You all can keep your Michelle Obama, with her fake smile and angry eyeballs and ropey arms!

As far as I’m concerned, the real First Lady of the U. S. of A. is the other Michelle – Michelle Malkin!

If you don’t know, because you’re either a commie hippie or a dingbat, Miss Michelle is a famous lady writer who’s as smart as a kennel full of border collies but a hundred times prettier!

I buy all her books, even if they’re sometimes too hard for me to figure out all the way through. I keep Miss Michelle’s books in the bathroom and read them a little bit at a time – or at a stretch, if my wife’s made her prize-winning prune whip again!

Michelle Malkin’s first book was “Lock ‘Em Up and Throw Away the Key!”, which was really good. The next one, “Looneybin Liberals Belong in the Crazy House!” was even better.

But Miss Michelle’s brand new book is her best ever. It’s called “Obama is a Crooked Commie Pinko From Chicago and So Are All His Damn Crazy Friends!!”

I bought it brand new and didn’t even wait for the paperback, so it had to be good! And it sure was, from what I could figure out!

I said before how much I love smart and beautiful lady writer Miss Ann Coulter, and I still do. But  lately Miss Michelle Malkin has stolen this old man’s shriveled up heart!

I’m glad FOX News puts Miss Michelle on TV every day now – it keeps Obama’s face from burning into my new plasmatic TV like he did the old one. (And he still hasn’t paid me for the replacement, dammit!)

So Miss Michelle, if you’re reading this: I pledge my love for you! Just don’t tell Mrs. Anger!! She might put something funny in my prune whip!

WASHINGTON, DC – After her husband’s first fashion faux pas, First Lady Michelle Obama has apparently committed her own.

Bloggers and news pundits alike are discussing Michelle’s outfit after she dressed down during a recent family vacation.

This was how she was photographed exiting Air Force One after returning from the Grand Canyon:

Her supposed faux-pas as First Lady follows not long after President Obama was criticized for wearing “mom jeans” at a baseball game.

Should this be such a big deal? Michelle was on a family vacation, not official business, and spending time in a very hot area of the United States.

Or should she be expected to represent the White House at all times, regardless of the circumstances?

LONDON – Michelle Obama was in the news again this week for an unusual ensemble she wore to Westminster Abbey with her daughters in London. The outfit, while colorful and interesting, was a bold step for the First Lady who is most often noticed for her fashion choices.

French First Lady and former supermodel Carla Bruni was quoted in Le Monde as saying, “If she wants to put looking good aside in favor of focusing on time with her daughters, I can respect that.  I wish I had the courage to go out in public looking like that.”

Incensed, Michelle Obama immediately challenged Carla Bruni to a Walk-Off.

Both First Ladies agreed to compete in a best of five Walk-Off to see who could wear their clothes best.  A complete media blackout was maintained as this was a non-UN sanctioned event.

Michelle Obama, a lawyer by trade, wrote out the agreement stating they would follow old-school rules.  Also included was a clause stating that Bruni, a well documented immortal, could use none of her mystic powers during the competition.  The document was signed and Michelle Obama utilized her sleeveless summer dress by flexing her guns to intimidate the French head of state.  Mrs. Bruni showed only indifference before flying to her dressing room.

Heidi Klum, Yves Saint Laurent, and David Bowie were tapped to be judges.  Tim Gunn, who happened to be there at the time, was allowed to officiate.  The two powerhouses of politics and fashion went head to head in their best five outfits to a select crowd of London’s elite.

The audience was stunned at the elegance and grace both women brought to the runway.  Summer, winter, and formal fashions showed refined taste, and the poise of competing world leaders.  In the final round Michelle Obama pulled into the lead with a fashion forward Jackie-O inspired ensemble.  Carla Bruni attempted to come back with a gold Roman-inspired evening gown.  However her sheer top clearly violated the international nipple rules.  David Bowie disqualified her immediately.

Impressed by each others poise and abilities Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Bruni have since made amends.  The two remain Facebook friends and most political scientists consider them strong “frenemies”.

WASHINGTON, DC – First Lady Michelle Obama is going ahead with plans to change the color of the White House for the first time in history – by painting it green!

The scheme might sound like a joke, but insiders insist it’s all too true.

According to those sources, Mrs. Obama believes that the change of color will reflect the new tone of President Barack Obama’s administration of energy and environmental conservation.

“Mrs. Obama is intent on creating a diversion to take the focus of the financial crisis off the President and painting the White House green certainly seems to fit the bill,” said one source with close ties to the Oval Office.

“Not so apparent, but equally important, is what the First Lady herself has to gain from it. If she can change the color of the White House – which is the oldest pubic building in Washington and has been home to every president since John Adams in 1800 – she can do anything. And if the public believes she can do anything, her chances of becoming America’s first female president in the future will increase dramatically.

“That possibility has factored heavily in her decision to make an issue of the color of the White House. And because she knows that her plans will be thwarted if she makes them public prematurely, she intends to put the project in motion behind the scenes. By the time the media and public find out, it will be too late to do anything about it. The White House will be green. Mrs. Obama wil take the credit. And when the furor dies down, she will be remembered as the woman who changed one of the most important and revered symbols in our nation’s history.”

Mrs. Obama bristled but managed to maintain her silence when queried about the allegations. Not surprisingly, White House spokesmen followed her lead, declining to comment on the report in any form whatsoever.

“Official silence is expected but it’s an odds-on bet that the White House will soon be known as the Green House,” said the source. “The only thing holding Mrs. Obama back at this point is the choice of shade. From what I understand, she is torn between grass green and hunter green. When she decides, painters will show up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with brushes, ladders and scaffolds and start painting.”

President Obama’s response to the plan is not known. In fact, he might not even know about it, sources say. “Mr. Obama gives his wife a free reign so it’s doubtful that he will stand in her way,” one insider said.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is opening the door to Cuba.  The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off.

President Barack Obama has lifted restrictions on Americans visiting family in Cuba.  This marks the first time in 50 years America has eased restrictions with Cuba, and is a key first step towards what many hope will be more normalized relations with the island country.

The idea for this came when the Obamas unexpectedly met with Fidel Castro in Turkey last week.  Sources close to the President confirm that a secret dinner was held, in which the Cuban leader thanked them for allowing him to meet the Alien.

After many laughs, drinks, and cigars, the world leaders were well on their way to putting their differences behind them.  When a particularly rousing song came on, Fidel Castro asked Michelle Obama to dance, and led her across the floor in a sensuous Tango.  Seeing the blatant challenge by the former Cuban Dictator, President Obama was left to sit and watch as he did not know the dance.

The Cuban-American grudge, which started with the Cuban Missile Crisis and only fueled by Fidel Castro dancing with the President’s wife, will finally be settled once and for all on in a Tango competition on prime time television.  Each country will select their greatest champions to dance on their behalf.  A team of impartial mystery judges will be flown in for the competition.  The location of the will be kept secret until the last minute, but is expected to be in Trinidad or Tobago.

Michelle Obama has refused to comment on being swept away by the communist leader.  However she has been spotted reading several romance novels in the past week.

WASHINGTON, DC – Obama made history yesterday by holding a national online town hall. Unfortunately the tech savvy president still forgot to turn off the webcam when he was done.

Taking questions on a large variety of topics, Obama spoke directly to the people on Thursday from the comfort of the White House.  Critics laud his attempts at making government accessible, and getting people involved.

For several hours after the town hall the webcam was left on, recording various candid moments of the president in his home.

Several times President Obama is seen walking by the camera wearing boxer shorts and an undershirt while preparing what appeared to be a pot of macaroni and cheese.  He and his wife can be seen discussing economic policy while the President eats directly from the pot using a large wooden spoon.

Earlier in the evening President Obama sang along to a Joni Mitchell best of album, and rocked his youngest Sasha to sleep singing “Stay” by Lisa Loeb.

After talking with Rahm Emanuel about House Republicans, Obama went on a seven minute rant angrily venting his frustrations before calmly calling back and discussing the problem constructively.

During the evening, the president also quoted lines from several Samuel L. Jackson movies.

Borrowing a pair of sunglasses he stood next to a white Secret Service agent and proceeded to quote several lines from the movie Pulp Fiction.  The agent did not say anything, but Obama went through entire scenes from the movie.  Later he quoted the infamous bible verse, still wearing sunglasses boxers and an undershirt, standing on a sofa and brandishing a Nerf dart gun.

Towards the end of the video, the President can be seen on the couch studying economic policy while his wife does roughly 200 push ups.  She then asks the president if the White House has a vet.

“No, why?”

“’Cause these pythons are sick!” said the First Lady while flexing.

Eventually one of the administration’s top technical advisors ran into the room and hurriedly turned off the webcam.

The White House has released no official statement yet but word is expected at some point later today.

I’m madder than a bag lady with a busted shopping cart!

Yesterday I saw a picture in the paper I couldn’t believe. It showed a crazy looking lady with what looked like a mop on her head, wearing a green garbage bag – and holding up a cell phone!

The paper said lots of homeless people have cell phones now – and sometimes the government pays for them! Which means you and I pay for them, my fellow red, white and blue blooded Americans! I don’t have a cell phone, but I’m paying for some crazy lady’s!

And when these homeless get some radar laser beam brain cancer years from now from holding that thing up to their ears all day, guess who has to pay for that, too?

Did you see how Obama’s wife went to a soup kitchen, and half the ‘poor’ people took out cell phones and took her picture?!

Who the heck are they talking to with these cell phones anyhow? The voices in their heads? Their fifty cats?

Back in my day, we didn’t have homeless people. We had hobos, winos and bums! They road across the country on trains to spread out their stinkiness, instead of the way they do today, sitting on the same street corner for years and smelling up the place.

And our homeless people sure didn’t have free phones. Being poor meant something different too; today it means you’ve only got a 24” TV instead of a 42”, and an old car instead of a new one, and you’re fat instead of skinny!

When even bums have fancy phones, that means either the country’s in great shape or going down the toilet!

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Bat Boy and Obatma brought their usual mischief to President Obama’s inaugural celebration.

After being bumped from Beyonce’s performance, the pop singer took pity on Obatma, the President’s half bat half brother, and brought him as her date to the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball.  Obatma wore a Calvin Klein version of his standard black suit, which Michelle Obama helped him pick out.  While Beyonce prepared with the tech crew to sing at the event, Obatma played with Sasha and Maliya Obama.

Although security was extremely tight and tickets were incredibly hard to come by, Obatma managed to sneak in the country’s most loveable mutant, Bat Boy, who had endorsed Obama to sway the mutant American vote. According to eyewitnesses, the two climbed up into the rafters and hung by their feet in order to get a better view of the famous dance.

The boys spent the rest of the evening dropping down onto unsuspecting celebrities and running away giggling. Mariah Carey fainted, Sting jumped into his wife’s arms and Jamie Foxx wept hysterically. Obatma handed Foxx chocolate-covered mosquitoes to make amends, which the actor at first didn’t understand, then finally accepted.

The three were later spotted hiding in the lap of the Lincoln Memorial pelting passerbys with snowballs.

CONCORD, NH – A gay bishop has been selected to give the first invocation of President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration, and he is going to do it loudly and proudly!

New Hampshire Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson, a gay rights leader, will be leading a prayer at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday. Many are speculating that he was chosen after the negative backlash over Rick Warren’s selection for the inauguration invocation.

“It is well known that I don’t care for Rick Warren,” declared Robinson. “He has perpetrated lies about the gay, lesbian and bisexual community under the guise of speaking for God.

“I know God, and I know God’s love, and He wants all of his children to love themselves just as they are. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do!”

In an effort to combat Warren’s anti-gay message, Robinson has arranged for an elaborate invocation. He will read from a bible resting on a rainbow bedazzled podium, while two Chelsea boys in hot pants will tearfully release white doves into the air. When Robinson has finished his prayer, drag queens in Michelle Obama costumes will dance across the stage, waving flags that read, “We did it!”

Robinson has not yet decided if the Gay Men’s Choir of Washington D.C. will conclude the ceremony with  “We Are Family (If the State Recognizes It)” or “Yes We Can (Eventually Get Married)”.