ELECTION 2010 – Big loser:  marijuana remains  illegal in California.  Big winner: the McRib is back!

WWN once again led the country in election coverage.   Our reporters watched all the cable channels last night – at the same time.  We reported to each other what we saw on the TV.    We had up-to-the-second reports about what the pundits were saying.

Our analysts determined that the biggest winner of last night’s election was:  pot.  Proposition 19 went up in flames last night in California as the ballot initiative was not passed.  Marijuana will remain illegal in California.  Many stoners who supported the measure (and support being stoned) were upset – though it was hard to tell they were upset because they looked so numbed out.

Here’s a group of dejected stoners who fought hard for marijuana:

They worked the phones up until the last minute.  WWN analysts concluded that the problem was that most of the people managing the cannabis phonebanks were stoned.  “Instead of making 20-30 calls an hour, most of our pot phonebank callers only managed 2-3 calls an hour and they usually spent a few minutes talking about the double-rainbow,” said pot supporter, David de Andrade.

The big winner, however, was the McRib. This was also on the ballot in California (Proposition 22).  Voters in California overwhelmingly voted for the return of the McRib to McDonald’s restaurants all across the state.  Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had banned the McRib due to its high calorie and high fat content.

But voters rejected Schwarzenegger’s push for “healthy living.”   If we want a thick, juicy, McRib drenched in barbecue sauce, we’re going to have it.  The state can’t tell us no!”  said a three-hundred pound McRib supporter, Hank Jorgenson.

The McRib proposition passed with 87% backing the return of the McRib.  Here’s a happy McRib supporter:

There are rumors that the marijuana supporters are going to try to get McDonald’s to add marijuana to the McRib recipe, but McDonald’s spokesperson, Tammy Weigle, said “we don’t want to ruin the McRib recipe, but we are considering offering pot brownies in California.  We’re just try it out in a few of restaurants in San Francisco first.  We think it’ll be a big seller up there.”

So, there you have it.  This is all you need to know about last night’s election:

Marijuana bad.

McRib good.

Now, go out and enjoy your day!

SACRAMENTO – Meg Whitman didn’t vote today.  She spent the time turning herself into Bat Boy!!

Meg Whitman didn’t go to the polls today to vote for herself… instead she wanted to join in the fun and Bat Boy herself!

Happy Election Day from WWN.   Meg Whitman knows that Bat Boy was the highlight of your 2010.   She was inspired by seeing the picture of Bat Boy in the East Village last Monday!

Meg wanted to know what she would look like as Bat Boy?
So  she did it.

Now for the first time check out the official Bat Boy Yourself facebook application from Weekly World News.

It’s live right NOW so click below and make someone smile on Election Day!

GO BAT BOY YOURSELF on FACEBOOK!!

And here’s a little Californication for you.  Meg loves it, Bat Boy loves it:

SACRAMENTO – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Chinese leaders today.  They want to buy California.

California is going bankrupt and according to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger there is no turning back.  “We tried everything.  We have no money. We must come up with creative solutions to save the state,” the Governor told reporters.

California is a complete and total economic disaster area.  The state government of California is projected to have a budget deficit of at least 19 billion dollars this year, and next year the budget gap is projected to grow to 37 billion dollars.  To put that in perspective, the entire budget for the government of California is only about $125 billion per year.  Already, California’s credit rating is the lowest of all 50 states, and going lower.

“It’s over,” said State Senator Warren Pool of San Jose.

How is California going to get the cash it needs to survive?

China.

At the invitation of Governor Schwarzenegger, Chinese leaders flew to Sacramento to work out a deal to purchase California.  “The deal is that we will still be part of the United States, but China will take over the state government.  They will make all the economic and political decisions within the state, but they will yield to the federal government on national issues.”

“It’s a states rights issue,” said constitutional scholar, Chris Rigaux of Stanford Law School.  “California has the right to manage its own finances without the U.S. government getting in the way.  The state is bankrupt and if China wants to own a piece – or all – of California and lawmakers want to sell the state to them, that’s constitutionally allowed.”

Several California lawmakers strongly disagreed with the decision.  “This is an outrage!”,  said Linda Sunstein, a Republican state senator from San Diego. “California will be under the control of the Chinese.  We will be a communist state!”

“Look, China already owns a good chunk of the United States, they practically own the whole country,” Governor Schwarzenegger told reporters.  “The Chinese seem to know how to run things, get a government in the black.”

Governor Schwarzenegger hopes to complete the deal before the November elections.  Republican Meg Whitman is in a battle with Democratic stalwart Jerry Brown.  “If we close the deal, like I hope we do, we won’t need to have those elections.  The Chinese will just appoint a leader to head the Ministry of California.”

Rumors that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is receiving a $10 billion cash payment from the Chinese, in exchange for his “brokering” of the deal are completely false.   But they may be true.

China already plans on changing the California state emblem from the Bear to the Panda.

LOS ANGELES – The Mythbusters went on Keith Olbermann last night and confirmed that jetpacks have arrive – and are flying around L.A.

Following on WWN’s breaking story about 10,000 jetpacks being bought by the LAPD,  Keith Olbermann dedicated half of his show to an in-depth analysis of jet pack technology.

Olbermann interviewed the hosts – Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman – of the popular Discovery Channel show, Mythbusters about jetpack technology and its viability.  Olbermann and others at MSNBC were skeptical that jetpacks were actually being used by the LAPD

“Not only is the technology viable, but it’s advanced much faster and much farther than we could have ever imagined,” said Savage.  “I thought this myth was busted for sure, ” said Hyneman, “but we went out to The Martin jetpack factory in Temecula and spoke with the Chief Jetpack Engineer, Robert Blanton.  He proved to us that the jetpacks work and are being mass-produced in an underground bunker in Escondido.”

There are many rumors swirling about the jetpack story, but if you want the truth you have to stick with WWN   Frank Lake spoke with Governor Schwarzenegger at length last night in an undisclosed location in Venice, CA.   “The Governor told me, off the record, that not only have the LAPD, in fact, bought 10,000 jetpacks, but the state has ordered over 50,000 – mostly to deal with undocumented workers,” said Frank Lake.

“We plan to fly over the border, scoop them up and then drop them about 50 miles south of Tijuana.  These jetpacks are going to be a big help in the keeping the border safe,” said Schwarzenegger.

Why is everyone keeping the L.A. Jetpack purchase a secret?  Why is there so much misformation and disnformation being spread by the mainstream media?

Mythbuster Savage said that the government typically keeps new technology a secret because they don’t want “the enemy” (whoever that is) to get hold of the technology.

“But we tested the jetpacks.  Adam got to as high as 10,000 feet on his first flight, and I got up to 7,000 feet, but they was probably because I ate a carne asada burrito right before takeoff.”

The Mythbusters said that with a five-gallon tank of gas, users of The Martin Jetpacks will be able to fly about 500 miles at an altitude of 5,000 feet.  “I think 100 miles per gallon is pretty damn good,” said Savage.

“This myth is confirmed!” said Hyneman.

Meanwhile, the first Jetpack arrest was made last night in Brentwood.  Two Jetpack Law Enforcement Officers arrested two women for eating salad at Whole Foods without paying.  They were flown to L.A. County Jail.

UPDATE: Steve Jobs has just announced he will be taking a leave of absence – in order to complete his gender re-assignment!

Apple Inc.’s CEO has issued a statement, explaining that he will be taking a medical leave of absence until the end of June. Insiders have reported to Weekly World News that this is due to Jobs’ final round of surgery, which will allow him to fully transition to being female.

Look to see Ms. Jobs’ return this summer, with a whole new wardrobe!

January 6, 2009

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It was revealed this week that cancer survivor and Apple CEO Steve Jobs was undergoing hormone therapy to counteract his notable weight loss. “My doctors think they have found the cause – a hormone imbalance that has been ‘robbing’ me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy,” Jobs said in an official statement.

Weekly World News sources inside Apple say that Jobs is hiding the real reason for his treatments: He wants undergo radical hormone replacement in order to make a run to become California’s first female governor in 2010. This is in contrary to the recent debacle at MacWorld, where hackers announced his supposed death.

“Steve Jobs has been a longtime supporter of women’s and transgender rights as CEO of Apple,” claims the source. “This move to do a total sex change upgrade speaks to his commitment to quality and strict hardware standards.”

Jobs is forgoing the keynote speech at MacWorld in order to continue hormone therapy, and prepare for the gubernatorial race, which would pit Jobs against steroid user Arnold Schwarzenegger and perhaps former eBay CEO Meg Whitman (reportedly also woman) for the top job in the Golden State.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It was revealed this week that cancer survivor and Apple CEO Steve Jobs was undergoing hormone therapy to counteract his notable weight loss. “My doctors think they have found the cause — a hormone imbalance that has been ‘robbing’ me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy,” Jobs said in an official statement.

Weekly World News sources inside Apple say that Jobs is hiding the real reason for his treatments: He wants undergo radical hormone replacement in order to make a run to become California’s first female governor in 2010. This is in contrary to the recent debacle at MacWorld, where hackers announced his supposed death.

“Steve Jobs has been a longtime supporter of women’s and transgender rights as CEO of Apple,” claims the source. “This move to do a total sex change upgrade speaks to his commitment to quality and strict hardware standards.”

Jobs is forgoing the keynote speech at MacWorld in order to continue hormone therapy, and prepare for the gubernatorial race, which would pit Jobs against steroid user Arnold Schwarzenegger and perhaps former eBay CEO Meg Whitman (reportedly also woman) for the top job in the Golden State.