WASHINGTON – Steve Jobs teams up with Senator John McCain to deal with iPhone-addicted Americans.

In the wake of last week’s nomination of WikiLeaks–the embattled champion of transparency in government and the free flow of information–for a Nobel Peace Prize, a number of enlightening high-level communications between Apple’s Steve Jobs and senior United States Senator John McCain have been released.

In the emails, which were exchanged just after Meghan McCain’s ‘Pajama-Gate’ played out on Twitter in the fall of 2009, Jobs and the Senator discuss the ‘planned obsolescence of our nation’s phone-addicted population.’

The plan–code name ‘iBlow’–is already in process and involves the insertion of a tiny, neurologically-calibrated entabulator chip into all iPhones, iTouches and music-playing iPhone clones, regardless of carrier. This chip will be triggered via satellite link from a remote location by Steve Jobs on Friday, February 14th,, 2011.

The ensuing electric charge will freeze the neural activity of anyone plugged into an audio stream, phone call or podcast via ear buds at the moment of activation.

Wrote McCain to Jobs in one of their many exchanges, ‘I tell you, Steve, I’m just tired of seeing all these kids walking around, plugged into these ridiculous mobile music devices, totally f*cking oblivious…These hipster doofuses couldn’t handle six days of torture, let alone six years!!’ McCain went on to indict Steve Jobs, Microsoft’s Bill Gates, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and Starbucks for creating the maelstrom of technological gadgetry that, he says, has led to the decline and fall of the American intellect.

What is most surprising about the leaked communiqués is that Jobs himself seems to agree with McCain.

‘I hear you, man. I remember writing code on an MSDOS machine when I was still in training pants. Kids out of college nowadays can’t even spell ‘code’ without spellcheck.’

Jobs’ leave of absence from the helm of Apple also appears not to be due not to ill health, as has been generally reported, but was a critical step in the execution Operation iBlow. The emails indicate that Jobs will use the next week to move essential personal data from his iPhone onto his PC.

The clean-up phase of iBlow includes the collection and disposal of the neurally frozen citizens by sanitation workers around the country, who will then use the recycled organic material as fertilizer in the aerial reforestation of the National Parks.

Giles Jarmunk, current Director of the National Park Service, approves of the idea. ‘I really think we will be able to reverse the whole greenhouse effect here. We’ll be tending to our national forests and reducing, reusing and recycling a giant chunk of useless people. It’s genius, really.’

WASHINGTON  -  Meghan McCain announced on ABC’s “This Week” that she is a witch.

PHOENIX, AZ – There is trouble in Arizona as daddy’s little girl does not agree with the new immigration law!

The new Arizona Immigration Law, backed by Republican Senator John McCain, has been met with a lot of criticism. The law allows officers to request immigration documents from individuals whom they deem “suspicious.” Some of the criticism against it is that it will open the door for racial profiling. Meghan McCain, daughter of the senator, has come out and taken a different stance than her father.

Meghan joined the masses that disagree with the law and has called it “seriously flawed.” She also went so far as to say that the new legislation gives officers “a license to pull someone over for being Hispanic.”

“I believe it gives the state police a license to discriminate, and also, in many ways, violate the civil rights of Arizona residents,” Meghan wrote in her column, “Hate the Law, Not Arizonans,” published at The Daily Beast. “Simply put, I think it is a bad law that is missing the bigger picture of what is really going on with illegal immigration.”

Her father, however, shares a different opinion. He has gone ahead and said that the new law is a “good tool” for law enforcement. Despite the criticisms toward the law and whether it can stand up to legal scrutiny, the senator said that lawmakers “acted out of frustration because the federal government didn’t do its job.”

CHARLESTON, WV – Meghan McCain has come under fire for releasing racy photos of herself on Twitter.  Bat Boy has vowed revenge on her detractors.

Since posting a picture of herself in a low cut tank top, Meghan McCain has been the center of much unwanted attention.  Her Twitter account has been barraged by people who criticized the suggestive nature of the photo and her for posting it.  McCain has since recoiled, and threatened to delete her Twitter account all together.

Bat Boy has vowed to go after McCain’s critics, so long as she keeps her Twitter account open.  America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy, has had a crush on Ms. McCain since she first entered the national spotlight.  Now with her honor in question he will rise up to defend his beloved.

According to sources, Bat Boy has been creating new Twitter accounts and email addresses to harrass anyone who has made negative comments about her.  For the past several days he has been at his local West Virginia public library, where he goes to use a computer, from opening to close.

Twitter users who criticized McCain have reported a series of scathing comments left on their pages.  Bloggers and news agencies have received dozens of hot tempered emails from accounts named “Random_Person” or “Gnat-Boy” or “Daniel-San.”  Research into library records shows Bat Boy has rented “The Karate Kid part II” and “The Princess Bride” 312 times total.

Meghan McCain has yet to comment on Bat Boy’s involvement, or whether she’ll maintain her Twitter account.  The constant flow of Twitter updates is what Bat Boy has used to feel close to his longtime crush, and without it he may become a lovesick mutant boy.  If that is the case, our hearts go out to you Bat Boy.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Hill was shocked as Pennsylvania’s senior Senator, Republican Arlen Specter, announced he was switching parties – because of the babes!

With rumors mounting for weeks about a likely showdown in the Republican Primary, Specter has in recent weeks made moves to seemingly  reestablish his place as a traditional Republican politician.  His rejection of the Employee Free Choice Act is the most recent example.

Specter, along with the other moderate Republican Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, have found themselves very popular thus far in the Obama Presidency, as their votes are frequently courted to break fillibuster threats over populist and progressive legislation such as the 2009 Bail Out.

However, Specter’s recent and frequent siding with the Democratic majority was surprisingly not his primary reason for abandoning the party he has been a part of for nearly three decades.

“I love the Republican Party and what it stands for,” Specter told reporters during a news conference Wednesday.  “However, the Republican Party we see today is not the same Party I joined when I first ran for Congress in 1980.  The face has changed and so have the ideals.”

“I mean, c’mon, seriously, where are the babes?  What kind of Party have we become when Bachmann is considered our top tier?”

Specter was referring to Minnesota Representative and supposed “hottie to the max” Michelle Bachmann, who gained notoriety just before the 2008 Election for inflammatory rhetoric on the campaign trail.

“You can’t tell me that’s the best we can do.  She looks like the Nanny.  Worse, she sounds like her,” Specter continued. “I’ll take a cool, laid back babe like Sebelius over a dolled-up trollop like Palin any day.”

Specter’s about-face and critique of the Party did not go over well with many of his former colleagues. Republican demagogue and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, was quick to criticize the move.

“Who does this guy think he is?” Limbaugh bellowed on his daily radio show program shortly after the announcement.  “Who is he to say that the Republican Party doesn’t know how to attract babes?  Have you seen Cindy McCain?  Have you seen Sarah Palin? These broads are stone cold foxes.”

“What does the Democratic Party have?  Hillary Clinton?  Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  Just the thought of those women makes me think I’ll never pitch a tent again, if you know what I mean.”

“You know what?!  I say good riddance!  Take Meghan McCain with you.  She’d fit right in and we don’t want her!”

But not all of Specter’s former Republican Colleagues were so immediate in their dismissal. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe showed her usual middle of the road Independence and restraint. “When I heard the news, it was not easy to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions,” Snowe responded.

“How could I not take this decision personally?  Arlen and I have been friends and colleagues for over twenty years.  I know we’re not as young as we used to be, but I certainly think I’m still pretty good looking.”

When reached for comment, Senator Specter said, “Oh I never meant for Olympia to take this decision personally.  I certainly was not including her in my early comments or during my personal deliberations.  Olympia is a babe, for sure.  She is the definition of Cougar.”

“I know that many high ranking Democrats have reached out to her hoping she would consider switching Parties.  Let me say clearly and on the record: Olympia, babe, you would fit right in!”

CARTER COUNTY, KY – Bat Boy was spotted joining in on a bat swarm in an effort to meet girls.

There comes a time in every little bat boy’s life when girls stop being gross and start being intriguing. After being turned down by his first love Meghan McCain, it appears that Bat Boy is on a mission to understand the opposite sex.

He recently visited the Bat Cave State Nature Preserve in Kentucky to join in on a bat swarm, a type of mating ritual for bats. But his efforts were to no avail; Bat Boy was left standing on the ground, flowers in hand, as the bats swooped and chirped far out of his reach. He was of no interest to these ladies of the night.

After being rejected by both human and bat females, will Bat Boy ever find The One?

PHOENIX, AZ – At age 13, the mysterious Bat Boy’s hormones are apparently kicking in — he’s developed a crush on Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan!

Ms. McCain’s security team say the half-human, half-bat mutant has made repeated attempts to see the young beauty — and whined “like a sad dog” when he was shooed away!

These Secret Service agents believe Bat Boy — who has bitten and attacked people in the past – to be a potential threat and don’t want the bizarre, pointy-eared youth anywhere near Meghan.

“We are taking this matter very, very seriously,” said a Secret Service source who insisted upon anonymity. “This may sound like an innocent case of ‘puppy love,’ but we are concerned that we may have a stalker on our hands.”

Dr. Ron Dillon, the scientist who originally discovered Bat Boy, strongly believes that the agents are blowing this out of proportion. “Bat Boy is absolutely not a stalker, he wouldn’t harm a hair on Meghan McCain’s head.

“He is clearly in love for the first time in his life and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Don’t you remember how that felt? Now imagine that AND being a half-bat mutant. Puberty is Bat Boy’s biggest challenge yet.”

The bat-like creature has continued to elude the authorities. Law enforcement officials were stunned when he snuck in to a recent book signing for “My Dad, John McCain” and tried to talk to Meghan.

“Apparently, he saw her chatting with Jay Leno on TV and became fixated on her,” said the Secret Service source. “We believe he has tracked her cross-country on her campaign trail, using his superior hearing and sense of smell.”

Agents say the pint-size creature has tried to see Meghan at least three times, most recently when he showed up beneath her hotel window with guitar in hand and screeched what may have been Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”.

Given his shaky grasp on English, it did not go over well.