I’m madder than Jesse Ventura with a busted microphone about that idiot Al Franken. It’s bad enough America picked a commie President with a crazy name, but now Minnesota went and made some potty mouth “comedian” a senator.

Our Founding Fathers didn’t die at the Boston Tea Party just so a four-eyed squirt like Franken could get himself elected. If George Washington were alive today, he’d slap every idiot in Minnesota with a cold slab of dried out fish, except they’d probably like it! Those people eat deep fried Snickers bars and build statues out of butter to win prizes.

Remember: Al Franken made fun of that red-blooded American, Rush Limbaugh, whose pants he could never hope to fill. Franken was so jealous, he started his own radio thing called Air Pollution. Too bad was so busy insulting our President that Franken forgot to pay his taxes — in 17 states!

No one listened to his show, so “Senator” Franken will be wasting your hard earned money and mine on one-legged Eskimo lesbian art, solar powered windmills and other Demon-crat junk.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m calling on all Americans to boycott Minnesota! That’ll teach ‘em to make a mockery of the United States Senate, where true patriots have napped and bribed and dueled their way into the history books.

Starting today, the Mall of America is off limits, even if that means hiding your wife’s car keys. Cans of tuna and those little fried up onions will be turned back at the state borders. Lips that have touched Pronto Pups will never touch mine!

Until “Senator” Al Franken is impeached, we vow never to eat another deep fried pork chop on a stick. Commie-sota, you are on notice.

ST. PAUL, MN – Minnesotans have turned to schoolyard protocol in a last ditch effort to solve their Senate conundrum.

Following a 2-month recount that has still not determined a winner in the Minnesota Senate race between incumbent Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken, officials have decided on an age-old method to settle the matter – Rock Paper Scissors!

With ballot challenges fluctuating into the thousands, lawsuits being filed by both sides every day, and Minnesota voters unwilling to start the next session of Congress with incomplete representation, election officials have had a very difficult task before them.

Secretary of State Mark Ritchie endorsed the move as weather difficulties prevented the State Canvassing Board from meeting on Monday.

“We now have a concrete, time-tested, voter approved method of ending the debate over this election.  Voters are eager to move on.  They’re eager to start fixing the economy, the environment, foreign relations.  And they’ll do it with whichever Senator wins the battle of Rock Paper Scissors in three throws or less.”

Representatives of the Franken and Coleman campaigns have confirmed that they have agreed on the referee for the match-up.

Former Minnesota Governor and third-party candidate Jesse “The Body” Ventura will act as the referee and oversee that it meets all the rules and regulations of the American Association of Rock Paper Scissors.

“I know some people are worried that I may end up throwing a Rock in the ring at the last minute,” Ventura told reporters.  “But if I wanted that seat, I would have thrown my hat in the ring over the summer.”

“It’ll be a fair match and we’ll have a winner.  No whining, no lawsuits, no appeals.”

Ventura has had to knock some heads after Coleman tried to weasel out of the competition citing carpel tunnel syndrome.

ST. PAUL, MN – The Lizard People have come forward to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In a much publicized gaffe, a vote was issued for Franken with “Lizard People” in the write-in candidate section.

A representative of the Lizard People, a reptilian humanoid race that lives far below the surface of the earth, has come forward.  At a press conference this morning, he stated that his people wish to officially cast their vote for Al Franken.

In an electoral battle that has come down to a margin of roughly one dozen, every vote counts.  This vote brings Franken one precious step closer to a razor thin victory.

Attempts by Norm Coleman to have the ballot disqualified for typographical errors were annulled by the state canvassing board.

At the conference Franken said, “This is a good day, not only for human/reptoid relations, but for democracy.”

The Lizard People are issued one collective vote in Minnesota for local and national elections, a practice which dates back to the landmark 1893 case Lizard People vs Minnesota Board of Education. Reptoids were struck from all educational materials in exchange for one vote, mineral rights and several tons of live crickets.