AUSTRIA -  In a secret swap on the tarmac of the Vienna airport, Russia and the United States returned their respective spies: Vladmir Putin and Sarah Palin.

In the saga that gripped America, members of a Russian spy ring were recently busted by the FBI and were returned to their masters in Moscow following a swap in Austria.  Four Russian prisoners were whisked to freedom  in a Russian jet, the Yak-42.  But it wasn’t until Sunday after the Russian spy ring leader, the sultry Sarah Palin, was handed back over to Russia that the saga finally came to an end.

The Obama Administration wasted no time in handing over Sarah Palin to the Russians.

Anna Chapman, the redhead whose role in the spy scandal has carried her to celebrity status, called Palin as soon as she landed in Moscow. “Put the lipstick on the pig, our eagle has landed!”  The Russian Web site LifeNews.ru reported that Chapman handed Palin a gift – Russian stacking dolls that featured Palin stacked inside McCain stacked inside Levi Johnston stacked inside Obama.

David Axelrod said on Fox News Sunday that Palin had been a sleeper agent in the United States for the last ten years.  “Actually, the CIA has her categorized as a deep sleeper.”  Axelrod went on to tell Wallace that the only one in the government that knew Sarah Palin was a spy was John McCain.  But McCain overlooked this information because “she has great legs.”

Vladimir Putin, on the other hand, was actually born Vinny Cacciatori in Bayonne, New Jersey in 1952. He spent his youth smashing parking meters in Hoboken, and in the 1980s joined the Lucchese crime family.  Putin, known as “Vinny the Chest,” was arrested at the Stiletto Strip Club in Carlstadt, NJ in 1987, but instead of entering the Witness Protection Program he agreed to become an American spy in Russia. He quickly rose to the head of the KGB and President of the Russian Federation. He was the Prime Minister of Russia when the swap was made. When Putin’s childhood friend, Jimmy “The Hamster” Amato, heard about the news he said, “I’m proud of Vin. He done good. Now give me your jelly donut, or I’ll crack your head.”

Some at the CIA are speculating that Putin and Palin are the same person. CIA codebreaker, Tim Burns, said “you swap the ‘ut’ for the ‘al’ and they are identical.”  Others have pointed out that Putin and Palin both love to hunt and fish and  both love to walk around topless in the woods.

When Palin arrived at her new apartment in Moscow she exclaimed,  “I can see Alaska.”  Weekly World News confirmed that it is not possible for Sarah to see her house, but WWN learned that the KGB has been writing Sarah’s speeches for years. “It’s amazing what the American people will believe,” a KGB spokesperson said.

Palin will be joining The Moscow Circus where she’ll be training Mama Grizzlies.

Putin is back in Bayonne, where he is planning on opening a Pizza & Borscht shop.

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PHOENIX, AZ – The Alien is in remorse over his first ever incorrect presidential endorsement.

The Alien, well known for correctly endorsing every presidential winner since 1980, is in shock over his first losing endorsement.

The Alien was not available for comment, but issued a statement that sent his condolences to both the American public and Senator John McCain for getting it wrong. His mortification is only intensified by McCain’s proud acceptance of his endorsement just the day before.

Insiders believe the Alien will beam himself this evening to McCain’s home to offer the Senator a shoulder to cry on.

BREAKING NEWS: McCain has proudly accepted the Alien’s endorsement!

ROSWELL, NM – At a political rally in the infamous Roswell area, Senator John McCain acknowledged and accepted the Alien’s endorsement for his presidential run.

The Arizona senator explained, “By the way, I have been here to Roswell before and I know about the alien landing. And I am pleased to announce that I have received the alien endorsement…and I am proud!”

While the Alien has not released an official response, insiders believe he is elated at McCain’s warm acceptance.

But will the Alien’s endorsement be enough to push McCain into victory? Stay tuned!

October 30, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.

With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.

Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.

Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.

At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.

This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.

What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.

Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems.  Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.”  Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.

However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.

Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.

Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.

Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker!  John McCain, you got my vote!”

How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.

KEY LARGO, FL – Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”

During a rally for the Republican presidential candidate, proceedings were halted by a sudden commotion at the back of the open air venue.  A young Latino man was flailing hysterically at what appeared to be a small alligator biting his pants, while screaming “I told you man, I’m Puerto Rican!”

After being shaken loose, the creature yelled back, “Damn Mexicans, taking our jobs!” He then went on to make lurid passes at several of the campaign’s interns. The small cryptid slurred much of his speech and witnesses say he smelled of cheap whiskey.

Police and wildlife officers arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to apprehend the manigator. However, he avoided capture for thirty minutes while shouting expletives about being denied free speech.  Eventually he was able to slip under a fence and make a run back to the swamp.

Police tracked Manigator through the swamp for hours, following a trail of menthol cigarette packs and frequent yells of “Get ‘er Done!”

The human-reptile hybrid is still at large.

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

JOPLIN, MO – The recent unveiling of Obama’s mutant half brother has guaranteed him the mutant vote.

Since then, Obatma has been on a road tour with Bat Boy rallying support for the Democratic candidate.  The two are making appearances in key swing states, happily handing out stickers and posing for pictures.

As a result, voter registration centers around the country have been flooded with new-voter requests checking the ethnicity box as “Other: Mutant.”

A large group of mutants wearing Obama pins assembled outside of the Today show in Rockefeller center this week.  The crowd was dispersed by security before taping began, however, due to an incident involving several easily startled tourists and a girl who was half-spider.

Obatma and Bat Boy are expected to continue their road trip through to the election, driving across the country in a convertible which allows them to catch mosquitoes in their mouths.

Senator McCain, desperate to reduce Obama’s lead, has retaliated by campaigning heavily to the alien population, playing up his military service with the Intergalactic Alliance.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Angels and demons have quietly entered into peace talks, thanks to Senator John McCain!

“Just a decade ago, a peace pact between Heaven and Hell would have been unthinkable,” says Presidential nominee Senator McCain. “But in this era, we’ve seen many implacable foes, like Democrats and Republicans, sit down at the bargaining table to settle their differences.

“Of course, this won’t be a cakewalk. The two camps remain miles apart on many issues – and there’s a lot of bad blood and distrust. But I have a lot of experience with that,” he explained.

Preliminary talks got underway six weeks ago between Earthly representatives of the two sides – with negotiators from the Catholic Church sitting opposite agents of the International Church of Lucifer.

“These meetings paved the way for bargaining sessions between heavenly seraphim and second-tier demons, in which key points of the peace plan have been hammered out,” a source revealed.

“But when the first ‘sit-down’ between the Archangel Michael and Satan’s chief lieutenant Beelzebub could not be negotiated, we had to call in the big guns.”

Senator McCain, well known for his bipartisan work in the Senate, was able to get the talks going again. “I mean, if I can reach across the aisle to Democrats, reaching out to demons couldn’t be all that bad,” he laughed.

“There’s certainly been a lot of haggling,” Senator McCain revealed. “Both teams have been trying to sneak loopholes into the document.

“This is truly a case where the Devil is in the details.”

Senator McCain’s supernatural support has been growing. If these negotiations go through, he will have not only the afterlife representatives, but fellow cyborgs and some alien races. However, Senator Barack Obama has garnered the favor of highly influential mutants and extraterrestrials.

Which contingency will be the most influential on November 4th?

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.