Hundreds of birds fell from the sky and landed onto I-95 Wednesday, bringing rush hour traffic in Maryland to a crawl.

The Maryland Game and Fish Commission said it began receiving reports about the dead birds about 11:30 p.m. the previous night. The birds fell over a 10-mile area, and an aerial survey indicated that no other dead birds were found outside of that area.

They were mostly Starling and Blackbirds, and while there were a few in the grass and on the shoulders of the highway, the vast majority landed right on the northbound travel lanes in Laurel.

“We were just kind of curious about running them over and getting them stuck in your tires and all that nastiness,” says Tammy Johnson.

“I travel this all the time and have never seen anything like that before,” says Ray Wheltle.

Traffic backed up as drivers slowed down out of concern for the birds and their cars.

A highway crew swept and shoveled what they could while the drivers crept by scratching their heads. State biologists say they’ve also seen Starlings, which tend to fly in large tight flocks, crash into the sides of tractor trailers.

Some suspected something sinister. ”Environmental hazards, toxins in the air and in the environment maybe,” a person said.

Maryland Department of Natural Resources biologist Sam Comito believes the Starlings were attacked by some outside force.  He does not suspect any disease and is sending samples to a lab just in case.

WWN contacted Dr. John Malley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  Dr.  Malley examined the birds and all the evidence. He concluded that the birds were shot down by an alien spaceship from Planet Gootan.

“The Gootans have been shooting down birds and killing fish around the U.S., and world, for the last two years,” said John Mallye.  The U.S. government tries to explain it away with all different kind of theories, but this is definitely the work of the Gootans.  It’s a warning from them.”

Some are linking the deaths to similar incidents elsewhere.

Ornithologist Elisabeth Pfeffer, who examined may of the birds, said the he birds showed some physical trauma,  but had several alien burn markings on their wings.   “I’ve examined thousands of blackbirds and starlings in my basement and have never seen anything like this before.”  She first speculated that the flock could have been hit by lightning or high-altitude hail.  She was wrong.

There have been an increasing, and alarming, number of UFO reports in the last four months.  The United Nations Panel on Extraterrestrials has issued a report outlining an ongoing Alien Invasion – which began  in 2011 and continue until 2015.  This may be the first official shots fired by a UFO on any living animal on Earth.

MARYLAND -  Workers at a hospital captured a live chupacabra!

A bizarre beast said to combine the characteristics of a kangaroo, dog, rat and deer was captured last week by workers at Prince George’s Hospital Center in Maryland near the nation’s capital.

Technicians on a smoke break wandered near a wooded area and found the strange, nearly hairless animal. The workers took cellphone videos of the beast, and eventually lured it into a cage with Chinese food as bait. Local news reporters interviewed the hospital workers, who offered a variety of opinions about the beast’s identity.

“It’s a kangaroo, dog, rat mixed,” X-ray technician Joe Livermore told WWN. “It’s got a rat tail and a head like a deer. I don’t know what it is.”

The shy animal was dubbed “Prince Chupa” after the mysterious vampire chupcabra and already some are wondering if the bloodsucker has finally been captured alive.

The chupacabra dates back to 1995, when an eyewitness sighted the monster in Puerto Rico. In my book, “Tracking the Chupacabra,” I provide evidence showing that the original chupacabra report described a monster in science-fiction film, and most likely no beast ever existed. Since then, no hard evidence of the chupacabra has emerged, and the myth has been kept alive by occasional reports of animals identical to Prince Chupa.

Many veterinarians and other animal experts are hesitant to offer opinions about mysterious creatures because it can be difficult to identify an animal from just a photo or video. Many animals, especially in the Canidae family (which includes dogs, coyotes, foxes, and wolves), can look very similar, and the exact species may only be distinguished by personally examining details such as skull shape, tail length and so on (or DNA analysis).

But, after careful analysis, authorities in Maryland have confirmed:  it IS a chupacabra.

Here’s the general news report:

ANNAPOLIS, MD – A woman riddled with terminal cancer prayed to a local saint, and was suddenly cured! How did this happen?

Mary Ellen Heibel of Annapolis had cancer in her liver, lungs, back and sternum. Her oncologist told her there was nothing more they could do. Heibel was facing certain death when a friend told her about a famous Catholic figure from their area.

The Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos was a 19th century Roman Catholic priest. Born in Germany, he came to America to minister to German-speaking immigrants. As a Redemptorist missionary, he led a very simple life and attempted to work with those that were most neglected. So beloved was he that a shrine and center exists in New Orleans solely to honor his memory.

He was beatified by Pope John Paul II in 2000, which Heibel believes was part of the miracle. She began praying to the priest, and even went so far as to wear a fragment of the priest’s bone in a locket around her neck.

Within a week of praying, she went to have a CAT scan done. All the tumors had disappeared! Even her oncologist had never seen anything like it.

Heibel believes it was her prayers which got rid of the cancer. The Archdiocese of Baltimore is sending a report to the Vatican for them to investigate this supposed miracle.

GAITHERSBURG, MD – Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell stated at a UFO conference that extraterrestrial life exists and the government is actively covering it up.

Mitchell is a former NASA astronaut who was part of the 1971 Apollo 14 moon mission. He is credited with the longest moonwalk in history for his nine-hour walk in the Fra Mauro Highlands region of the moon. Having always had an interest in the paranormal, Mitchell even conducted ESP experiments during his Apollo 14 mission.

Since his retirement, Mitchell has been very vocal about his belief in extraterrestrials, interviewing on Dateline NBC, Fox News and Larry King Live.

Mitchell spoke at the fifth annual X-Conference, an event that brings together a group of speakers to discuss “the governmental, political and media aspects of 60+ years of extraterrestrial engagement and societal denial – exopolitics”. Other speakers that attended included Coast to Coast AM radio show host George Noory and famous author and archaeologist Graham Hancock.

Mitchell explained that, having grown up in Roswell, New Mexico, witnesses “didn’t want to go to the grave with their story. They wanted to tell somebody reliable. And being a local boy and having been to the moon, they considered me reliable enough to whisper in my ear their particular story.”

After these admissions, Mitchell used his highly-regarded status to speak confidentially with a Pentagon admiral, who confirmed the UFO crash at Roswell. He claims he has since spoken to  government officials from three different countries who say they have had contact with aliens. He is now calling for NASA and the government to stop hiding evidence of alien contact and start being honest with the American public.

A NASA spokesperson responded: “NASA does not track UFOs. NASA is not involved in any sort of cover-up about alien life on this planet or anywhere else – period.”

BALTIMORE, MD – A new GPS software program is being offered, which alerts any car driver to the presence of nearby Phantoms of the Opera.

Phantom Alert claims to warn drivers if their intended route is taking them by any known haunts of a Phantom of the Opera. The program depends on drivers reporting sightings to the company, who then builds a database of all known hot spots to be sent to customers’ GPS systems.

Raoul Fenway, CEO of Masquerade, International, explained, “We’ve seen a huge uptick in Phantom sightings in the past year. We believe this is due to the recession. Plays are closing across the country and the Phantoms of these failed productions seem to have gone astray.”

When asked if the Phantoms are dangerous, Raoul replied, “Oh no no. We just want to help drivers avoid collisions. The masks impair their vision, so the Phantoms tend to wander in despair into oncoming traffic. But they’re easy to avoid if you can spot them.”

Fenway said his company is currently in the works on a number of new GPS systems, such as ones that detect cats, foul-mouthed puppets and murderous chorus girls.

BALTIMORE, MD – A recently completed study has shown that profanity leveled at deities can extend your lifespan.

The findings, culled from a twelve-year research project informally known as Goddamn Healthy Living, demonstrate a marked difference in health between those who hurl invective at the heavens and those who resist the urge.

“The process isn’t fully understood,” said team leader Dr. Grady Hellman of the University of Delaware in a press conference.  “But what seems apparent is that it’s enormously beneficial to your health to angrily berate God when you feel like you need to.”

Dr. Hellman went on, “I mean, I’m a little nervous right now, but… JESUS H. CHRIST!  And now I feel better.”

The study subjects were monitored according to general health indicators and level of vulgarity in their frustrated recriminations of God.  The data showed a clear corollary between cursing out the creator and better overall health.

In response to the new demand, the researchers have prepared a list of suggested phrases for funneling your rage skyward that is being adapted into a book.

The title for the book, which will be hitting the shelves this spring, is best explained by the author himself.  “If swears can work like health food,” reasons Dr. Hellman, “then I’m starting the Tourette Diet.”

“Dr. Atkins, eat your f***ing heart out,” he added.  “It’s high in protein.”  Dr. Hellman grinned expansively.  “See, now I feel even better.”

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag