Move over Buster Simcus (if you can), a Brit  is now the world’s fattest man!

Keith Martin, 42, tips the scales at  822 pounds, and is so large that he is bed-ridden.

His needs are putting an extra drain on the British NHS resources and costing the taxpayer thousands of dollars as he requires an army of 18 medical professionals to look after him, including ambulance staff, carers and nurses.

Eight ambulance workers must be on hand to help hoist his giant frame to a reinforced vehicle for frequent hospital visits close to his home in Harlesden, North-West London.

Trips for health checks are the only occasions in the past ten years on which he has left his bed. He also requires four carers to visit him twice a day and four nurses three times a week to wash him and monitor his health as his staggering weight is putting massive strain on his heart and other internal organs.

Medics say he would need to shed half his bulk before he could even be considered for a gastric band to aid his weight loss.

Mr. Martin took the crown of heaviest man on the planet after the previous title-holder –  1,260 pounds Mexican – went on a crash diet. Manuel Uribe, 44, is still listed as the heaviest man in the Guinness Book of Records but is believed to have shrunk to a relatively svelte  430 punds.  Mr Martin has also overtaken another former world’s heaviest man, fellow Brit Paul Mason.

Mr Mason, a 51-year-old former postman from Ipswich, slimmed down from 980 pounds to 550 pounds after being warned he was dangerously close to death.

At the height of his binge-eating, Mr Mason would consume in excess of 20,000 calories per day and would be wheeled to local takeaways daily by his carers.

By 2002, he was so big that a 5ft window at his former home had to be removed and a forklift truck brought in to lift him when he needed to go to hospital for a hernia operation.

MARYLAND -  Workers at a hospital captured a live chupacabra!

A bizarre beast said to combine the characteristics of a kangaroo, dog, rat and deer was captured last week by workers at Prince George’s Hospital Center in Maryland near the nation’s capital.

Technicians on a smoke break wandered near a wooded area and found the strange, nearly hairless animal. The workers took cellphone videos of the beast, and eventually lured it into a cage with Chinese food as bait. Local news reporters interviewed the hospital workers, who offered a variety of opinions about the beast’s identity.

“It’s a kangaroo, dog, rat mixed,” X-ray technician Joe Livermore told WWN. “It’s got a rat tail and a head like a deer. I don’t know what it is.”

The shy animal was dubbed “Prince Chupa” after the mysterious vampire chupcabra and already some are wondering if the bloodsucker has finally been captured alive.

The chupacabra dates back to 1995, when an eyewitness sighted the monster in Puerto Rico. In my book, “Tracking the Chupacabra,” I provide evidence showing that the original chupacabra report described a monster in science-fiction film, and most likely no beast ever existed. Since then, no hard evidence of the chupacabra has emerged, and the myth has been kept alive by occasional reports of animals identical to Prince Chupa.

Many veterinarians and other animal experts are hesitant to offer opinions about mysterious creatures because it can be difficult to identify an animal from just a photo or video. Many animals, especially in the Canidae family (which includes dogs, coyotes, foxes, and wolves), can look very similar, and the exact species may only be distinguished by personally examining details such as skull shape, tail length and so on (or DNA analysis).

But, after careful analysis, authorities in Maryland have confirmed:  it IS a chupacabra.

Here’s the general news report:

TUSCON, AZ- Mexican drug cartels must resort to primitive tactics to get drugs across the US border.

Drug dealers have used underground tunnels, human mules, and even the corpses of dead animals as methods to transport drugs into the United States but few seem to get past the ever elusive DEA. Now, the Mexican drug cartels are at their wit’s end.

With all the previous tactics proving to be useless, the drug dealers have decided to take a more primitive approach to drug smuggling. They are now using catapults to lob large sacks of marijuana and cocaine over the International Border fence.

Through a closed circuit surveillance system, National Guard troops working at the Nacho Naco Border Patrol Station have recently observed several people in ponchos and sombreros attempting to lob medium to large size bundles over the wall by way of catapult.

“Prior to the construction and attempted use of the catapult, we’ve observed them trying to throw the bundles, basketball style, over the wall. This is rather amusing as the wall is over 21 feet tall and 6 feet thick,” said Lieutenant Peters, “The best part is when they try to do layups. They almost always do face plants directly against the wall when they try this. It has been really entertaining to watch.”

Lieutenant Peters continued by explaining that these dopey drug dealers have been at it for months now and have been unsuccessful with all of their attempts to clear the wall. Some privates at the Naco Station have even taken to making microwave popcorn and watching the comedy fest during their breaks.

“This is one of the best reality shows out there right now. The only thing better is The Jersey Shore,” said Private Benjamin, “I’m really rooting for them with the catapult idea. I hope they make it this time. Granted if they do, we’ll have to detain them but still you gotta root for ‘em.”

Upon hearing about the closed circuit footage, Fox has decided to quickly put together a reality TV show about the group of Mexicans who have been attempting to launch the drugs over the fence. With the US government in desperate need of income to bring down the national debt, Fox has been able to acquire the past three months of footage for “an awesome price”. Fox plans to air the show by the summer of 2011.

It has been rumored that Fox will hire Carrot Top to host the show pending his release by the Canadian government as he is now officially owned by Canada.

Read how this happened here.

“We really love that we now own Carrot Top,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, “he is now regarded as a national treasure. Our people can really relate to his pasty white skin and the women love is muscular physique. It is going to take a lot for us to let him out of our grasp.”

ARIZONA -  Mexican restaurants are now serving up lion tacos to their customers – and it’s causing an uproar!

Mexican restaurants started Exotic Taco Wednesdays all across Arizona.  They served up python, alligator, elk, kangaroo, rattlesnake and reindeer.

Frog legs, turtle, duck and Rocky Mountain oysters have also made appearances.

“We’ve done just about anything we can get our hands on,” said owner of Boca Tacos y Tequila, Bryan Mazon. “Every Wednesday we do something a little bit different.”

Boca Tacos announced on its Facebook page that the taco shop was accepting prepaid orders for African lion, to be served on Feb. 16. Orders must be placed by 3 p.m. Feb. 7.

“I’ve gotten a lot of questions, like if it’s legal,” said Mazon, adding that a few lion tacos have been reserved so far. “We’re still a month out.”

According to the Food and Drug Administration, lion and other game meat can be sold as long as the species isn’t endangered.

Bingo!  The pre-orders for Lion Tacos has been through the roof!  Mexican restaurants across the state don’t want to lose their business to Boca – so they are getting in on the big cat action.  ALL Mexican restaurants across Arizona will be serving up Lion Tacos on Feb. 16th.

“I’m doing the African lion to get my name out,” said Mazon, who used to be a salesman for City Meat and Provisions. “I’ve never tried it myself, but this one really caught my eye.”

Most of Boca’s exotic tacos range between $3 and $4. The lion tacos cost $8.75 apiece.  But Del Taco and Chipotle will be offering up “prime lion tacos” for $6-$7.   McDonald’s is even trying to get in on the action.  “We’re going to offer a Lion Taco Happy Meal.  Kids will get to eat two lion tacos and get a free copy of the Lion King with their meal.  It’s a great promotion for us,” said Wendy Carilton of McDonalds.

Lion Meat costs about $100 a pound of ground lion meat – $400 for a pound of tenderloin lion meat.  So there’s a lot of profit to be made from lion meat.

The State of Arizona is taking their share of lion meat.  They are taxing the Lion Tacos and have provided the Mexican restaurants with some lion hunters from the University of Arizona to help shoot and kill the African lions.  “We want to make sure that the we kill the best lions in Africa and get them back here safely and quickly so our citizens can eat top grade lion tacos, ” said Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.

Go to Arizona on Feb. 16th and get some… Lion Tacos!!

KEY LARGO, FL – Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”

During a rally for the Republican presidential candidate, proceedings were halted by a sudden commotion at the back of the open air venue.  A young Latino man was flailing hysterically at what appeared to be a small alligator biting his pants, while screaming “I told you man, I’m Puerto Rican!”

After being shaken loose, the creature yelled back, “Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs!” He then went on to make lurid passes at several of the campaign’s interns. The small cryptid slurred much of his speech and witnesses say he smelled of cheap whiskey.

Police and wildlife officers arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to apprehend the manigator. However, he avoided capture for thirty minutes while shouting expletives about being denied free speech.  Eventually he was able to slip under a fence and make a run back to the swamp.

Police tracked Manigator through the swamp for hours, following a trail of menthol cigarette packs and frequent yells of “Get ‘er Done!”

The human-reptile hybrid is still at large.