MIAMI FL – Everyone in Miami is in on the porn game and wants to be a star.

Since the beginning of the 1980s, Miami has been seen by many as a dirty, seedy, and unsafe city to inhabit. Drug trafficking reached an all time high in the late 1980s, bringing crime and gruesome violence along with it. Popular culture has depicted this debauchery in movies like Scarface and the hit 1980s TV show Miami Vice. The crime and violence soon came under control in the early 1990s, largely due to the devastation caused by hurricane Andrew.

Now Miami is seeing new kids on the block, taking the place of the once omnipresent drug cartels. Pornography is now the new cash crop in south Florida. Its popularity has grown so much at the tip of the sunshine state, that it is starting to rival the industry of its sister porn city of Los Angeles. Many Miami porn executives even argue that it has surpassed LA, claiming that to film pornography in LA is “so passé”.

Recent 2010 census surveys and tax documentation has uncovered that most everyone living in Miami is now somehow affiliated with the porn industry. School teachers, librarians, doctors, pizza delivery boys and even 7-11 attendants are involved in the industry. Don’t you always wonder how they are able to film these things in libraries, doctor’s offices and the occasional convenience store? It’s because everyone is in on it. They all want a piece of the pie.

Recently, even the Miami-Dade Park & Recreation Department got in on the action. Reality Kings, a Miami based pornography company known for their guerilla style tactics, recently filmed Island Adventures on Monument Island, home of the 110-foot obelisk honoring Florida pioneer Henry Flagler. The movie was posted to their website earlier this month and credited the posting to one “Captain Stabbin.”

Since word of this unsavory affair became public, it has given rise to an investigation to see if any laws were broken by Reality Kings during the filming. Attorneys for the company claim that no laws were broken, as no one from the public was on the island at the time of filming.

“This is not an uninhabited island miles off the coast,” Assistant City Manager Hilda Fernandez rebutted, “It’s in the middle of a very busy bay. You can’t go filming pornos in public parks.”

Currently the investigation has revealed that a junior parks official sanctioned the filming stating, “I thought that it was pretty smart to choose to film the scene in front of the obelisk, being that it is phallic and all, so creative!” Since discovery of the poor judgment call, the junior staffer has been relieved of his position. The incident is still under investigation to determine if Reality Kings will be charged with any wrong dong doing.

MIAMI – A man set the world record for eating meat (in pounds) at Miami’s premier BBQ restaurant.

In what started as a normal family dining experience at a popular Miami BBQ restaurant, ingestion experts are now calling it “impossible,” “improbable,” “freak of nature” and, of course “repulsive.”

A Brooklyn man visiting Miami over the long weekend has eaten his weight in barbecue meats over a period of 7.5 hours at Sparky’s Roadside Barbecue in downtown Miami.  Sparky’s proprietor, Kevin Kehoe, remarked, “Blew my mind!  This guy comes in with his family and orders a half rack of ribs and a pulled pork sandwich, like any normal dude, but he just wouldn’t stop.  The guy was inhaling everything.  We almost ran out of meat.”

Starting at about 5:15 p.m., the restaurant staff confirmed, the man started his dinner and upon finishing his first entrees, asked for the menu and proceeded to order everything else – multiple times.  Pulled pork and smoked chicken thighs were the favorites in his eating binge that proceeded well past the restaurant’s closing hours.  Recognizing something special was happening – Sparky’s remained open and actually fired up its specialty Friedrich smoker to prepare more food.  Several items came off the smoker in time to keep his eating fest going.

The man’s family – who has requested anonymity as they go through counseling – both emotional and financial – was at first passive at the picnic table seating in the restaurant.  But as the eating procession continued, they became more and more excited and even began to cheer.   “Go baby backs; go smoked duck; go pulled pork; go catfish; go jerk chicken, go Mahi Mahi, go chopped chicken…”  It’s still not clear if the man had planned to compete in this weekend’s Miami marathon… but he certainly was well fueled to make the distance.

But in all the rejoicing, there were some sad faces amongst the Sparky’s side dishes… as the man, in his quest for meat, refused to eat the mac & cheese, collard greens, baked beans, cole slaw, corn or even mashed potatoes.  Only the banana pudding got the nod, as the final course on the eating spree – which concluded 168 pounds (and two bathroom breaks) later.

“We need a bigger smoker,” Mr. Kehoe  said to his manager, Lisa.

Go down to Sparkys, see if you can eat your weight in BBQ!

MIAMI  – A woman who paid for cheap plastic surgery had cement injected into her butt.

She wanted to work  at a nightclub, so she searched for someone who could make her butt look better, give her a curvier body – for a lot less.

She found a doctor – and he injected cement into her butt!

Police arrested the doctor.   And the suspect is a transgendered plastic surgeon!

The suspect was born a man, but identifies as a woman.  S/he  performed the cement surgery on herself, and felt it went so well that s/he started performing the operation on others.

Oneal Ron Morris, 30, was arrested Friday after a year on the lam and has been charged with practicing medicine without a license with serious bodily injury.

Police photos show Morris as a small-framed woman with bee-stung pouty lips, arched eyebrows, oversized hoop earrings – and a large backside. She was released from jail on bond.

Miami Gardens Police Sgt. Bill Bamford said Sunday that Morris bounced from house to house for a year, driving a black Mercedes and staying out of investigators’ sight “like a ghost.” An officer drove by one of those possible houses nearly every day on his way to work and saw the car outside on Friday, and he arrested Morris soon after.

The victim, who is not being named due to medical privacy laws, paid $700 for a series of injections in May 2010. She was referred to Morris by a friend.

Morris injected some type of tube in several sites around her bottom, pumping it full of a toxic concoction, that was primarily cement.  Morris reassured the woman when the pain became too intense, police said.

Bamford said Morris told the woman, “`Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out.”‘

Here’s another cement butt implant.  This was just a tiny amount of cement:

Bamford said the victim was reluctant to come forward. She quickly went to two South Florida hospitals due to severe abdominal pain and infected sores on her buttocks accompanied by flu-like symptoms. But she left each time, too embarrassed to tell doctors what she’d done.

Her mother eventually took her to a hospital on Florida’s west coast, where alarmed doctors pressed her for information. They alerted the Department of Health.

“The doctors knew no licensed physician in his right mind would ever do this,” Bamford said.

The victim is still recovering from the surgery and says it’s too painful to work. She also has racked up numerous medical bills.

Authorities believe there are other victims who may be too embarrassed to come forward.  Could this be another victim?

SIESTA KEY, FL – Giant LEGO Man made an epic journey from Denmark to the U.S. and is now seeking political asylum.

Giant LEGO Man, who is 8 feet tall, was found lying on a Florida beach, dehydrated and near-death.

A man, Todd Huntley, was out walking on the beach near lovely Siesta Key in Florida, when he came across “something” laying in the surf a ways away. He went to investigate, and  found Giant LEGO man, named Leonard. On its torso was a message “No Real Than You Are.”

It was a cryptic message, but authorities in Miami said that the message was a common one for Giant Lego people.  ”There’s a history of discrimination in Denmark against Giant Lego people.  They have felt persecuted since 1987, when Danish authorities rounded them all up and put them on display in a mall.  Over the years many have tried to escaped, but Leonard is the first one to make it to the United States and the first to ask for asylum.

The U.S. immediately granted Leonardo asylum, and alerted Danish authorities that he was now safely in America. The US’s ‘wet foot/ dry foot’ policy permits Giant Lego people, who arrive on US shores by illegal means to remain in the US despite having not qualified for legal US immigration.

Here’s Leonard when he was first spotted:

WWN spoke to Nicola Brandozi, CEO at LEGO, the company that created the toy/human hybrid, but she declined comment.  She did say though that the company intends to bring Leonardo “home.”

Two other Giant Lego men have washed ashore – but both were found dead.  Several years ago a giant LEGO man washed up in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort.

That same figure also appeared at a Brighton beach in the U.K.

Leonardo, who is resting comfortably in a Miami hospital, made a brief statement.

“My name is Leonard.  I come to America because this country represents, to me, happiness, solidarity, all green and blossoming, with no rules or limitations.  I am here to discover and learn about your world and thoughts. Show me all the beautiful things that are there to admire and experience in your world.  I am also looking for a lover.”

WWN welcomes Leonard to the U.S. – and wish him luck in his new life.  He’s already out playing with the kids:

MIAMI – Giant snails have invading homes in Miami, destroying houses and… killing dozens of residents!

Miami authorities are struggling to wipe out an invasion of Giant African Snails that are munching on plants, destroying houses and attacking humans.  Last week, a pair of sisters tipped off officials to the slimy creatures, which can grow up to 10 inches long by 4 inches wide, and lay roughly 12o,o00 eggs a year. “I had never seen anything like it,” says one frightened resident. “ We are under attack!”

In southwest Miami, a small subdivision is being called “ground zero” of an invasion by a destructive, non-native species. They are wreaking havoc  destroying property and attacking humans.

“It’s us against the snails,” Richard Gaskalla, head of plant industry for Florida’s Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, tells weekends on All Things Considered host Guy Raz.

The Giant African Land Snail can grow to be 10-30 inches long. They leave a slimy trail of excrement wherever they go. They harbor the microscopic rat-lung worm, which can transmit meningitis to humans.  They will literally eat your house and crawl into your brain and eat it.

“They’ll attach to the side of the house and eat the stucco off the side of the house,” Gaskalla says. The snails are also attracted to garbage and pet food that’s been left out.

Giant African Land Snails are restricted in the US. Gaskalla says people often smuggle them into the country in their pockets, because they make popular novelty pets.

“Back in 1965 we had an introduction that was traced back to an elementary-aged child that had put two of them in his pocket in Hawaii and brought them back to Miami,” Gaskalla says. “Seventeen-thousand snails, a million dollars, and ten years, we eradicated them.”

A more recent introduction several years ago was traced to small religious sects in Miami, where the snails are believed to harbor healing properties.

Dr. Ivan Vargas, a leading malacologist from Stanford University, has  flown to Miami to try to help authorities eradicate the snails.

“A young woman had come in with some bad headaches and we had to take fast action to save her,” said Vargas.  ”We extracted the snail from her brain, through her ear, but others  that came in weren’t so lucky.”

Fifty-nine residents have been attacked and there have been five deaths.

“I’ve never seen snails so… deadly,” said Vargas.

Authorities are asking residents not to handle the creatures. Anyone who finds a suspicious snail is advised to call the Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services help line.  Volunteers will ID and collect the snails before taking them to be killed in a freezer.

“That’s sort of a kinder, gentler way to get rid of them,” Gaskalla explains.

Other residents want the Army to bring in Snail Tanks to attack the snails and blow them “the hell out of Miami!” as one resident put it.

MIAMI – Miami Heat fans buying up voodoo dolls by the thousands to curse the Mavs.

They’re selling out like hot cakes. The owner of El Viejo Lazaro Botanica,  which sells all sorts of bizarre religious supplies, including voodoo dolls, says that most of his customers are buying his voodoo dolls to curse the Mavs.

Miami fans are gathering in groups and sticking as many pins into voodoo dolls, hoping that the Mavericks will suffer from the stings of the voodoo pins.  “We are going to all stick pins in our dolls when the game starts tonight,” said Willie James of Miami.  “Dirk is going down in the first quarter.  He’s going down!”

Miami fans are also buying an herbal bath product called “Paraiso,” as reported by TMZ. The shop owner said a user puts the herbs in a bath, gets in, and visualizes what he wants to happen, such as the Miami Heat winning.

If a lot of Miami fans were bathing with Paraiso for Game 4, their efforts apparently didn’t work. LeBron James scored only eight points in total for the whole game, as the Heat lost to the Mavericks 86-83.

According to the owner, you put the herbs in a bath, get in, then visualize what you want to happen — in this case, a Miami Heat victory.

But that won’t stop the Heat fans from cheering and — sticking pins in their Mav voodoo dolls!

MIAMI, FL  -  Killer jellyfish are attacking beachgoers in Florida. They’ve killed 7,167 people already!

In the past week there have been more than 16,00 reports of jellyfish “stings” along the coast of Florida. And the type of jellyfish responsible for the mass chaos isn’t indigenous to North America!

Monty Graham, a scientist at Alabama’s Dauphin Island Sea Lab, said the killer jellyfish appear to be what are known as mauve stingers, a species that often blooms in response to small climate cycles like El Nino.

“The interesting thing about these jellyfish is that they’re very sporadic. They occur in heavy numbers, but not every year,” he said.  “The jellyfish in Florida are extremely dangerous.  One sting can paralyze a person, two stings and… they are dead.”

Florida State Ocean Rescue officials said they began flying warning flags at beaches from Jacksonville to Miami Beach last Tuesday, indicating either a high or a severe hazard, along with another flag indicating deadly marine life.

“From last Wednesday to Friday, we got about 6o,000 reports. Saturday to (Tuesday), we got another ten thousand,” Chief Jeb Zabad said.

The last time he had seen such a widespread outbreak in the United States was in the 1960s, when over 200,000  Florida swimmers died because of jellyfish stings.

When stung, mauve stinger victims may see a discoloration on their skin where contact was made, Graham said. “If you get stung and see these marks… you will have about three hours to get to a hospital to get a soy milk sponge bath, which is the only cure.  If you don’t – you will die.”

Here’s what the marks look like.  On the torso:

And on the legs:

The stings first cause itching, burning and rashes.  Hospital across Florida are being overrun with patients that have been stung by the killer jellyfish.

The Obama Administration has issued a Jellyfish Emergency Alert.  The National Guard is being sent down to Florida to hunt and kill these jellyfish.

Bottom line: Don’t go in the water!!

Most victims were being treated by a vinegar solution stocked at the various lifeguard stations.

Despite the abundance of visible jellyfish in the water, many trying to enjoy the Memorial Day weekend took their chances — and suffered the repercussions.

“We’ve already gone through about 25 gallons of vinegar. Even so, a lot of people didn’t go into the water,” Scabarozi said. “I just want to know when they’re going to leave.”

MIAMI, FL -  An eagle ray weighing  300 pounds landed on top of a woman on a boat in the Florida Keys , throwing her to the deck and pinning her.

The woman, Jenny Hausch, was on the chartered boat Friday with her husband and three children, taking pictures of a group of eagle rays as they flew out of the water.

“These eagle rays, they were flying through the air,” said Kelly Klein of Two Chicks Charters, the captain of the boat. “These giant things go out of the water and slam back down.”

Hausch said she was in the front of the boat, snapping away.

“The first picture I took of the ray jumping was 50 feet in front of us,” she said.

When the ray jumped again, Hausch said she was readying her camera.

“Next thing I know, it hit me square in the chest. I fell backwards and fell down,” she said.

Klein said the ray kept “slamming and slamming on top of (Hausch), trying to swim away.”

Hausch said the incident happened so fast that she didn’t have time to react.

“I was just trying to push it off me as I was scooting backwards,” she said.

Hausch’s husband and children watched in horror.

Florida Fish and Wildlife Officers Aja Vickers and Bret Swensson were patrolling the water near the tour boat when they heard screams.

“We turned around and looked and saw the eagle ray thrashing around in the boat and at that point we realized we had a problem,” said Vickers.

As the officers made their way to the boat, Vickers said, “shoes were getting thrown off the boat, towels were going everywhere.”

By the time officers made it to the boat Hausch had freed herself from under the ray.

Klein said the animal measured 8-feet across, and probably weighed a good 300 pounds.

“It’s just massive, it has a 10-foot tail,” she added.

Klein said everyone thought that Hausch was dead, but when she was freed she didn’t have a scratch on her. Hausch said it was the scariest thing that’s ever happened to her, and she’s thankful she didn’t get hurt.

Hausch’s children were hysterical, but she and her husband decided to continue the charter in hopes that the incident wouldn’t make them afraid of the water.

Eagle rays can measure as much as 10 feet across and 17 feet long — from their snout to the end of their barbed tails — and weigh up to 500 pounds, according to the Florida Museum of Natural History. The spines on the tails are venomous and can inflict serious wounds.

“This is a total one-in-a-million chance,” she said. “These animals aren’t attacking by any means. One theory is these animals jump during mating season.”

MIAMI, FL – Shady Pines to hold its 25^th Annual Rascal Race.

Shady Pines, a south Florida retirement home, has a long standing tradition where it allows its residents, once a year, to let loose and put the pedal to the metal. For the past 25 years the staff at Shady Pines has set up an indoor race track where the residents who are bound to electric mobility devices, often referred to by the brand name Rascals, can compete with one another to determine who is the fastest and most agile electric scooter pilot.

The residents refer to themselves as pilots, as opposed to drivers, since most of them feel as if they are flying due to the fact that the scooter moves about 45 times faster than they can when walking.

The winner of the event receives unlimited cherry Jello and chocolate pudding for three consecutive months and bragging rights for the rest of the year. In previous years the winner was allowed to choose what flavor they wanted, whenever they wanted but the staff at Shady Pines soon found that the answer was always the same, cherry Jello and chocolate pudding, thus putting an end to the choice.

“We hold the race during the winter because at this time of year the residents tend to get cabin fever and the race really helps them to unwind. Even though at this time of year the highs can get into the low 80s, all the residents complain that it is too cold to go outside. Most of them will not even step foot outdoors unless the thermostat reads 87 or above,” said Vance Gibbins, an orderly at Shady Pines.

Last year’s reigning champ Chester “Tweeker” Thompson, seen here braving the elements, has been training for months to insure that he will retain bragging rights and get his hands on all of that delicious Jello and pudding.

This year is a special year for the Rascal Race as it is the Silver anniversary; making it all the more necessary to amp up the festivities since most of the “pilots” are self proclaimed silver foxes.

To honor this special occasion, Rascal, popular manufacturer of electric mobility devices, has agreed to co-sponsor the event, bringing with it Miss Rascal 2011, the Rascalettes, and lots of lube…for the scooters. Here is a picture of Miss Rascal 2011.

“For over 30 years, Rascal has designed and manufactured mobility products to help keep the elderly active and maintain their independence. We are proud to be sponsors of this monumentous occasion here at Shady Pines,” Said Bill Hendrickson, PR rep for Rascal.

Live coverage of the event will be streaming at the Shady Pines website this Saturday.

SOUTH BEACH, Miami – The Jersey Devil is spotted taking a break from the harsh NJ winter.

Legend has it that after springing from the loins of a 19^th century whore, the Jersey Devil immediately spread its wings and took flight. After soaring through the skies looking for a home, the wretched beast finally settled down in the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey. Until now, the Jersey Devil has been a reclusive creature not venturing out into public with much frequency. The creature’s reclusiveness is largely due to the repeated accusations that it continually kills livestock in the region.

“Them devils er ornery lil rascals, always killin’ ma livestock!” exclaimed Joe Headley, a farmer from southern NJ that raises cattle, reindeer and alpaca.

But now it seems that the Jersey Devil, or JD as he likes to be called, has broken free form the hermit lifestyle. Like many other snow birds, he has taken refuge in the sunshine state for the reminder of the season, avoiding the rest of this year’s harsh New Jersey winter.

JD has recently been spotted vacationing in Miami’s hot spot, South Beach. Several accounts have been reported of a large winged bipedal creature, with a horse-like head and hooves for feet gallivanting about South Beach’s Lincoln Road. Many believe that JD decided to travel to this tropical oasis because most of south Florida’s residents have never even heard of the Jersey Devil, much less know about its sorted past.

“I’ve never heard of the Jersey Devil,” slurred Ashley Bonita, a regular South Beach party girl, as she swayed drunkenly twirling her hair between her fingers, “Where’s Jersey anyway? LOL!”

And although JD has an ominous presence and repugnant foul smell, no one has seemed to mind him loitering about on the strip and the ladies of South Beach just cannot seem to get enough of him. Several party girls have been flocking to have their photos taken with the mythical beast.

“Sure, JD’s a little different, really hairy, kinda smelly and has terribly ugly feet, but have you seen the abs on him? Wow!”

It has been rumored that JD has been having so much fun on his vacation that he may make south Florida his permanent residence.