MEMPHIS – Federal agents raided guitar factories around the country today. They plan to seize all acoustic guitars.

Federal agents swooped in on Gibson Guitar, raiding factories and offices in Memphis and Nashville, seizing several pallets of wood, electronic files and guitars.

The Feds are saying that acoustic guitar makers are illegally harvesting hardwoods from protected forests, such as the Madagascar ebony that makes for such lovely fretboards.

The Feds aren’t commenting on the raid.  But a source inside the Obama Administration told WWN, that the EPA has decided that most acoustic guitars use “endangered wood” and the EPA intends to put an end to “the raping of the environment for the sake of ‘cafe house’ guitarists.”

Gibson’s chairman and CEO, Henry Juszkiewicz, defended his company’s manufacturing policies, accusing the Justice Department of bullying the company. “The wood the government seized Wednesday is from a Forest Stewardship Council certified supplier.”

The Feds don’t care what Gibson says – acoustic guitars are destroying the environment. The Feds are going to raid Taylor, Martin and Collings guitars and all Guitar Centers around the country in the next few days.

“Many acoustic guitars are using wood that was illegally obtained.  It takes ‘good wood’ to make great sounding acoustic guitars.  And they are raping the environment for musical purposes,” said one EPA agent.

The government is insisting that all acoustic guitars be made from carbon fiber from now on.

It isn’t the first time that agents of the Fish and Wildlife Service have come knocking at the storied maker of such iconic instruments as the Les Paul electric guitar, the J-160E acoustic-electric John Lennon played, and essential jazz-boxes such as Charlie Christian’s ES-150. In 2009 the Feds seized several guitars and pallets of wood from a Gibson factory, and both sides have been wrangling over the goods in a case with the delightful name “United States of America v. Ebony Wood in Various Forms.”

So… hide your acoustic guitar.  They’re coming for it!!…

MEMPHIS, TN – Ending the year on a high note, PhD Ape has announced he will meet with the man who distributed a racist song to RNC members.

Former Tennessee GOP Chairman Chip Saltsman, who is now running for Chairman of the RNC, distributed a mix CD of joke songs to RNC members whose votes he is courting. The track “Barack the Magic Negro” has put Saltsman into the national spotlight.

“Some people are calling him a racist,” PhD Ape said in a brief statement upon departing his charter flight in Memphis. “But I don’t believe that’s the case. He has a keen sense of humor and knows how to use seemingly controversial rhetoric to encourage a dialogue. Which is exactly what we’re doing now.”

“How can anyone call the Republican Party racist? There are four Latinos in the Party, at least one Asian American, and some African Americans. And only one member of the Palm Beach County Republican Executive Committee is in the KKK. Those are good numbers.”

Although Democrats have united in condemning Saltsman, members of the GOP are split between denouncing of the song and support for a longtime party member.

PhD Ape concluded his statement saying, “Like Mike Huckabee said, I believe that Chip would never intentionally disparage anyone. This is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Many in the GOP believe that the song was playful and not hurtful because the election of Barack Obama has brought an end to racism.”