The BBC picked the Woman of the Year for 2011.   Sweetie, the panda, won hands down!

BBC executives debated for weeks about the most important woman of 2011.  They considered Gabrielle Giffords, Michele Bachmann and Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff, but none of those women were as important as Sweetie, the panda, who came to Scotland from mainland China.

SPARTANBURG, SC – A day after wishing Elvis Presley “Happy Birthday” on the anniverary of his death, Michele Bachmann invited MJ to Washington.

Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) is on a roll.  She made a gaffe yesterday and wished Elvis Presley a “Happy Birthday” on the 34th anniversary of his death, and today she tried to outdo herself.

“Some people think that I don’t know much about music.  But, I not only love the two major styles of music, country and classical, but I am also very much into the music the kids are listening to today.  In fact, I think musicians can help heal the world.  That’s why I am inviting Michael Jackson to join me in Washington DC in September, so we can all come together and… change the world!”

Bachmann’s aides tried to tell her that Michael Jackson died in 2009, but the Congresswoman was on a roll.  “I’ve loved Michael Jackson since I was a little girl.  His hit “Superstition” is one of my favorite songs of all times and when he plays the harmonica, it sends shivers down my leg.  I’m just said that he’s blind.”

Bachmann then went on to talk about gay marriage:  “Gay marriage is fine with me as long as you are not a homosexual.  Homosexuals are sinners.  Boys should not be having sex with boys and girls should not be having sex with girls.  God said that.  Not me.”

The Spartanburg crowd seemed stunned by Bachmann’s speech.

“If your gay and you want to get married – go ahead.  But to me ‘gay’ means ‘happy’ – so being happy is a good reason to get married.”

Bachmann is becoming famous for redefining words.  On Fox News Sunday, she told Chris Wallace that she and her husband think the word “submissive” means “respectful”.  She also thought that the word “bigot” means “patriotic” and she defined the word “sex” to mean “get it over as quickly as possible.”

Bachmann is currently in third place in the latest poll for the Republican nomination.  She is excited to meet Michael Jackson in September and has chosen as her campaign theme song, “Man In The Mirror.”

“That’s what I am.  A man in a mirror,”  Bachmann told the crowd.

WASHINGTON -  Several days after Michele Bachmann won approval for The Tea Party Caucus in the House, Nancy Pelosi has announced she will join.

Speaker of the House Pelosi made this statement, “Even though there are many cross-dressers, nail-biters and bedwetters in this Republican caucus, I think by joining I can finally get them to think straight.”  She explained that Republicans have a long history of  closeted sexual behavior and the “best way to win over Tea Party members is to go their caucus meetings, tie them up and beat them.  That’s what they want, and that’s what I’ll give them.  Really, it’s very similar to the way I work with every other Caucus.”

When Jake Tapper  of ABC asked her why she was dressed as dominatrix for the press conference, Pelosi said “Oh, I just forgot to change.  I’m tired of being subtle and many Republican House members love it, particularly Representative Pete Sessions of Texas… he’s a bad boy, a really bad boy.”  Pelosi snapped her whip toward Rep. Sessions, who then barked like a dog.

Michelle Bachman, who originally extended the invitation to Pelosi to join the Tea Party Caucus as a political move, was a bit skeptical “I’ve never been a fan of Pelosi’s techniques, especially when she makes me dress up as Eleanor Roosevelt and sing union songs.”  But other Tea Party Caucus members were more upbeat about Pelosi’s decision. “I love it when Nancy puts me in a corset thong and makes me crawl across the floor, while telling me I don’t need to read the bills, I just need to sign them,” said Mike Pence, Representative of Indiana, who managed to step away from his mirror to talk to WWN.

Gary G. Miller, a Representative from California said, “I wholeheartedly welcome Nancy into our new caucus. I’ve always loved her legislative approach. I particularly like it when she attaches electrodes to my testicles. It really helps me understand the issues better.”

When asked if she thought members of the Tea Party Caucus were racists, Speaker Pelosi said, “Racists? No, no, no… the Tea Party is just a bunch of old Klan members with bad teeth.”

Joe Wilson, the Representative who yelled “you lie” at President Barack Obama during a speech to Congress, said that he intends to yell that phrase repeatedly at Pelosi during Tea Party Caucus meetings. Pelosi responded, “Oh, he just wants more of my attention.  I’ll just put a ball gag in his mouth and slap him around for an hour.  He loves being my bitch.”

The Tea Party will meet in the dungeon of The Capitol every Wednesday at 4 a.m.

WASHINGTON, DC – Angry demonstrators were arrested for storming Nancy Pelosi’s office.  Citizens used liberal Halloween disguises to get by security.

Yesterday roughly a dozen people were arrested for causing a disturbance in and just outside of Nancy Pelosi’s office.  The protestors are believed to have gotten by the tough security using a series of clever disguises.  Some protesters dressed as cliche hippies and liberals.  They walked directly by security saying taglines like, “Golly, I sure do like big government”  or “Unregulated government spending is awesome!”

One gentleman wore a suit of armor, and stood still against a wall whenever anyone came near.  He worked in tandem with another protester dressed as a potted plant.  Three men dressed as chimney sweeps, and were casually let through, despite there being no chimneys in the building.  One man did research to find out what the wallpaper in the building looked like, then painted his entire body to match it.  He could still be seen easily from any angle that wasn’t staring directly at a wall, but no one wanted to get too close to the chubby naked man covered in body paint.

Once inside the office, the ringleader of the operation decried, “Let the wild demonstration, begin!”  Immediately the protesters began running around making a general mess of things, tossing shredded copies of the Health Care Bill.  Some of the protesters waited in the hallway outside, giving whomever walked by a wedding like reception with shredded health care pages.  Soon security was on hand to break up the festivities.

Thankfully the protest was held at Pelosi’s office in the Cannon House Office Building, and not at her office in Capitol Hill.  Building security calmly removed the protesters and handed them over to police, where they were charged with disorderly conduct.  A similar demonstration in the Capital Building would qualify as a terrorist act, raising the alert level to orange and elevating our current Defcon level.  Building Security were reluctant to get too close to the naked wallpaper man, and he disappeared.

If you live in the D.C. metro area and have seen a chubby naked man covered in body paint, please call the authorities immediately.

WASHINGTON, DC – Rep. Michele Bachmann called for citizens to be “armed and dangerous” over one of President Obama’s proposals, and she has stepped up to the plate.

Bachmann is a Republican Representative for Minnesota, who has already found herself in hot water numerous times. Bachmann has stated that gays and lesbians suffer from “sexual dysfunction” and believes the gay community targets children. During the 2008 presidential election, Bachmann said she had concerns that nominee Barack Obama had anti-American views, and that there were anti-American members of Congress that should be investigated.

But Rep. Bachmann made her most alarming statement just a few days ago. When asked on a radio show about President Barack Obama’s cap-and-trade proposal to reduce carbon emissions, Bachmann exclaimed:

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us ‘having a revolution every now and then is a good thing,’ and the people — we the people — are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country. And I think this has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States.”

Rep. Bachmann has made good on her word and showed up outside the White House this morning, shotgun in hand, ready to start a revolution. To a press conference of three, Bachmann stated, “I have called upon thousands of loyal Americans to march here this morning, with whatever weapons they have on hand: butter knives, slingshots, silly string, water balloons… Anything that’s going to let the Washington Elite know that we are serious!”

By 10am, no other citizens had shown, so Bachmann decided to go it alone. She made it halfway over the gate before getting stuck. Security guards stood by for 15 minutes and watched her struggle before finally helping her down. They quietly confiscated her GI Joe toy rifle and let her go.

Rush Limbaugh pledged that he would help Bachmann dig a tunnel to the White House; however, he pledged this on his nationally syndicated radio show, somewhat ruining the element of surprise.