24,  a Lebanese immigrant from Dearborn, Mich. who spurred celebrations among Arab-Americans when she won Miss USA 2010, went to Egypt on a holiday and loved it so much that she has decided to stay.

“I love the people, I love the culture, I love the weather.  I’m staying,”  said Fakih.

Fakih, who in addition to being Miss USA, is a world-champion pole-dancer, having one the Gold Medal in World Pole Dancing Competitions (held at Scores in Manhattan) three years in a row.  “There’s never been a better dancer on a pole.  I guarantee that,”  said Scores owner Robbie Jenks.  “She’s a gymnast, a contortionist, an illusionist and she looks damn good in that bikini.”

Fakih hasn’t said what she plans on doing in Egypt, but some sources say that she is moving to Egypt because she is still upset that Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, won the Miss World competition in Las Vegas this summer.  “I should have won.  The judges were sympathetic to Jimena because of that stupid Arizona law.  I should be Miss World.”

Egyptian men are very excited that Fakih is leaving American for Egypt.  “Very smart girl. Very, very smart girl,” said Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. “We intend to start building a new pyramid in her honor.”

The news that Fakih is moving to Cairo and wants to immediately claim the Miss Egypt crown, does not sit well with reigning Miss Egypt, Sara Elkhouly (pictured here):

“Who does she think she is coming to my country and claiming my crown!” said Elkhouly.  “Look at the two of us?  Who is the better looking woman?  I am all woman.  She is only half-woman.   I am much better pole dancer than her.   I can out pole her any day!”

Elkhouly has challenged Fakih to a camel race.   “If she win, I will give her the crown.  If I win, she leaves and never comes back.”

Camels are already lining up, hoping to be chosen by either of the beautiful women.

Who do you think should win?

LAS VEGAS – Miss Mexico was crowned Miss Universe and soon after was deported by I.C.E.

Jimena Navarrete, a 22-year-old from Guadalajara, Mexico won the Miss Universe pageant last night, after donning a flowing red gown and telling the audience it’s important to teach kids family values.

Navarrete was first to answer an interview question Monday night and the last contestant standing in the headline-grabbing pageant on the Las Vegas Strip.

From flags to Facebook, 22-year-old Jimena Navarrete has made it clear what she plans to promote as the world’s newest Miss Universe – her home country of Mexico. “I want the whole world to know about my country and my people,”  she said after beating 82 competitors for global bragging rights.

That comment caught the attention of the Homeland Security Secretary, Janet Napolitano, who immediately dispatched an I.C.E (Immigration and Custom Enforcement) team to talk to her.  Sheriff Joe Arpaio drove up from Arizona to help out.  “I don’t know how she got into the country, but I’m going to enforce immigration laws and if she doesn’t have a birth certificate on her, she’s outta here.”

Navarrete, wearing her crown, was posing for world photographers when she decided to drape herself in a Mexican flag.  That’s when I.C.E. agents stormed into her dressing room.  Navarrete didn’t know how to answer the agents who kept screaming, “Show us your papers! Show us your papers!”  She clearly didn’t have any papers in her skin-tight bikini, so Sheriff Joe stripped Navarrete of her crown, cuffed her and took her into a back room for further questioning.

Meanwhile, the people of Mexico were going crazy, extremely proud that a Mexican woman had won the prestigious pageant.  She is the second miss Universe from Mexico. Lupita Jones won in 1991.

“Her triumph is a source of pride and satisfaction for all Mexicans, who see in her the fruits of perseverance,” Mexican President Felipe Calderon said in a statement. Immediately after her win, Calderon said on Twitter that her victory would help Mexico’s image as a country.

Not for long.

“Long live Mexico, Long live Mexico!” Navarrete shouted as she was dragged away from the Las Vegas Strip.  She was cheered by Spanish-speaking reporters, who were then also arrested by I.C.E.

“Every country has the right to impose and enact their laws,” Navarrete shouted to reporters, still wearing her new sash and tiara while being shoved into Sheriff’s Joe’s jeep. “But I tell you that all the Mexicans that are living here in the United States are hardworking people – people who want to improve on their quality of life.”

Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona arrived in Las Vegas to help with the “swift deportation” of Navarrete through Arizona.  “She’s just another Mexican woman who has taken a job away from an American!”  Governor Brewer then placed the Miss Universe crown on the head of Miss USA, Rima Fakih.

“Viva America!, Viva America!”  shouted Jan Brewer as Navarrete was whisked to the border.

On another note, aliens from Planet Zeeba were once again disappointed that their chosen woman, Zorgak, did not win Miss Universe.  “She glowed in her bikini, but it wasn’t enough to beat Navarrete,” said Judge Bret Michaels.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shanna Moakler has resigned as the executive director of the Miss California USA pageant.  Instead, she will start her own Miss Nerd USA competition.

A former Miss America herself, Moakler resigned from her position after Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her Miss California crown.  Prejean became famous during the Miss America competition for saying she was opposed to gay rights.  Since then, partially nude photos of Prejean have surfaced, which would typically cost her the Miss California title.

Moakler, disgusted at the organization, resigned yesterday vowing to start her own pageant.

Moakler said, “Miss Nerd USA will embrace better values for participants, encouraging not just beauty but intelligent and empowered women.  This could be an opportunity to break with outdated traditions and create a pageant that encourages better values and is of the times.”

The Miss Nerd USA competition will feature a chemistry section, math-leticism, World of Warcraft high scores, cosplay, and naughty librarian competitions in addition to the usual swimsuit and eveningwear.

“There will still be a beauty competition.  But we’re hoping to project a new beauty ideal that embraces female empowerment and individuality.”

According to Miss Moakler’s plan, the organization would reach out to professional beauties with nerd tendencies and existing nerds alike.  Beauties will be required to develop intellectual accomplishments to compete.  Nerdy women will be encouraged and trained to portray themselves as beautiful, a field in which many nerdy women feel insecure.  Moakler says this will hopefully encourage more well rounded aptitude and self esteem in all women.

When asked if she was only dressing up a slightly less vapid but equally materialistic pageant in a trendy way, Moakler replied “…. Maybe.  But at least I’m not bashing gay people!”

I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape! Poor Miss California deserved to win that beauty contest.

Then tubby twinkie Perez Hilton – who doesn’t look anything like his skinny rich sister, by the way! – asked the lovely lady if she believed in gay marriage. Of course, she said no, Perez got his pocket hankie in a knot – and Miss California lost the contest!

First of all: why is a lavender laddie like Perez Hilton judging a female beauty contest? Isn’t that like letting an A-rab pick the Pope?

Second, why is he asking crazy questions about gay marriage? Whatever happened to asking about something unimportant, like “world peace”?
(Gays don’t like world peace cuz then we wouldn’t need soldiers in nice uniforms anymore!)

I don’t understand why Perez Hilton has a job when millions of Americans are out of work. He has a face for radio and a voice for print, but there he is, all over the place. He’s just a funny looking fat boy who I bet got bullied a lot as a kid and now he’s a bully himself.

Meanwhile, I think Our Lord is pretty happy with Miss California right now, except for the whole “going around in public in skimpy clothes”
part. And I hear she’s going out with that pothead swimmer guy, which doesn’t sound too Christian to me, either.

But Miss California will end up with her own tv show and a millionaire husband, and Perez Hilton will be left alone with his Liberace records and his pink poodle.

I’d sign up to slap the little tootie-fruity around – but I’m pretty sure he’d like it!