LOS ANGELES, CA – Rumors are circulating that Carrie Prejean made a sex tape.  Prejean claims it wasn’t her, but a clone created to discredit her!

“Any rumors of me starring in a sex tape are false,” Prejean said in a press conference.  “It is my belief that the woman in those videos is a clone created by the Left Wing Conspiracy because I don’t agree with their agenda,”  Prejean spoke through tears on the steps of the Sacramento Courthouse.

Carrie Prejean was involved in a lawsuit with the Miss America organization, over being dropped from the competition after saying she did not approve of gay marriage.  Prejean dropped the suit when it came to light that Miss America had a copy of a sex tape which appears to feature the former beauty queen.  “That isn’t me!” she continues to insist.

According to Prejean the “Vast Left Wing Conspiracy” set her up for being a highly visible voice of opposition to their agenda.  While most of America was focused on Prejean being ousted from the competition, scientists from America’s liberal universities began their work using materials gained from earlier in her modeling career.

A clone was quickly created, and aged aritificially, to be used for a public assault on Prejean’s credibility.  Programmed with a personality Prejean would never approve of, the newly created clone was taped having a staged yet turid affair.

“If anything, the creators of this clone should be here defending themselves,” said Prejean’s attorney.  “Having put a clearly underage and impressionable creature into a sexual position.  Clearly this is a gross legal and ethical violation.”

Representatives from the Left Wing Conspiracy refused to comment on the situation.  Inside sources tell Weekly World News that the Left Wing Conspiracy had nothing to do with the creation of the video, but had a hand in its distribution.

I’m madder than Liberace in the ladies’ room! Nobody told me it was the International Year of the Fat Chick. First we all have to look at that Scottish lady singer wearing a dress made from her grandma’s drapes. Sure, she can really belt out a tune, but let’s face it: she’s no oil painting.

Now the Teleprompter Kid decides to put this Sotomayor woman on the Supreme Court. Can I “press #2” to say “No way”? These are lifetime appointments, which means we’re all stuck looking at her for another thirty years.

Hasn’t the Communist-in-Chief seen that Sandra Day O’Connor? They call her “Reagan’s Mistake” but at least O’Connor was fairly easy on the eyes, in a Grace Kelly kinda way. She aged pretty well, which is more than I can say for that Ruth Ginsberg, who reminds me of Dr. Zira from Planet of the Apes if she’d been an anorexic.

Sotomayor has said some pretty crazy things too, about Spanish ladies being smarter than white guys. That’s just nuts. Are you telling me they had Mexican maids on the Mayflower? Did a Porto-Rican cross the Delaware? No, this country was started up by old white guys like me, and that’s all I need to know!

If only McCain had won the election, then we could’ve had that Miss California on the Supreme Court! She could’ve gotten picked as a consolation prize for losing that beauty pageant on account of that little pansy, Perez Hilton.

Hey, wait a minute: that name “Perez” sounds foreign! Maybe this is all part of some Mexican plot to take over the U. S. of A. When they put up a Virgin Mary statue where Lady Liberty used to be, don’t say old Ed didn’t warn you!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shanna Moakler has resigned as the executive director of the Miss California USA pageant.  Instead, she will start her own Miss Nerd USA competition.

A former Miss America herself, Moakler resigned from her position after Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her Miss California crown.  Prejean became famous during the Miss America competition for saying she was opposed to gay rights.  Since then, partially nude photos of Prejean have surfaced, which would typically cost her the Miss California title.

Moakler, disgusted at the organization, resigned yesterday vowing to start her own pageant.

Moakler said, “Miss Nerd USA will embrace better values for participants, encouraging not just beauty but intelligent and empowered women.  This could be an opportunity to break with outdated traditions and create a pageant that encourages better values and is of the times.”

The Miss Nerd USA competition will feature a chemistry section, math-leticism, World of Warcraft high scores, cosplay, and naughty librarian competitions in addition to the usual swimsuit and eveningwear.

“There will still be a beauty competition.  But we’re hoping to project a new beauty ideal that embraces female empowerment and individuality.”

According to Miss Moakler’s plan, the organization would reach out to professional beauties with nerd tendencies and existing nerds alike.  Beauties will be required to develop intellectual accomplishments to compete.  Nerdy women will be encouraged and trained to portray themselves as beautiful, a field in which many nerdy women feel insecure.  Moakler says this will hopefully encourage more well rounded aptitude and self esteem in all women.

When asked if she was only dressing up a slightly less vapid but equally materialistic pageant in a trendy way, Moakler replied “…. Maybe.  But at least I’m not bashing gay people!”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Risque photos of Miss USA runner-up and “opposite marriage” defender Carrie Prejean have surfaced on the Internet, but Ms. Prejean is defending her Christian honor.

Prejean shot to stardom last month after declaring at the Miss USA pageant that she was against legalizing same-sex marriage. Due to heavy criticism from blogger Perez Hilton and gay rights groups, Prejean retaliated by becoming the face for the “traditional marriage” movement.

But the website TheDirty.com claims they have fully nude photos of Miss California, and have already released one partially-nude photo to prove it. If it is true, these photos would heavily conflict with her evangelical Christian stance.

“I am a Christian, and I am a model,” Prejean said in a press statement. “Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith.

“What that website has failed to state is that those photos were for a special charity calendar. It was to be called, ‘God’s Children’, and was to feature Christians of all different colors, shapes and sizes. There were fat people, deformed people, old people and me. We were celebrating the diversity of God’s creation, so it was important to show us in the nude, imperfections and all.

“If these vicious opponents of traditional marriage wish to sexualize an innocent photo spread, then so be it. But I am not ashamed of my continuing commitment to our Lord and his plan for us.”

Weekly World News researchers were not able to find evidence of the calendar. It is speculated the project was cancelled after an audience for naked unattractive models could not be found.

I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape! Poor Miss California deserved to win that beauty contest.

Then tubby twinkie Perez Hilton – who doesn’t look anything like his skinny rich sister, by the way! – asked the lovely lady if she believed in gay marriage. Of course, she said no, Perez got his pocket hankie in a knot – and Miss California lost the contest!

First of all: why is a lavender laddie like Perez Hilton judging a female beauty contest? Isn’t that like letting an A-rab pick the Pope?

Second, why is he asking crazy questions about gay marriage? Whatever happened to asking about something unimportant, like “world peace”?
(Gays don’t like world peace cuz then we wouldn’t need soldiers in nice uniforms anymore!)

I don’t understand why Perez Hilton has a job when millions of Americans are out of work. He has a face for radio and a voice for print, but there he is, all over the place. He’s just a funny looking fat boy who I bet got bullied a lot as a kid and now he’s a bully himself.

Meanwhile, I think Our Lord is pretty happy with Miss California right now, except for the whole “going around in public in skimpy clothes”
part. And I hear she’s going out with that pothead swimmer guy, which doesn’t sound too Christian to me, either.

But Miss California will end up with her own tv show and a millionaire husband, and Perez Hilton will be left alone with his Liberace records and his pink poodle.

I’d sign up to slap the little tootie-fruity around – but I’m pretty sure he’d like it!