The roving robot runs on solar power, and since it is currently unexposed to sunlight during the Martian winter, scientists weren’t expecting to receive a transmission from it until November — if ever.

“The Spirit rover is currently experiencing temperatures lower than it’s really designed for,” says space scientist Dr. William Lucci. “There was a likelihood that it wouldn’t survive the winter in working order.”
That makes the transmission doubly surprising. First, for the incredible data it carried, second because it was able to send a transmission at all.

“It makes a kind of sense,” says Lucci. “Bizarrely enough, it’s as though the fortune cookie ‘cured’ the rover.”

The cookie found by the rover was in the form of ice crystals. Chemical analysis showed that the cookie was subtly different from regular cookies.

Dr. William Lucci says chemical analysis shows the fortune cookie contains rare ‘God’ molecule.
regular cookies. “It’s not generally known,” says Lucci, “and scientists don’t like to talk about it because it’s impossible to explain, but studies have shown that a fortune cookie changes in discernable ways after it has been exposed to the Martian atmosphere.”

An experiment conducted by Australia’s McMurphy University in 2005 found that fortune cookies, unlike regular cookies, fluoresce under ultra-violet light. Fortune cookies also seem to contain an extra molecular component that has yet to be identified and has been dubbed by some as the “God molecule.” The Martian cookie, when tested by the rover, turned out to have exactly the same odd characteristics found in the McMurphy University research.

“The real question is,” says Lucci, “how did a fortune cookie end up on Mars?”

HARARE, ZIMBABWE –   Martians attacked a prosperous South African village with rocks, plundered their gold and burned it to the ground!

“They came out of the sky like locusts, in five enormous spaceships,” recalled horrified George Gwangwa, one of only 60 people who escaped the devastated town of Zatlala without injury.

“The last rock rainstorm was biggest.  Then they landed their ships and stole our gold.  They even burned some of our buildings..”

It started six months ago when large Martian rocks (like below) were fired at this village in Zimbabwe.

NASA and Russian scientists took samples of the rocks.  They originally thought they were meteorites, but after they were examined they discovered that they were some kind of assault weapon made from Martian rock.

NASA, which is strapped for cash now that President Obama has essentially shut it down, has started selling the rocks to raise money.  NASA scientists are appalled and shocked that the government would sell the rocks, but they are already fetching big bucks because they are among the rarest things on Earth – rarer even than gold.  The average weight of the rock is 3 pounds, and the largest weighs 10 pounds.

“It’s Christmas in January,” said former NASA sciences chief Marco Stocco, director of the Florida Space Institute at the University of Central Florida. “It’s nice to have Mars sending samples to Earth, particularly when our pockets are too empty to go get them ourselves.”

WWN contacted. Dr. Sue Begley of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials to discuss the rocks and see if they have anything to do with the ongoing alien invasion from Planet Gootan and Planet Zeeban.

“This seems to be an isolated six to nine month event.  We have no data that suggest the Martians are coming to our planet.  This seems to be a test firing of some sort – and the rocks just happened to hit that village in Africa.  We at the U.N. are confident that we won’t hear from the Martians again this year.”

The Russians are not happy with NASA selling the rocks.  ”Typical Americans.  All they care about is money,” said  Russian cosmonaut, Yuri  Bengenov.

Before the incident, the idyllic village – too small to appear on most maps – was a peaceful town with only 2,110 year-round residents. Sitting on the bank of a tranquil river, it was home to several wealthy families, a boutique hotel and a bustling marketplace renowned for eye-catching gold items.

The major “attack” from the Martians occurred on January 2 at about 11:30am – that’s when all hell broke loose.  The Villagers first saw spaceships and then… a major flurry of rocks came down.

“First the saucers appeared, and everyone ran to watch them hover,” said Ugonna Gwangwa, Mayor of Zatlala. “Then the spaceships settled gently down and about two dozen tall, hairless creatures with black, inhuman eyes poured out.

“I watched from the bushes as the menacing invaders marched through the marketplace scooping up everything gold they could find – from statues to jewelry. Then they went up ramps to their ships. Three hours later there were even more rocks falling everywhere!”

As the Martian ships rose higher and higher, they continued to fire rocks at the town, said Gwangwa. “The town began to take on a reddish glow – and then several buildings burst into flames.”

The Martian ships then landed again and stole a big cache of gold from the town.  Then they left.  The town has been quiet for the last few days.  And women from the town have been celebrating:

The government of Zimbabwe is keeping a tight lid on the crisis, officially denying any Martian attacks have taken place, though they have confirmed the Martian rocks.  The international community is also covering up this event.

Dr. Begley said that this was not typical behavior of Martians. “I believe that this was a group of renegade Martians who were not acting on behalf of the planet.”

WWN is sending Garrett Hawley to Zimbabwe to look into the story further and will keep readers up-to-date.

JUNEAU, AK – Sources inside the Alaska State Legislature confirm today that Governor Sarah Palin’s earmark pet project, the “Bridge to Nowhere” was partially funded by Alien Investors.

While construction of the bridge was halted after Governor Palin famously told Congress, “Thanks but no thanks!” a lesser-known “Road to Nowhere” was built using funds from a Martian investment-banking firm.

The “Road to Nowhere” in fact leads to a delicious, yet invisible to human eyes, Alien-franchised Quizno’s.

Quizno’s spokesman Alan Bremble told reporters, “We are proud to serve interplanetary travelers. There is nothing better to satisfy your hunger after traveling 100 million miles than a delicious oven-toasted sub.”

Experts have long debated why an alien race would engineer the technology for interplanetary travel. Some said it would be for universe-wide domination, enslavement of the human race, resource gathering, or to simply expand their knowledge of the universe. It seems we now know that these experts are wrong.

Bremble explains, “Nowhere in the universe can you get a better sub than Quizno’s”

Reached for comment, Governor Palin told Weekly World News, “Of course we want to build a strong relationship with the aliens. If they can travel through space, don’t ya think they’d be good allies against Russia… Not that we’re planning anything!” she laughed.

There’s life on Mars — and it’s enormous!

NASA’s Phoenix Mars Lander has transmitted a photograph of what appears to be a super-sized dinosaur standing menacingly on the surface of the Red Planet — and shocked scientists say the discovery has overturned “everything we thought we knew about extra-terrestrial life.”

The space agency has delayed releasing the stunning news to the public pending a full analysis of the available data. But Dr. Simon Wycoff, an astrobiologist serving as a consultant to the Phoenix project, has agreed to reveal what little is known about the humongous reptile and the implications of the staggering find.

In an exclusive interview with Weekly World News writer Garrett Hawley, Wycoff says the creature resembles the Earth dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex, but is at least three times larger than the ferocious predator.

WWN: Why is the dinosaur so much bigger than any dinosaur fossils found on Earth?
WYCOFF: The relative lack of gravity on Mars allowed the beast to grow so large. Earth’s stronger gravity would cause any creature that big to collapse under its own weight.
WWN: Is the dinosaur the only one of its kind?
WYCOFF: That’s highly unlikely. We assume they’ve been breeding there for millennia.
WWN: What do the dinosaurs eat?
WYCOFF: Each other. Members of their own kind would be their only source of nutrition. They are cannibals.
WWN: Is there any way to estimate their population?
WYCOFF: Not until we explore the planet. Even then, it will be difficult to get an exact count because of the lack of light and the uneven terrain of the Martian surface.
WWN: How did the dinosaurs get there?
WYCOFF: At this point, your guess is as good as mine. One theory is that microscopic living organisms were transported throughout the solar system by comets. On that account, life on Earth began when one of these comets deposited organic material on our planet after crashing into it. The same phenomenon could have occurred on Mars.
WWN: Dinosaurs became extinct on Earth 70 million years ago. Why have they survived on Mars?
WYCOFF: The dinosaurs were wiped off the face of the Earth by a massive asteroid impact. Apparently, Mars escaped a similar calamity.
WWN: President Bush has vowed to establish a human colony on Mars. What does this discovery do to that plan?
WYCOFF: It puts the kibosh on it, I should think. A human expedition to Mars would involve a maximum of six or seven astronauts. They wouldn’t make more than a tasty hors d’oeuvre for creatures this size. It would be folly to spend upwards of $50 billion to send humans to Mars just to have them eaten by a dinosaur. The American taxpayer would never stand for it.