TACONY, PA – At a recent campaign stop in northeast Philadelphia, Governor Sarah Palin used her spiritual powers to heal a young child. Four-month-old Nathaniel Dockman, the son of Tracy and Joe, had a fever for nearly a week before being taken to a McCain rally for treatment.

The cause of the fever is unknown, though experts suspect either witchcraft or the flu.  Nathaniel’s parents said they did not consult a doctor, as they are Christian Scientists and do not believe in medical treatment.

Tracy told reporters, “It’s just a miracle.  Nathaniel will survive because of this amazing woman.  We considered taking Nathaniel to Michael Cera, but we had no way of finding him.”

While Michael Cera’s powers are born out of his self-deprecating humor, Palin’s healing ability seems to draw strength from her small-town values and ‘you betcha’ mentality.

Joe just smiled and explained, “We don’t know where she gets it from. All we know is that Sarah was the right choice for our child, and will be the right choice for our country.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – Sensitive hipster comedian performs divine healing.  Most commonly noted for his shy and awkward comic characters, Michael Cera was witnessed healing a sick child with his self-deprecating humor.

Outside of a charity event in Los Angeles, Mr. Cera was seen discreetly talking to wheelchair bound Katie Harris, there with her father.  After several minutes of dry humor and shy downward smiles from Cera, the young Miss Harris was able to jump and dance to a White Stripes song.  Mr. Cera was an endearingly horrible dancer.

Legions have now claimed to be healed by touching a television or movie screen while Michael Cera is on.

Screen healings appear to be limited to headaches and seasonal allergies.  Alternative medical experts are already recommending patients hold copies of Arrested Development against their abdomen to improve liver function, or biting down on them to prevent tooth decay.  Copies of Cera’s sex comedy Superbad are being ground up by herbalists to fight impotence.

These events could shed light on mysterious events at a children’s hospital in Oakland where two dozen children in the chemotherapy wing were healed by what they described as a “Big Nerd” who left behind a mix tape featuring several obscure indie rock bands.