MICHIGAN – A woman makes a replica of Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper with her belly button lint.

Laura Bell of Roscommon, Michigan has been collecting the lint from her belly button in order to create a 14-foot-long, 4-foot tall reproduction of da Vinci’s masterpiece The Last Supper.

It has taken Bell close to 27 years to amass the quantity of lint necessary to produce this work of art. Over the years, she has developed a methodic and border line obsessive compulsive system of jarring and cataloguing the lint by color and size. Her collection consists of over 20 shades of every imaginable color. And her largest individual lint deposit is recorded at 52.7mm in diameter. That’s just over 2 inches!

“I really love sweaters. There’s a green one and a pink one and a blue on and a yellow one and they’re all made out of wool and cashmere and they all look just the same. I virtually have all the colors of the rainbow. I wear sweaters everyday and everywhere, even when it is 95 degrees outside,” explained Bell

Bell is five foot two inches tall and weighs just over 285 pounds with most of her weight in her gut. That makes her navel an ideal environment for harvesting bellybutton lint. “Often times there is a cornucopia of color in my navel if I forget to clean it out before the end of the week,” she said.

It has been reported that Ripley’s Believe It or Not! is trying to acquire the work to display in one of their museums. However, insider sources have reported that auction house giants, Christie’s and Sotheby’s are in an intense battle to secure a deal with Bell for the right to auction the work to the highest bidder. If either of the two companies lands a deal, they are sure to garner a healthy sum for this work of genius at the auction block.

CAIRO – Miss USA, Rima Fakih, has packed her bags and moved to Egypt.

The above photograph was taken at the site of Giza Pyramids, Egypt, Monday, Oct. 4, 2010.  Rima Fakih, 24,  a Lebanese immigrant from Dearborn, Mich. who spurred celebrations among Arab-Americans when she won Miss USA 2010, went to Egypt on a holiday and loved it so much that she has decided to stay.

“I love the people, I love the culture, I love the weather.  I’m staying,”  said Fakih.

Fakih, who in addition to being Miss USA, is a world-champion pole-dancer, having one the Gold Medal in World Pole Dancing Competitions (held at Scores in Manhattan) three years in a row.  “There’s never been a better dancer on a pole.  I guarantee that,”  said Scores owner Robbie Jenks.  “She’s a gymnast, a contortionist, an illusionist and she looks damn good in that bikini.”

Fakih hasn’t said what she plans on doing in Egypt, but some sources say that she is moving to Egypt because she is still upset that Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, won the Miss World competition in Las Vegas this summer.  “I should have won.  The judges were sympathetic to Jimena because of that stupid Arizona law.  I should be Miss World.”

Egyptian men are very excited that Fakih is leaving American for Egypt.  “Very smart girl. Very, very smart girl,” said Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. “We intend to start building a new pyramid in her honor.”

The news that Fakih is moving to Cairo and wants to immediately claim the Miss Egypt crown, does not sit well with reigning Miss Egypt, Sara Elkhouly (pictured here):

“Who does she think she is coming to my country and claiming my crown!” said Elkhouly.  “Look at the two of us?  Who is the better looking woman?  I am all woman.  She is only half-woman.   I am much better pole dancer than her.   I can out pole her any day!”

Elkhouly has challenged Fakih to a camel race.   “If she win, I will give her the crown.  If I win, she leaves and never comes back.”

Camels are already lining up, hoping to be chosen by either of the beautiful women.

Who do you think should win?

MARYSVILLE, CA – Ted Nugent pleaded guilty to killing a defenseless deer.  Bigfoot didn’t like that and is coming for Ted!

Happy animal-killing rocker Ted Nugent pleaded no contest in Marysville, Calif., courtroom to bagging a defenseless deer on a reality TV show using illegal hunting tactics. A lawyer for the 61-year-old rocker entered a no-contest plea on Nugent’s behalf in Yuba County Superior Court to misdemeanor counts of baiting a deer and failing to acquire an authorized signature to confirm the kill’s legality.

A game warden witnessed him target a deer too young to be hunted and Nugent was charged with unlawful hunting. Bigfoot was nearby and saw the whole thing.  Bigfoot is not happy.  Bigfoot now has set his sights on hunting and killing Ted Nugent.  It appears that Bigfoot will be using whatever tactics (legal or illegal) to do so.

Nugent shot a spiked buck, which is an illegal buck to take, because it’s too small. And he had it right there on television, and it wasn’t live, it was taped,” said Dave de Andrade a spokesman for California Fish and Game.  “He used deer bait called “C’mere Deer” to lure his trophy. Under California law, enticing animals with bait for hunting purposes is illegal.”

Bigfoot has a catchy slogan, too:  “Dead Ted.”

Bigfoot told WWN, through our in-house beast translator, that he will not be using any bait to catch the Motor City Moron.  Bigfoot will just hunt him down and rip him to shreds.

Nugent did not talk to the press after his courtroom appearance, but he did tell a guy in the urinal next to him (Frank Lake of WWN), “I see a Bambi, I kill a Bambi. That’s just the way it goes, brother… Remember, shake twice.”  When he was told that Bigfoot was hunting him Nugent said, “Good cause, I’m hunting him.  Let the best madman win!”

Here’s Nugent talking about his love for hunting and fishing and… bait.

DETROIT, MI – Winter has finally arrived in a series of storms pelting the Midwest.  Bat Boy has instigated a statewide day of revelry in Michigan.

Major storm patterns are sweeping across the US, bringing cold temperatures and rain or snow.  Eastern states are being pelted with rain and hail and experiencing the first wintery temperatures of the season.  Midwestern states have been hit the hardest, being blanketed with snow earlier this week.  Yesterday the entire state of Michigan enjoyed an unofficial Snow Day thanks to America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy.

Reports first came in early yesterday of a strange shirtless boy playing in the middle of a major intersection in downtown Detroit.  Residents were complaining that the child was hitting people with snowballs on their way to work.  By the time police arrived on the scene several passers by had joined the youth in a snowball fight, hiding behind the various snow drifts and immobile cars.  Since no one appeared to be complaining the police simply watched the child with large eyes attract more and more office workers to play in the snow.

No one is sure what Bat Boy was doing in Michigan.  Most likely a series of detours led him there after his recent trip to Los Angeles.  However he got there, the young mutant appeared to be unaffected by the severe cold despite wearing no shirt and cutoff shorts.  Police pulled him away from the snowball fight and only let him return once he had begrudgingly put on a snowsuit a local store owner donated for the child.  Bat Boy sulked for exactly 45 seconds, then returned to the fun.

As the day progressed more and more people were encouraged to come out and enjoy the weather.  People from all walks of life were inspired and encouraged by Bat Boy, who speaks only in squeaks, to drop what they were doing and come out and play.  Bankers joined receptionists in snowball fights,  legal clerks made snowmen with admins, as hundreds joined the seasonal merriment.  Eventually the streets of downtown Detroit were filled with people playing in the snow.

Word spread and soon pockets of winter fun began popping up in the outlying metro Detroit areas.  Eventually the word of the incident spread across the state until lawmakers in Lansing declared a statewide Snow Day.

Bat Boy was last seen taking an impromptu sled to the top of a 3 story snowdrift that had accumulated against the local headquarters for Verizon Wireless.  Inertia from the ride is expected to have taken him halfway to Ann Arbor.

FERNDALE, MI – Police in a Detroit suburb are looking for a bank robber who has horrible breath!

Ferndale police are looking for a man who has robbed from the same Charter One bank twice, once in October and once last week.

Both tellers said the man is black, tall and thin, and wore a black hooded type of jacket each time. But what they remember most is the robber “having very offensive breath and real yellow teeth.”

Lieutenant William Wilson said, “The whites of his eyes are yellow. He looks and smells dirty.”

He has since been dubbed the “Bad Breath Bandit”!

Authorities stated he showed the bank tellers a note demanding money, but never showed a weapon.

It is believed he stole at least $1,000 during his last robbery.

With unemployment rates about to hit the highest numbers since the Great Depression, Americans are leaving in droves to find work in one of the few places still hiring: China.

Chinese industry is one of the few in the world that hasn’t slowed down.  The worlds demand for cheaply made crap is still on the rise, and shows no sign of slowing.  Day and night their factories work away, fueled by coal and immigrants seeking a better life.  Inside the air is thick with tar fumes and hope.

American families who lost their jobs and their homes are finding new lives in Shanghai and Beijing.  Midwestern housewives are getting jobs putting lead in children’s toys.  For hours on end they slave away in factories so they can send money back home, so their children can buy the same toys.  Laid off auto workers are finding opportunities doing hazardous labor considered too dangerous to risk damaging expensive machines with.

China is starting to retaliate against the dramatic influx of Americans.  Store owners are putting signs in shop windows “No Americans Need Apply.”  Citizens in some areas are concerned of their own culture being overrun.  The Chinese government has had to intervene, imposing limits on how many Americans are allowed to enter the country per day.  Still every day thousands more arrive desperate for whatever work is available.  Some checkpoints have been nearly overrun by riots, which the government insists did not happen.  Still the Americans wait outside of the Great Wall, most because they don’t know there are other places to enter the country.

As more and more Americans pack up their belongings and leave for China, entire cities are turned into ghost towns.  It is rumored that entire state of Michigan is completely empty, however no one has bothered to check.

ANN ARBOR, MI – The nearly-perfect preserved remains of a baby mammoth are being studied at the University of Michigan.

‘Lyuba’ was a one-month old baby mammoth whose remains were discovered in the Russian Arctic in 2007. It appears she died quite suddenly, about 40,000 years ago. “She was doing great, very healthy,” says paleontologist Dan Fisher of the University of Michigan. “She just had this terrible misfortune.”

Scientists believe she either drowned or suffocated in mud next to a lake. The major significance of Lyuba’s existence, however, is that she is the  best-preserved mammoth ever discovered. Many partly-intact mammoth corpses have been discovered in Sibera, but nothing as remarkable as Lyuba. Her skin and internal organs are intact, and the only damage found were  bite marks from village dogs.

She is so well preserved that traces of mother’s milk have been found in her stomach, along with fecal residue. This was likely also her mother’s, fed to Lyuba to create a healthy microbial community in her gut, which is necessary for proper digestion. Such behavior has already been seen in modern herbivores.

MY AMERICA – by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

***

My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

DETROIT, MI – After announcing new “self-parking” cars, reports have emerged about the source of the revolutionary technology – goblins!

Unnamed sources from within the Ford Motor Corporation have leaked internal memos revealing details of the “self-parking” technology that will be featured in all top-of-the-line models of Ford automobiles starting in 2009.

The memos state that each car will employ two or four goblin technicians, depending on the size of the engine.  The goblins actually work under the hood of the car and take control of the car once the driver puts it into “park mode.”

Executives and spokesmen for the Ford Motor Corp. have refused to comment or return calls for a statement.

Members of the United States Congress however, have been making quite a fuss over the story and many are not amused by the concept of goblins working on the hoods of American cars.

“We spent many long days working on a bailout for the auto industry,” Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas said.  “I don’t like the idea of American tax dollars going to Goblins!  That was not part of the agreement.”

“If they need small people in the engines to self-park the car, then find a small American!  We’ll breed Americans smaller and smarter and bring automotive jobs back to Americans!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.

Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems.  Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.”  Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.

However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.

Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.

Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.

Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker!  John McCain, you got my vote!”

How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.