MEXICO CITY –  Americans, in the hundreds of thousands, are crossing the border into Mexico -looking for work.

There were ZERO jobs created in the United States last week.  Unemployment remains over 9.1% and if you consider all the Americans that have stopped looking for work, the number is closer to 20%.

The answer for a large group of Americans:   Mexico.

The Mexican economy is booming.  Many of  the illegal immigrants that  have come to the United States have turned around and headed back to Mexico.  Yes, there are drug cartels killing citizens, police officers and government officials, but there are jobs there and Americans are willing to take the risk.

“I’m not worried about the drug dealers, I need a job.  I need to take care of my family,” said Steven Rivera of El Paso, Texas.   Rivera’s family will remain  in El Paso, while Steven works in at a Tequila Farm in Baja.  ”I’ll only be making about $3,000 a month, but the cost of living is low.  I’ll be sending most of the money back to my family.”

Mexican Border Patrol has seen a spike in Americans running across the border into Mexico – looking for work.

But the MBP has  different approach to illegal immigration.  ”If we see anybody running across the border, we will kill them on the spot.  We will use as many bullets as it takes to make sure the illegal is no longer a threat to Mexico.”

Still, Americans are running across the border in record number, with only backpacks and bottles of water.  ”Many are making through the desert of Mexico and getting to Mexico City, but many, unfortunately, are not making it,” said White House head Mexican-American relations, Jill Bonderas, says that the Obama Administration is doing all it can to keep illegal immigrants safe in our country and “we hope the Mexicans are keeping the Americans who cross the border safe as well.”

Thousands of Americans are seen standing outside Hardware Y Siseno (the equivalent of Home Depot), hoping to be picked up for day labor jobs.

“Hopefully,  if America can create jobs again, and Americans won’t have to leave to find jobs in Mexico, but the trend seems to be increasing,” said Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis.  ”But, in the meantime, we are sure they will have a good time in Mexico.  It’s so beautiful down there”

MEXICO CITY –  There’s only 51 weeks before Dec. 21, 2012, the day the Maya say the world will end!

Southeastern Mexico, the heart of Maya territory, plans a yearlong celebration – preparing for the end of the world in December, 2012

Mexico’s tourism agency expects to draw 920 million visitors by next year only to the regions of Chiapas, Yucatan, Quintana Roo, Tabasco and Campeche.  All of Mexico usually lures about 21 million foreigners in a year.   Mexican officials believe there will be over 500 million people in Mexico when the world ends.

The Winter Solstice in the coming year, as a time of renewal. Many archeologists believe that the 2012 reference on a 1,300-year-old stone tablet only marks the end of a cycle in the Mayan calendar.  But Mayan scholars agree that the archeologists are wrong, “the world will end,” said Jimmy Rivera of Harvard University.

“The world will end,” said Ysidri Zabeda, a tourism spokeswoman for the Caribbean state of Quintana Roo, home to Cancun. “For us, it is a message of hope.  There will be a new world, a better world.”

Cities and towns in the Mayan region on Wednesday will start the yearlong countdown. In Chiapas the town of Tapachula on the Guatemalan border will start a countdown on an 8-foot digital clock in the main park exactly a year before the mysterious date.

In the nearby archaeological site of Izapa, Maya priests will burn incense, chant and offer prayers.

In the tropical jungle of Quintana Roo, between the resorts of Cancun and Playa del Carmen, people are putting messages and photos in a time capsule that will be buried for 50 years. Maya priests and Indian dancers will perform a ritual at the time capsule ceremony.

Yucatan state has announced plans to complete the Maya Museum of Merida by next summer.

“People who still live in Mayan villages will host rites and burn incense for us to go back in time and try to understand the Mayan wisdom,”  Zabeda said.

The Maya reputation for wisdom has people taking the alleged prediction seriously.

The Mayan civilization, which reached its height from 300 A.D. to 900 A.D., had a talent for astronomy

Its Long Count calendar begins in 3,114 B.C., marking time in roughly 394-year periods known as Baktuns. Thirteen was a significant, sacred number for the Mayas, and they wrote that the 13th Baktun ends on Dec. 21, 2012.

The doomsday theories stem from a stone tablet discovered in the 1960s at the archaeological site of Tortuguero in the Gulf of Mexico state of Tabasco that describes the return of a Mayan god at the end of a 13th period.

Believers have taken the end-of-the world fears to the Internet with hundreds of thousands of websites and blogs.

“The Maya are viewed by many westerners as exotic folks that were supposed to have had some special, secret knowledge,” said Mayan scholar Sven Gronemeyer. “What happens is that our expectations and fears get projected on the Maya calendar.”

Gronemeyer of La Trobe University in Australia compares the supposed Mayan prophecies to the “Y2K” hype, when people feared all computer systems would crash when the new millennium began on Jan. 1, 2000.

The blogosphere exploded when Mexico’s archaeology institute acknowledged on Nov. 24 a second reference to Dec. 21, 2012, on a brick found at other ruins.

Jackie Chinell of Albuquerque, New Mexico, says that 2012 “is going to be ‘a trip’”.  Channell, who owns Maya Sites Travel Services, is surprised that she already has 1,250 reservations for three tour packages she is offering to major Mayan ruin sites in the week leading up to the solstice.

She named one “Last Days on Earth.”

“We put together these tours, and we’ve got lots of signups, and people are excited about it,” she said. “Our tourists will go out with a big bang.”

10,000 Mexican “undead”  walked through the streets of Mexico City looking for brains to eat.

At first they thought it was just Mexicans trying to have some fun, trying to break the Guinness World Record for the largest zombie gathering, but then something odd happened – REAL zombies showed up.

Last year, a group in Brisbane, Australia, set the record fot the most zombies at one gathering:  8,000.

So, Mexicans thought they could beat it.  9,000 Mexicans showed up dressed as Zombies, but were soon attacked by over 2,000 REAL zombies, that killed over 355 of the costumed zombies.

“That is the danger of such dress-up games,” said Mexico City Police Chief, Diego Marquez.  ”Zombies are real and when the people dress up, it just aggravates the real zombies and we have the tragedy that unfold last weekend.  It is a very sad day for Mexico.”

Most of the people attacked were young men and women.   Typically a victim would be surrounded by four or five REAL zombies and then they would snap the neck of the victim and then eat the victim’s brains.  Two hours later the victim would join the other zombies and attack more people.

“It is not a game.  We have many zombies in Mexico City and we’ve done our best to contain them.  But now… it is out of control,” said Marquez.

Some cultural observers believe the phenomenon could be linked to the ongoing global economic crisis, or is perhaps a reaction to consumerist ideals.

Drug gangs also took advantage of the “Day of the Dead”  and went on shooting rampages throughout Mexico City.

MEXICO -  An extremely rare cyclops shark was recently discovered.

The 22-inch-long fetus has a single, functioning eye at the front of its head—the hallmark of a congenital condition called cyclopia, which occurs in several animal species, including humans.

Earlier this year fisher Enrique Lucero León legally caught a pregnant dusky shark near Cerralvo Island (see map)in the Gulf of California. When León cut open his catch, he found the odd-looking male embryo along with its nine normal siblings. “He said, That’s incredible—wow,” said biologist Felipe Galván-Magaña, of the Interdisciplinary Center of Marine Sciences in La Paz, Mexico.

Once Galván-Magaña and colleague Marcela Bejarano-Álvarez heard about the discovery—which was put on Facebook—the team got León’s permission to borrow the shark for research. The scientists then x-rayed the fetus and reviewed previous research on cyclopia in other species to confirm that the find is indeed a cyclops shark.

Cyclops sharks have been documented by scientists a few times before, also as embryos, said Jim Gelsleichter, a shark biologist at the University of North Florida in Jacksonville. The fact that none have been caught outside the womb suggests cyclops sharks don’t survive long in the wild.

Overall, finding such an unusual animal reinforces that scientists still have a lot to learn, Gelsleichter added.

“It’s a humbling experience to realize you ain’t seen it all yet.”

Christine Dell’Amore
National Geographic

MONTERREY -  A vampire woman is on the loose in Mexico.

Maria Jose Cristerna’s striking appearance may generate gasps, but the 35-year-old tattoo artist reportedly says a horrific history of domestic violence triggered her decision to re-invent herself as a “vampire.”

Cristerna recently showed off a new set of titanium “horn” implants — along with dental “fangs” and multiple facial piercings — at a Monterrey tattoo exhibition, but insists she lives a normal life. “The horns I have are a symbol of strength and were implanted without anaesthetic,” the Catholic-raised mother-of-four tells the Sun proudly.

“I had the fangs done because I loved vampires as a little girl and I changed the colour of my eyes so they were how I really wanted them to be.’

Cristerna’s transformation is still not complete: she says she wants to have more titanium horns implanted in the back of her head. “Tattooing is my way of being immortal, of really being a vampire and not dying — leaving my work on other people’s skin.”

Watch video of Mexico’s “Vampire Woman” (in Spanish) here:

ACAPULCO, Mexico – Millions of anchovies are washing ashore in Mexico!

Masses of anchovies – with bunches of  stripped bass and mackerel – washed ashore in this Mexican resort city.  They were packed so tightly near the surface they looked like an oil slick from above.

Thrilled fishermen rushed out in wooden motor boats, abandoning their rods and nets and simply scooping the fish up with buckets.

“It was so much fun. There were about 20 or 30 fishermen and there were people who came with their kids to take advantage of it,” fisherman Carlos Morales said.

The fishermen attributed the strange phenomenon to the unusual currents unleashed bytsunami that followed the earthquake in Japan.

“Who knows?” said Rich Briggs, a geologist with the U.S. Geological Survey. “Tsunamis can change local currents, but it’s hard to make a firm connection.”Experts couldn’t be sure.  But John Malley, the expert on the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials flew to Acapulco to determine if the death of the anchovies was caused by aliens from Planet Zeeba.

“All the dead anchovies, had The Mark of the Alien,”  Malley told WWN.  “These anchovies were definitely killed by aliens from Planet Zeeba. This is all part of the ongoing alien invasion.”

Dominoes has once again volunteered to scoop up the anchovies and put them on their pizzas.  Asked whether they thought that their customers may not like the fact that the anchovies have alien DNA, a spokesman for Dominoes said, “there’s been no proof that eating alien DNA causes harm.  Besides, there’s all sorts of other DNA in our pizzas, so a little extra DNA can’t hurt.”

If you want to see a big pile of anchovies… rush on down to Acapulco for Spring Break.

Anchovies up!!

WASHINGTON – U.S. to develop giant reflective cones to keep the sun up 24/7.

In the last few decades much debate has been given to the notion as to whether or not the ritual of Daylight Savings Time has any value to our contemporary culture.

The act of turning ones clock back an hour was developed during revolutionary times in the U.S. in order to increase the amount of usable sunlight for outdoor work.

Modern day advocates feel that the turning back of time aids in energy consumption and that the extra hour of sun puts a smile on everyone’s face. According to the U.S. Federal Government, daylight savings time is a win, win for everyone.

Rep. Edward J. Markey, Member of the House Natural Resources Committee, said, “We can’t put a price on the happiness an extra hour of sunshine can bring, but we can count the savings. Government analysis has proven that extra sunshine provides more than just smiles.

Daylight Saving Time saves consumers money and also curbs the nation’s energy consumption, which means lower energy bills, less pollution and more reasons to enjoy the outdoors”

And Rep. Fred Upton, Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, said, “Between energy conservation, lower bills and fewer traffic accidents, the benefits of extending Daylight Saving Time are many – not to mention the additional hour of sunshine in the evening will help chase away the winter blues.”

But with energy costs continue to rise there has been talk of a way to better utilize the concept of Daylight Savings Time. As a result, the U.S. has begun to develop a plan to launch enormous reflective cones into outer space in order to capture the rays of the sun and reflect them back to the country 24hrs a day in a measure that is being called “It’s Always Sunny in America”.

Markey and Upton who are co-chairing the committee for “It’s Always Sunny in America” have determined that the program could result in total electrical savings of 18.4 tera Watt-hour. This savings represents the reduction of oil usage by 36.4 million barrels and electricity saving in excess of $1 billion.

Both Mexico and Canada are voicing concerns about how this project could affect their cultures. Mexico has voiced concerns about maintaining their tradition of the siesta, an afternoon nap. While Canada is just more concerned about getting a good nights sleep.

LOS ANGELES, CA – a disgruntled cock fighter goes on a killing rampage.

Randy “Ruthless” Rooster is a long time contender in the sport of cock fighting. He has fought in over 125 matches, an unheard of number of battles in a sport where most only last a dozen bouts before they reach their bloody end. But recently after a long day of fighting cocks in southern California, something finally snapped in the veteran fighter sending him into a blood filled homicidal rampage.

His first victim was nearby spectator, Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, a regular to the matches who had come to the fights that day in hopes of winning big in the betting pool. Ochoa received one quick slash to his Achilles tendon, swiftly bringing him to the ground. After laying out Ochoa, Ruthless quickly went for the jugular, sealing Ochoa’s fate in a matter of seconds.

Evading capture after the gruesome murder, Ruthless continued on his violent killing spree heading south for Mexico, all along the way taking the lives of a local librarian, a school crossing guard, and a Taco Bell employee.

The National Guard was summoned to stop the ferocious fowl but in every attempt Ruthless was able to avoid capture. Not knowing what else to do, the National Guard had no other choice but to contact Interpol to get Superchicken to save the day.

Ruthless was finally apprehended by Superchicken in Los Angeles while Ruthless was attempting to attack a bus of tourists taking the famous Star Line Tours – Movie Stars’ Homes Tour. The attack took place just outside of, beef cake and former comedian, Carrot Top’s previous home where the funny looking guy was finishing packing up his things before completing his move to Canada. Lucky for Superhicken, Carrot Top was in the area as he played a key role in the capture of Ruthless.

“It was like something out of COPS except with a bunch of chickens,” said Herman Sanchez, a gardener who witnessed the capture, “like outta nowhere I see these two birds getting into it. Then in the blink of an eye, I see Carrot Top with his hands around the neck of one of the birds. That Carrot Top, he really knows how to choke the chicken.”

While being taken into custody by the LAPD, Ruthless was heard saying “bawk bawk, bawk, cock a doodle doo.” Super chicken was kind enough to translate this for us. “I had enough of the fighting. I simply couldn’t take it any more; I just cracked, like an egg.” As he was taken into the station a single tear was spotted rolling down Ruthless’s beak.

LORETO, Mexico — A pack of giant squid capsized a fishing boat in the Sea of Cortés yesterday, killing seven fishermen.

The band of sea creatures attacked the boat as it was returning to shore, creating a gruesome spectacle for late afternoon beach-goers.

“I saw four or five bodies wash up on the shore.  They were totally black and blue all over. They looked like they had been attacked by monster suction cups,” reported Timmy Irwin, a surfer visiting from San Francisco.

Witnesses say the lone survivor was barely recognizable after being dragged from the boat and chewed by several of the giant squid.

Marine biologists rushed to the scene hoping to catch at least one of the squid. Dr. Luis Santiago of the Universidad Autónoma Baja California Sur explained, “We captured one of the attackers. She is female and we believe most of the pack to be female because of their size. We also believe they coordinated the attack by using pigment cells to communicate, which is very typical in a situation like this. I’m afraid we may be seeing more of these attacks in the coming years, and possibly forever.

“Beaches in the area are closed indefinitely, and fishing boats are banned from heading out to sea until authorities can determine a squid-free safety zone.

Locals, who refer to the giant squid as “diablos rojos” – red devils, report that the legendary sea creatures have become more aggressive over the last few years. Marine biologists fear that the trend will continue because of the diminishing number of fish in their tropical hunting waters.

Many legends surround the giant squid because of their size and their gang mentality. They have eight arms and two tentacles, all covered in suction cups lined with small teeth. They also have three hearts and eyes the size of soccer balls. They hunt in groups of at least 1,000.

The giant squid can grow up to 40 feet long and 500 pounds, making them very difficult to combat. They survive so deep underwater that no light penetrates whatsoever. The pressure at that extreme level would crush any elephant or large land animal.

TUSCON, AZ- Mexican drug cartels must resort to primitive tactics to get drugs across the US border.

Drug dealers have used underground tunnels, human mules, and even the corpses of dead animals as methods to transport drugs into the United States but few seem to get past the ever elusive DEA. Now, the Mexican drug cartels are at their wit’s end.

With all the previous tactics proving to be useless, the drug dealers have decided to take a more primitive approach to drug smuggling. They are now using catapults to lob large sacks of marijuana and cocaine over the International Border fence.

Through a closed circuit surveillance system, National Guard troops working at the Nacho Naco Border Patrol Station have recently observed several people in ponchos and sombreros attempting to lob medium to large size bundles over the wall by way of catapult.

“Prior to the construction and attempted use of the catapult, we’ve observed them trying to throw the bundles, basketball style, over the wall. This is rather amusing as the wall is over 21 feet tall and 6 feet thick,” said Lieutenant Peters, “The best part is when they try to do layups. They almost always do face plants directly against the wall when they try this. It has been really entertaining to watch.”

Lieutenant Peters continued by explaining that these dopey drug dealers have been at it for months now and have been unsuccessful with all of their attempts to clear the wall. Some privates at the Naco Station have even taken to making microwave popcorn and watching the comedy fest during their breaks.

“This is one of the best reality shows out there right now. The only thing better is The Jersey Shore,” said Private Benjamin, “I’m really rooting for them with the catapult idea. I hope they make it this time. Granted if they do, we’ll have to detain them but still you gotta root for ‘em.”

Upon hearing about the closed circuit footage, Fox has decided to quickly put together a reality TV show about the group of Mexicans who have been attempting to launch the drugs over the fence. With the US government in desperate need of income to bring down the national debt, Fox has been able to acquire the past three months of footage for “an awesome price”. Fox plans to air the show by the summer of 2011.

It has been rumored that Fox will hire Carrot Top to host the show pending his release by the Canadian government as he is now officially owned by Canada.

Read how this happened here.

“We really love that we now own Carrot Top,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, “he is now regarded as a national treasure. Our people can really relate to his pasty white skin and the women love is muscular physique. It is going to take a lot for us to let him out of our grasp.”