I’m madder than Ted Kennedy in an XS coffin!

How can those Massachusetts idiots even be thinking about voting for that stupid liberal woman, Martha Coakley? It’s obvious that Scott Brown fellow is the guy they need!

Look at the facts: he’s worn the uniform of his country. She hasn’t. He knows something about baseball. She doesn’t.  He knows how to spell “Massachusetts.” She doesn’t.

Hell, even one of the Kennedy’s didn’t get her name right in a speech last night! You better believe they NEVER forget Scott Brown’s name – cuz after Tuesday, they’ll be cursing it more than ever!

Anyway, you can’t blame a Kennedy boy for forgetting a woman’s name. Hell, they forgot a whole broad in a lake once, remember?

Yep, that Mary Jo Kopechne is one chick whose name the Kennedy’s never forget!

And since dead people get the vote in Massachusetts, I say they let Mary Jo cast a ballot. Gee, do you think she’s still a registered Democrat??

They sure give dead people lots of power in that state. Dead people are like the Miami Cubans of Massachusetts!

One of Coakley’s ads blamed dead people in the World Trade Center for the bad economy or something! I’ve heard my share of weird conspiracy theories, but who knew Wall Street was controlled by 3000 ghosts from nine years ago, from a building that’s not there anymore?

And they say Glenn Beck’s the crazy one!

Anyhow, I hope that Scott Brown fellow wins and finally gets that commie place back on track. With the Kennedys back to bootlegging, gals in the state won’t get a busy signal for the rape crisis hotline anymore!

I’m happier than a Labrador Retriever at a wading pool!

After all these years, Ted Kennedy is finally dead! Yahoo!! It took him long enough – even in a nation full of gun-toting crazies, nobody thought Ted mattered enough to shoot.

What a shame, because before he finally died, Ted Kennedy managed to screw up everything he touched. It was bad enough he only got into Harvard because his smarter brothers went there, and their bootlegger father was rich. And everybody knows Ted Kennedy let a young lady die after he crashed a car off a bridge and left her to drown.

He also stuck up for the Commies and smeared guys who were a hundred times smarter and better than him, like that Bork and Clarence Thomas.

Imagine a guy who had to cheat his way through law school getting to decide who sits on the Supreme Court, and even calling one of them a pervert and another one a racist!?

But that’s not the worst of it. Nope, it is all the idiots who kept electing Ted Kennedy time and time again.

I love America, but it’s Americans I can’t stand. And that’s one reason why. How stupid do you have to be to keep voting for this fat, drunk, overrated commie blowhard just because of his famous last name?

I hear though that the news ratings are in the tank with all this Kennedy news, and the only person whose show is getting more watchers is… Glenn Beck! Ha Ha!

It’s enough to make me wish a bunch of stupid hippies would boycott ME!!

BOSTON, MA – With Senator Ted Kennedy’s passing, will we ever know the truth of the accident that killed Mary Jo Kopechne?

Ted Kennedy created a successful career in politics, but was forever haunted by the secrets of the fatal accident in 1969 that killed 28 year old Mary Jo Kopechne. It is believed her death led to his decision to never run for President.

On July 18, 1969, Kennedy attended a party on a small Massachusetts island called Chappaquiddick. The party was a reunion of six “boiler room girls”, who had worked on Robert Kennedy’s presidential campaign the year before. Shortly before midnight, Ted Kennedy decided to head out and Kopechne asked for a ride back to her hotel.

The events following remain unclear. According to Kennedy, they took a wrong turn onto an unlit dirt road and  accidentally drove off the Dike Bridge into Poucha Pond. He was able to escape the sinking car and swim to shore. Kennedy claims he swam down numerous times to try and reach Kopechne but never found her. He soon returned on foot to where the party was being held. He did not stop at the four houses along the way to call for help.

Kennedy and two of the male guests headed back to the site of the accident to try and find Kopechne, but failed. The two men returned to the house believing Kennedy would report the accident, but he swam across the channel, returned to his hotel and fell asleep.

The following morning, two fishermen discovered the car. The police sent a diver down, who discovered Kopechne’s corpse in the flooded car. After seeing that the car had been found, Kennedy reported to the police station where he was charged with leaving the scene of an accident after causing injury. He later pleaded guilty.

He held a televised statement that evening apologizing to the citizens of Massachusetts and asking them to decide if he should resign. Viewers responded heavily in his favor, and Kennedy won re-election the following year with 62%.

Despite the fact that some blood was found on Kopechne’s skirt and in her nose, and that an inquest concluded that Kennedy had intentionally turned onto Dike Road and away from the ferry they had been supposedly trying to catch, Kopechne’s parents fought against an exhumation of her corpse for an official autopsy,

The Kopechnes also never brought a suit against Kennedy, for which they explained, “We figured that people would think we were looking for blood money.” However, they did receive $90,904 from the Senator personally and $50,000 from his insurance company following the accident.

Did something else happen inside the car before it went off the bridge? Was there improper conduct between Kopechne and the then-married Kennedy? Why did it take him until the following morning to report?

The diver, John Farrar, had found her body in a way which indicated she survived for some time in an air bubble in the car. He later stated, “Had I received a call within five to ten minutes of the accident occurring, and was able, as I was the following morning, to be at the victim’s side within twenty-five minutes of receiving the call, in such event there is a strong possibility that she would have been alive on removal from the submerged car.”

Do you think Kennedy was responsible for her death?

Senator Ted Kennedy passed away last night.  Weekly World News has uncovered details about his upcoming funeral.

Edward Moore Kennedy was born in 1932 to an Irish American family in Boston.  He was one of the few people in the country to be issued membership to the Democratic Party and his Birth Certificate in the same day.  He was the youngest of 29 siblings, which included John F Kennedy, Robert F Kennedy, Eunice Shriver Kennedy, and his holiness the Dalai Llama.

Kennedy was first sworn into office as a Massachusetts Senator in 1962.  The details of his congratulation party have been sealed as a National Secret ever since.

June 1964 Kennedy was involved in a plane accident while flying from Washington to Massachusetts.  During the flight the pilot revealed himself to be a KGB agent.  After a brief tussle he jumped out of the plane with the only parachute.  Ted Kennedy assumed control of the craft and avoided two hospitals and an orphanage to crash into an apple orchard.  He suffered back and neck pain for the rest of his life due to the incident.

During the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago, unconfirmed reports place Senator Kennedy in downtown Chicago dealing out vigilante justice alone on horseback and naked.  According to urban legend a portly naked Irishman rode through the streets on a white horse, setting wrongs right in between deep swigs from his bottle of whiskey.

After the assassination of his two brothers Ted Kennedy was thrust into the role of patriarch of the Kennedy family, and was given the family flask.  Inlaid with a piece of the Blarney Stone, the flask is said to have magical powers, granting whomever holds it a strong speaking voice and any Senate seat they legally run for.

In July of 1969, Kennedy drove a car off Dike Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island, which resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.  Many feel he did not suffer adequate legal ramifications for his role in the incident.  However, he was haunted by the ghost of the angry 28 year old woman every night for the rest of his life, which most would agree is adequate punishment.

Since then Kennedy remained content to focus on his role in politics.  For years he was considered a lion of the Senate, championing such Democrat causes as health care and minimum wage laws.  His passing marks the end of a life which helped to form America in the 20th century.

O’Houlihans Bar in Washington D.C. was a favorite of Kennedy, who knew most everyone there by name. They would greet him with a rousing “Ted!” every time he walked through the door.  His favorite bar stool will be retired in his honor.

Services will be held soon; although a date has not been set, certain details are known for sure.  A small family service will be held at the Kennedy estate in addition to a larger public remembrance in Washington.  An entire island off the coast of Massachusetts will be rented for Kennedy’s wake, which will have EMTs on hand with a portable stomach pump.  The entire eastern portion of the state will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement regarding the evening.  President Obama himself is expected to throw out the first ball in a somber Beer Pong tournament.

At the public service, key members of the Democrat party are expected to speak.  In thanks for a lifetime of patronage Jameson Whiskey will provide a 30 bagpipe marching salute for his funeral procession.  The Senate and the House will join together to toast his memory in a special joint session.

According to his wishes Kennedy’s heart will be cremated and placed in a bottle, then thrown into the ocean off the coast of Ireland while 20 red-headed virgins sing “Oh Danny Boy.”  The rest of Ted Kennedy is expected to be buried at his family’s estate.

Our condolences go out to his family those whose lives were touched by him in this time of loss.

HYANNIS, MA – Ted Kennedy was notably absent today as family and friends gathered to pay their last respects to Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Or was he?As funeral proceedings went forward, many in attendance noticed unexplainable changes in temperature and heard peculiar unidentifiable noises.

One attendee explains, “There were many times where I was sitting amongst everyone and suddenly we would all look around at the same time, as if we’d all heard the same noise.”

Added another attendee, “It’s August and we are all wearing sweaters…there are freezing gusts of wind and nobody knows why.”

With Ted Kennedy absent from the day’s funeral, it is speculated that he is at the brink of death and paranormal expert Paula Montgomery says she knows why:

“Ted Kennedy is in what we call ‘Paranormal Transition’. As he moves closer to death, his spirit is transitioning into what we on Earth call ‘ghosts’. The reason for the funeral disturbances are easy to explain. He obviously wants to be there, so he is…in the best way he can in his condition.”

But why is Kennedy turning into a ghost? Montgomery explains, “When one dies they don’t want to stay on Earth. They want to move on. However, many ghosts are bound to Earth as a result of a dispicable action they did while they were alive. It’s sort of considered punishment.”

So, is Mary Jo Kopechne and the Ghost of the Chappaquiddick to blame? “Absolutely. Everyone is brought to justice at some point. This is Kopechne’s payback after all these years.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne is at it again! And she’s really leaving her mark!

With Senator Ted Kennedy at the brink of death, friends of the senator have been revealing that Kennedy and those close to him have been falling victim to the famed “Kennedy Curse”.

Suspicions  began a few weeks ago when Ted himself began seeing visions of Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman involved in the controversial accident on Martha’s Vinyard over 40 years ago.

“He was even paler than he usually is, it was remarkable,” says one aide.

For years, rumors have been swirling that the Kennedy family is hexed as  a result of a drunken Ted Kennedy and his fateful night with Kopechne. The tragic deaths of JFK, JFK Jr. and Robert Kennedy have all been blamed by the curse and with Eunice’s death this week and with Ted at death’s door, it looks like Kopechne is back for one last hurrah.

“We’ve placed sage and incense around his bed and have an exorcist on call around the clock,” says his nurse. “We hope it can ward off Mary Jo’s spirit.”

But one source close to Kennedy is not afraid as much as she is annoyed, “She died in water and now she leaves wet footprints all over the floor! Spooking the man who drove her to her death is understandable, but I have to clean up the puddles, and I’m not happy about it!”

How can YOU avoid being cursed? Follow these steps:

• Figure out which side of  the family is cursed. Let’s just hope it’s orgin isn’t you.
• Trace the curse as far back as you can. This may take a few trips to town hall or, if you need to do extensive research, a geneologist.
• Identify the individual who placed the curse. “It could have been a barefoot hag who was burned at the stake hundreds of years ago. It’s important to know where the hex is coming from
• Learn the wording of the curse. Once you find out exactly what the curse was, it’ll be easier to find the “escape clause”.
• Place a counter-curse. This would in volved getting a whichcraft-practitioner to help you lift the curse. Beware of making bargins with any black market whichs, you don’t want to promise away your first born!