BOSTON, MA – Starting tomorrow, the malicious computer worm Conficker.c will turn computers into zombies. Will one of them be yours?

Conficker.c is an aggressive program transmitted through use of the internet, which is thought to have infected 5-10 million computers. While it is unclear what the program plans to do on April 1, it will essentially take control of every infected machine to do its bidding.

How can you tell if your computer is infected? Check for these signs:

• Rusty, foul smell
• Tower is cold to the touch, no matter how long your computer has been running
• Hard drive continually makes a low, moaning sound
• Screen begins to yellow and go out-of-focus
• A Google search page for “BBBBRRRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS!!!” keeps popping up

If your computer has two or more of these symptoms, it is probably infected! So what do you do?

Greg Marin, Director of Paranormal Technology Studies at MIT, said, “Go directly to Microsoft.com and download their Emergency Patch. The software will attempt to clean out the infection and restore the computer to its original state. However, most machines are too far-gone at this point and will need other intervention.”

Professor Marin suggested that first, you take the computer to whatever place of worship you attend, so that it can be placed on holy ground. Then, empty out a Windex bottle and fill it with blessed water. Open the back of your tower and spray the insides until it is thoroughly coated. Wait until it has fully dried before plugging the tower back in.

Finally, detach the monitor, take it outside and smash it apart with a baseball bat, tire wrench, or whatever blunt object you may have lying around. Wait seven days and then buy a new monitor. Your PC should be in the clear!

When asked what laptop owners should do, Professor Marin merely shook his head. “I’m afraid all is lost,” he whispered.