DETROIT, MI – Winter has finally arrived in a series of storms pelting the Midwest.  Bat Boy has instigated a statewide day of revelry in Michigan.

Major storm patterns are sweeping across the US, bringing cold temperatures and rain or snow.  Eastern states are being pelted with rain and hail and experiencing the first wintery temperatures of the season.  Midwestern states have been hit the hardest, being blanketed with snow earlier this week.  Yesterday the entire state of Michigan enjoyed an unofficial Snow Day thanks to America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy.

Reports first came in early yesterday of a strange shirtless boy playing in the middle of a major intersection in downtown Detroit.  Residents were complaining that the child was hitting people with snowballs on their way to work.  By the time police arrived on the scene several passers by had joined the youth in a snowball fight, hiding behind the various snow drifts and immobile cars.  Since no one appeared to be complaining the police simply watched the child with large eyes attract more and more office workers to play in the snow.

No one is sure what Bat Boy was doing in Michigan.  Most likely a series of detours led him there after his recent trip to Los Angeles.  However he got there, the young mutant appeared to be unaffected by the severe cold despite wearing no shirt and cutoff shorts.  Police pulled him away from the snowball fight and only let him return once he had begrudgingly put on a snowsuit a local store owner donated for the child.  Bat Boy sulked for exactly 45 seconds, then returned to the fun.

As the day progressed more and more people were encouraged to come out and enjoy the weather.  People from all walks of life were inspired and encouraged by Bat Boy, who speaks only in squeaks, to drop what they were doing and come out and play.  Bankers joined receptionists in snowball fights,  legal clerks made snowmen with admins, as hundreds joined the seasonal merriment.  Eventually the streets of downtown Detroit were filled with people playing in the snow.

Word spread and soon pockets of winter fun began popping up in the outlying metro Detroit areas.  Eventually the word of the incident spread across the state until lawmakers in Lansing declared a statewide Snow Day.

Bat Boy was last seen taking an impromptu sled to the top of a 3 story snowdrift that had accumulated against the local headquarters for Verizon Wireless.  Inertia from the ride is expected to have taken him halfway to Ann Arbor.

FERNDALE, MI – Police in a Detroit suburb are looking for a bank robber who has horrible breath!

Ferndale police are looking for a man who has robbed from the same Charter One bank twice, once in October and once last week.

Both tellers said the man is black, tall and thin, and wore a black hooded type of jacket each time. But what they remember most is the robber “having very offensive breath and real yellow teeth.”

Lieutenant William Wilson said, “The whites of his eyes are yellow. He looks and smells dirty.”

He has since been dubbed the “Bad Breath Bandit”!

Authorities stated he showed the bank tellers a note demanding money, but never showed a weapon.

It is believed he stole at least $1,000 during his last robbery.

With unemployment rates about to hit the highest numbers since the Great Depression, Americans are leaving in droves to find work in one of the few places still hiring: China.

Chinese industry is one of the few in the world that hasn’t slowed down.  The worlds demand for cheaply made crap is still on the rise, and shows no sign of slowing.  Day and night their factories work away, fueled by coal and immigrants seeking a better life.  Inside the air is thick with tar fumes and hope.

American families who lost their jobs and their homes are finding new lives in Shanghai and Beijing.  Midwestern housewives are getting jobs putting lead in children’s toys.  For hours on end they slave away in factories so they can send money back home, so their children can buy the same toys.  Laid off auto workers are finding opportunities doing hazardous labor considered too dangerous to risk damaging expensive machines with.

China is starting to retaliate against the dramatic influx of Americans.  Store owners are putting signs in shop windows “No Americans Need Apply.”  Citizens in some areas are concerned of their own culture being overrun.  The Chinese government has had to intervene, imposing limits on how many Americans are allowed to enter the country per day.  Still every day thousands more arrive desperate for whatever work is available.  Some checkpoints have been nearly overrun by riots, which the government insists did not happen.  Still the Americans wait outside of the Great Wall, most because they don’t know there are other places to enter the country.

As more and more Americans pack up their belongings and leave for China, entire cities are turned into ghost towns.  It is rumored that entire state of Michigan is completely empty, however no one has bothered to check.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The nearly-perfect preserved remains of a baby mammoth are being studied at the University of Michigan.

‘Lyuba’ was a one-month old baby mammoth whose remains were discovered in the Russian Arctic in 2007. It appears she died quite suddenly, about 40,000 years ago. “She was doing great, very healthy,” says paleontologist Dan Fisher of the University of Michigan. “She just had this terrible misfortune.”

Scientists believe she either drowned or suffocated in mud next to a lake. The major significance of Lyuba’s existence, however, is that she is the  best-preserved mammoth ever discovered. Many partly-intact mammoth corpses have been discovered in Sibera, but nothing as remarkable as Lyuba. Her skin and internal organs are intact, and the only damage found were  bite marks from village dogs.

She is so well preserved that traces of mother’s milk have been found in her stomach, along with fecal residue. This was likely also her mother’s, fed to Lyuba to create a healthy microbial community in her gut, which is necessary for proper digestion. Such behavior has already been seen in modern herbivores.

MY AMERICA – by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

***

My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.

Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems.  Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.”  Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.

However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.

Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.

Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.

Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker!  John McCain, you got my vote!”

How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.

SAWYER, MI — “We are blessed, that’s for sure,” John Aaron told Weekly World News. “I’m not sure where this is all going to lead, but our family is on a very exciting journey.”

A year ago, John and his wife Rachel would not have believed what fate had in store for them

To begin with, their doctor had just informed them that Rachel couldn’t have children.

“We were devastated at first, but we took it as a sign from God,” said the pragmatic John. “There are so many orphaned or forgotten children in the world that we decided to adopt. We contacted an agency and were told that a Middle Eastern baby needed a home. We offered to give him one.”

The Aarons were selected and the 3-month-old child arrived with­in days. They called him Marshal.

“He was beautiful and so well behaved,” said Rachel. “As soon as I held him, I knew he was ours.”

The Aarons took Marshal everywhere — to the park, to the movies, and also to church. One Sunday, shortly after Marshal’s first birthday, the priest delivered a sermon about the importance of following the Ten Commandments.

“Father Ramer talked about Moses and how he performed the miracles of God, liberating the Children of Israel and parting the Red Sea,” said Rachel. “Marshal was very quiet during the service. I thought he was sleeping, but when I looked at him I saw that he actually seemed to be listening.”

“After church we went to Warren Dunes Beach on Lake Michigan for a picnic,” John said. “No sooner had we spread our blanket on the crowded beach than we heard a crash offshore. Two motorboats had collided and one of them had overturned. I could see from the frantic arm-waving that there were five teenagers, and none of them was wearing a life jacket.”

“Two lifeguards rushed out in a dinghy but we didn’t think they would get there in time,” Rachel said. “Just then I noticed that Marshal had left the blanket. I saw him crawling near the edge of the lake. Then he rose un­stead­ily and stretched his arms toward the water.”

What happened then was as unbelievable as it was unexpected. The surface of the lake began to ripple, then tremble, and then the water exploded from the middle, two huge waves folding back on themselves.

“There was a lot of spray at first, but when it cleared we could see that there was a path from the beach to the teenagers,” John said. “It was astonishing!

“The waters had parted and the kids were lying on the muddy lake bed, dirty but unharmed.”

The lifeguards left their boat and carried the teens back to shore. When they were safe, Marshal lowered his arms and the waters returned to normal.

“In all the hubbub no one had noticed our little boy,” Rachel said. “To them, this was just some weird tidal phenomenon. To us, it suggested something much more.”

“We don’t know what it is,” John said. “But as I told you earlier, one thing I do know: Our family has embarked on a strange and very exciting journey!”