NEW YORK, NY – Michelle Bachmann has come forward saying she is being stalked by left-wing TV show hosts.

Bachmann, a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, first rose to national prominence for her suggestion that Democrat leaders should be investigated by Congress for being “un-American.”  Recently she has been in the limelight over her criticism of proposed “Sex Clinics” for schools in the Democrat health care bill.  According to Bachmann the program proposed by Democrats would set up clinics that would offer birth control and give abortions all on school grounds.  It was this criticism, she believes, that made her a target of the Left Wing.

On the O’Reilly Factor Wednesday night, Michelle Bachmann said she believes she is being stalked by TV show hosts at competing networks.  Bachmann says that her criticism of the Democrats and their programs has made her a target.  “Maybe they just can’t take criticism, or maybe I’m getting too close to the Truth!  But now they are there, and they’re out to get me!”

Bachmann said that while she was getting coffee that morning a poorly disguised Jon Stewart was standing behind her.  “All week Keith Olberman has been outside my house pretending to be part of a construction crew!”  “And anytime I use a public toilet, Rachel Maddow is there.  Sometimes she comes in right after I do.  Sometimes she’s already there, pretending not to listen to me.  How do they know where I’ll be?  HOW DO THEY KNOW!??”  Bachmann broke down in tears as Bill O’Reilly comforted her and called the Democratic hosts “sick.”

So far there is no evidence to Bachmann’s claims aside from her own heartfelt testimony.  However Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, has asked his lawyers to look into the matter.  Bachmann, with her supporters in Congress, will call for a full scale government investigation of the incident and the Television hosts in question.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Hill was shocked as Pennsylvania’s senior Senator, Republican Arlen Specter, announced he was switching parties – because of the babes!

With rumors mounting for weeks about a likely showdown in the Republican Primary, Specter has in recent weeks made moves to seemingly  reestablish his place as a traditional Republican politician.  His rejection of the Employee Free Choice Act is the most recent example.

Specter, along with the other moderate Republican Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, have found themselves very popular thus far in the Obama Presidency, as their votes are frequently courted to break fillibuster threats over populist and progressive legislation such as the 2009 Bail Out.

However, Specter’s recent and frequent siding with the Democratic majority was surprisingly not his primary reason for abandoning the party he has been a part of for nearly three decades.

“I love the Republican Party and what it stands for,” Specter told reporters during a news conference Wednesday.  “However, the Republican Party we see today is not the same Party I joined when I first ran for Congress in 1980.  The face has changed and so have the ideals.”

“I mean, c’mon, seriously, where are the babes?  What kind of Party have we become when Bachmann is considered our top tier?”

Specter was referring to Minnesota Representative and supposed “hottie to the max” Michelle Bachmann, who gained notoriety just before the 2008 Election for inflammatory rhetoric on the campaign trail.

“You can’t tell me that’s the best we can do.  She looks like the Nanny.  Worse, she sounds like her,” Specter continued. “I’ll take a cool, laid back babe like Sebelius over a dolled-up trollop like Palin any day.”

Specter’s about-face and critique of the Party did not go over well with many of his former colleagues. Republican demagogue and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, was quick to criticize the move.

“Who does this guy think he is?” Limbaugh bellowed on his daily radio show program shortly after the announcement.  “Who is he to say that the Republican Party doesn’t know how to attract babes?  Have you seen Cindy McCain?  Have you seen Sarah Palin? These broads are stone cold foxes.”

“What does the Democratic Party have?  Hillary Clinton?  Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  Just the thought of those women makes me think I’ll never pitch a tent again, if you know what I mean.”

“You know what?!  I say good riddance!  Take Meghan McCain with you.  She’d fit right in and we don’t want her!”

But not all of Specter’s former Republican Colleagues were so immediate in their dismissal. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe showed her usual middle of the road Independence and restraint. “When I heard the news, it was not easy to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions,” Snowe responded.

“How could I not take this decision personally?  Arlen and I have been friends and colleagues for over twenty years.  I know we’re not as young as we used to be, but I certainly think I’m still pretty good looking.”

When reached for comment, Senator Specter said, “Oh I never meant for Olympia to take this decision personally.  I certainly was not including her in my early comments or during my personal deliberations.  Olympia is a babe, for sure.  She is the definition of Cougar.”

“I know that many high ranking Democrats have reached out to her hoping she would consider switching Parties.  Let me say clearly and on the record: Olympia, babe, you would fit right in!”