BLACK ROCK CITY – The Obamas are going to Burning Man to celebrate the President’s 50th Birthday and extend their vacation.

Michelle and Barack Obama will leave the kids and fly to Black Rock City, Nevada on August 29th to attend the Burning Man Festival – for the second year in a row.  And why not?  It’s the best way for the President to celebrate his 50th birthday – which is August 3rd.

Burning Man is an annual art event and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance. It is  held on an ancient lakebed in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.  There is a gigantic expansion of temporary structures, with more than 40,000 “burners-in-residence.”  The biggest draw is the hundreds of strange activities going at any given moment.  “It’s just like the White House,”  said President Obama.

The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance, but the fact is there’s a lot of… sex and drugs.  Michelle and Barack both intend on taking ecstasy and doing Special K.  “People are saying that we’re not connected to the people.  Well, this will prove everybody wrong.  Now, can somebody please get me a bong!”

Art is an important part of the Burning Man experience, and Larry Harvey, founder of the Burning Man project, gives the festival a theme each year, as a way to encourage a common bond and to help make sure each individual’s contribution is put together in a meaningful way.

The theme this year is:  Rites of Passge.

“It’s perfect for Barack’s 50th,” said Michelle Obama.

The President has been working on his art for the festival:  a balloon-animal sculpture and a seashell collage that he intends to display while belly dancing.

“You can’t sit on the sidelines here,” said one Burner. “You gotta dive in, participate.”   President Obama and Michelle Obama plan to take off their clothes and Irish step-dance while young members of the White House staff bang on waffle irons nearby.  “We are going to make the best music Burners will ever see.   It will blow their heads.”  Obama said.

President Obama spoke about the meaning of Burning Man, “I think I see a unicorn.  It’s purple. It’s big.  Oh, and look at the those flying doorknobs.  Fly, doorknobs, fly!”

Michelle Obama was busy trying to plant broccoli in the desert.  Several burners tried to tell the First Lady that you can’t plant broccoli in scorching hot sand, but Michelle scolded them, “You can if you have elves helping you.  And I have a lot of elves and gnomes right here with me! Plus I’m using a magic hoe. So go!”

Secret Service agents will be run naked through the desert chasing alpacas during the week-long festival.   Or maybe it will be the other way around.

Harry Reid will also attend Burning Man (again), trying to impress his fellow Nevada citizens – especially those on LSD, because as Reid said, “they are the ones that best understand my speeches.  But President Obama isn’t happy with Reid going to  Burning Man, “He’s drag, man.  Dude doesn’t know how to get down in the desert, doesn’t know how to loosen up.  I gave him some magic mushrooms.  Maybe that’ll help.”  Reid was seen last year at Burning Man – he was standing on top of an port-o-john licking a frog and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

Here’s the kind of event the Obamas plan to attend this year :

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – President Obama has been interrupted so much on his vacation, he’s decided to extend it another week.

The President is on the seventh day of his nine-day vacation and because of major world events he’s had little rest and relaxation.  So, the President has decided to stay on Martha’s  vineyard another week.

“The President has had to deal with the financial crisis, the overthrow of the Gaddafi regime and the earthquake.  He’s had very little time to play the kind of golf he intended to on his vacation.  He had hoped to bring his handicap down to a 12, but he keeps getting interrupted,” said Jay Carney, the President’s spokesperson.  “He can’t solve ALL the world’s problems, unless his fully rested.”

“Barack is always working,” said Michelle.  “He needs some family time.  Some time to finish writing his new autobiography.”

Yesterday, the President handled two conference calls with his national security team over Libya, as well as calls to British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in between his beaching, biking and book-reading.   “He wanted to watch “Jersey Shore” this week and he was interrupted with a jobs report.   He was disappointed,” said Carney.

White House counterterrorism czar John Brennan has been on the Vineyard to keep Obama personally up to date on all the international developments.

The President also monitored economic affairs, including the daily gyrations of the financial markets, while finding time to take first lady Michelle Obama out to dinner and socializing with friends.

For that, he can thank Brian Deese, the deputy director of the National Economic Council, who traveled up to the Vineyard to deliver daily briefings.

And  Obama led a conference call with a wide array of federal government officials to consider the latest challenge — a 5.8-magnitude earthquake that hit most of the East Coast, including the White House and the golf course he was playing at the time.

So, when does he get a chance to rest?

“The President has been steering the economy and solving major conflicts in the Mideast.  The President is getting comfortable up here,” said Carney.  “He’d prefer to work up here. He thinks  he can play golf and solve the Arab-Israeli conflict at the same time.  He’s a world-class multi-tasker.”

Today the president is dealing with hurricane Irene and helping to solve the problem of cracks in the Washington monument.

Rumors are that the President wants to knock down the monument and perhaps put up an Obama monument instead.  “The President feels it would be the appropriate time to build a new monument in Washington.”

So, Air Force One will stay on Martha’s Vineyard for at least another week.   When a reporter shouted a question to Obama about it this morning, the President simply yelled back -

“Fore!”

BLACK ROCK CITY – The Obamas flew away from Martha’s Vineyard today to attend Burning Man.

Michelle and Barack Obama left the kids on Martha’s Vineyard and flew to Black Rock City, Nevada to attend the Burning Man Festival.  And why not?  You can’t swim at Martha’s Vineyard, but you can think you’re swimming at Burning Man.

Burning Man is an annual art event and temporary community based on radical self-expression and self-reliance. It is  held on an ancient lakebed in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada.  There is a gigantic expansion of temporary structures, with more than 40,000 “burners-in-residence.”  The biggest draw is the hundreds of strange activities going at any given moment.  “It’s just like the White House,”  said President Obama.

The event is described by many participants as an experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance, but the fact is there’s a lot of… sex and drugs.  Michelle and Barack both intend on dropping acid and doing Special K.  “People are saying that we’re not connected to the people.  Well, this will prove everybody wrong.  Now, can somebody please get me a bong!”

Art is an important part of the Burning Man experience, and Larry Harvey, founder of the Burning Man project, gives the festival a theme each year, as a way to encourage a common bond and to help make sure each individual’s contribution is put together in a meaningful way.

The theme this year is:  Metropolis, the Life of the Cities.

The President has been working on his art for the festival:  a balloon-animal sculpture and a seashell collage that he intends to display while belly dancing.

“You can’t sit on the sidelines here,” said one Burner. “You gotta dive in, participate.”  That’s when President Obama and Michelle Obama took off their clothes and Irish step-danced to a group of twenty-somethings banging on waffle irons.  “Best music I ever saw.  Best music I ever saw.”  Obama said.

President Obama spoke about the meaning of Burning Man, “I think I see a unicorn.  It’s purple. It’s big.  Oh, and look at the those flying doorknobs.  Fly, doorknobs, fly!”

Michelle Obama was busy trying to plant broccoli in the desert.  Several burners tried to tell the First Lady that you can’t plant broccoli in scorching hot sand, but Michelle scolded them, “You can if you have elves helping you.  And I have a lot of elves and gnomes right here with me! Plus I’m using a magic hoe. So go!”

Secret Service agents were seen running naked through the desert chasing alpacas.  Or maybe it was the other way around.

Harry Reid also attended Burning Man, trying to win over every single voter in Nevada – especially those on LSD, because as Reid said, “they are the ones that best understand my stump speech.  But President Obama isn’t happy with Reid’s participation at Burning Man, “He’s drag, man.  Dude doesn’t know how to get down in the desert, doesn’t know how to loosen up.  I gave him some magic mushrooms.  Maybe that’ll help.”  Reid was last seen on top of an port-o-john licking a frog and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

Harry Reid & Obama at Burning Man

Here’s the event Obama attended last night:

WASHINGTON – The White House drops a bombshell.  President Obama is Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy.

Amid the growing controversy about the mosque being built at Ground Zero and in light of the 24% of Americans that believe President Obama is a Muslim, the White House decided to finally reveal the truth about the President’s true spiritual identity.

“He is Xenu,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters at this morning’s briefing. “He is an alien dictator who brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago.  He stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. That’s the story of human life on earth.”

A stunned White House Press Corps fired questions at Gibbs, but he dismissed them all with this statement, “I’m sorry, I can’t answer your questions anymore, because you are not clear. When you all get clear, then I can talk to you, until then… forget it.  You are all psychology damaged. Read Dianetics. That’ll get you started.”

The Church of Scientology would not comment on whether President Obama is a Scientologist and has repeatedly denied the Xenu story. “President Obama chooses to worship the alien of his choice.  We can not confirm or deny that he is a member of our church,” said a person who seems to know people in Scientology but was afraid to state his name because he felt that he may get sued and/or sent to Planet Zeeba.

After doing some research,  reporters were even more confused because, according to Scientology,  Xenu is the cause of all problems in the world and the reason why Scientology techniques are needed.  So, how can Obama be the cause and the salvation at the same time?

Gibbs, “President Obama can do it all.  That’s all I can say about that.”  Gibbs went on to say that Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley would be joining President Obama and the First Family on their vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. “They are having a meeting with the Sea Org on the Kennedy family yacht,” Gibbs said.   He didn’t say whether the Scientology celebrities were going to praise Obama or attack him.

“We told you he wasn’t born in Hawaii,” yelled a rabid Orly Taiz, the head of the Birther Movement.  “That’s why he doesn’t have a birth certificate.  He’s an alien!”  Orly Taiz is now starting a new movement; the Barack Obama is an Alien movement.  Robert Gibbs is starting another movement, Orly Taiz is an alien.  “Orly and President Obama were enemies on Planet Zeeba, 50 million ago.  Orly holds a grudge for a long time.”

The story of Xenu (Obama) is part of Scientology’s secret “Advanced Technology” doctrines taught only to advanced members who have undergone many expensive hours of auditing and reached the state of Clear. It is dramatized in Revolt in the Stars, a screenplay written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1977.

Hubbard wrote that Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy.  75 million years ago it consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as “Teegeeack”.  The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion. The Galactic Confederacy’s civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens walking around in clothes and using cars similar to those on Earth in 1961.

Coincidentally, 1961 was the year that Obama was “born.”

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination – Teegeeack.

This morning, President Obama announced his solution to the mosque controversy,   “Instead of a mosque, we will be building a large three-block Scientology Spiritual Center.  Who can object to that?”

The President said that from now on all citizens on  Teegeeack shall call him – Xenu, Galactic Dictator.   All Hail, Xenu!

Here’s Tom Cruise talking about Scientology.  “You’re either on board, or you are not on board.”

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA – The Obama family began their week-long vacation this weekend. The Kraken at the heart of Hurricane Bill was diverted out to sea to avoid any complications.

Like many hurricanes, Hurricane Bill was caused by an angry kraken who had been woken from his slumber.  Unconfirmed reports say the filming crew of a Discovery Planet fishing show was responsible for awakening the beast.  As the monster raged, a category 3 hurricane grew around him.

Given the already overstretched government resources, and the Presidential vacation set to begin Sunday night, officials were willing to take drastic action to veer the monster further away from shore.  “Well, it wasn’t easy” said Mike Angiakis, FEMA specialist on Sea Monsters.  “But when you consider the alternative, there really wasn’t a choice.”

Dozens of government helicopters airlifted 50 thousand of pounds of dead fish leading the monster out to sea.  Coating the fish was 16 thousand pounds of tsatziki sauce, which “krakens are highly partial to” says Angiakis.  The yogurt seasoned fish stretched for miles into the Atlantic in a line that could be seen from space.

Hurricane Bill’s path had been following the US East Coast northward, causing storms and tidal disturbances.  Thanks to the sudden change in course it avoided any landfall in the northern US and the Obama vacation in Massachusetts was able to proceed without incident.

Some are wondering if the government only stepped in with this hurricane to assist in the President’s vacation.  “Preposterous!” said Angiakis.  “The government dealt with this sea monster because it was the right thing to do!”

The kraken is believed to have been sated by the massive meal, and is currently hibernating off the coast of Greenland.