CAMBRIDGE, U.K. – New research done by the University of Cambridge proves conclusively that Christopher Columbus was black.

DNA analysis of the remains of Christopher Columbus, done by forensic scientists at the University of Cambridge, prove beyond a shadow a doubt that the famed navigator was of African descent.

“A five-hundred-year-mystery has been solved,”  said Wellington Malley, the head of the Cambridge research team.  “Even though Columbus was born in Genoa, and spoke and wrote in Spanish most of his life, the DNA is clear – Columbus was 100% African.  We believe he was from the west coast, probably from what is now Cameroon.”

“No way!”, said Carlo Minucci of Bayonne, New Jersey.  “Columbus is a full-blooded Italian-America.  He sailed here with his friends Nina and Pinta  and discovered Hoboken.  That’s the way it went down.  He’s not black.  This is our day!”

Sorry, Carlo.  It’s the truth. .. Some of the remains of Christopher Columbus were found in Seville Cathedral, in Spain, and some bones were buried in Santo Domingo Cathedral in the Dominican Republic.  “All of the bones and the remains from both locations have been checked and rechecked.  He’s black.”

Columbus died in 1506.  In 1537, the widow of his son Diego was allowed to take the bones of both her husband and his father to the Dominican Republic for burial in the cathedral of Santo Domingo.  Diego was also black.

Not all African-Americans were pleased to know learn about Columbus’s ethnic identity.   “What?  Columbo was a thug, a punk.  He sailed out over here and slaughtered the Indians, ” said Fred Johnson of Harlem.  “I think the whole thing is bogus, trying to pin a crime on blacks again.  This is B.S.”

But President Obama heard news over the weekend and was proud to know that one of the greatest sailors and navigators of all time was black.  “I’m ordering all statues and monuments to Christopher Columbus be taken down and redone.  We want his likeness to be accurate.”

Mayor Bloomberg in New York said that the big Italian-American parade down 5th Avenue would be changed to an African-American parade in honor of Christopher Columbus.

“Fuggedabout it,” said Tony Cinelli of Brooklyn.  “This ain’t right.  This is the only Italian day we get.  And they take it away from us?  We get no respect.  Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that the Chinese invented pasta.”

The Grand Marshall of this year’s Columbus Day Parade – Maria Bartiromo has been replaced by Beyonce.

Native-American were indifferent to the news.  “Either way we got screwed,” said Chief Walking Stick,  a Navajo Indian.

Well, whether you are  black, Italian, or just a Columbus-lover…  get out there and celebrate the day!

ATLANTIC CITY – Hurricane Irene is weakening and may not be the “apocalypse” that authorities in multiple states are making it out to be.

The worst storm in the history of the world?

Armageddon?  The apocalypse?

Once in a lifetime storm?

Well, looks like Irene was just teasing us.  Yes, it is a major storm, but “Armageddon” – probably not.

Dr. Simon Atkins, CEO, of  Advaned Forecasting Corporation as the hype over Hurricane Irene is overblown.  He predicts that “North of Delaware, most hurricane force winds will very likely be gusts, not sustained winds.”

Atkins goes on to say that, “The demise of Irene has already begun. There is no visible eye. The storm intensity is down to 99 mph. This would be a low-end category 2 or a strong category 1 storm, while 36 hours ago some predicted a catastrophic category 4 storm. Air Force Reserve aircraft have found that Irene’s eyewall has collapsed, and the central pressure has risen — rising pressure means a weakening storm.”

But that’s not stopping Mayor Bloomberg from putting the fear of God into New Yorkers:

“Do not be fooled by the sun outside—that is the calm before the storm,” Mr. Bloomberg warned during a televised news conference from City Hall Friday afternoon. “You can’t wait until there are gale force winds and driving rains arrive. It will be too late then. You have to start your preparations to leave right now.”

Many New Yorkers were ignoring his warnings.  This woman on Coney Island Beach didn’t seem worried:

He issued mandatory evacuations for all New Yorkers in Zone A.   He shut buses, trains and subways.  Governor Cuomo said he would shut down the George Washington Bridge and the Tappan Zee Bridge, if winds get over 60 mph.  Basically, the Mayor and Governor were telling New Yorkers to… “get out!!”

Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey, was blowing a lot of wind himself.  “I want everybody off the beaches.  If you stay on the beaches, I’m personally gonna come over and beat your a**.”
Dr. Atkins told WWN.  “The reduction in storm intensity likely confirms that this storm is not going to be as monstrous as it has been publicly forecast to be. Yes, it will be windy. However, north of Delaware most hurricane force winds will very likely be gusts, not sustained winds.”

Advanced Forecasting Corporation, modeled the following predictions:

1)    There will be wind damage over eastern-most North Carolina as well as some storm surge flooding up the Pamlico Sound. Some houses in the Hamptons will be flooded and destroyed. Flooding might occur in New York’s Battery Park Subway station and on the FDR Drive since the city could get up to 8 inches of rain. There may be some New England neighborhoods submerged due to rivers overflowing.

2)    With 90% confidence, we predict a total damage bill below $1 billion. Unless there is an unexpected secondary or tertiary event, this is not going to be a huge-loss storm.

So, will it be Armageddon or a Hard Drizzle?  What do you think?

NEW YORK – Mayor Bloomberg told New Yorkers that anyone looting during Hurricane Irene will be put in internment camps in upstate New York.

In a press conference this afternoon, Mayor Bloomberg again urged residents in evacuation areas to leave immediately.  The Mayor was told that a number of residents were hesitant to leave because they were worried about looters.

Mayor Bloomberg shocked reporters when he said that the National Guard would round-up any looters and take them to internment camps in upstate New York.  “We have installed a zero tolerance policy for looters.  If you  loot, you will be put in an internment camp for six months – at the minimum.”

Reporters questioned the constitutionality and legality of imprisoning looters, but Mayor Bloomberg said, “We have the full support of the Obama Administration.  Looters will be placed in these camps and some may even be deported.”

“You are going to deport Americans?”  asked John Quimby of The Daily News.  “Yes, we will figure out where the looters ancestors came from and ship them off to that country.  President Obama and I agreed that it’s time to clean up our cities,  and our country,  and Hurricane Irene will give us a good opportunity to do so.”

There have been rumors for the last two years that the U.S. Government has been building internment camps in every state.

Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo has also signed-off on the internment camps.  Governor Cuomo said he met with the National Guard to review strategy.  He has deployed several units to help with the storm, and several more to round-up looters.

Mayor Bloomberg also had dire warnings for people riding elevators during the storm.  “If you get into an elevator during the storm, we will get you out, but you will be sent to an internment camp.”  Bloomberg said that the government can no longer tolerate citizens who do not do exactly what the government tells them to do.   “New York City is no place for rebels.  If you want to defy our orders, you will be sent to a camp. “

The Mayor says he will send any “defiant New Yorker” to the internment camps.  “Zero tolerance,” he repeated.

The Mayor said he will be compassionate to some looters.  Mild looters (products under $5) will be offered the opportunity of being sent to New Jersey instead of going to an internment camp – but the Mayor expects few people to choose that option.

Left-wing activist attorney, Ron Kuby, objected to the threat of arresting and imprisoning looters.  “This is America, this is not communist Russia.  I believe the whole hype around the storm is an attempt by the U.S. government to practice their draconian methods for controlling the populace in case of a revolution.  I will not allow ANY looter to be sent to an interment camp.”

Ron Kuby was arrested and sent to upstate New York.

What will the looters be forced to do at the internment camps?  Mayor Bloomberg isn’t saying… but he had an evil grin.

NEW YORK – Meteorologists are predicting that Hurricane Irene will sink Manhattan Island.

If you are in Manhattan forget about loading up on bottled water, beer, and canned corn.  Don’t board up your windows.  Don’t watch TV weathermen getting blown around.

It won’t matter.  Manhattan is going to sink.  Head to Jersey.  Now!!

New Jersey will be the “New”  New York.

The city’s official hurricane threat level has been raised from “Mild Devastation” to “Armageddon.”

Weather experts predict that Hurricane Irene will bury Manhattan under 90 feet of water and fish parts.  “It’ll be worse than 12 tsunamis,” said Scott Blake of Tony’s Weather Club.  “Winds are going to be over 300 miles per hour.”

Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey, said New Yorkers are welcome in New Jersey.  “We have lower taxes and we have Snooki.  You’re gonna love it here.”

The National Hurricane Panic Center (NHPC) confirmed that their computerized models have Manhattan being hit with not only a massive Triple Hurricane, but also two earthquakes and a blizzard.

“Things are going to get crazy.  Start screaming,” said Tom Weewinkler of the NHPC.

Frank Mastardi, the chief meteorologist at Weather Hype said that the last time Manhattan was buried in water was 1790.  “The reason Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr went to New Jersey to shoot each other was because of the Triple Hurricane of 1790.  It was the last time Manhattan was buried in water.”

Mayor Bloomberg has begun massive evacuations of Manhattan citizens to New Jersey.  But many New Yorkers are refusing to go into New Jersey.”

“I’d rather die than go to New Jersey,” said Taylor Ashland of the East Village.  That sentiment was echoed by New Yorkers from Battery Park to Harlem.

Hurricane Irene, a Category 17 Hurricane will hit Manhattan on Sunday.  Alternate side of the street parking rules will remain in effect.

NEW YORK  – Mayor Bloomberg has come up with a unique way to raise funds for the city – sell it’s  garbage.

Artist  Justin Gignac had a brilliant concept in package design.  He called it “NYC Garbage.”

It began as a bet with a friend at an ad agency has turned into a major boon for Gignac and New York City, who says on his website that NYC has so far sold 590,000 clear lucite boxes containing nothing but authentic New York City garbage (and odorless).  One box would contain a crumpled MetroCard, a Starbucks straw or a discarded photo.

Well, it started as art project and now… it’s an official revenue-raising plan for New York City.   Mayor Bloomberg has ordered the NYC Sanitation Department to save 5%  of all garbage collected to be put aside.  It will be boxed up and sold around the U.S. – and the world.

“Our garbage is the best garbage in the world, and I’m convinced that people around the globe will want some fresh NYC garbage as a collector’s item.  It’ll be the new seashell, ” said Mayor Bloomberg.

Customers can buy boxes of odorless or odor-full garbage in bags or “loose.”

“I’d recommend customers buy the loose garbage, because then they can use it as they want around their homes,” said Deput Mayor Lydia Morales.

Here’s some Grade-A loose garbage:

Each box is tied to a specific locale, whether it’s Rivington or Yankee Stadium and generally goes for $50 a box (not counting the $100 special edition box from Obama’s Inauguration).

Bloomberg  has put aside a large amount of his own garbage to sell.  The Mayor thinks he can get $10,000 to 50,000 for each bag of his garbage.  “I got great garbage.  And I’m only going to take 60% of the profits, the rest I’m going to earmark to pay for gay weddings.”

So come to NYC and… buy some garbage!

NEW YORK, NY – The Hoverbike is here and Mayor Bloomberg of New York has ordered 100,000 for the NYPD!

Mayor Bloomberg is ecstatic.  He has a new way to catch criminals in Manhattan. The Hoverbike.

The Hoverbike takes “catching air” to a whole new level. With a 1170 cc 4-stroke engine delivering 80 kW driving two ducted propellers, the inventor of the Hoverbike, Chris Malloy, says with its high thrust to weight ratio, the Hoverbike reaches an estimated height of more than 15,000 feet and reach an airspeed of 173 mph.

Mayor Bloomberg was impressed and saw the potential for use as Emergency Response Vehicles.  “We are going to hire 1,000 Hoverbike Officers immediately,” Bloomberg said at a press conference.  “This will dramatically change how New York City responds to 911 calls.”

Malloy works in the mechanical design of airborne and ground based hyperspectral sensors at an optical engineering company in Australia.  It took him two and a half years slaving away in his garage to develop the Hoverbike. His efforts were prompted when his helicopter instructor likened a Robinson R22 light utility helicopter to an airborne motorbike.

The Hoverbike seats a single pilot on a Kevlar reinforced carbon fiber with foam core frame in between two horizontal spinning propellers constructed from Tasmanian Oak with a carbon fiber leading edge. Instead of the complicated swash plate setup found in single rotor helicopters, the Hoverbike employs the same basic flying principles as a tandem-rotor Chinook helicopter.

Control of the Hoverbike is done completely via the handlebars. Forward and reverse movement is controlled via the motorbike-like handlebar grips. The right grip increases the thrust, while the left grip controls the angle of the control vanes positioned under the rotors to pitch the nose of the Hoverbike down – for forward movement – or up – for moving backwards. Meanwhile, turning is achieved by turning the handlebars left and right, just like a motorbike but with an extra axis that lets them rotate up and down a little, which alters the angle of the front and rear control vanes.

Riders will wear a parachute.

With dimensions of 9.8 x 4.3 x 1.8 f, the Hoverbike weighs 231 lb and has a maximum takeoff weight of 595 lb.   The bike’s 30 L primary fuel tank should provide a range of 200 miles at a cruising speed of  100 mph, while the addition of secondary fuel tanks that double the fuel capacity will double the range.

The Hoverbike is now in full production and other cities – Dallas, Miami, Washington DC and Memphis have all put in similar orders to New York.  Malloy hopes to produce 50,000 Hoverbikes a month to meet the demand.

Here’s the next generation of Hoverbike Malloy is working on:

We’ll bring you video of the flight tests once Chris has completed them. Until then we’ll have to make do with the short video below on an airflow visualization smoke test.

Airflow demonstration

NEW YORK – Mayor Michael Bloomberg is banning the sale and giveaway of tote bags in New York City.

At a press conference at City Hall this afternoon, Mayor Bloomberg explained, “For years, the problem was regular plastic bags from grocery stores and bodegas. They were littering our streets, filling our landfills. We started a mandatory recycling program at stores and implemented a 5-cent refund for customers. We’ve had great success in those measures.”

He continued, “I could have never anticipated the tote bag craze, but now businesses are giving away or selling them for next to nothing. And I mean everyone from Trader Joe’s to The New Yorker to Carnival Cruise Lines to the public schools. Have you walked down the street lately? There are billboards everywhere, but they’re on sustainable, organic canvas. It’s an epidemic. What happened to mugs and magnets?”

Bloomberg is said to have support from several NYC council members, as well as the NYC Department of Sanitation.

“I still support the BYO Bag initiative. I just want to put a stop to the new wave of bags, particularly the free with subscription or purchase bags. Not to mention, we want to nip this thing in the bud before election season. Can you imagine? What savvy politician isn’t going to distribute tote bags to his or her constituents and supporters? It’s got to stop, and before the ‘Keep the Change’ bags of 2012 are available.”

Marcia Kleinfeld, who watched on as Bloomberg explained his position, agrees with the mayor. “I moved to New York so I could be nameless. These tote bags are labels. And I’m tired of being labeled. Of course, I wanted to do good by the environment. But I miss the anonymous, throw-away plastic bag days.”

No word on how Bloomberg’s proposed ban will impact ticket sales for American Beauty 2: Tote Bag in the Tree which is set to be released this November, just in time for the holidays and Oscar nomination season.

I’m madder than a Irishman without cabbage in his pants about Americans celebrating St. Patrick’s Day!

I still hate the Irish!

Why do we let these red-headed, ruddy-faced, potato-eating Paddy-lovers take over our city streets every March 17th?!   These Blarney-tards get wasted, wear plaid skirts with no underwear and swing shillelaghs every other day of the year – why do they need another day to hop around in bowler hats.

And they don’t need a parade to direct them to the nearest bar.  They can find a pub on their own – it’s usually where they live.

Everybody knows the Irish are some of the dumbest people on earth – they don’t even know you can use your arms when you dance!  They think staring at a four-leafed shamrock is a better way to get money then actually having a job.  The Irish are so lazy even Mexicans won’t pick them up for day labor.

Even Mayor Bloomberg hates St. Patrick’s Day.  He recently said St. Patrick’s Day honors Irish-Americans who like to get “totally inebriated and hang out the window waving little Irish flags.”  Hizzoner is right!  And he’s short enough to be Irish!

Yeah, yeah… they’re good storytellers, but that’s because they lie about everything.  That’s why they have so many freckles.  Every time they lie they get a new one.

The Irish believe in leprechauns and pots of gold and fairies.  Should we really be encouraging these people to drink?  Bono is so drunk, he never even remembers to take off his sunglasses.  Stack him on top of Colin Farrell and they’re still a foot shorter than the average American.

Oh Danny Boy, please  save me from hearing an Irishman sing on St. Patrick’s Day!   The Pipes are calling you… back to Ireland.  Leave my American ears alone, kiss MY Blarney stone!

So folks, boycott St. Patrick’s Day!  Don’t wear green.  Don’t say “kiss me, I’m Irish” even though you’re a Puerto-Rican-Jew.  Don’t let them pour green dye into your beer.  And don’t stand anywhere near an Irishman unless you like urine and vomit!

Erin Go Away!  End St. Patrick’s Day!

NEW YORK – In the midst of a raging blizzard, New York held its premier art fair!

The Bloomberg administration highlighted its snow removal renaissance in the midst of the third major storm to blanket the City in weeks.  “Roads are clear, the infrastructure is running smoothly, and people are bustling about with energy and confidence,” said Mayor Bloomberg, last night.  “And I’m told that exactly the same conditions are present right now in New York City.”

Despite blizzard conditions, tens of thousands of contemporary art lovers have been flocking each day to the inaugural VIP Art Fair  www.vipartfair.com that opened Saturday morning and continues through Sunday, January 30th.  Collectors from New York and around the world have converged to view works by leading names in contemporary art including Damien Hirst, Richard Prince, Andy Warhol, Yayoi Kusma, Gerhard Richter, Banksy, Richard Serra and Matthew Barney.

Works range in price from a few thousand dollars to well into the millions for more established artists and iconic pieces.  In aggregate, the works on display have an estimated street value in excess of $226 million.”

Scott Butterman, a Brooklyn based collector of neo feminist minimalist abstract Dutch genre landscapes, gushed about the energy around the fair.  He has been eagerly awaiting the 137 exhibitors for the past three months.  “The organizing concept of the VIP Art fair was to break down the physical and societal walls of the art world and conventional art fairs – to create a much more inviting, inclusive and comfortable experience.  They have delivered that in spades.”

Only halfway through its run, multiple sales records have already been achieved, with very strong feedback from participating galleries, collectors and the media.

The Internet has also been abuzz with praise about “home-like” feeling visitors experience as they tour from booth to booth – as if the viewer were ‘lounging in their pajamas’ in the ‘privacy of their own home’ or office.  As with any paradigm-shifting enterprise, there were a few isolated, petty critiques from a few fussy art collectors.  A few blog posts reported delays in entering the fair, as well as rumors of a few VIPs who, having misplaced their ‘meds,’ threw ‘hissies’ over a slower than anticipated pace of navigating the fair as a result of the far larger than anticipated attendance.

“We built it, it snowed, and they still came – in hordes, exceeding our wildest dreams and validating the VIP Art Fair concept.  You will read about this for years to come; and we’ll be back next year to do it all over again,” commented director of infrastructure, Emile Jonasjonasenson.  “And in a social realm where your biggest nightmare is not making the list for Anselm’s latest suite of sculpture, we expect our small growing pains to draw collector ire,” he added.

But with all the laudatory feelings, some remained nonplussed:  Manual Pagales, a New York livery cab driver, said, “It’s a big bust for me – my new snow tires have not gotten even one fare to the VIP fair.  And Neil Kay, front desk manager at the Milford Plaza Hotel, stated, “We set aside 50 rooms for this fair but got a big goose egg.  For me, VIP means ‘Virtually Impossible to Perceive.’”

“Perhaps it’s because the VIP Art Fair exists only online?” posits WWN investigative reporter, Roxie Cunningham.  Inquiring minds need to know.

NEW YORK – To celebrate the two year anniversary of the “Miracle on the Hudson,” New York City officials gassed a flock of Canada Geese.

A NYC Parks Department representative confirmed the goose slaughter.  An official statement was released detailing the decision for the mass gassing.

“In honor of the heroic acts of January 15th, 2009, the city put down 2,000 Canada Geese this morning at a facility on Staten Island. The geese suffered no pain.  On-site veterinarians oversaw the gentle gassing of each goose.  Geese were served a final meal of grass, wheat, and corn, along with the garbage from the Olive Garden on Gateway Drive in Brooklyn. Many thanks to Manager Jim O’Leahy for making the drop-off.”

In a one-on-one interview at the Queens College Lab of Ornithology in East Elmhurst, Dr. Barbara Montemoyer explained the rational fear of Canada Geese.

“By nature, Canada geese are noisy and confrontational. Their droppings are large and carry enough bacteria to seriously sicken a young child or compromised person over 75. They have always been considered an enemy of the human race. But I must say that man’s disdain for the giant birds increased significantly when they started gathering at JFK and LaGuardia airports. The Miracle on the Hudson capitalized on that sentiment and produced an outpouring of hatred for Canada Geese.  And let me tell you, it hasn’t exactly hurt our endowment.”

Anti-bird activists at “Fly Away!” claim that the widespread Canada Geese migration to bodies of water in large cities is part of a grander bird conspiracy to remove humans from the sky.

It appears their scheme may be working.  Pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who safely landed Flight 1549 on the icy Hudson after his plane suffered an engine-disabling bird strike, has retired his wings. He promised, “I will never fly again, not after what those birds did to me. They’re organized. They’re smart. And they’ll go anywhere. It’s trains and buses for me from here on out.  Anyone who flies in this hostile environment is suicidal.”