CHAPEL HILL, NC – Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of superfoods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten superfoods. Experts say superfoods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.    They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes, filled with delectable cream, wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!

According to Perricone, Twinkies have a direct Brain-Beauty connection. Twinkies are rich in antioxidants and fiber.   Twinkies have been proven to lower or help regulate blood sugar levels—an extremely important factor for all of those concerned with slowing the aging process and preventing diabetes, obesity, wrinkles and a host of degenerative diseases.  Here’s how Twinkies fight disease:

* Prevent or reduce inflammation

* Help regulate metabolism and burn body fat

* Promote a sense of well-being and calm

* Lower total cholesterol

* Lower blood pressure

* Increase smiling

* Help protect against heart disease

* Help protect against cancer

* Help soothe nerves

* Satisfy a craving for sugar

* Help protect organs from toxins

* Promote digestive health

Many nutritionists are skeptical of Dr. Perricone’s findings, but he defends his Twinkie choice, “Twinkies are always fresh and retain their chemical makeup for a long time. These chemical traits transfer to the body when the Twinkie is ingested. Therefore the person eating it will stay fresh and live longer. “

Perricone, whose skin looked perfect, credited Twinkies for his “glow.”  He added, “You obviously can’t simply eat Twinkies all day and expect to meet your full daily nutritional requirements. But Twinkies must be part of a balanced diet that includes fruits, vegetables and raw steak… then you’ll live a long time, and you’ll always be beautiful.”

Contrary to some internet rumors, Twinkies do NOT grow on trees. Twinkies were invented in 1933 at Continental Bakeries (later renamed Hostess), when they were making cream-filled strawberry shortcakes.  An employee, James A. Dewar is the man credited with inventing the Twinkie.  Strawberries were out of season and the machine making the strawberry cream wasn’t being used, so Mr. Dewar (a member of the Food Hall of Fame), decided to use banana cream instead. But there were no bananas available because of the Depression, so he used vanilla cream instead.  And… Viola!  The Twinkie was born.

In the 1960s, with the threat of nuclear bombs, people stored Twinkies in their bomb shelters – because they stay fresh forever. They have a shelf life of 246 years. Today, with the potential for nuclear war, people are once again stockpiling Twinkies, especially in lieu of the new research done by Dr. Perricone.

First Lady Michelle Obama, who is leading the government’s Anti-Childhood Obesity drive, is now advocating that children eat “five servings of Twinkies a day.  That’s two-and-a-half packets.”  Michelle Obama then held a Deep-Fried Twinkie party in the garden behind the White House.  “Now, we don’t recommend you deep-fry anything, but when you deep-fry Twinkies they do retain all their vital nutrients.  So, fry away kids!”

For you Twinkie lovers, here is a list of the life-prolonging ingredients in Twinkies:

Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40.

A short history of the All-American dessert:

George Clooney was led away in handcuffs after storming the Sudanese Embassy protesting the actions of the country’s president Omar Al-Bashir.  

Clooney made the rounds in Washington this week, hoping his superstar wattage will help shine a light on the situation in Sudan. The actor testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and held private meetings with the Secretary of State and President Obama about the African nation’s dire humanitarian situation and the Obama administration’s policy. He led a protest today outside of Sudan’s embassy calling on Omar Al-Bashir, an alleged war-criminal, to stop the violence and allow humanitarian aid into the country.

Also among those arrested were Clooney’s Father Nick Clooney, President of United to End Genocide and former Congressman Tom Andrews, Congressmen Jim McGovern, D-MA, Al Green, D-TX), Jim Moran, D-VA., and John Olver D-MA, Martin Luther King III, NAACP President Ben Jealous, and Enough Project Co-Founder John Prendergast, according to a police statement.

The Hollywood actor has been working with the John Prendergast from the advocacy group the Enough Project for years. He co-founded the Sudan Sentinel Project, which tracks human rights abuses on the border of Sudan and South Sudan using satellite cameras. Clooney’s said in the past that he wants to draw attention to the atrocities Al-Bashir’s allegedly irected against his own people for decades, to “make him famous.”

Some aren’t so sure the arrest had anything to do with Sudan.  Rumors are that Clooney said something to Michelle Obama at the State Dinner for David Cameron.

Michelle moved her seat to be next to Clooney and, apparently, the President wasn’t too happy about it.  And then… Clooney said something to Michelle – and it wasn’t about the fact that he was shorter than her.

Clooney’s not the only celebrity to get involved with human rights causes. Angelina Jolie may be one of the most well-known movie star philanthropists. She’s a good will ambassador for the United Nations Refugee Committee, and has spoken out and given money to numerous causes. She attended the reading of the first verdict from the International Criminal Court this week, finding Congolese warlord Thomas Lubanga guilty of using child soldiers. Jolie had been part of the process to bring Lubanga to justice. She visited the court three times during the trial and funded the Lubanga Chronicles, a program that used written articles, radio and the web to inform the Congolese public and the international community about the case.

“Perhaps [this] verdict of guilty provides some measure of comfort for the victims of Mr Lubanga’s actions,” Jolie said in a statement. “Most of all it sends a strong message against the use of child soldiers.”

There are rumors that Bat Boy was also at the protest and was arrested as well, but WWN can not confirm that at this time.

Dana Hughes

ABC 

WASHINGTON -  The White House announced that Michelle Obama is pregnant with the couple’s third child.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,”  White House sources said. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, told WWN he would not confirm or deny the rumor.   But WWN has confirmed that Michelle Obama is about two months into her pregnancy and the President and First Lady expect to have the baby sometime in late May, 2012.

There was a great deal of mystery about the whereabouts of the President and First Lady this summer.   There were many rumors about where they might be (Martha’s Vineyard, Chicago, Kenya)-  but now we know.  The happy couple was spending quality time together in the White House, making a new baby.

The last time a baby was born in the White House was Patrick Bouvier Kennedy.  He was born on August 7, 1963 and only lived two days. Patrick was the youngest child of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy and brother to Caroline Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

The President and First Lady are “ecstatic” about the news of a new baby.    Michelle Obama, 48,  and Barack Obama, 50,  waited almost seven years before having children.  Their first daughter, Malia Ann Obama was born on July 4, 1999 and Natasha (often called “Sasha”)was born two years later on June 10, 2001.

It is too early to determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, but William Daley, the President’s Chief of Staff, reportedly said that the President is hoping they have a boy.  “I’d love to see Barack Jr. in the White House some day,” he reportedly said.

President Obama is hoping the baby will spend it’s first four years of life in the White House.  He has also created a Baby Czar to handle the preparations for the Baby Shower and Baby Party.

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit.  They’re mission:  arrest the obese.

The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI.   This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.

The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members.  The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.

FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more).   FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings.  If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).

The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).

“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.

Here are the first few detainees of the world’s first Fat Farm detention center.  They were forced to run around a track for six straight hours.

The Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, has come out strongly against this new FBI unit.  ”This feels like Big Brother overreaching.  Fat people are often not fat by choice.  It’s often genetic. And the government has no business telling people what to eat.”

Chris Christie was the first person arrested by the FP for being obese.  However, he was not sent to the fat farm, but was brought to the Oval Office. President Obama gave him a warning – “stop eating DingDongs.”

Obama also gave Christie a signed picture of the two men walking on a tarmac in New Jersey.   “Use this picture as inspiration,” Obama reportedly told Christie.  ”You need to look like me.”

Reports are that a depressed Oprah, who has recently “let herself go” because of her failing TV network was also arrested.   Here’s her mugshot:

Can the federal government really force you to eat fruits and vegetables every day?  Can they really arrest you for not eating right?

Well, there are already legal challenges to the Fat Police and early next year the Supreme Court will decide whether Obama’s “skinny mandate” is constitutional.

Most Supreme Court watchers think that they Fat Police mandate will be upheld by the Supreme Court.  ”We count 7 skinny justices and 2 fat ones, Scalia and Thomas, so it should pass,” said Supreme Court watcher Professor Robert Rinderman of the University of Virginia.

This woman better run for her life:

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama issued an Executive Order banning the production and/or consumption of French Fries!

The White House has had enough with the obese in America.  ”Americans can no longer be trusted to eat the right food,” said Michelle Obama to the National Nutrition Association (NNA).  Soon after, President Obama issued an Executive Order banning French Fries in America.

“Any restaurant serving french fries will be heavily fined, as will any individuals eating french fries in public OR in their own home,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

Carney told WWN that obesity is a major health epidemic in the United States and that this is the first of “many executive orders” that President Obama will issue that will serve to control what Americans eat.

“We have to make America great again, and we can’t be a great country with so many overweight people,” said Carney

Fines for serving French Fries in a restaurant start at $5,000 per plate and for consumers – if you are caught eating one serving of French Fries that will cost you $200.

How will the Administration police all restaurants and homes.

“First off, we will be shutting down all French Fry production lines in America, so we will cut of the source of this evil food.  Secondly, we will encourage all Americans to report on their neighbors and friends.  If you see something, say something,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

Even if it hurts business, restaurants should exchange their top dishes for healthier items with less fat, salt and sugar and they should begin serving smaller portions, Obama said. As an example the First Lady offered this; instead of French fries, restaurants should serve apple slices or carrots with hamburgers and they can use less butter and cream even if it compromises taste.

Speaking at a local Olive Garden restaurant in Hyattsville, MD, Mrs. Obama joined senior management of Darden for a press conference. “This is a breakthrough moment in American history.  We will be come a healthy nation again.”

The boy in this photograph, Tommy Darby of Crystal Lake, IL, was the first to be fined $200.  He had a small fry with his Big Mac.

The White House is encouraging all Americans to eat “an apple a day” and may issue an Executive Order forcing Americans to do so.

NEW YORK — First lady Michelle Obama will play in the women’s final at the U.S.  Open.

Michelle Obama stopped by the U.S Open yesterday and wowed the spectators with her fierce play.   She played against Serena Williams, clocked a 105-mph serve .

U.S. Open officials – at the request of The White House – have put Michelle Obama in the semi-finals against Caroline Wozniacki.  The White House and Michelle Obama are confident she can win her first U.S. Open title – and her first tennis match – ever.

Before her match, Obama spoke to a group of local youngsters as part of her campaign against childhood obesity.

“I know I have a talent for tennis, but I wanted to be a lawyer instead,” she said. “But you don’t have to be as good as me to enjoy it.”

Obama then went on the court and in played what was first scheduled to be a “friendly game” against Serena Williams.

“The First Lady game to play,” said Williams.  ”I was hitting it gently to her and she was slamming them back at me.  I started playing for real and – she kicked my butt.”

Obama will be the first First Lady to appear in a U.S. Open Final.

“I’ve been trying to get to the U.S. Open my entire life,” Obama said.

She later took in the men’s quarterfinal matches at Arthur Ashe Stadium. Joined by former and current players Billie Jean King, James Blake and Katrina Adams, Obama recalled that she didn’t get into tennis until after law school because there were few courts where she grew up on the South Side of Chicago. Obama praised the U.S. Tennis Association’s efforts to build kid-sized courts around the country and recruit more youngsters to the game.

Now she hopes she and her daughters will still be playing when they’re in their 90s.

“It’s a sport you can do forever,” Obama said.  ”I love it.”

Does Obama think she can defeat Wozniacki.  ”It won’t even be close,” the First Lady said.

PATERSON, NJ  -  Chris Christie and Barack Obama inked a deal to play Abbott & Costello in a remake of a classic film – Abbott & Costello meet Frankenstein.

This weekend President Barack Obama flew to New Jersey to survey the flood damage.    He was met at the airport by New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.  The two men immediately hit it off.

“It was like they were best friends their whole lives,” said a source closet to President Obama.  “They both love Earth, Wind & Fire, they’re both lawyers and they both love junk food.  They were like ‘brothers from a different mother.’”

Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein was also with the two political leaders and he immediately saw the cinematic potential of the two men working together on-screen.  He told them they should play Abbott & Costello in a movie.

The two men immediately took to the idea and they stood up and did the “Who’s On First” skit, which surprisingly both men had memorized.

Chris Christie is the perfect portly size to play Lou Abbott and Barack Obama is slim enough, and tall enough, to be Bud  Costello.    Abbott is described usually as  dumb and happy and Costello is clever and sly.  They are perfect.

“It was amazing to watch them together,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary. Chris Christie does a dead-on impersonation of Lou Abbott and Barack Obama just kills as his straight man.

Weinstein signed both men up for a remake of the classic film, “Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.”  The men agreed to the terms quickly.   “The only part of the deal where there was some conflict was about the role of Frankenstein.  “Christie wanted George Soros to play Frankenstein, and Barack Obama wanted Rush Limbaugh to play Frankenstein.”  In the end they settled on Justin Bieber for the role.  “They want to have full star power for the movie,” Weinstein said.

Weinstein said the film won’t start shooting until both men have more time – which he speculated would be in February 2013.

Christie and Obama are already in meetings about their new roles.

BLACK ROCK CITY – The Obamas are going to Burning Man to celebrate the President’s 50th Birthday and extend their vacation.

Michelle and Barack Obama will leave the kids and fly to Black Rock City, Nevada on August 29th to attend the Burning Man Festival – for the second year in a row.  And why not?  It’s the best way for the President to celebrate his 50th birthday – which is August 3rd.

Burning Man is an annual art event and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance. It is  held on an ancient lakebed in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.  There is a gigantic expansion of temporary structures, with more than 40,000 “burners-in-residence.”  The biggest draw is the hundreds of strange activities going at any given moment.  “It’s just like the White House,”  said President Obama.

The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance, but the fact is there’s a lot of… sex and drugs.  Michelle and Barack both intend on taking ecstasy and doing Special K.  “People are saying that we’re not connected to the people.  Well, this will prove everybody wrong.  Now, can somebody please get me a bong!”

Art is an important part of the Burning Man experience, and Larry Harvey, founder of the Burning Man project, gives the festival a theme each year, as a way to encourage a common bond and to help make sure each individual’s contribution is put together in a meaningful way.

The theme this year is:  Rites of Passge.

“It’s perfect for Barack’s 50th,” said Michelle Obama.

The President has been working on his art for the festival:  a balloon-animal sculpture and a seashell collage that he intends to display while belly dancing.

“You can’t sit on the sidelines here,” said one Burner. “You gotta dive in, participate.”   President Obama and Michelle Obama plan to take off their clothes and Irish step-dance while young members of the White House staff bang on waffle irons nearby.  “We are going to make the best music Burners will ever see.   It will blow their heads.”  Obama said.

President Obama spoke about the meaning of Burning Man, “I think I see a unicorn.  It’s purple. It’s big.  Oh, and look at the those flying doorknobs.  Fly, doorknobs, fly!”

Michelle Obama was busy trying to plant broccoli in the desert.  Several burners tried to tell the First Lady that you can’t plant broccoli in scorching hot sand, but Michelle scolded them, “You can if you have elves helping you.  And I have a lot of elves and gnomes right here with me! Plus I’m using a magic hoe. So go!”

Secret Service agents will be run naked through the desert chasing alpacas during the week-long festival.   Or maybe it will be the other way around.

Harry Reid will also attend Burning Man (again), trying to impress his fellow Nevada citizens – especially those on LSD, because as Reid said, “they are the ones that best understand my speeches.  But President Obama isn’t happy with Reid going to  Burning Man, “He’s drag, man.  Dude doesn’t know how to get down in the desert, doesn’t know how to loosen up.  I gave him some magic mushrooms.  Maybe that’ll help.”  Reid was seen last year at Burning Man – he was standing on top of an port-o-john licking a frog and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

Here’s the kind of event the Obamas plan to attend this year :

CHICAGO – Barack Obama turned 50 today.  He joined AARP and got his discount card.

President Barack Obama turns 50 today.  At his birthday party last night he proudly waved his new AARP card.

BUT, AARP has rejected President Obama’s membership.

AARP President, Maura Malley said, “We have supported President Obama and are thankful for the $20 billion he gave us to help get Obamacare passed, but we don’t want him in our organization because man of our members said that if we let him in they would leave.  We had no choice. But AARP backs him in 2012!”

AARP ripped up the President’s discount card.  The President didn’t mind, “I’m too young to be in AARP anyway.  That’s for old people with low IQs.”

At President Obama’s birthday party at a glitzy ballroom in Chicago he was entertained by jazz man Herbie Hancock, R&B singer Jennifer Hudson, OK Go, a Chicago rock band and Beyonce came onstage in a string bikini and sang “Happy Birthday” to the President.

Michelle Obama stormed out of the hall.

The President didn’t mind – he just sipped his $5,000 a glass champagne and ate caviar that Vladmir Putin prepared himself.

“Putin has a carp farm and is quite good with caviar” said the President.  “I love the way he salts his caviar.”

The President said that even though the economy is tanking, he thinks the nation should take time out and “go shopping” on his birthday.  “We are on the road to a big recovery and we all need to spend more money,” the President told his supporters.

WASHINGTON -  After a man was detained by the Secret Service for jumping a fence at the White House – Charlie Sheen jumped over, too.

James Dirk Crudup, 41, scaled the fence on the north side of the White House between 7:30 and 8 p.m last night.  Charlie Sheen then scaled the fence at 8:30 pm.  He was yelling, “Debt deal – sizzle, losing, bye!” over and over again.

Sheen was reportedly “set off” by the debt deal but also because he learned that CBS was going to kill his character on Two and a Half Men.  “They’re going to behead my character. That’s bullshit.  Chuck Lorre will get his!”

Crudup was quickly taken into custody after scaling the fence.  Sheen, however, signed autographs for an hour then was taken into the Rose Garden for a “Winning Summit” with Barack Obama.

Secret Service knew Crudup was homeless, they thought Sheen was homeless.

Crudup has been charged with unlawful entry and contempt of court for violating a stay away order from the White House.  Sheen was put on the new Debt Commission formed by the President.

A CNN news crew caught some of the drama on tape as it unfolded. Video showed agents leading Crudup, as they held his hands behind his back, across the North Lawn on the Pennsylvania Avenue side of the White House, where tourists gather to take photographs.  Anderson Cooper flew to Washington to interview Charlie Sheen on CNN.

Reporters still at work in the White House press room saw agents who are stationed closer to the White House with their weapons drawn. A t least one agent could be seen on the roof of the building peering through a pair of binoculars.  Several reporters thought they saw several Secret Service agents aiming their pistols at Sheen’s head.  One female Secret Service agent took a shot at Sheen’s crotch – she missed.

As soon as President Barack Obama found out Sheen was half-naked on his front lawn, he ran over to Sheen, got his autograph and invited him inside.   They were planning on going golfing this weekend.  Sheen made  Michelle Obama an honorary “goddess.”